SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And it stinks. I met this super amazing guy, I was so excited about the development in our connection and what it could be. I opted to take it slow, something I really know I need and value. As I got to know him, I heard him say he’s still friends with his ex. Sure, ok, not a problem. Literally thought nothing of it.

Then I learned that they visit one another (they live in different states) and stay at one another’s homes, he stayed with her on Valentine’s Day as we were still talking and getting to know one another. I learn that she is the first person he shares news with about his life, and he wants her to come stay at his place soon to come visit…

I learn that they celebrate holidays together, that they were physically intimate not too many months ago, that they broke up and dated others but then got back together, that they talk every single day and are best friends, that he was nervous about telling her about me because he was concerned about how she may react to the news…

All of this told me that they’re not just friends, there’s so much more there….theyre still connected emotionally, still attached.

So I opted to break things off to protect and prioritize myself. And as much as I’m proud of myself for taking this step to show up for me, I’m so sad too…

This sucks.

Smart of you to recognize the 🚩🚩and realize this "super amazing guy" wasn’t what you were looking for.

At least he was honest with you.

The 1st wife,
Thank youuu. I feel like I need to get rid of the hopium as we call it here on SI. I’m so bummed about having to have stepped back. I’m totally lying to myself thinking maybe he’ll see things more clearly and place boundaries with his ex so that we could pursue things.

The reality is she’s his safe person and if he hasn’t let that go yet, he’s not going to now. And, sigh, honestly I don’t want to compete with her, or come second to her. I have to choose me, because no one else will. I have to protect me, because no one else will. I have to prioritize me, because no one else will.

On the flip side it’s sad to see that he’s losing on a relationship that could have been more of what he wants for himself so that he can accommodate a relationship he knows isn’t working…

*bangs head*

This all sucks.

Maise, you did the best thing you could there. After D we are all so vulnerable, that even "dating" can hurt our progress towards feeling great just as we are. That is especially the case when we meet other wounded people who say they want to start over, but they have such baggage as this man.

Soon as you see that kind of dance you are smart to bow out. I wish there was a way to fast forward to where we wanted to be. I wish you peace within yourself.

But look how well you protected your boundaries and how easily you saw the red flags. This is huge. I know it stinks and it hurts. But I am proud of you and am sure this was the right thing for your emotional health.

Hope you feel better soon and know that better days are ahead.

You did the best and healthiest thing for yourself even though it hurts. I'm sorry you had to end it but it was an appropriate response to his baggage. He still has a lot to learn about healthy boundaries and should have never started dating you in the first place.

Superesse, BearlyBreathing, crazyblindsided,

Thank you all so much for your support. I am proud of myself for removing myself instead of staying stuck in that situation. Something that people have said (including him) is, "oh, you’ve been through infidelity so that must be what’s coming up for you…" but honestly, I did so much work around recovering from infidelity that I genuinely don’t think that’s the bulk of it at all. I feel like it’s just flat out not comfortable and inappropriate and they’re 100% emotionally involved and attached. He’s not available for me.

Any suggestions on how to let go of the hopium?

Superesse, so true on the vulnerability being very present when dating after infidelity.

Crazyblindsided, I agree that he should not have started dating me at all if this was the dynamic he still had. I don’t know of a woman that *would* be ok with this type of setup.

Maise, I had 13 years after a D to be in the adult single world, and all the men I met during that time who weren't married and trying to hit on me (fail!) were invariably JUST out of a relationship. To the point where I used to think men went shopping for women like women shop for shoes...can't ever be without shoes, you know. Sheesh. And that was before internet dating!

It got so bad that my late father tried to console me by saying it wasn't my fault that at my age, all the good men were IN a marriage, therefore the market I was looking in consisted of "the marriage rejects!!!" Thanks, Dad.....!

But ya know, the older I get and look back at that time, the more I see my own part in it: In my mid-30's, I wasn't "too old to start over" so I was determined to keep "trying to get it right" and thus, I really was in a need-based search as I felt like I pretty much "needed" a boyfriend - if not a husband - to feel like I was "back where I used to be" and where all my peer group seemed to be! A high sex drive didn't help in this matter, either! All of that is what we have to conquer.

