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OW emailed me - what would you do?

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Braveyogi posted 4/27/2019 17:28 PM

Hi all,
I haven't been on this board for a while b/c I've been doing much better, enjoying being single, yet still dealing with the ups and downs of single parenting (my XH moved across the country w/OW and her children). I just received this email from her and don't know what to do...I thought of this site immediately as I know many of you have to deal with OW/OM because you have children. I'm feeling torn b/c on the one hand, they had an affair for years before I found out, even rented a nearby apartment for their trysts, and I was in the dark all while they were off on weekend "business trips" and everyone around them knew except for me - and felt like the stupid, pregnant, devoted wife. On the other hand, the reality is that they are getting married and my kids will be dealing with her for who knows how long. I'm not friends with my ex but I'm working to be a good co parent. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you would deal with this situation. And - newsflash for y'all - i have no intentions of becoming her friend as she is suggesting - ugg. on top of that, I suspect my XH wrote this, as it sound just like him. Help!!

Here is her email:
I should have written to you a long time ago and for that I apologize. I am reaching out today in the hopes to develop some kind of relationship with you for the betterment of your children. I want to first and foremost reassure you that I respect your position as their mother. I am not interested in replacing you, undermining you, or creating conflict with you, or them that revolves around your relationship with them as their mother.
I am blessed to be given the opportunity to have your children in my life. As you may have heard XH and I are going to be married later this year and they will become my step children. In regards to this I do not expect anything from them as I marry their father although I have many hopes of developing a meaningful relationship with both of them over time. I would really hope that you and I could move past any animosity that may be a result of the past and how HX and I developed our relationship. These kids will be binding us together for the rest of their lives and I would really enjoy it if one day, you and I, are able to attend events for them mutually and possibly even enjoy each other's company. I know we don't know each other very well and I think it would be a shame if it stayed that way. At the very least I am hopeful that you would allow me to share moments with you that the kids have in Florida, send pictures and a few texts to keep you involved when you are not able to be with them. I know first hand how it feels to be without my children during the entire summer.
If you are interested in this, in anyway, please let me know. I understand it will take time but I would like to start the process by reaching out and letting you know where I'm at.

Thank for your time,

JadedByItAll posted 4/27/2019 17:56 PM

The best response is no response. I know that you have a million ways that you could give this woman a piece of your mind, but, honestly, she's not even worthy of a reply. Your silence on this matter will speak louder than actual words ever could. She's not worth your consideration. I'm astounded at the audacity and gall of her to even make this request. She has absolutely no grounds to ask anything of you. I honestly find it laughable that she tries to come from a place of being mature and considerate, yet she didn't show you this maturity and consideration when she went after your ex-husband and destroyed your family. This is nothing more than a feeble attempt at assuaging her guilt. She knows she has done you a great injustice in the havoc and chaos she has wreaked upon your family. She figures, just like the cheater who tries to befriend the ex they cheated on, that if you and she can be friends, then what she did wasn't all that bad. She can then soothe her guilty conscience and move on with her life like nothing happened. Don't give her that satisfaction. Instead, give her crickets.

Phoenix1 posted 4/27/2019 17:58 PM

Obviously, you have to do what feels right for you.

That being said, I would ignore that vomit-worthy email that screams, "Let's sweep everything under the rug and be besties!" Silence speaks volumes to her, and gives or no insight into your thoughts or emotions.

The way I would look at it, your future co-parenting is between you and your ex. Not a homewrecking AP. That doesn't mean you can't be civil/cordial with her when an occasion warrants, but you certainly don't have to nurture an actual relationship. If you can do that, you are a better person than me!

Continue co-parenting with your ex for your kids' sake and pretend the email was never sent.

Just my humble two cents.

nscale56 posted 4/27/2019 18:32 PM

Excuse me???
No "I'm sorry for helping to destroy your marriage and family" or " I hope you will forgive me for what I have done". WOW.

ibonnie posted 4/27/2019 20:36 PM

Crickets...

or, "lol ok."

Muggle posted 4/27/2019 20:36 PM

She will never be able to see things from your perspective as the BS. What would normally be an admirable speech is tarnished by the icky way it probably makes you feel. My first reaction was wondering if you already had pen in hand to write her a brutally honest, stinging 10 page summary of how their actions impacted your life and well being.

You have to do what you feel benefits your children and yourself. You owe her nothing. It benefits your children to have a decent relationship with her if she's going to be around, but you don't have to subscribe to forming a friendship with her. Nothing in life prepares you for this.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/27/2019 21:49 PM

Jaded and Phoenix nailed it.

Fuck. Her.

Crickets...

Absolute crickets. She is nothing to you.

Furious1 posted 4/27/2019 22:13 PM

WTH? She wants you and her to move past any animosity. I'm curious what animosity she thinks she has that needs moving past.

Her entire email is so out of line that it's unreal. I would not respond to her at all if it were me so long as I had my children's father to communicate with. If anyone should be offering vacation pictures, that should him. Talk about wild expectations on their part (or whoever wrote that message) Unreal and definitely a lot of fantasyland dreaming going on.

F1

Hawke posted 4/28/2019 00:02 AM

Of 14 sentences, 9 begin with the word ďIĒ and ďIĒ occurs 23 times. ďChildrenĒ or ďkidsĒ occurs 6 times.

