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It is a common theme here on SI that a spouse that has experienced sexual betrayal must put themselves 1st as they untangle and weave their way through the painful process of healing. I’ll be honest and say that I struggle with this notion. The fact that I do resist it does not, in my mind, invalidate this belief, but I still deeply wrestle with it. I am not making the claim that putting oneself 1st is wrong; I am saying, with humility, that I am mixed in my thoughts about this often-suggested process.

For six months I have sat quietly pondering the validity of putting myself 1st and trying to factor the pros and cons if I had done so. However, there is one powerful thought that keeps oozing through the fissures of my fractured consciousness – wasn’t that exactly what my wife did?

Didn’t she selfishly put herself as number one in our marriage. And didn’t this newfound status facilitate in paving an uninhibited highway into the arms of infidelity with concrete blinders that block her vision of right and wrong? Wasn’t she seeing herself as her number one a major factor in aiding in her tunnel vision as to the consequences and then that gave her permission to cheat?

I can’t help but ask myself that while early in the reconciliation process did I not demand that my wife put me and my healing as her number 1 priority? And if I am expecting her to comply, is that request reasonable if, at the same time, I am now am going to put myself and my needs as number 1 in my life?

Or is this a necessary but temporary state of the relationship and as the healing process finds success one reevaluates and at some future point, places their partner back into a number one status?

Or possibly, is the end goal to come to an understanding that there needs to be fluidity as to who and when one considers themselves or their partner to be 1st dependent on evolving situations and momentary needs?

Or maybe, the healthy thing for both partners to do is to put themselves, from here on out, as their own number one? In doing so, does this create a more equivalent, balanced relationship?

Truly, I am struggling with that idea. It goes against everything I promised when, with my knees trembling in expectation and tears of joy in the corner of my eyes, I swore a sacred vow before God and my bride of a lifetime of commitment. Wasn’t I saying I’d sacrifice my life for her? That I would set aside all temptations for her? That she, after God, was and would forevermore be my 1st priority?

I understand that if one decides to separate/divorce (Which they have every right to.) then putting oneself 1st in the equation is probably necessary. However, if one chooses to reconcile how does looking out for #1 assist in reconciliation?

I am confident that if I received this information, as I interpreted it, in the 1st few months after D-day, and decided to follow it, I would not have stayed and fought the good fight. And if I had followed this new view of me as number one, I would have missed out on my wife’s remarkable transformation. (And mine as well.)

I believe one of the things that helped my wife with her healing was that she saw in me, that despite her terrible decision to cheat, handing me the keys to the exit, I not only stayed, I did not remove her from her rightful place as my number one priority. I believe the fact that I still valued her, even after her infidelity, above all other things, helped her in rebuilding the self-worth she had needlessly smashed a recking ball to when she decided it was her place to see herself as number one in her life.

I am confident that I am missing something important on this subject because I have come to understand that collective wisdom here is undeniable. Plus, I did not come here to impart wisdom, I came to SI seeking it! Clearly, I was/am lacking in this department.

Looking back over my time here, I realize that there were other ideas spoken here, that upon my 1st arrival, I firmly thought, "nope, no way am I going to accept that’! only to unlock my stubbornness and recognize and apply the wisdom being offered.

So, I am honestly asking; why is it mandatory to put oneself 1st to bring about healing to oneself? I ask because I have not found this to be the case, at least for me.

Or is it just a way of many ways to find healing?

Asterisk

When I was trying to reconcile with my exwife, the story of the Prodigal Son was very front of mind. It guided my attitude and approach, it was even my signature here for a long time. It has now become something decidedly more secular.

I am confident that if I received this information, as I interpreted it, in the 1st few months after D-day, and decided to follow it, I would not have stayed and fought the good fight. And if I had followed this new view of me as number one, I would have missed out on my wife’s remarkable transformation. (And mine as well.)

This is what I wanted, that my kindness and forgiveness would seed love and awareness in her. I’m glad it worked for you, my pearls were thrown to swine. And when I dared to open my heart to my betrayer and she used that opportunity to further degrade me, it was unbelievably painful. So for me, with the way she was responding, trying to keep her in a position of trust and consideration was like trying to run a marathon on a freshly broken leg. I needed to recover from the trauma of d-day. I needed to give myself permission to not try to hold everything together. Now maybe if my ex had responded well to my grace, then that virtuous cycle could have been a benefit to my healing, a joy and hope rather than a drain. Maybe the collective wisdom here comes from the observation that few betrayers come to their senses and appreciate grace quickly enough to be a balm to their victims.

