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Well it’s the morning of I’m told if I don’t go she will go is this how it starts

So I gather she’s not taking the polygraph test.

And your response should be "ok I understand you are not taking the polygraph test".

And then leave the room.

Stop discussing ANYTHING with her. Just go about making your plans (whether you D or Reconcile) and put an end to the nonsense.

You don’t have to play her game. You don’t have to do anything she asks. You don’t have to stay in the same room when she starts her lying and deflecting behavior.

Take back your power. Just don’t engage with her on any level. My H tried to control things immediately after dday2. My responses were one word (yes or no) and I often just left the room. After 2 days of this he realized there was no balance of power. I had it all and I was not doing anything I didn’t want to.

And that included listening to his excuses or talking about our marriage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:55 AM, Friday, January 9th]

I take it she wants the poly but you don’t.

Without your participation it has no value other than ifcshe passes she might sense she has some irrelevant miral higher ground in a divorce.

I’m not saying that bigger she is saying she will only do it if I don’t go I want to go but she is trying to get out of it

Then follow 1stWife excellent advice

What difference does it make to her? Is she going to try to have someone else take it for her or something odd like that? You don't sit in same room I have heard, so why does it matter?

It matters for several reasons.
The poly does NOT find out if the person being questioned is telling the truth. It strongly indicates (with anything up to 95% reliability) if the person is HONEST in their answers.
If I truly thought 23+67 = 100 I would pass the question "Is 23+67 = 90" with a "no", even though the truth is that the sum is 90.
Part of the questioning process is defining terms used in questions. Worriedhusband wants to know how intimate or physical the relationship got, so an obvious question might be "did you have sex with OM". She could pass with a "no" if she defined sex as actual PIV, or if the intimacy was "limited" to groping. To deal with issues like that, the operator might use terms like "intimate" rather than sex, and spend time defining intimate. Let’s say that with the operator wife admits to making out with OM. Thereby the operator might make it clear that by "intimate" or "sex" he’s referring to mutual stimulation, touching, oral or full-on-sex and NOT make-out sessions. Without having been part of the pre-process wife can tell Worried that she passed the "were you intimate with OM" with a "no" – without Worried knowing that she actually made out with him.

Being part of the process ALSO strengthens WW case when and if she passes.

I agree he should definitely be there and involved, I just did not understand why she was adamant that she did not want him to go.

The tester is saying I don’t need to be there I send my questions to him which I defined the meaning to me in and he discusses them with her and he sends me the results.

What possible reason could she have for refusing to let you be there?

Man, what is happening now is decidedly not a stepping stone to reconciliation. This is manipulation and nonsense.

I know it is and I am trying best I can to hold it together but I’m losing it ironically enough I have a doctors appointment this morning for a yearly physical that I’m sure my blood pressure will be through the roof. It is always perfect I am mentally not holding myself together well I’m trying but I don’t get how 17 years I can’t even get 3 months to fix or attempt to fix what is happening between us. This is clearly someone who says they want nothing more than to stay together doesn’t at all it’s just words

I agree with InkHulk. She is definitely manipulating the situation to her advantage.

I learned many years ago when I was working that the one who is most willing to walk away, either in a business deal or in a personal situation, is the one who holds the balance of power. I taught this to my children and they have used it to their advantage over the years, especially when it came to discussing future salaries with their superiors. They are doing very well.

Have you put down on paper what is happening to you? Have you written down the pros and cons of your situation? Personally I have found this to be helpful in clarifying my thinking and untwisting the knots in my stomach.

I also agree with 1st Wife. You do not have to interact with your wife about this situation. Just say, "I don't want to talk about it right now" and walk away, or else, say nothing and walk away.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 2:13 PM, Friday, January 9th]

Generally – if the operator tells you this is fine then I would go with that.

However... there is another issue you need to decide on.
How comfortable are you with this process?

Remember – IF there is no change in your attitude regarding R or D after the test there is no reason to go through with it.
I know you deeply wish to reconcile. If she passes then AT LEAST you should/could assume you have the truth on what you consider key-issues and could use that as a base to reconcile from. If the operator phones you and tells you she passed – including your key-questions – how are YOU going to react?

If you are sill wondering if you have the truth – if this got further – then don’t bother with the test.

One issue: Who found the operator? What do you know of him? Is he reputable, have references? Or does he have a shingle outside his stall at the local fair and also predict the future? Any personal or professional connection with you or your wife?

Be honest with your Dr about what’s going on. Include your WW concern about your drinking, but be clear on how easy sobriety seems for you. Chances are he can offer some help in dealing with the chaos you and your whole physical and mental system is dealing with.

Even if poly was going to be a useful tool to you, the fact that there is all this chaos and swirl the morning of is nuts. This whole exercise is about creating confidence in you. Taking this under all this chaos is very unlikely to create a long standing confidence in you. Pushing thru and passing a test that you don’t trust will be a nightmare.

It seems like she is trying to start a fight as a way out of taking the polygraph. However you handle it do whatever you can to keep your emotions in check. If you focus on the idea that this is a ploy to cause a fight as an excuse to avoid the polygraph it will help you remain in control. Don't let her control you.

The tester is saying I don’t need to be there I send my questions to him which I defined the meaning to me in and he discusses them with her and he sends me the results.

Does the tester know your wife? Because the first thing that jumps to my mind when she demands you not go, is she is sending a friend or sibling. If not that this is just another stall tactic. A reason to avoid the test. That's not someone who is remorseful nor a candidate for reconciliation.

No she doesn’t know them

I hadn't thought about what @grubs suggested. It seems like a real possibility. You seem to be in contact with the person giving the test. You could text them a picture and ask them to take a photo and attach it to the results.

I sent him a message asking if he checks her id to make sure it’s her

Flat out, I think it sounds like an absolutely horrible idea to allow your wife to dictate that you can’t go when you want to. What good can come out of this under these circumstances? She is pumping confusion and doubt into the whole thing. I think you should pump the brakes here, refuse to even recognize the test if she insists on taking it, and (if you should so choose after this tantrum) reschedule if she agrees to reasonable terms and conditions.

If she goes and takes this and she passes, what are you going to do with that? Will you trust it with all this happening? She will use it as a moral exoneration. Then you are worse off than you are now.