If I had that chapter to live over, I would work harder on developing my self-love and acceptance of my station in life without throwing myself 100% into my job as I did, then coming home to an empty house and feeling the absence of a personal life. I used to hate being quizzed like "what's a nice girl like you doing still single?" It isn't easy! Can anyone relate?

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:57 PM, Wednesday, March 12th]

  Moving to General

I think you're very wise in prioritizing your emotional safety. Brava! I don't think too many people would be comfortable with a fresh ex who's still the bestie and who was so recently intimate. Ten bucks says they get back together.

My daughter's in-laws have a weird set-up. Jane and John were married. John cheated with Mary, and left Jane to marry Mary. Not only are they friends now, but Jane goes on vacations with them and is included in all the family gatherings. It's so weird. John is a real asshole, so maybe Jane was grateful to Mary for taking him off her hands.

Superesse, lol @ the comment about men shopping for women like women shop for shoes. So sad though! Ugh!

Omg to your dad’s comment!! Oh noooooo *face palm*

Oof. I can relate to the hardships of dating for sure. And to the work on self love and acceptance helping the dating journey become a lot easier to maneuver due to new found self worth. I had to tell myself, "it’s a needle in a haystack" to feel better when I would get discouraged. It’s actually part of what super stinks about having to say bye to this guy, he was so great…if it weren’t for entertaining the ex like he does. Sigh.

I was talking to my supervisor today and she was expressing how she’s very convinced guys her age all lie, I was like, "no! Don’t settle, honest guys exist, I promise!"

I’ll be getting back out there soon…begrudgingly!

SacredSoul33, thank you so much for your support. I took some time to journal last night and have been listening to one of my journal entries on repeat all day in an attempt to soothe bc I’m so sad about it!

The dynamic between your daughters in law is definitely different! I know I wasn’t able to befriend the AP in my situation by a long shot! Maybe it is as you say and she’s happy she took him off her hands

One thing that I've done is to not pressure myself with saying. I tell people who ask that I'm dating myself. Seems a little silly, but it really means that I'm out & about doing what I enjoy. If I find somebody that fits in my lifestyle, that's great. If not, I don't mind being alone. (I like being alone and have to work on not isolating.)

One great discovery SI helped me make was how many members of our sad society here happen to be husbands. Reading here has convinced me my father had to have been over-generalizing about the subject, probably in an attempt to make me feel "less bad" after one of my "boyfriend breakups." Although it had the opposite effect! Now if only I'd had better insight about choosing a partner....

Hi Maise, god to "see" you old friend!

Good for you!

Not only is he still emotionally connected to her he has a track record of being messy it sounds like. chaotic blurred lines.

Sometimes we are also rewarded for making space for the kind of love we do want. And in this time and place, he ain’t it.

One of my best friends met a man that still had ties to his ex. Well, my friend did what you did told him this wasn’t going to work for her and said goodbye. He decided to fix his boundaries with the ex, he came back and they had a year long relationship that never felt right to me. It wasn’t so much him, I only met him a few times, and they seem to share the same passions. But she just never seemed that am excited about him. Always seemed to have one foot out the door, but she never elaborated.

He was just so codependent, and it was suffocating to her. I feel like he was the type that could never be on his own so he held onto his ex for comfort until he found someone else. That in itself said he had a lot of healing to do. And upon breaking up he told her all his grievances and then tried to hang on to her the same as he did with his other ex. Not as his girlfriend but as his comfort person, sometimes sex person. Luckily my friend could see that and ended their "friendship".

Sometimes we get these false starts and turn around and find the person that space was meant for. Until then it sounds like the person it’s meant for is you - keeping loving and enjoying yourself. Like attracts like! You need someone who is secure in themselves and loves themselves!

leafields, I love that! I think it’s important for us to learn to "date ourselves".

Superesse I can see how maybe he was trying to offer support and it landed wrong, I totally heard it how you did, too!

hikingout! Good to hear from you! How are you? Thank you so much for your support. I deeply appreciate it. It’s so hard to learn how to go out of your comfort zone and learn to communicate for yourself differently. I was very proud of myself for having done that despite how hard it was. It brought about results I couldn’t have imagined too.

It is OK to be sad after doing the right thing.

Good for YOU for seeing all those red flags and acting on them. That is strength and wisdom right there.

Chaos thank you so much for the support and encouragement! ♥️