Shatteredheartbrokenmind (original poster new member #86445) posted at 7:09 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
Hi! New member and first time poster here! I've recently realized that other than my IC, I have no one in my life that I can trust enough to talk to about what I'm going through. My WH listens and tries, but it's not the same as having a friend or family member to lean on and get opinions from. So I'm trying something new with this group.
Dday was March 1st of this year. I found out that my WH has been cheating on me in some form or other for around 8 years (over half of our marriage) with potential for inappropriate behaviors as early as when we first started dating. He's had 3 PAs, 1 EA and 2 online affairs. As soon as I confronted him with what I'd found, he deleted everything. I had already gone through emails and FB messenger (but only back a short while and with only 2 people), but had never gained access to his phone, pictures, or messages and things going back longer than a year or so. Originally neither of us wanted to R, but he changed his mind and has been doing everything he can to be a better husband and father and to heal our relationship. And I will give him credit, he's putting in a lot of work and truly trying. BUT he's always had a horrible memory (severe ADHD doesn't help). I'm a facts kind of person. I need to know what happened to deal with this, and since he deleted everything and forgets so many things, I have very little to go on. It makes it hard to trust him again when I don't know what he actually forgets, and what he's just telling me he forgets so he doesn't have to give me information. I also can't seem to even start making peace with what happened. I just can't accept it. My IC says I need radical acceptance. That I don't need to agree with what happened or even pretend that it was ok, but just accept that it happened so I can work on healing and working on our relationship. But I seem to be stuck. Anytime I think about what he's done, I just feel hopeless, lost and repulsed. Back to square 1.
Our MC seems to only focus on moving forward - things we need to focus on to be good partners, etc. But I'm just not there yet. I can't focus on those things when I feel like I'm still drowning with the facts (what little I have) of what he's done. The betrayal is just so painful. I've read a few books on healing from As, and I feel like they either focus on getting to a point where you can function or once you've made peace, having a better marriage. I need more in the middle, on HOW to accept and make peace with what has happened. My WH is hurt that I haven't forgiven him yet. But I can't even think that way when I don't even know what all I'm having to forgive.
So, how have you all been able to "accept" or "make peace" with your WS's As? What can I do to help myself move forward? I do want to R, but I know that if I can't stop drowning in what happened, that won't work. Also, how do you rebuild trust after so much betrayal and so little information? Thanks!
3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 7:51 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
Oh yeah, I’m gonna be a shit example of this. Twenty five years married, 13 years out from dday. They were basically one night rando hookups from Craigslist, one girl was 20 and he met with her a few times.
I have white knuckled reconciliation. He wants it, and he also has severe adhd. Impulse control is an issue.
Now moving likely toward divorce, so many years after I discovered his affairs.
I’m going to ask a different question. Because my reconciliation is full of regrets that I didn’t leave earlier.
Why do you need to cramp around your partner’s shit life skills?
You don’t. You shouldn’t be doing the majority of the work. You don’t need to be with someone who can’t adult like an adult.
[This message edited by 3yrsout at 7:52 PM, Tuesday, August 12th]
3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 7:53 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
Read "Cheating in a Nutshell".
KitchenDepth5551 ( member #83934) posted at 9:57 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
My IC says I need radical acceptance. That I don't need to agree with what happened or even pretend that it was ok, but just accept that it happened so I can work on healing and working on our relationship. But I seem to be stuck. Anytime I think about what he's done, I just feel hopeless, lost and repulsed. Back to square 1.
Are you sure that your IC also intends the latter part of this?
...so I can work on healing and working on our relationship
Acceptance can involve you accepting that it happened, that the situation is what it currently is without any hopes of what it could have been or it might be in the future, and moving on based on that scenario. That sounds more like acceptance as I know it. Your WH cheated. He did the acts for which you have evidence. He won't admit more. Maybe he remembers more. Maybe he forgets. What are the implications in the future for accepting all of that as fact? What if he does remember and is lying? What if he can't remember anything? Why or why not? Accept that it may never improve and there's current evidence that it won't. Can he remember dating you? What if he can't remember anything he does in the future? What does that mean for you and the family?
You have said that you cannot forgive what you do not know. You have to accept that you do not know. That is the default. Don't expect that to change. Now what?
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:12 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
Making peace (IMO) is for you. Not the cheater.
You accept it happened. You process it. You understand it had NOTHING to do with you — it’s the cheaters poor coping mechanisms and/or lack of skills or whatever it is.
It does not mean you forgive.
It certainly doesn’t mean you not address it.
It is meant to help you start to heal - no matter what the cheater says it goes after the affair is discovered.
I hope this helps you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
WB1340 ( member #85086) posted at 11:51 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
There are no magical answers or definitive timeline. It progresses that your pace and that's the end of the discussion regarding how fast reconciliation should happen
I think everyone wonders if they really know everything about their WS's affair(s). I still think I don't know everything and I'm going on 16 months
Typically it's the MC's that push for you to just accept that it happened and then move towards building a brand new sparkly awesome solid relationship. They want the win of saving in marriage. Your IC should be focusing on what you need what you want and in my opinion should not be talking about how to salvage your marriage
The mistake I made was demanding MC on day one because I didn't know any better. In hindsight I would have gone to IC for several months and then figured out what I wanted to do with the relationship
Stay strong, we are here for you
D-day April 4th 2024. WW was sexting with a married male coworker. Started R a week later, still ongoing...
