SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Ive read through alot of threads on here that tell you when your spouse is raging to accept what you did, dont defend it and to reassure them and apologise,

im wanting to help my betrayed get past the anger and lashing out since we will always have a few good days and then something small makes him yell at me for a day about how im a whore, he could do better, i havent changed im just pretending, i should leave, he has no answers on reconciliation and that he couldnt care less, that i fucked a fat guy and that means i have no standards, asking if he should go and cheat on me now etc etc.

When he does this i try to say that i love him and i hate who i was, reassure him that im so sorry i hurt him, that im not going anywhere, that i only want him, that i am sure hes the only man who will ever touch me again, that im embarassed by what i did etc and he only seems to get angrier or tell me to shut the fuck up and keep yelling at me til eventually he storms off cause i cant help but get emotional since he makes it seem like were trying one day and the next its like he already knows itll never work out and repeat, its very emotionally draining but im sticking by him because i do realise what i did, why i did it and how id never repeat it and i dont want to be a better person for anyone but him, how would you say i need to respond in these moments? am i correct in still responding with love when hes telling me he doesnt care and to shut the fuck up, is this normal?

[This message edited by dc1997112 at 8:14 AM, Sunday, March 23rd]

No stop sign.

I think you’re doing the right things, but only for two months. Not nearly long enough.

Time. Time. Be patient.

Is time a guarantee of success? No, but it is essential.

As a BH, I know what your husband is feeling. I wish I could put it in words, but I just don’t think that you, or any other WW, would understand.

I will say, that his anger and frustration is a measure of how much he cares about you, how much you mean to him. He’s lost the most important thing in the world to him.

Some compare the loss to the death of a loved one. But that’s not right. Infidelity is worse (at least it was for me). Death is a natural part of life. It’s not a betrayal. And now he is trying to live with his betrayer. Seeing you is gut-wrenching. Every time.

Getting him to make himself vulnerable to you again is going to take time.

Stay the course. Best wishes.

Your BS has every right to be angry, and they are on a roller coaster of wild emotional swings for the foreseeable future. MONTHS.
If you want to R, you need to understand that you caused this and you need to help them through it by compassion, understanding, patience, and consistent, repeated, authentic care. For many, the rage stage hits 3-6 months after DDAY.

With that said, if it tips over into abuse for an extended period, then you need to calmly reassure him you love him and understand you caused the pain, but will not tolerate abuse. I will say for a few months after DDAY I was not myself. I called my WS names I have never uttered to anyone ever. It was like a demon took over. So some leeway in the early days may be needed.

Also, after a good day, we BS have a backlash of fear— did we let our guard down around the person who hurt us the most? Am I safe or did I just expose my soft underbelly and now I am in danger again. It’s not intentional, but our lizard brain is still in fight/flight mode. Time and consistency will help override that reaction. LOTS OF TIME.

Are you in IC? Is your BS?

dc,

A few more thoughts.

If your husband is reading anything, if he is talking to anybody, if he is thinking, or sensing; most of the feedback he is getting is that you have one foot out the door. So along with a bunch of other negative feelings, he is scared. Really, really scared.

Every time he comes home, his heart is in his throat until, Yes!, your car is in the driveway. Every time you go anywhere, his heart is in his throat; how long does it really take to go to the grocery store, or the salon. You’re going out with girlfriends? Really?

It’s a shitty way to live. Is he angry at you, resentful that you have done this to him? I suppose so.

Why does he get mad, and mean, sometimes and not others? Who knows. Maybe you were gone five minutes longer than he expected, and he panicked in those five minutes.

I live in the US, in what is known as a community property state (9 out of our 50 states). The idea in community property states is that when two people get married, they cease to be two people and become a single community. There is no longer "me and you", there is only "us."

It’s a holdover from Catholic Spain, and the states are mostly in the southwest, which Spain once controlled.

I like the concept very much.

Infidelity shatters "us." It wasn’t "us" in bed with the other man, it was only you. "Us" didn’t want this, plan it, agree to it. It was only you.

I suspect your husband is feeling the loss of "us" very much.

So, how do you help with his fear and the loss of "us"?

I wish I knew. My WW did nothing, and I can assure that is not the right answer.

Keep doing what you’re doing. But if you haven’t yet, focus on the future.

Are there holidays, or family events, coming up? Make plans for them now. Text everyone that "us" is coming.

Do what you can to show husband that he is in your future, that when you think about the future, it’s not "me and you"; it’s "us."

