Lied to for 13 years
Two weeks ago I found out that my wife of nearly 23 years carried on an affair with a coworker for over six years. It ended over six years ago, but having been lied to for over 13 years - more than half our marriage - is not sitting well with me.
Back story. We met young. First day of college in 1997. We were in love immediately. Married in 2002 and at first everything was amazing. We were young, but in love. We got pregnant our first year married and things changed a lot. It was hard at times, especially financially.
Over the years, especially the past 12-15, I have felt unwanted by her. I wasn't always perfect, but I tried. When I would open up to her, she made my feelings feel invalidated. Many arguments were about how she was mean, how she treated me like her employees. Physically, it was non existent. She never seemed interested, never initiated. The rare (and I mean REALLY rare) occasion it happened it was usually pity sex and she wanted me to get it over with quickly. This was upsetting, but in the moment I took what I could get. And it wasn't just sex. Kissing her never happened. She just had no interest in anything with me
When I found out about the affair, I found out my wife REALLY enjoys sex. She would run to his house during lunch, would tell me she had to work late so she could stop at his house on the way home. They fooled around at work, in their offices, in their cars, whenever they could get it. I have since found out that they would make a point to get together immediately before and after one would be gone on vacation. As if they would miss each other. She went out of her way to see him the day before we left for our 17th anniversary trip. She kissed him in ways I hadn't experienced in over 15 years, and did things sexually with him she's never been willing to do with me.
Since finding out, she's admitted to me that she was wrong. She says she was looking for attention and he must have given it to her. But I tried. Damnit, I sure tried. She has told me that towards the end she was trying to avoid moments with him, because she wanted it to end. But I have the receipts. There was like a "last hurrah" towards the end of 2019 where it happened a lot. She even lied about having to stay late at work on her 40th birthday so she could sleep with him. The relationship really only ended because they were all went remote when COVID hit.
I had been through the gauntlet with emotions. I have blamed myself for not being the husband she needed. I have told her I want her gone. I have also told her I love her and I want to fix this. To make matters worse, due to work trips (different job now), she's been home for only two nights since I was made aware. She was on the road when I found out, came home a week later then left again right away for another trip and won't be back home until the end of the week.
I'm not sure why I'm posting here. Not sure what I want from this forum. Just a place to vent, perhaps? I have told her I'm willing to work on this, but do I really believe this? Because the messaging (lewds/nudes) started back in 2012, I've essentially lost 13 years of my marriage that I'll never get back. How do I move past that.
Thanks for reading.
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20 comments posted: Wednesday, March 5th, 2025
