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I don’t back down and that makes the arguments worse. I do agree that she is worried about the poly because she is still hiding things that she thinks will be a deal breaker she said she was ending the conversations with him before I caught it because she knew it was wrong but also wasn’t going to tell me about it which I told her bothered me that she could sneak around behind my back and was planning to hide it and hope I never found out so that tells me you have zero respect for me. Like I said everything she has is because of me I’m not saying that means I’m not at fault because I know im not perfect but again she had no credit I did I paid for her school the house we built I even put up a pool myself because she wanted one. I think she won’t tell me because she thinks I will leave even though I said tell me now and I will try to work though it but I think she is afraid to lose everything not so much me just the stuff I have given her

I’m not saying that means I’m not at fault because I know im not perfect

You're not at fault for her choices to enter into an inappropriate relationship with someone else, and that is the current major issue, right?

I guess I’m not saying it’s my fault she did what she did what I’m saying is I know I’m not perfect. I have my faults but I try to be the best father and husband I can be I always put them before myself and always have. I’m not a soft sweet talker I don’t tell her how beautiful I think she is enough.

Of course you're not perfect. No one is a perfect partner. Including your WW. The whole point of your wedding vows is the assurance that no matter your flaws, no matter the frustrations, resentments, or issues in your M, your partner will be faithful as long as you are married. Period.

It’s basic human reaction to justify your actions, and that’s what she’s doing.
I’m a former cop, and about 99% of all those I dealt with had "good" excuses for whatever got them in trouble. Ranging from "I’m not really drunk – must be flu" to "everybody speeds here" to "insurance covers what I burglarized" to "she wanted it rough" to "I had to beat the crap out of him because he wore a Vikings shirt".
That’s what you WW is doing – she "had" to have the affair because YOU did something.
(I use the terms WW and affair very liberally here – we know she did something inappropriate and we know she was in some stage of EA, but how far and how deep is what’s missing)

Occasionally I would deal with someone that would raise their hand, acknowledge their blame and accountability. As a rule I dealt with them once. Never saw them "professionally" again. This is one reason I insist total accountability is necessary to reconcile.

I don’t think you are gaining anything from arguing with her about your accountability for her decision. I think you should put that discussion to bed with the following "logic":

"Honey – If MY actions made you go outside our marriage then there really isn’t any possibility of reconciliation. After all – I was never aware that what I was doing was making you decide to go this far with OM. I can make changes, just like I have stopped drinking, but what if I start doing something else that has this effect on you without even knowing of it? Like if I forget to take out the trash two weeks in a row, would that cause you to call OM? The only way forward is if we can be accountable for our actions, and find ways to better communicate our wishes and issues."

Friend – I think your emphasis right now should be on the importance on truth and accountability. Be clear on both your anticipation and fear for the poly, because if she fails on ANYTHING it immediately tells you that this isn’t salvageable, while at the same time her passing will make you know there is something worth fighting for.

You have your head screwed on straight, even in the face of this turmoil. Moreso than a lot of people. You’re going to be just fine no matter what you find out or what happens.

Well we talked today and she is standing firm on her story of what it was no matter what it looks like and that she agrees she understands why I wouldn’t believe her account of it. With that being said she said she wants to do the poly like she is adamant she is telling the truth claiming if she passes it then what will I finally believe her. Like I’ve said I want to believe her and I want so much to know and move on. She is starting to seem remorseful for her actions but still gets upset easily so hopefully that changes soon as well.

With that being said she said she wants to do the poly like she is adamant she is telling the truth claiming if she passes it then what will I finally believe her.

On its face, this is a positive development for sure, more so if she follows through (Ill be very happy to be wrong on this). If the veracity of her claims are affirmed by her answers and she naintains a remorseful attitude, you may have something to work with and I hope you do for your sake (I am not so dour as to not love a success story). If she completely owns the behaviors that have led you to this point, is willing to renounce it and change those ways, even better.

No matter what, I encourage you to approach it all with strength and self assuredness. She needs to see a man who knows and believes his worth.

After our talk and I explained how I felt and said basically I was going to file for divorce because who she has become and the lack of accountability for her choices making me the reason had done nothing but push me away from her and make me resent her. She said she understood and planned on still going through with the polygraph regardless of me leaving even I I didn’t go to hand me the results to prove her story

Your flaws have absolutely nothing to do with her affair. It's great you can recognize your faults and work on them but regardless she made the decision to violate the relationship and now the burden is on her to fix herself and try to fix a relationship

ETA: My wife as well said she was going to stop her sexting with her coworker because the conversations were making her uncomfortable and I said no you weren't. I said you had no reason to stop and the only reason you did is because I caught you. Based on what I read which was only one day of messages you were loving it. She only said that to try to make me feel better but I knew it was BS

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:35 PM, Thursday, January 1st]

She said she understood and planned on still going through with the polygraph regardless of me leaving even I I didn’t go to hand me the results to prove her story

I truly hope she does go through with it WH, for your sake and for the possibility of reconciliation. Ive got my fingers crossed for you.

However, when it comes to this, words are cheap. I went through this same situation, adamantly said they would take the test and adamantly swore on our sons life that there was nothing else I didnt know. But, once we got close to the test date, her true colors started to show and she started a fight with me and didnt take the first test.

After I confronted her with all the evidence and she finally came clean, took months, then we rescheduled and she finally took it and passed.

I truly hope your situation is different, I truly hope in your case that you know everything, but im very skeptical of that based on everything you've described.

Overall the proof will be in the pudding, not in her words. If she actually takes the test. I would do your best to prepare for the worst case scenario. It might not turn out how you hoped.

Best of luck WH, I truly hope your situation is different than mine was.