And I guess to your point of "isn’t that what she did?", it seems quite different for a victim of a stabbing to "selfishly" choose to rest enough to heal as opposed to the mugger who selfishly attacked them.

Putting yourself first doesn't have to be at the expense of others. In this context, it's about knowing your worth, focusing on your healing regardless of what your partner does, and setting strong boundaries.

I think of it this way. I can't take care of anyone or anything else well if I don't take care of myself first, like the directive on a plane to put on your oxygen mask before putting one on someone else.

My H, who was the cheater, always put everyone else first. After enough time, he resented it (altho I never asked him to do that). Those resentments and being unable to take care of himself are what led to him cheating. He is codependent. His entire being was caught up in others. He didn't know how to be his own person. It's really quite sad to see someone who lives like that.

I do think it's meant to be temporary, because the infidelity creates a power imbalance. The WS has taken agency away from the BS, and the needs to be addressed as part of reconciliation. Both people need to prioritize the BS's needs for a while, and if that doesn't happen, then R is more likely to fail.

That was certainly a big part of why it failed for me. I was so concerned about my child and extended family's feelings that I allowed myself to remain in pain. Meanwhile, my WS/stbx was so wrapped up in guilt and shame that he couldn't center my needs at all, and I was trying to hard to R that I let him have his way with the process.

I have always tried to be unselfish and to put my loved ones ahead of myself, but I'm realizing that doing so doesn't always serve the best interests of those very people because my pain has ripple effects on them. Either they suffer by seeing me in pain, or I've built my walls so high they can't see who I really am.

Part of putting yourself first is allowing yourself to be authentic. It's become a trope in modern conversation, but I think there's some wisdom to it. The more we repress ourselves or try to deny our needs, the more likely there are to be negative consequences down the line.

But that doesn't mean we should be this way all the time either. There are appropriate circumstances for sacrificing ourselves for others, like if our spouse is ill, or if we're trying to create an opportunity for our children. Infidelity creates a situation where the WS should be making the sacrifices to balance the selfishness of their betrayal. I think the ones who can manage to this (especially right away) are the most likely to succeed in R.

There is a conflict within you that's finally becoming clear. You love your wife and resent yourself for it. There's a part of you that loves your wife, your marriage and the life you've built together, which is at war with the part that hates what she did to you, what she has forced you to accept about yourself, and your struggles to find your own peace.

She is the asterisk in your life.

Brother, I believe we are always our first priority in life. We are each responsible for our own happiness and well-being. Only when we are at peace with ourselves can we be at peace with the rest of the world.

Putting yourself first is not at the expense of your spouse or kids. It’s meant to help you gain perspective on your situation to decide if you will Reconcile.

If you don’t heal yourself then you are not bringing your full self to the table. You are bringing a damaged in need of repair persona.

Same goes for the cheater.

You cannot R with a cheater who doesn’t do the work. Likewise you don’t want to R and fall back into the same patterns or issues in the marriage. Therefore your priority now is healing yourself.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. You each have me reevaluating my thoughts on this issue. I’m not fully "un-struggled" but I am beginning to have a better understanding and can see the value in there may come a time and circumstance that requires a person to place their needs over their spouses.

Asterisk

P.S. UnHinged, my wife is not my asterisk. (But your mugger analogy really struck home.) So, one out of two ain't bad. :)

I too have reflected on what it means and I think it can mean different things for different people. I will share what it means to me and if you can gain something from it in forming what works for you conceptually, then that’s great. If not, maybe it will help someone else.

Putting myself first still means that I feed the relationships that I value. Because without appreciating those connections, I am not serving myself well. So it doesn’t mean that I walk around being completely selfish all the time.

Without demonstrating and practicing love, I am not practicing self actualization.

When I had an affair I do not think I put by best interests first, I was self abandoning to try and fill a void. The void existed because I had become imbalanced in putting everything before me. Not listening to my own wants and needs became a very slippery slope towards a deep depression and identity crisis. Rather than recognize that, I went on to try and treat that with total escapism in the affair.