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:02 AM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There is a post pinned to the top of the forum that you may find helful, titled Beyond Regret and Remorse. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some really good posts that we encourage new members to read. There are some others in the JFO forum that aren't pinned that are also really good, and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site.
There's an industry provider who indicates that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and it can take longer if you R. You are fairly new in your journey, and any additional dday or major revelation will set your healing clock back to zero. Frankly, I was still a mess at 6 months and nowhere near healed enough for MC. Your marriage didn't cheat - he did.
Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short, so it doesn't take long to read. But he will make it through if he's interested enough. One important thing to remember is that it's going to take a lot of hard work to R, and you can't drag anybody through it. Another tough situation is that he's a serial cheater, and they are notorious for not digging in and really doing the work to change to be a safe partner.
Do you feel like you have a good fit with your IC? If you can, you may wish to look for a betrayal trauma specialist and bonus if they deal with infidelity. One thing that helped me to get to the "acceptance" place was working through The Grief Recovery Handbook with my second IC, the betrayal trauma specialist.
One thing about trauma is that our bodies can't tell the difference between infidelity trauma and being chased down by a cheetah. Your brain is going to think about what he's done because your mind is trying to make sure that you're no longer in danger. You can have the fight, flight, freeze or fawn response and may be why you feel hopeless and lost. Repulsed is because what he's done is repulsive and doesn't make any sense.
Even if he could remember, it's probable that he'd lie about it. Have you asked for a written timeline? Maybe not with all the details, but as much as he can remember? If he's wants R, he can at least put pen to paper.
As you heal and as time passes, your brain will calm down and then you will begin to realized that this may be all of the information that you'll ever have. It sucks and it isn't fair.
So sorry you're here.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:59 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
It took a while to accept that the A happened and that it was totally because of my W's issues with herself, not issues with me or our M.
But my W was honest from d-day on. She took responsibility for her actions. You wrote that you believe your WS say IDR to avoid talking about his As. If he's lying, he's not a good candidate for R.
We tell people to focus on their own healing and to not try to control the outcome. You're forcing yourself to R with a person who lacks what I think are essential qualities for R. IOW, R is doomed for you unless you change your approach.
What are your requirements for R - real requirements, which means you will D unless he meets your requirements. I think you may be stuck because he's not meeting them.
That I don't need to agree with what happened or even pretend that it was ok, but just accept that it happened so I can work on healing and working on our relationship.
I buy that, but I think you need to consider D again. I think it's best to accept who you are, who your WS is, and what happened.
But your healing in part includes making a free choice about your responses to your WS and what happened. You have to accept, but you don't have to stay. IMO, one can't really choose to stay or go unless one believes both options will work out well in one way or another.
'Work on your relationship' doesn't necessarily mean 'R'; it might mean 'figure out how you'll interact during and after D.'
If you let your WS know what your requirements are, he may meet them. IOW, I'm not saying D is going to be your outcome, just that you need to change if you want R.
That's the crux: what do you want? Figuring that out will guide you to your next actions.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
I apologize if this post got away one me...
I would concur with the recommendation to read Cheating in a Nutshell. I gave words to all of the contradictory feelings I had been experiencing post D-day.
My now EXWW has ADHD as well as other issues like undiagnosed aspergers which manifest as narcissistic behavioirs, though she isn't NPD. Being married to her was like being married to an egocentric teenager, so I constantly felt like a parent, carrying a disproportionate load in the M. I did this pre-D-day as I saw us as a partnership, but after D-day, everything shifted. It was like the currency in her various characteristics crashed and I had to reevaluate the relationship to see if it was worth it.
After about six months, I gave her a shit-test which she failed spectacularly and so I ended the M. You see, now that everything has shifted due to her infidelities, I had the freedom to step back and look at things objectively. I realized that she was not only not going to change, but was actually incapable of doing so. Seven years later, my observation has been confirmed and cement my adult daughters can see this. They occasionally comment on their mother's lack of maturity.
Had I chosen to stay, I would have condemned myself to a life of quiet desperation, living out my final decades never knowing peace. Maybe your WH has the ability to change and grow, but he, not you, has to do the work. YOU cannot carry both him and yourself.
I'm an oulier in my positions.
Me:57 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.
Divorced
Theevent ( member #85259) posted at 5:25 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
Justsomeguy
What is the test you gave her?
Me - BH D-day 4/2024 age 42Her - WW EA 1/2023, PA 7/2023 - 6/2024, age 40 Married 18 years, 2 teenage children Trying to reconcile
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:06 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
What is the test you gave her?
Probably a simple question that required an honest answer. And the cheater just couldn’t do it.
I am assuming you already knew the answer JustSomeGuy.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.