Every time he comes home, his heart is in his throat until, Yes!, your car is in the driveway. Every time you go anywhere, his heart is in his throat; how long does it really take to go to the grocery store, or the salon. You’re going out with girlfriends? Really?

This is exactly it. Formerpeopleperson nails it here. I'm years from any DDay, and R is going very well in the Land of Chaos - but OMG this. Still. All these years later. Not with the same frequency or intensity. But this nonetheless.

The roller coaster of emotions is real and it is Hell. He's feeling all the emotions at once and hits critical mass. It spews out. Shortly after DDay I saw a meme that says

"I don't know if I need a hug, an XL coffee, 6 shots of vodka or 2 weeks of sleep"

and I laughed and cried at the same time because YES - all at once.

You need to remain calm, loving and reassuring. AT ALL TIMES. Even if, and in some ways more so, when he is raging.

His reaction is normal. You are still very early on.

As a BS I will say gently - you shot him full of holes so you can't get angry he is bleeding nor can you tell him how to bleed. You can't get angry if that blood spills onto the new carpet. You can't tell him how or when to hurt. You can't decide when that would will close, if it should reopen and how that scar will heal. Nor can you decide if the injury will have phantom pain.

And - treading very lightly here - please be very careful to remain calm and loving in your response so he doesn't think you are just done but trying to make him the "bad guy" because you can't/won't deal with the consequences.

Some compare the loss to the death of a loved one.

Another good one from Formerpeopleperson but in a way IMHO it worse. Death is something at some point you expect. Infidelity is one thing you should be able to count on not to happen.

The marriage as you knew it is dead - killed by one of the partners who vowed to hold it sacred. A new one then needs to be built. And one has to trust the other who destroyed it to help rebuild. It a mind fuck.

It can be done. You will see many examples of what that looks like if you stick around. It takes a long time - I promise it can be worth it.

Keep posting.

Edited to get quotes in the right places

[This message edited by Chaos at 10:57 PM, Monday, March 24th]

...we will always have a few good days and then something small makes him...

Be careful dismissing a trigger as "small." There were times, for me, when one "small" trigger triggered a few other triggers until it felt like a machine gun of triggers. Don't underestimate just how hard and deeply infidelity hits most people. It takes time, a lot of time, just to recover from the shock. In those first several months after d-day, my emotions and thoughts were extremely difficult to process and control. It's a roller-coaster.

You want to help and tha's a good sign. Truth be told, however, you can only help. He's going to have to put himself back together on his own. That means you're going to need a lot of patience, empathy, and a shit-ton of resilience.

When he does this i try to say...

Stop. Nothing you say, beyond apologizing, is apt to do much good. By putting the focus on you, you're dismissing his pain and anguish.

When he attempts to disengage--aka telling you to stfu--give him his space. Allow him the freedom to disengage while offering to be receptive when he's ready to talk. Patience is a virtue.

And yes... this is all normal for anyone surviving infidelity. Unfortunately, that normal is anything but normal for the betrayed.

We had a really good MC to help us through the early days of reconciliation. His recommendation, which we adopted, was that my H stand strong and accept the ANGER, but that I needed to share my anger in a healthy manner. No abuse. No name-calling, no demeaning, no threats of leaving if you're committed to R, no physical intimidation like standing over you and screaming.

IMO, and this may not be a popular stance here at SI, is that you set a boundary and tell him that you will stand tall and accept his anger all day long, but you're not going to tolerate abuse.

I will say, that his anger and frustration is a measure of how much he cares about you, how much you mean to him.

IMO, the rage is always about ego and fear, not love. Rage is never loving. Rage is damaging. Anger is a healthy response. Rage is not. I definitely raged, but I tried to do it alone.

When he does this i try to say...

Stop. Nothing you say, beyond apologizing, is apt to do much good.

100% agree. Just apologize. Repeatedly.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:33 PM, Monday, March 24th]

And smile at him. A lot.

As uncomfortable as it is at the moment, it might be better than the alternatives, one of which is separation and not communicating with you. The second is your husband being detached and indifferent, which can suggest the betrayal was a deal-breaker, and he's at peace with moving on to the next chapter of his life.

I've seen spouses totally out of control with anger, and their anger doesn't seem to determine the outcome of their marriages regarding reconciliation or divorce. As stated previously, sustained patience should be your focus. By the way, when my wife is irate with me, I don't respond or defend myself if I have it coming.

I'm not meek or offensive. I just listen closely, nod periodically to show her I'm engaged, and answer questions evenly if asked. I think part of the healing process is allowing anger and emotion to run its course. As the betrayer, it will also help him determine your ability to be remorseful and regain the status of being a safe partner.