I see external relationships a reflection of our internal relationships. Self abandoning leads to holding resentments. What we are really mad about doesn’t have a lot to do with our spouse but whether or not we over sacrificed something repeatedly. We can blame our spouse for that and assign the resentment to them, but in reality we are the one who did not enforce our boundaries. Often times my husband had no idea that I didn’t want to or love to do all the things I was doing that essentially were making me miserable. By maintaining a better relationship with myself, I take better accountability in our relationship.

Being able to integrate who we authentically are- how we feel and what we need to- into our romantic relationship with all the roles we play is healthy.

Any relationship is always going to come with some sacrifice. But honestly our investments are the things that make it more meaningful to us.

But also we must invest ourselves in vulnerable ways. Meaning we don’t avoid hard conversations. I always told myself that I just don’t want to be high maintenance or a burden. I can be quite independent in trying to deal with my feelings on my own. But over time what happened is that caused disconnection in our relationship. It also caused disconnection within myself because not talking about my needs and feelings made me push them aside and not deal with them either. Why identify a problem you are not going to solve? Over time you just sort of give up on something being resolvable because you pushed it aside only to find it comes back bigger and bigger (much like you holding so much back from your wife)

In a relationship, I have learned it is not my job to make my husband happy. It is not his job to make me happy. We are here to share and enhance that with each other. We are not here to manage each others feelings. We are here to support each other in our feelings. That doesn’t mean lack of respect or courtesy or even tact when these conversations happen.

I used to let things build up until I was overwhelmed and hard for him to even follow in a late night sort of breakdown of everything in the world is wrong.

So when I say I put myself first, it’s more that I stay in attune with myself, and as best as I can I stay vigilant in things that work well for me and things that don’t. I try very hard not to shrink to fit the relationship but allow myself to expand and try to bring the relationship along in that expansion.

It’s really hard sometimes, but I tend to believe relationships are about creating win wins and having either person not having to overly sacrifice to keep the relationship together.

When. It comes to infidelity, there is no way you don’t feel like you are overly sacrificing to keep a relationship together after your spouse has completely disregarded you and your marriage. So I think often that hyper vigilance of putting yourself first can be about trying to find balance in the extreme. However, after decentering your spouse so that you can heal, sometimes that new place that forms from the decentering can lead to a healthier balance within the marriage.

And as the ws, I can say that process can have a good effect on reconciliation. I didn’t want usto stay together for the kids or because it was easier. I wanted for us to find a way to want to be together truly again in a way we could both be happy if that was possible. And even though he did a lot of things that contradicted that whole process, in the end I think the reason it has been successful is developing that as our mutual goal. But that meant having a lot of hard, sometimes circular, sometimes winding and not quick to resolve type of ongoing conversations.

It is my typical nature to be avoidant. That is still there, but I have seen the benefits of choosing myself propel me towards actions that are not avoidant. I am slow sometimes still to recognize it, but when it does seem to accumulate I can see my lack of staying connected with self and failure to have effective communication on the issue as central to the reason of my discontent. I will once again activate what I have learned and resolve the issue before it turns into some vague notion of being unloved.

So in a nutshell putting yourself first to me means staying awake towards what my feelings and needs are and finding ways to effectively meet them. When both people do this, the relationship can seem very simple and easy. It’s the accumulation of resentment and lack of self awareness that tend to make things feel a lot more complex. And when that goes in for years it leads one deeper and deeper towards dysfunction. Instead of hustling for his love, believing that I can only receive what I have earned, I trust it is there and I trust if there comes a time it’s not I will be able to move through with integrity and a strong sense of self.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:59 PM, Tuesday, December 30th]

I always put my wife first because I thought that's what a real man does. I did all those little things to make her happy, those little surprise gifts and paper hearts and whatnot that let her know I was thinking about her even though I was getting but a pittance of the same effort in return

In hindsight I did way too much for way too long and she just took it for granted. In my opinion because I was so nice and accommodating and dependable loyal trustworthy Etc it caused a loss of attraction. To her there was no challenge to me and that's why the younger cocky charismatic co-worker who strutted around wearing a bulletproof vest and a gun and a badge caught her attention

I used to love doing those little things for her. Friends thought we were weird because I always held her car door and did all those little things for her even though we have been together for so long. But now I rarely do those little things

Now if something comes up that is a choice between her or me I choose me. I put my feelings my needs my wants my desires first. I am done putting her above me.

Putting yourself first does not mean ignoring everybody else. It just means recognizing that you are worthy of being first

there may come a time and circumstance that requires a person to place their needs over their spouses.

