I can't make peace...
Hi! New member and first time poster here! I've recently realized that other than my IC, I have no one in my life that I can trust enough to talk to about what I'm going through. My WH listens and tries, but it's not the same as having a friend or family member to lean on and get opinions from. So I'm trying something new with this group.
Dday was March 1st of this year. I found out that my WH has been cheating on me in some form or other for around 8 years (over half of our marriage) with potential for inappropriate behaviors as early as when we first started dating. He's had 3 PAs, 1 EA and 2 online affairs. As soon as I confronted him with what I'd found, he deleted everything. I had already gone through emails and FB messenger (but only back a short while and with only 2 people), but had never gained access to his phone, pictures, or messages and things going back longer than a year or so. Originally neither of us wanted to R, but he changed his mind and has been doing everything he can to be a better husband and father and to heal our relationship. And I will give him credit, he's putting in a lot of work and truly trying. BUT he's always had a horrible memory (severe ADHD doesn't help). I'm a facts kind of person. I need to know what happened to deal with this, and since he deleted everything and forgets so many things, I have very little to go on. It makes it hard to trust him again when I don't know what he actually forgets, and what he's just telling me he forgets so he doesn't have to give me information. I also can't seem to even start making peace with what happened. I just can't accept it. My IC says I need radical acceptance. That I don't need to agree with what happened or even pretend that it was ok, but just accept that it happened so I can work on healing and working on our relationship. But I seem to be stuck. Anytime I think about what he's done, I just feel hopeless, lost and repulsed. Back to square 1.
Our MC seems to only focus on moving forward - things we need to focus on to be good partners, etc. But I'm just not there yet. I can't focus on those things when I feel like I'm still drowning with the facts (what little I have) of what he's done. The betrayal is just so painful. I've read a few books on healing from As, and I feel like they either focus on getting to a point where you can function or once you've made peace, having a better marriage. I need more in the middle, on HOW to accept and make peace with what has happened. My WH is hurt that I haven't forgiven him yet. But I can't even think that way when I don't even know what all I'm having to forgive.
So, how have you all been able to "accept" or "make peace" with your WS's As? What can I do to help myself move forward? I do want to R, but I know that if I can't stop drowning in what happened, that won't work. Also, how do you rebuild trust after so much betrayal and so little information? Thanks!
10 comments posted: Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