Let me rewrite her message:

I donít apologize for being a home-wrecking whore. I am reaching out today to offer you a super deluxe shit sandwich with special sauce. Please eat this without creating drama.
God told me to be a homewrecking whore and rewarded me with your children. Even though Iíve been in your kidsí lives for a few years, I havenít bothered to nurture a relationship with them. Once I marry their dad, though, I will suddenly care. Anyway, since Iím going to be officially replacing you as Mrs. XH, we should have a relationship, too! (Naturally, I will be the superior person in this relationship). You could give me ego kibbles, and I could bestow banal comments about the weather and my opinion on hair products upon you. Iíd like to send you messages and photos to remind you that you donít have your children all summer (because I stole your husband). Iím really just like you because I donít have my kids in the summer (although thatís more because Iím a homewrecking whore rather than a victim of lies and betrayal).
Anyway, let me know if youíre interested in giving me ego kibbles because I love them!


She sounds pretty self-involved. That said, if it would give you pleasure and your ex is too much of a douche-canoe to do it, accept her offer to send pics. It doesnít mean you have to be nicey-nicey when you run into her at juniorís graduation or junietteís Bat Mitzvah.

My ex and OW are also together. Iíve reached that stage where I donít hate them anymore (not sure I ever out and out hated them), but I donít like them, either. Iíve tried coparenting, but it is moving more and more to parallel parenting. Iím civil with ex. Weekly exchanges of kids are through my nanny rather than me, so I rarely see him. When I do, Iím civil. If OW is there, I acknowledge her existence, and thatís about it. A lot of the post-separation co-parenting issues have been due to OW acting inappropriately.

[This message edited by Hawke at 12:07 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

NeverHealed posted 4/28/2019 01:41 AM

Email her back:

ďI am glad you are concerned about my children.

Do you have any thoughts how I might protect their morals and character from having you as a role model?Ē

ETA: Sigh, probably not a good idea.

[This message edited by NeverHealed at 1:44 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

shakentocore posted 4/28/2019 05:45 AM

How old are your kids? How often does XH/ stbWifetress see them? Did XH ever send pics? Is he a decent co-parent?

If your DD is 9, in 2-3 years you wonít need wifetress to send you photos. Your children can take their own.

My personal response would be crickets. If she cared about your kids your XH would be living down the road being a full time dad to your kids (even if you were no longer married he would still be around and present).

How nice of you to let you know that she would never try to replace you as your childrenís mother! She certainly had no problem replacing you as your husbands wife!

homewrecked2011 posted 4/28/2019 17:05 PM

I received the same type of message-

It was crickets from me, bc I realized she only wants to know whatís in my head. And Iím not telling her!

She and xh also told my kids the same crap!
I told my kids-sure! Tell Dad and OW to call me next time her xh is in town, and we can all sit down together, I have a lot to talk to her xh about! (He never believed they had an affair, never saw my proof, and he still thinks she d him bc they couldnít get along) so, that was 6 years ago, and no one has mentioned it again! Lol.

The thing is that ow and xh bond over chaos. I took myself far away from that (by not engaging, as they still live in my city). Now they fight each other all the time, and her kids moved out and my kids rarely go over there!!!

Youíve not heard the last of this. Post everything here b4 you respond! The people on here are so amazing!!!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:20 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

josiep posted 4/28/2019 17:55 PM

"I would really hope that you and I could move past any animosity that may be a result of the past and how HX and I developed our relationship"

Reply:
The fact that you could even write those words is the reason we will never develop a relationship.

BTW, Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery is in God's Top Ten List of no-no's. You and X didn't develop a relationship, you committed adultery, plain and simple.

Oop - sent too soon. ETA: I know you can't really send this but it was fun to daydream.

[This message edited by josiep at 5:57 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 4/28/2019 19:07 PM

The fact that you could even write those words is the reason we will never develop a relationship

For reals, Josiep.


You and X didn't develop a relationship,you committed adultery, plain and simple

Word.

MamaDragon posted 4/29/2019 09:15 AM

I'd forward the email to my XH and inform him that the only communication you will accept is from you & only if it involves the children. I would then discuss when you would be able to talk/video chat to your children without her around.

You have to deal with the XH bc of children but you can certainly avoid interacting with her.

I'd also get my kids a prepaid phone to take with me this summer - if they are responsible enough. One of my kids had one at 9 but he was an "old soul" - the other didn't get one until he was 14.

Of course crickets is a good way to go too - bc she will want to find out if you received her email. When your XH asks, you can then tell him what you think about her email.

k8la posted 4/29/2019 09:58 AM

This woman craves legitimacy. Ignoring her deprives her of it. Even when she marries your x, she will not have the legitimacy she craves unless she's buddy-buddy with you, because the world will still look at her as the interloper.

Silence is most satisfying when you know what it costs her.

Chaos posted 4/29/2019 10:12 AM

Official response: Crickets

Fantasy response: F**k off [I'm not against writing a response elaborating on this - but do not actually send it]

Pentup posted 4/29/2019 14:48 PM

I've always been a fan of the,
"Who are you again?"

stubbornft posted 4/29/2019 15:54 PM

I like no response and I also like MamaDragon's response. I would probably do like she said - I would forward to my ex and say that any communication about the kids needs to be handled between the two of you and that you will not be communicating with OW. I also agree with the poster that said she craves legitimacy. She sure is ballsy - sorry she has contacted you and that you have to deal with her at all.

Booyah posted 4/29/2019 15:58 PM

She lost me at, "that I RESPECT your position as their mother"??

At NO time did she ever "RESPECT" you about anything!!

Silence would be the proper call....

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