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OW emailed me - what would you do?

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ZenMumWalking posted 5/1/2019 16:24 PM

chirp..... chirp.........

Adaira posted 5/1/2019 16:25 PM

Iíve thought about this a lot through my time on S.I. because I just don't buy into this friendly pals thing at all. There are some people in this world that I am not going to allow into my space and that's that. I don't wish them harm, I don't wish them ill. But they are not ever going to get close to me and have the favor of my friendliness. I think that's asking way too much.


And I think itís a good thing to teach our children this lesson too - you do not need to be friends with people who hurt you. You do not have to tolerate abuse just to be ďnice.Ē

whoami62 posted 5/1/2019 17:56 PM

Love how she is suddenly concerned about the " betterment " of your children
A little late for that

I am guessing that your kids won't be interested in forming a relationship with her and she ( or your ex ) are hoping you will try to convince them that they should

Let her be in the dark now, like she left you in the dark when she was screwing your H

shakentocore posted 5/2/2019 00:08 AM

I think itís a good thing to teach our children this lesson too - you do not need to be friends with people who hurt you. You do not have to tolerate abuse just to be ďnice.Ē

Agree 100%!!!

We are dealing with this with fWHs family member. Too many chances given so now we have cut her off. Nobody has a right for a second chance to hurt me and for my kids to see it.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/3/2019 08:21 AM

I agree with most of the posters that this email should be ignored. This is a dishonest, selfish person, proven by her actions with XH. She is not a safe person to have any type of relationship with, as she cannot be trusted.

Her actions with the children will show them if she is trustworthy as a stepmother. braveyogi does not have to give them her opinion on the AP to them. She can be amicable without having a relationship.

Everything in the email was self serving. None of it was actually for braveyogi's benefit or her children. AP will treat the children however she chooses, regardless of how she is treated by their mother. AP should not allow any feelings about BS to affect how she treats them. Nor she should talk to them about their mother, just as BS should not be bashing the WXH or AP in front of children.

I see no reason that BS should "graciously accept this". That's garbage. BS chooses how to move on with her life, and if that means NC with XH's AP, so be it.

OptionedOut posted 5/3/2019 10:45 AM


Have the ex do a double take. I'm certain she has balls... the size of TX.

Ignore it. Don't respond.

Letter? WHAT letter? Wink.

Besides, you don't need friend in low-moral, slimy decision making places.

thishurts123 posted 5/7/2019 20:16 PM

Crickets!!! If she' so concerned about sending you texts/pictures of your kids while they visit their father, let their father send them.

I'm not motivated by anger; I just have no room for liars and cheaters in my life. XWH is different because we have children together. But the OW, forget it.

If their father chooses to be with her and your children's visits go smoothly, then fine. She doesn't need to be in your life. Delete the email.

Tallgirl posted 5/8/2019 06:47 AM

My take is different. It is very hard from the kids perspective to have your mom and dad (and his wife) at war. As life goes on to the next stages, it will be hard on your kids if this coparenting relationship is not established and positive. I lived it. It was heart breaking and frankly made me angry that my parents couldnít behave better. And as I got older There were tough conversations with mom and dad.

I would reply and tell her that you are not interested in a personal relationship with her as she was participant to breaking your marriage. You wonít be friends. But as she will be in their lives that you will work to make it comfortable for your kids and to establish a working coparenting relationship. Of course this will take time, and you certainly donít have to like her.

At least she reached out. , I wouldnít warm welcome her, but the main point is she will be spending time with your kids. And you will want to know how things are with your kids. As well your kids will also take their cues from you, they will have to learn to interact with her. You can help your kids heal.

My kids had 7 grandparents. My stepfather is a better grandfather than my dad. Now my mom is gone, I go to my step mother. There is a long term picture here. I am not saying it will be easy or needs to be all sunshine, only that this is something you will want to do for your kids and yourself.

And by no means is this forgiveness, or approval. You owe her none of that.

ChoosingHope posted 5/11/2019 16:15 PM

Silence is the ultimate F*ck you.

I would never reply.

Braveyogi posted 5/13/2019 15:41 PM

WOW! I'm blown away by all of you awesome people. Thank you so much for responding to my question and I'm grateful for the diverse opinions you provided.

Hawke - you made me laugh with your re-write of the email. Many of you helped me see her desire for legitimacy and cautioned me to send nothing but crickets because she isn't safe. Sally, MN and Tallgirl - thanks for providing alternate perspectives.

I don't know what i'm going to do yet - one of you suggested I sit on it for a while and an answer will come to me. I tend to be a forgiving person which can also sabotage me if I don't maintain strong boundaries against abusive, toxic behavior. If she had included something resembling an apology for her crap behavior, that would make it easier for me to reach out; but with absolutely no accountability, no responsibility for her role in this - it is really hard and a mirror of how I accepted XH's bad behavior for too long and steam rolled over my own needs and feelings.

When DS's graduation comes ( in 8 years), I'm confident I will be civil and respectful. I appreciate many of you reminding me that reaching out can be helpful to my kids. I try to impart the values of kindness and respect to my kids; right now DS "hate[s]" OW and I'm trying to argue that he still needs to be respectful of her, so I realize that if I form some co-parenting relationship (no to buddy buddy though!) with her, it could help him. I will continue to marinate on the idea of answering this email.

Blessings to you all - you are an incredible group. Thank you!!!!!!

[This message edited by Braveyogi at 3:45 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 5/14/2019 12:51 PM

Braveyogi - I counted "I" and "me" TWENTY-FIVE times in her e-mail...just sayin.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/16/2019 21:43 PM

Iím not sure your son has to be respectful of her.... I guess, unless he has to go visit them.

Just please validate his anger toward her, his feelings are his feelings. He has every right to the feelings he has of her, and what she did to his family, and that she has no regret for breaking up his family....


Cheatee posted 5/17/2019 08:50 AM

"Enjoy the brief respite until he cheats on you!"

Probably don't send it, but write it and cackle.

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