This isn't quite it. It's not about putting your needs above anyone else's. It's about taking care of yourself. You set firm boundaries and don't let them be compromised. You tell your partner what you need and stick to it.

Your partner gets to decide whether or not to meet your needs. You aren't forcing them to do anything. They choose. Their choice gives you yor answer on whether reconciliation is desired and possible.

Based on your partners choices, you then decide what's best for you. It's a give and take. You may decide that you want to attempt R. You may decide that you want to D. Your partner makes their choices and you make yours.

Again, thank you everyone for filling in some of the gaps in my thinking and for attempting to redirect my understandings when they aren’t quite right. Please know, I am reading with a real desire to understand this point of view and accept what makes sense and or is helpful.

Asterisk

It is a common theme here on SI that a spouse that has experienced sexual betrayal must put themselves 1st as they untangle and weave their way through the painful process of healing.

Healing is the operative word . Anytime we are healing we put ourselves first...whether it is from a sinus infection or a betrayal. Putting oneself FIRST in order to HEAL does not mean being selfish. I think that is where the conflict for you may be coming in.

EVERY cheater is selfish. They are not cheating in order to HEAL. I would even venture to say that cheating will only HURT the cheater...even more so than the betrayed. That was definitely the case with the two husbands who cheated on me.

I believe the fact that I still valued her, even after her infidelity, above all other things, helped her in rebuilding the self-worth she had needlessly smashed a recking ball to when she decided it was her place to see herself as number one in her life.

I did this with both of my husbands. I call it giving them mercy . My first husband took this as weakness on my part...and felt he could keep on cheating and I would never D him. He was WRONG. My second husband, however, decided he wanted to become a better husband after seeing this and we are very happily in R . I do believe that valuing my husbands didn't take anything away from ME...it just brought out their true colors...as it must have done for your wife as well...for the better .

Or is it just a way of many ways to find healing?

There is no right or wrong way to HEAL. If there was...people on this site would give a play by play on EXACTLY what to do . That is the NICE thing about this site...we can all give our experience and advice...and the BEST advice is to take what works for YOU...and leave the rest !

Some random responses NOT in priority order (I'm flu-addled, but as usual, your questions hook me. )

1) My oxygen mask: On d-day (15 years, one week, one day ago), I knew I was hurting, but I also knew my W was really fucked up, I had no doubt that she had a lot more work than I did to heal. I suspected she'd want/need my help, so I put my oxygen mask on first.

2) Self-protection: I wanted to R, but I didn't know if it was possible. Even it it was possible, I didn't know if we'd both stay the course. I knew I could control what I did, if I focused on doing so. so that's what I did.

That was temporary. As my W did her work, I thought I'd need less protection, and I slowly made myself vulnerable to W again. We went back to a balance.

3) Philosophically, I think Ayn Rand is as blind as a person can get (besides being a narcissistic and unremorseful WS), but I do agree with her that altruism is not what it's cracked up to be.

I tend to see a lot of 'self' in 'selfless'. I've done a lot to help my W, especially after d-day - but I think I did so by free choice. I know many BSes believe BSes have to eat excrement. I don't see that at all - I was and am free to walk away.

I've benefited from not walking away, and I believe I'd have benefitted from leaving. Either way I win, even while either way I lose. For me, the true self-sacrifice would have been to leave.

4) I think a lot of people see selflessness in codependence. IMO, co-d is a decision to hide oneself and manipulate others, so I don't see selflessness at all in co-d. Now, my W is co-d. Ten years ago, I got a phone call that my mom, 1000 miles away, had fallen without her emergency call button at hand, broke her shoulder in 3 places, and might be on her death bed. My W immediately worked with me to go see my mom. After Mom made it through the crisis, my W worked very hard and effectively to help my mom get into assisted living.

That was all genuine. There's simply a difference between 'I'm gonna help get this done' and 'I hope he doesn't get angry.' A social worker who hated case management, my W saw a need for case management skills and put hers to work.

We sacrificed, b. But we chose to. TBH, I could not have held my head up in society if I had turned my back on my mom - IOW, selfish and selfish simultaneously.

I see the combo of self and selfless as very human.

Helping ow would be selfless, IMO, but I'll dodge any opportunity to do that that I can. Any BH who helped their WS's ap ... I'd argue against it. I'd think it's crazy.

5) We say 'R takes 2' as well as 'focus on yourself first.' We also say:

BS heals BS.
WS heals WS.
Together they heal the M, if they both want to.

