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It's been 4 years. Does anyone else in and around this time frame from Dday still have almost daily thoughts about the A. Our R is progressing and I do think we'll be successful (whatever that word means in the BS world) but I'm still dealing with daily thoughts that fill any downtime I have. When I'm busy, I'm usually fine but we all know we have and need downtime and my mind can't handle that right now. I do see an IC and have spent the first two sessions focused on the background of my situation and working through some basics but I'm curious if any of you who might be further along or may have found a way to deal with this have any insight? My WW recognizes my mood changes but responding with "Nothings wrong, I made the mistake of not being busy and started thinking about the affair." doesn't seem productive. Read this book on how to worry less and it was based on stoicism. Basic foundation is you can control 3 things: Your character (and virtues associated with that), your actions/reactions and how you treat others. Our WS, basically created a dumpster fire of all 3 and us B get to deal with it. I'm 4 years out and I'm still in this paradox of pain and a hopeful recovery.

Yup. Same. DDay 1 was Dec 2021. TT over the next 6 mos into the summer/fall resulting in at least two more Ddays. Came close to filing for divorce 2x. Backed off. In a kinda "R" since then. She did some of the basic stuff, but then I quit pressing for things like her getting counseling and we just sort of settled into the stereotypical POLF. Made a kinda peace with the situation for myself and staying (for wrong reasons I know... kids and financial). It's not that I don't love her, just not in the same way and probably never will again. I also have more or less accepted I will never learn the full truth, unless she has some kind of epiphany. Like you, if I keep busy with work and other activities, the A rents no space in my mind at all. It's the down times when my thoughts get occupied with it (a bit every day still). Not as intense, but it's always there like the pain of a bad knee if my thoughts turn to it. Have one adult child (out of the house) and the other will graduate HS in a couple years. I'm about 85% convinced I will pull the D trigger then if we're still in this POLF situation and/or she's not done any more than she has so far. And I've heard it all... "why wait... you deserve better..." etc. I get it, but I'm ok with my situation. Sorry, didn't mean to thread-jack, but wanted to let you know a lot of us in very similar situations.

Thanks. You're virtually identical to me except we might be in a little better spot R-wise which just speaks to the damage done by this. We're doing better but I'm still crushed. You read some of the "fantasy land" support sites and they talk about self-care (excercise, yoga, mindfulness..not sure what that means still) but none of it keeps me busy enough to prevent downtime and that's when it starts. I saw someone on another thread who bats the feelings away by distracting themselves. They do it by thinking about the steps to making a salad....(no disrespect if that works for you) but sad state of affairs if my coping mechanism has to be thinking thru the steps of making tiramisu to distract myself (that made me chuckle so there's a win for today )

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 4:28 PM, Thursday, June 12th]

I’m 6 years out. For me, it has come down to making a conscious effort not to think about it. Intrusive thoughts will still pop up for me, but the more I make an effort not to think about it, the less I think about it.

Not having enough to do, being tired, bored, etc….will get me thinking about it. It will still cross my mind maybe once a day. Occasionally, I’m happily surprised and have a few days where it doesn’t cross my mind at all.

The Stoics helped me a lot.

Pre-dday I thought I had mindfulness figured out, but the trauma of it all cut through any philosophical or meditative safe spaces.

Time did help me, and when I told myself 10,000 times that I can’t a thing about the past, I can only do something about the now, or today, I eventually understood it.

I always understood I couldn’t control anyone — having kids will teach that lesson in a week.

My favorite application of my healing was, as you noted, I can only control my response to adversity.

So I started to control my response. If I get a trigger, or reminder or flashback to the A era, I figure out why or where that is coming from and then I feel what I need to about it (be it anger, sadness, etc.), process it and then own it. Basically, it is a, "Yes, bad shit happened in the past, but it ain’t happening now."

Then I appreciate what is going well. I focus on the truth that I am a badass who conquered grief, I am an honorable guy who gave his wife a last chance to do good and be good.

Actually, I think year four was decent for me, but the triggers/thoughts were still invasive more often than I wanted.

Year five was when I felt good about how I was attacking those thoughts, and my wife’s work was consistent enough that I turned the corner on the constant pain of it all.

These days, the only time I really think about the A is responding here at SI. And I know I will get reminders here, but I still find it important to pay it forward, best I can when I can to try and share my experiences here that on occasion, can help someone else.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:03 PM, Thursday, June 12th]

Oldwounds - Do you have any suggestions in the way of books, podcasts, etc. of the Stoicism you studied?

Thank you in advance.

Reasons Not to Worry by Brigid Delaney

Oldwounds - Do you have any suggestions in the way of books, podcasts, etc. of the Stoicism you studied?

Old Romans and Greeks don’t necessarily translate well to the modern world, the source books can be a little dry, unless you love reading philosophy in general. That said, the primary sources that a lot of modern stoics start with are the ‘big three’:

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
Letters from a Stoic by Seneca
Epictetus' Discourses and Enchiridion

A key modern stoic, I follow some on social media, Ryan Holiday.

He has a couple books out as well:

The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday
The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Ryan sometimes focuses more on the bullet points/bumper sticker kind of stuff, but he does a good job translating the old concepts and how they apply to the current day.

I find most of it is common sense stuff, but we all lose focus sometimes, and this approach of not sweating the small stuff is a good reminder, IMHO.

I’ll be following this thread. I’m six months out from D Day (WW, 4 month PA with her work superior, AP committed major property damage after WW ended it on D Day, AP later killed himself).
I’m not as far removed from all of the stuff as you are, so things may change with time for me.
I’ve noticed that while the thoughts are ALWAYS there, the effect they have on me tends to vary. Sometimes, I can sort of quietly acknowledge "hey that sucked but it’s better now". Other times it’s all I can do not to be on the floor from the pain. Down time triggers the thoughts more, but I’m not really sure what they hit differently sometimes.

I hear what you’re saying about not knowing how to respond when she asks if you’re ok. I have the same issue. I hate sounding like a broken record admitting I still hurt from her cheating. That being said, I think it’s better to acknowledge it than force it down. But I’m all ears if anyone has suggestions on how to respond when you get the "are you ok" question.

That being said, I think it’s better to acknowledge it than force it down. But I’m all ears if anyone has suggestions on how to respond when you get the "are you ok" question.

I think we all heal different.

For me, if I was going to stay, the old days of walking on eggshells was over.

I get to be me, 24/7, no masks, no roles, no games, no bullshit.

That said, I wasn’t ever going to weaponize my pain — but if I was hurting, I told her I was hurting.

If you’re trying to keep the peace, you can lead in with, "hey, I appreciate your recent efforts — and also — I have all of these horrible images in my head on a loop."

I had to be honest and I had to process every bit of my pain, sadness and all out anger of it all. It takes time. Give yourself lots of room for those one step forward, three steps back types of days.