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It has been 8 years now since D day and since then we have moved house, got a dog, bought a campervan, been on holidays and loads of trips. To anyone outside of the relationship we look solid. But I can't fully forgive and he is now slipping back into his old behaviours - drinking more, being irritable with anyone close to him, thinking he is always right.

After D day he did lots of work - therapy for ages and we did all the recommended things - full disclosure, couples therapy, I did individual therapy too.most of which was around why I was with him in the first place. The relationship was lovely for a good 5 years - very open with each other and I felt loved and cared for - on reflection for the first time eve.

I now feel like his part of the reconciliation was an act and one that he has been unable to keep going for this long. Or is he just taking me and our life for granted again? I'm now wondering if reconciliation was the wrong move - I don't fully trust him and never will but I decided to live with that - but it feels very fragile and my gut says to cut my losses and go.

Hey there, rosie. I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

Seems to me that what you're experiencing is rather common. I gave reconciliation a chance mostly because we had a 4yo child. But, I also loved my ex-wife and didn't want to throw away what we had.

I honestly believe that we did reconcile. She changed, owned and fixed her shit. We had a few good years, we were happy(ish), and connected like never before. There's even a couple posts from me in the Positive Reconciliation Stories thread.

Five years later, however, it finally dawned on me that I would never love her the way she wanted me to. The damage was simply too great. We fell back into old habits and patterns until one day I simply tired of fighting. I had nothing left to give.

I let her go. I let me go. We're both happier for it.

Divorcing was extremely painful. Not nearly as much as surviving infidelity. Still, it was hard to finally let go.

Sometimes I think people get wrapped up in reconciliation and then they realize that it wasn't what they thought it would be. For me, it was certainly worth the effort. The journey itself was its own reward.

Whatever you choose to do, finding a greater level of inner peace is always a good thing.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:18 AM, Friday, December 5th]

I am sorry that your relationship has been broken and you are now feeling like you are on shaky ground. That is a very difficult position to be in.

he is now slipping back into his old behaviours - drinking more, being irritable with anyone close to him, thinking he is always right.

I’m going to assume this was his behavior for a period of time during his affair. So that you are now triggered into thinking he might be cheating again.

I think you need to separate his patterns of behavior and recognize that he has some serious issues.

First - the drinking
Second - his demeanor
Third - his thinking he’s always right

Whether he’s cheating or not, any one of these issues makes it difficult to live with him. Add all 3 together and it becomes even more difficult to tolerate. It appears that you may not be able to talk to him about your concerns so you are left in a position of just having to accept it.

Bottom line, reconciliation is NOT something that means you are stuck in the marriage just b/c you Reconciled years ago. If you are unhappy and have tried everything to make changes and nothing changes, then you should give yourself permission to divorce.

You do not have to walk through the past yet again. It doesn’t matter if he’s cheating or not right now. You are unhappy and that is a perfectly valid reason to end it.

Drinking too much = red flag, not that he's necessarily cheating, but he has a problem. A person who drinks too much can't fix anything else. That needs to be addressed.

Regardless of his current behavior, I hear you on regretting R. I'm 11 years from dday. We have done all the things. From the outside, we look solid, too. Like Unhinged, I know I will never love my H again. The damage he did by cheating was too much. I can't completely forgive and trust him again. I'm just here living my comfy life trying to get along the best I can.

If you aren't feeling it and you have the means to D, do it.