IOW, if R is on the table, the partners need to work together to define what their M will be and they'll put their vision into practice.

*****

IMO, no BS can know what the WS is going to do or how they're going to do it at first. SI has a lot of data saying the typical WS starts by lying, and lies are antithetical to good resolutions. The advice to focus on oneself is absolutely correct in the beginning, IMO. The best first step for any BS is to protect oneself, again IMO.

As always, it's important to adjust one's actions and thoughts as new facts come in.

And recovery always takes longer than anybody wants it to take. Just sayin'....

*****

On umpteenth thought, I think you've identified a hole in some very important messages. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

The 'BS first' part of the message is given directly to BSes who aren't putting themselves first and to JFOs who may not have thought of it. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to forget that people in R read the same messages without reading at the same time the qualification that 'BS first' can be modified if and when R gets going.

A good literal reader - especially a good literal reader who thinks for themself - might get confused.

I'll say this, though: I do my best to respond to a poster, and that necessitates responding to the poster and their context.

Sometimes I draft a post that addresses a similar question in different contexts. I find that to be really impossible. There are so many damned potential nuances that I get lost trying to think of all possible contexts - because if I'm going to address one additional context, I should address every context I can think of. But I'm not that good a writer. Nowhere good enough.

So I have to accept that SIers will contradict each other. I'll accept that we'll appear to be internally contradictory. I'm happy when the contradictions are pointed out.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:35 PM, Tuesday, December 30th]

Putting me first, for the first time in my life -- was a key element of my healing.

I was the oldest of three brothers, I looked out for them from the jump, I was the friend in my high school crew who would be the one to tow their car, move their couch and literally had to bail one out of jail along the way.

I utilized the same unselfish approach to the M.

I still wonder all these years later if my kindness was taken advantage of -- and not just by my wife, I mean everyone in my circle.

Not that I would change being a person who cares well for others, it is still a big part of my life -- to be the kindness I want to see in the world.

However, I did have to do a full reset.

I did have to focus on me and recalibrate my day to day world view.

As others have noted, a healthy me (mind, body and spirit) makes for healthy relationships.

I had to remember what makes me -- me.

And toss away the aspects that weren't working and adding things I thought were missing.

I'm older, I have a few more dents, and now battling forward as the good teammate again, but making sure I'm taken care of as well I am taking care of her.

The M is far more balanced now.

Same with all the relationships in my life.

Although, I still spoil my sons any chance I get, the way I always have. I'm good with the natural imbalance of fatherhood!

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:05 PM, Tuesday, December 30th]

Oddly, it was the first time I said NO to my husband. By then I knew about his cheating but he did not know I knew. I was painting a wall and he told me to go where he was and I said it. I back tracked fairly quickly but it planted the seed. I had my own agency. I had rights. I still have always tried to be kind but it a few instances in my life I have to make my negative feelings known to co-workers and others. It is not necessarily comfortable to stand your ground but it has to be done. I sometimes think of one spouse giving in all the time as tectonics. One person’s needs are subsumed by the other’s and on the surface it looks peaceful so when the eruption happens people are surprised…often the other spouse.
Putting your needs first means thinking things through and recognizing when you give in to keep the peace. If that is always the default of the bs it often gives the ws the power when it should be shared. It becomes the ability to say NO, or, I need, or, I want, without feeling guilty. In the end we teach others how to treat us. And NO is not a curse word, it is a complete sentence.

All of these asterisks in your life have one source.

Did your wife put herself first? What did she gain? How did having an affair improve her life?

She lost her husband. Sure, you're still married, but for more than thirty years there's been a huge asterisk hanging over her head. She sacrificed your love, your trust, your faith.

How the fuck is blowing up her life prioritizing herself?

And for what? What did gain? An asterisk? A qualification?

I love my wife, but...
I cherish my marriage, but...

Your thinking here is as twisted as twisted can be.

Infidelity is self-destructive.

You question why we all advise betrayed spouses to prioritize themselves?

Of course you "should" have made yourself your top priority after the shit she put you through.

(I understand there were other events that took precedence at the time).

Marriage is a partnership, not servitude, despite whatever moronic shit gets spewed from pulpits.

Brother, I don't know if you'd have stayed married had something like SI been around back in the day. From what little you've shared about those early months I don't think many SI vets would have considered her a good candidate for R.