Questions About Reconciliation
Its been a bit over a month since DDay. To my knowledge, my WW has kept no contact and appears to be working toward reconciliation the best way she can. But, I still have questions and the entire experience has shaken everything I thought I knew about her and our marriage.
My story: I (M/41) discovered my wife (F/29) was having an affair with her superior at work. DDay was December 20, 2024, which also happened to be our anniversary.
The affair started not long after my wife gave birth to our third child, which was in June 2024. The emotional affair was likely going on while she was still pregnant, and the affair turned physical in August 2024 while I was traveling for work.
My wife kept it secret, but started to pull away and act very strangely beginning in October. I became suspicious, but she convinced me that she had just fallen out of love but was not seeing someone else. We entered counseling while the affair was still going on, and I began to make changes on my part to be a better husband (paying attention to her, getting on my phone less, improving priorities, etc). She responded to the changes by pulling further away.
I caught her by discovering lingerie and a messed up bed in a spare bedroom that had not been used in months. Eventually she confessed and broke it off that day. She told me she realized she could never be with him in the long run and that she wanted to work on our relationship. However, when she tried to break it off with him previously, he threatened to inform me of the affair and even threatened to come to our home. Once I found out about the affair, he could no longer blackmail her and she broke it off.
However, later that night, her AP did come to our home and damage my personal car and work vehicle (nearly $20k) in total damages. He also stole some stuff. He confessed to the police and charges are pending. We also both have orders of protection against him, so contact from him is actually illegal.
Because of this, now both of our jobs are involved and a lot of people know about the affair that wouldn't otherwise need to know.
We are working on reconciliation.
What has happened since DDay: Our kids spent a lot of time with grandparents initially. I was also off work (she has quit her job) so we had a few weeks to mostly be with each other. We worked through the book Surviving Infidelity in about 10 days. We have also been attending biblical counseling and marital counseling. We shared locations and gave passwords/access to emails/social media/phones etc. I suppose the immediate aftermath of all this went about as well as it could have.
Life has since returned to a new normal where she stays home with our kids and I work. It leaves much less time for connection than we had before. Also, while she has never said it, I get the feeling my WW would prefer to just not talk about the affair and move on. She gets annoyed at times when I ask for support and does not like having to continue to apologize or affirm her commitment to our marriage. I had previously asked her to take the lead in our recovery, yet it has been me who sought out the counselors, the book we worked through, and our support friends. Almost immediately after finishing the affair book, she wanted to do another book on division of household chores. I'm totally open to doing that book but it feels a like the time isn't right to pivot away from affair recovery, especially given how much more I help out around the house now than I previously did.
Triggers are everywhere. Half of my house is a trigger. So is my truck as is a big chunk of the area where we live. Trying to control the pervasive mental movies and sense of utter betrayal has really taken a toll on me. She is truly the last person I would have expected this from. I don't sleep well at all anymore.
Some questions I have are: What is reasonable for me to expect of my WW at this point? Keep in mind that she is caring for 3 small kids and being a homemaker so time is limited.
It's only been a month, so what is my expected timeline for emotional improvement? Total emotional recovery feels impossible at this point.
Has anyone dealt with a WW who wanted to reconcile but was resistant to certain aspects of supporting her BH? Did anything help?
When will she start displaying remorse??? My wife is naturally stoic I suppose, but it seems like she only thinks about the A when I bring it up. Does she just wall it off or does it truly not cross her mind?
13 comments posted: Tuesday, January 28th, 2025
