SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Two weeks ago I found out that my wife of nearly 23 years carried on an affair with a coworker for over six years. It ended over six years ago, but having been lied to for over 13 years - more than half our marriage - is not sitting well with me.

Back story. We met young. First day of college in 1997. We were in love immediately. Married in 2002 and at first everything was amazing. We were young, but in love. We got pregnant our first year married and things changed a lot. It was hard at times, especially financially.

Over the years, especially the past 12-15, I have felt unwanted by her. I wasn't always perfect, but I tried. When I would open up to her, she made my feelings feel invalidated. Many arguments were about how she was mean, how she treated me like her employees. Physically, it was non existent. She never seemed interested, never initiated. The rare (and I mean REALLY rare) occasion it happened it was usually pity sex and she wanted me to get it over with quickly. This was upsetting, but in the moment I took what I could get. And it wasn't just sex. Kissing her never happened. She just had no interest in anything with me

When I found out about the affair, I found out my wife REALLY enjoys sex. She would run to his house during lunch, would tell me she had to work late so she could stop at his house on the way home. They fooled around at work, in their offices, in their cars, whenever they could get it. I have since found out that they would make a point to get together immediately before and after one would be gone on vacation. As if they would miss each other. She went out of her way to see him the day before we left for our 17th anniversary trip. She kissed him in ways I hadn't experienced in over 15 years, and did things sexually with him she's never been willing to do with me.

Since finding out, she's admitted to me that she was wrong. She says she was looking for attention and he must have given it to her. But I tried. Damnit, I sure tried. She has told me that towards the end she was trying to avoid moments with him, because she wanted it to end. But I have the receipts. There was like a "last hurrah" towards the end of 2019 where it happened a lot. She even lied about having to stay late at work on her 40th birthday so she could sleep with him. The relationship really only ended because they were all went remote when COVID hit.

I had been through the gauntlet with emotions. I have blamed myself for not being the husband she needed. I have told her I want her gone. I have also told her I love her and I want to fix this. To make matters worse, due to work trips (different job now), she's been home for only two nights since I was made aware. She was on the road when I found out, came home a week later then left again right away for another trip and won't be back home until the end of the week.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here. Not sure what I want from this forum. Just a place to vent, perhaps? I have told her I'm willing to work on this, but do I really believe this? Because the messaging (lewds/nudes) started back in 2012, I've essentially lost 13 years of my marriage that I'll never get back. How do I move past that.

Thanks for reading.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 6:42 AM, Wednesday, March 5th]

[This message edited by Jaymacd000 at 10:33 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

The name of this forum is surviving infidelity. You will be the only one who can decide how.

It appears from your writing that she holds you in contempt. I might be wrong but it looks like it has dealt badly with your sense of self. I suggest a therapist who dealt with cheating and the trauma it brings. Be very specific when asking for their credentials.

You have taken the equivalent of body slams over and over. If this is affecting you to the point you are not sleeping, have a poor appetite or feel constant anxiety I recommend you see your dr for temporary meds to calm your stress levels down.

I hope you have talked to a lawyer about things. It does not mean you are making a decision. It means you are looking at your choices. Just gathering info.

Take care of your health. It is the most important thing in your life.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:38 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

It has absolutely impacted my sleep and my eating. I lost 10 pounds in a week as a result. Didn't eat for almost 80 hours after first finding out. I'm doing slightly better in that regard now.

I've spoken "unofficially" to a lawyer. My wife is unaware of this right now. She has said she recognizes this marriage may end because of her and doesn't intend to fight things. Heck, she said she'd still contribute to the house bills while not living at home. But I know that's not sustainable.

A detail I left out. I was told by the guy (I found out from his fiance and he has since told me EVERYTHING) that she used to talk bad about me constantly. Almost as if she was using her opinion about me to justify her actions. She told this guy she loved him repeatedly, although he never said it back. My wife has said this indeed happened, but didn't actually feel that way. But did say there was a time where she wasn't in love with me the way a wife should be with her husband. That was hard to deal with.

Appreciate the reply.

Sorry you find yourself here.

This site has an excellent Healing Library. You will find the tab to it at the top of this page. It has some excellent articles written by those who themselves were betrayed.

Also, this site has a forum entitled "I Can Relate". One section of that forum is called "For Those Who Found Out Years Later". There you will find posts by those who found themselves in your shoes.

