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Sexual gatekeeping

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sisoon posted 4/26/2019 09:59 AM

Well said, DF. An unpleasant truth.


When you see that the other person really has no interest in improving things, it basically tells you that you arenít worth the hassle.
Bro, you need to reframe that, for 2 reasons: 1) reframing will help you, and 2) you're wrong.

Your W's lack of interest is about her, not about you.

At this point you don't know if your W' lack of interest is widespread or focused on you. Even if it's focused on you, however, the fact isn't about you. If she's uninterested in connecting with you, that's about her, not about you.

You may not be worth the hassle to her, but you are worth the hassle for you.

She cannot validate you. You have to love and validate yourself. And since you're loving, lovable, and capable, it's right to love yourself.

I know it's probably impossible to avoid tremendous self-doubt after being betrayed. I know it's probably impossible to question one's desirability.

Part of healing is facing your doubts about yourself and dismantling them. And part of your healing is finding the strength - it's already in you - to end a relationship unless your WS honestly wants you.

Love is giving and taking. You can stay with your W, or you can leave, even if she's not giving you everything that you want.

Whatever you do, however, it's best if you do it based on the idea that you are most definitely worth the hassle.

If you can't get there on your own, a good IC can help.

Darkness Falls posted 4/26/2019 10:04 AM


I agree that itís very unpleasant. I donít take any glee or satisfaction in the bluntness of my words. I just think itís important for everyone to understand that it IS a truth, in hopes that eventually wheels can stop spinning (not referring directly to the OP; speaking in general).

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/26/2019 11:28 AM

I agree that, at this point, it doesn't matter why this CW isn't interested in sex. She's unwilling to do anything about a problem.

OwningItNow posted 4/26/2019 19:35 PM

Darkness Falls and Cocoplus5nuts are exactly right: you can't be happy with someone who is not making a genuine, concerned effort to meet your needs. Period.

You posed your questions in a general sense, but I think in doing so you are looking for affirmation that in your own personal situation you are not being selfish or out of line at all, in expecting your WW to engage in sexual intimacy. After reading many of your posts the answer is: of course you are not being selfish to expect to experience normal sexual intimacy in your M

Yes, fareast!!!! I totally agree!

I, too, due to my longstanding mommy issues (which caused my codependent nature) struggle with self-validation of my own efforts and needs! It is common for people with an overly giving nature (often raised by a critical parent) to question whether we are asking too much, whether we've done enough, whether we're being fair. In my case, I have always been accused by my FOO of being "a drama queen, never happy, always upset about something." Their low-level bullying stole my ability to trust whether this was true or not, so I constantly give in too much, own too much of the problem, and go without my needs being met.

But that is FOO damage.

I have now learned that narcissists, entitled, selfish, and underfunctioning people saw my yin as the answer to their yang and couldn't wait to blame me for all of their unmet needs, knowing I'd be quickly willing to accept responsibility. Ha! Not anymore. I've got my boundaries now, and you can blabber on about poor you, and "what about me?" But I don't tolerate it anymore.

You be that way too, havequestions. Be true to yourself. You are not being unreasonable. Your WW is lacking in empathy, and there is no partnership without it. Quiet those voices that have you questioning yourself and your needs. Instead, be strong and stand up for the respect and care that you deserve. If you don't stand up for your needs in your R and in life, no one will.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:38 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

CuckNo posted 5/17/2019 13:20 PM

I find this thread very confusing. You are getting divorced. Why would you think your wife should want to sexually please you? I feel like I must be missing something in the story.

havequestions posted 5/17/2019 13:44 PM

This is an issue that was happening way prior to the d.

survrus posted 5/17/2019 15:56 PM


Is your W or was your W sexually enthusiastic for OMs at the same time she felt zero for you?

havequestions posted 5/17/2019 18:30 PM

Iím gonna say she was enthusiastic. It seems that she had 2 personalities. The fun, flirty, outgoing one with her friends and complete strangers and the sweat pants, glasses, Iím sore, I have a headache, letís stay in and watch cop dramas. Guess who got the privilege of the second one?
I think, towards the end, she was nervous to go out with me because we might run into prople who knew her well. She would even change our destination at the last minute, I found out later that her ďfriendsĒ were at the bar we were supposed to go to. I think she launched a smear campaign against me to take away my credibility. I honestly canít fathom how a human being can be so cruel. I also canít believe it took me this long to get out of the situation. I am a dumbass for that.

Rideitout posted 5/18/2019 10:06 AM

Iím gonna say she was enthusiastic. It seems that she had 2 personalities. The fun, flirty, outgoing one with her friends and complete strangers and the sweat pants, glasses, Iím sore, I have a headache, letís stay in and watch cop dramas. Guess who got the privilege of the second one?

I don't need to guess because you just told my story. Although my W's "other personality" with the OM would best be described as "porn star" and her personality with me "church girl". It's a story as old and common as the day is long.

doggiediva posted 5/18/2019 11:20 AM

Exit affair?
At this point in time, divorce seems to be the better option..
IMO reasonable expectations for all aspects of marriage are to work out the give and take to be mutually fulfilling for both partners ENOUGH of the time so that neither partner feels smothered , neglected, disrespected...( bedroom, day to day life, etc..)
Sounds like your WW isnít interested in treating you as a loved one..It takes two to make R real..
BTW, know that treatments for painful sex that involve hormone treatments ( topical/ systematic) give women increased risk for breast and uterine cancer..No generics available, and these treatments arenít always covered by insurance....For instance out of pocket is about 500 dollars a month for Premarin cream, depending on the dosage and frequency of applications ...So sometimes the most effective treatments for painful sex are unreachable financially / health wise ... I wish the last 50-60 years had given rise to more research / breakthroughs on options for post menopausal women and their sexual health..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:42 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

havequestions posted 5/20/2019 18:35 PM

Thanks, I understand the medical issues and costs. How we, the fact that she never looked into any of these, tells me all I need to know. She can spend $350 on a haircut and $200 on Beauty products that do very little, Iím thinking the cost of helping our marriage is the better option!

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