I’m confused as to where you stand in your relationship. So many times I have seen you write that D is imminent. Are you still following that path?
It’s clear from the reader that your WW is “just not into you”. Sorry to say it so harshly.
You are staying on her terms.
I can’t find the thread (if there was one) about what she did with the IC, but your W doesn’t appear to want to bend over backwards, either literally or figuratively, to help you heal if show you that she really is attracted to you and wants to be with you.
Maybe I’m just missing it.
But what’s clear to me is you should stop asking for anything and make it clear what you need to stay in the relationship, and if she can’t deliver honestly, then actually take the steps to move on.
I wrote you this 5 weeks ago and I stand by it today. Please read it one more time.
I wish you well and eventually peace of mind that you tried everything and in the end, it just wasn’t meant to be. At which point I think you will find relief and a path to a better life with someone else.
Good luck.
Demand what you need to stay in the relationship. The part I wrote at the bottom outlines those types of requirements you should convey to her.
If she cannot provide it, then stop talking to her about anything but the kids and Start talking to your lawyer about starting the D process.
Sending you thoughts of strength.
At a time the kids are out of the house I would ask her if you can take an hour and talk. Sit at the dining room table with some water (no alcohol) and tell her you have a few things to say. This is how I’d phrase it. Adjust as appropriate for your situation.
Mrs havequestions
I love you. I am in love with you. My hope is to be your husband for a very long time.
But I can tell you do not share those feelings. I can tell you are not attracted to me any more. I can tell you don’t respect me anymore. I can tell you are not “in love” with me anymore. And I’m pretty sure you don’t even love me anymore.
I want to be happy. We only get one life. You may not believe this but I want you to be happy too.
I am no longer willing to live with someone that no longer cares or respects me. Neither of us are happy in that situation.
So either something has to change in our relationship or we should start working on going our separate ways.
Maybe that is a relief for you, as there’s someone else out there you’d rather be with. But if that’s not the case and you want to actually work on creating a loving relationship between us again then it’s gonna take a lot of hard work by both of us.
I’m willing to do that work but only with someone who is ALL IN with me On wanting it, because the changes we both would have to take would be far from easy, and will require an open mind and an open heart.
So, I am telling you now, that unless I hear otherwise from you, I am going to move on from this M. I promise to coparent our children with you as best I can and will not try to influence them against you in any way. You’re their mom and I am their dad and the status our relationship doesn’t change that fact.
If you want to talk about what working on our relationship would look like, I’m glad to, but if your heart is not in it, then let’s not waste either of our time. So until you say you want something different, I’m going to assume you want this M to end as well.
My heart broke a long time ago when I saw the look of love for me fade from your eyes. We both deserve happy lives, and I am no longer willing to wait for those feeling to just magically return.
Then I’d give her a chance to talk. If she says nothing or just responds with “you’re right, it’s time to move on” then you’ll know.
From that point on your marching orders are to find your path out of her infidelity and unfeeling attitude. So from that point on, no more discussions except about the kids (school, schedules) and finance (bills, expenses).
You start live your life separately and work to end the relationship.
One wise SI poster (OkOkOk) said it this way: You stop asking her whereabouts. You stop talking to her about the infidelity, past details or current. You stop yelling, fighting, begging, imploring. You're not critical or judgmental. You stop saying I love you, you don't hug or allow yourself to be hugged (just politely say "no thank you"). You don't give gifts, schedule dates, tell her you miss her, tell her she's cute, etc. You don't do any of that. Again -- you're not mean! You are cheerful, outgoing, independent. You also stop doing things for her (cooking, cleaning, fixing cars, laundry). And you don’t let her do those same things for you.
And no longer give her insight into your pain. No matter what you're feeling inside, *this* is the you that you allow your spouse to see. The cheerful, outgoing, independent, happy you.
Then call a lawyer and start working the process to move on and call an IC and start working with him or her on your grief.
However, if at the table discussion, or after thinking about it she comes to you and she says “you’re right, my heart has been cold for a long time, and I dont even remember why, you deserve better, Will you give me another chance? “
Then you have something to work with. And you can decide if it’s not too late to give working on reconciliation a try.
If she does say that and asks “what can I do?” You can tell her:
To start, you need to be all in with me. You need to show me and everyone around me that you are proud to be married to me. I always have been proud to be married to you and if you are truly doing the work to revive our love, I’ll make sure everyone knows how proud I am to be your husband.
That means showing me the same respect I show you. I need to be the most important person in the world to you. When we walk into a room together you need to care more about my happiness than anyone else’s there, including your own. And I will continue to provide the same respect to you.
And that includes eliminating the AP and his W from our lives. No contact forever. And you will correct the lies you told about me to them and their friends.
I will no longer be made to look like a fool because my wife doesn’t care about what happens to me out in public or at home. And no more flirting with other men. If I am the man you love, flirt with me. I no longer will allow myself to be disrespected in this way.
And that includes the bedroom. If you are no longer attracted to me, then let’s move on. I will not settle for pity sex. If you want me, and want to enjoy a physical relationship, then show me. No more “mailing it in” in the bedroom. I want to have an adventurous and living and caring and fun and exciting sex life. If you want the same then let’s make it happen.
Individual Counseling is a must, for both of us. That’s how you show how much you are fighting for your M, by working hard with a therapist that specializes in depression and infidelity and figuring out what changed for you those years ago. The infidelity was a part of it, but that was a symptom, not the cause.
And we will schedule “us time” where we enjoy life together. The kids will fly the coop soon and we need to learn to be a couple again. So twice a month we will each plan something fun to do together in addition to what we do with the boys.
And finally, you write to me your thoughts and feelings. I’ll do the same. Then we meet and review those ideas every week. And we will review this plan as well over the coming months and years.
No more lack of communication. We need to talk, share our feelings.
I am not willing to do anything less than this. If you’re not up for it, please dont waste our time. Again, life is short, if I’m no longer going to spend it with you, I need to start working on finding who I will spend it with.
I want it to be you, but not under the same conditions we have been living other. I’m taking a path out of unhappiness, you can either come with me or find your own. We each have our own choices and free will here. Let me know what you decide. I’m glad to listen but won’t be waiting around, holding my breath.