She will probably think you should "just get over it because it happened years ago". Maybe for her, but surely not for you. For you this happened 5 minutes ago. You "Just Found Out" and she has to deal with that.

Cooley2here suggest finding a counselor who treats infidelity aftermaths and I agree wholeheartedly.

She also suggests speaking to a lawyer to get counsel on your legal rights. You need that information in order to make any sort of rational decision. As the old saying goes, "Knowledge is Power".

Also, a book for you. Your world has been destroyed and you should be aware of what is happening to you between your ears... inside your head. That book is titled "Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does To The Victim". This book will describe for you all the negative emotions you are experiencing... where they come from and how to handle them.

I have blamed myself for not being the husband she needed.

What has happened to you is injustice. She is 100% to blame for her cheating on you. There is nothing you ever did which caused her to betray her marriage vows. You did not cheat. The marriage itself did not cheat. She is the one who cheated... no one else or nothing else. There is no way you will ever find justice for this situation.

Again, sorry you are here. Good luck to you.

Really sorry you are in this place. I hope you can receive the collective wisdom that’s available here and identify a plan of action to either divorce or reconcile in a way where she owns 100 percent of the affair and then you address how to build a better marriage.

Your experience within the marriage for so many years seems much like mine. My wife I believe had lot of repressed anger, bitterness and unforgiveness from things early on in our marriage that expressed itself in the kind of coldness, bitterness and disrespect like yours that eventually lead to her decision to commit adultery. She had a choice - haul us into counseling to address our issues, take the kids and leave for her parents as an ultimatum to show she needed us to fix things - instead she chose the most selfishness, destructive path of all.

You didn’t deserve this - no one ever does. Adultery is evil.

Praying you find a true path of healing and wholeness and peace.

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine, and to many others here. We half joke around here that for as similar as our stories often are that our wayward spouses must be reading from some cheaters handbook. The bad news is it’s truly horrific what you have been thru and what is in front of you for a while. The good news is you’ve found a bunch of people who have walked it, understand your pain, and will offer our best advice to try to alleviate your pain and improve your life.

I got a lot out of posting here frequently in the aftermath. I hope you also make good use of this great resource.

My first bit of advice would be to resist the temptation to lend trust to her. I trusted my own WW (wayward wife) far too much after d-day. I’d spent 20 years trusting her completely, after all. I wanted to believe it was all a big mistake on her part that we could bounce back from. I failed to treat the affair for what it really was: long sustained intentional intimate treachery. Don’t trust her words. Only her actions matter right now.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:50 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

I just wanted to send you huge hugs and love so sorry this has happened to you. I'm new but this forum and website is extremely helpful.

I hope you are OK

She was done with you a long time ago.

Why has she stayed? Kids, finances, religion, social pressure, fear of being alone? Who knows. But it doesn’t sound like love.

Now that her cheating is out in the open, things will change. For the better? Probably not.

You will never see her the same. Without massive effort on her part, you will never believe she loves you or cares much about you. Any sign of that effort? You’re going to live on pins and needles, worried she’ll do it again.

Now that she knows you know, she may feel guilt and shame every time she sees you.

I recommend you move on. I know it’s hard. It’s so hard I couldn’t do it. But I should have.

Welcome to SI and so sorry for your pain. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that have some good information. There are some posts that aren't pinned and have bull's eye icons that also are really great. I suggest reading the ones about recovering before deciding to reconcile. The recovery part is so very important. As mentioned, the Healing Library at the top of the site has a lot of great information.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. If you're having problems with sleeping or depression, ask your doctor for some meds. You may also want to be tested for STDs/STIs as there are some really bad diseases running around out there.

Your WW (wayward wife) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald to help you in your healing process. Another good resource is the book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She also should be in IC to begin working on how to become a safe partner.

Sorry that you're here.

Welcome to SI. Please take care of you. As you ride an emotional rollercoaster understand that nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to cheat. Your WW has serious issues. Most important for you right now is to heal and find strength within yourself. A good IC trained in betrayal trauma can help. You have been through an extended abusive relationship. Figure out what you want moving forward. Remember you are the prize. You deserve a loving and committed partner. Good luck.

I appreciate all of these replies. I'm working my way through some of the posts that have been mentioned.

I should add an important detail. I've already expressed my desire to reconcile. Do I really want this? I think so, but sometimes I want her gone forever. But I've repeatedly told her I still love her. One bonus to all of this is she's been more open with me, and willing to listen to what I have to say. I've told her how I've felt for years, things I tried telling her in the past that she wasn't willing to hear, and she recognizes her mistakes in this regard. If I'm being honest, she was mean to me. A lot. Made me feel inadequate, criticized the little things I did "wrong" rather than acknowledge the good things. This has always hurt me.

She's saying all the right things. But is it because she means it, or because she's trying to keep me from leaving her? She grew up in a very conservative, religious household, so if family find out what she did it'll be very difficult. Some will even cut her out of their lives.

I made the mistake of being intimate with her when she first returned from her work trip. Right before she left for another. I don't even know if mistake is the right word here. But she said all the things I've wanted to hear for years, and even showed interest in me sexually. In the moment it was wonderful. After, it felt like I was being manipulated. And if she actually wants that from me, why didn't she want that all those years? Even after things ended she was seldom interested in being intimate. Part of me loves the attention, part of me fears she's overcompensating and going above and beyond as a tactic to keep me around. I'm torn.

I've already spoken to a professional. She says she's planning on the same thing when she returns from work. And we would like couples therapy as well.

Sorry you are facing this terrible betrayal. Revelation of prolonged marital treason is as traumatic as it gets.

There is so much here to deal with but my first question is why? Not why did she cheat, but why would you subject yourself to her denegrating treatment for years? It speaks to me of a large defecit in self-worth/confidence.

To that end, please read:

• No More Mr Nice Guy

• The Way of The Superior Man

• Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life

You need to be in IC for a number of reasons, those listed above and for infidelity induced trauma recovery. I also think there may be serious family of origins issues to deal with.

I personally believe she is not a safe partner to attempt to R with and the bigger question is, beyond "time -in position (23 years)", why would you want to under these circumstances?

Take a considerable amount of time to work through this. You need objective input that is not from her to help you reach clarity.

My advice? Life is too short to live as your have for over two decades. You deserve far, far better.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:52 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]

I don't want to tell you how to live your life... but six years. She deceived you and treated you like garbage while letting another guy plow her for six years. That's 2,190 days where she talked badly about you. That's 52,560 hours that she kept you in the dark about the true state of your marriage. That's 3,153,600 minutes where you thought you had a partner that maybe was just going through something, so you supported her as a partner should.

Think of how long it takes to watch a sitcom (30 minutes). That's 105,120 episodes. If a season is typically about 10 episodes, that's 10,512 seasons of sitcoms where your wife was keeping you in second place.

I think that's unforgivable on any level. My wife had ONE DAY of a mistake, and that's taken me three years to get over. I still think about it every single day. I don't know you'll be able to unless you're the world's greatest at compartmentalization.

Even after things ended she was seldom interested in being intimate. Part of me loves the attention, part of me fears she's overcompensating and going above and beyond as a tactic to keep me around. I'm torn.

I think you are spot on here with your fear. Had she ended the affair, realized the tremendous damage she caused, then set about trying to make things right, it would be a different story. A truly remorseful spouse would have confessed, but this unfortunately doesn’t always happen. Short of that, if she really loved you, she would have tried to makeup for what she did by being a loving wife. She did nothing. Only when caught did she try to save what was left of her reputation and lifestyle.

She has said she recognizes this marriage may end because of her and doesn't intend to fight things.

This is also telling. My EX did anything and everything to try to save the marriage. This feels like she doesn’t really care.

Over the years, especially the past 12-15, I have felt unwanted by her. I wasn't always perfect, but I tried. When I would open up to her, she made my feelings feel invalidated. Many arguments were about how she was mean, how she treated me like her employees. Physically, it was non existent. She never seemed interested, never initiated. The rare (and I mean REALLY rare) occasion it happened it was usually pity sex and she wanted me to get it over with quickly. This was upsetting, but in the moment I took what I could get. And it wasn't just sex. Kissing her never happened. She just had no interest in anything with me

So for the past 13 or 14 years she has treated you like crap. You repeatedly say how much you love her, yet this treatment has been going on well over a decade. Do you love this person, or the person she was when you married? I get how a spouse could love a WS who turns into a monster for a few months, or even a year. I don’t get how you can love a person who did this for so long. You need to examine if it’s her you love, or is it the fear of leaving that is holding you back.

Lastly, why didn’t she cancel her trip? What was so important than comforting you after finding this hideous betrayal.

Jaymac,
You have gotten great advice. First - take care of you

1) eat healthy, drink water, avoid alcohol/drugs, get daily exercise and sleep. See your doctor if having anxiety or trouble sleeping. many of us needed help temporarily to get through those first weeks/months. Drink protein shakes if you are having trouble with food. The infidelity diet is real.

2) Get full panel STD testing. She has endangered your life and may haves given you diseases that you can inadvertently pass on. If you have sex with her, use protection. The last thing you need is an STD or pregnancy. Also, look up hysterical bonding— totally normal reaction.

3) Don’t share that you saw a lawyer, and go see two more. Find the sharkiest sharks. Once they meet with you, she cant hire them. Knowledge is power and you need to know what any possible outcome might look like.

4) Review your finances. Has she been spending marital funds on her AP? Make sure she can’t clear out an account or anything.

5) Who do you have IRL to talk to ? A trauma-trained therapist (IC) can be very helpful— this really is a trauma to your system. Other IRL outlets can help - someone who will support you no matter what. Bestie, sibling, parent, pastor?

6) Do not accept ANY blame for her cheating. Maybe you could have been a better spouse- we are all flawed. So you can share in the marital issues. But the decision- not mistake but decision and choice - to cheat is 100% on her. She had other options- talk with you, insist on marriage counseling, separation, even divorce. But she CHOSE to cheat. 100% on her. And she made that choice to lie and betray thousands and thousands of times over the last 13 years.

Lastly, don’t listen to her words. Watch her actions. Words are cheap. Actions- consistent actions over a LLLOOONNGGG time is how she can start to regain trust. Is she researching ways to help you? Is she getting IC to find out why she cheated and betrayed you? Is she changing her job so she can be at home to deal with the nuclear bomb she set off in your marriage?

And you can want to reconcile - most of us wanted to initially. But it takes two, and both need to be 10000% committed. So far she sounds like she is still going back business as usual. Recovery first, then think about reconciling. Maybe she will have started to do the work to become a remorseful, empathetic decent spouse. But that takes time.

So sorry you had to find us- but lots of support (sometimes tough love) and wisdom here. We all survived, whether we R’d or D’D, and so will you.

Oh man, this is a horrible story. In my opinion you need to start caring about yourself. Your wife is a piece of work, she doesn't like you nor care about you in the slightest. She's your enemy and your marriage has been over for a long time (her actions show that). She has wasted decades of your time (which you can't get back) in this sham of a marriage, it's time for you to treat her like the tumor that she is and find a good woman that will treat you right. There are 4 billion women out there, you will actually struggle to find one worse than your hopefully STBXW. Best of luck, sir.

I do not see this WW being a good candidate for recovery.

Best to divorce her.

Her actions are what you should be focusing on.

Here is what I noticed:

Dday for you - she doesn’t come home immediately. 🚩🚩🚩

To make matters worse, due to work trips (different job now), she's been home for only two nights since I was made aware. She was on the road when I found out, came home a week later then left again right away

She blames you for the affair. 🚩. (Typical cheater behavior btw)

She bad mouthed you for years to the OM. Maybe as a way to justify the affair but maybe she meant some of what she said. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but I would hate to see you pour your heart and soul into reconciling with someone who doesn’t deserve it and appears to tolerate you.

I would suggest counseling just for you. Not marriage or couples counseling. But someone to support you through this trauma and nightmare and help you to make the best choice on how to move forward.

PS. Based in experience I can tell you that your wife should be bending over backwards to make amends. After dday1 my H did NOTHING. Still blamed me for his affair and his unhappiness. When I finally decided I had enough (at dday2) and I planned to D him, he KNEW he wanted to Reconcile and he had to convince me he was worth a second chance. Night and day difference in his behavior.

Basically your wife is not really stepping up to the plate in that way, based on what you wrote.

My Friend...our hearts ache with you. We know your pain and confusion. It is like an alternate reality. Please know that this has literally changed your brain. The trauma is deep. Please look up Jake Porter on YouTube, he has some excellent short videos that will help you understand.

Please here me....she should literally be moving heaven and earth to make this work...but she is rather indifferent.

Friend....get your support system. You really must confide in your family. This was not a short error of judgment. You need your people. Don't neglect their support to you...for her "fake" reputation.

There is a woman out there who will truly love you. And, above all this...seek God's guidance and comfort. He helped me survive. You are loved.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 10:20 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

Double post. Wonder why he left. Hope he is OK.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 1:24 AM, Wednesday, March 5th]