SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I need opinions and don't really have anyone I could ask in real life. My H cheated on me 5 years ago. We have since reconciled. At first, it was an emotional Rollercoaster but as the years pass it's starting to fade from something that I think about frequently. In that 5 years, my H has worked really hard. We have phone locators on our phones. He's been present every day, always answers his phone and just has been trying really hard. I drop in on him at work and its always been fine. Which leads me to my question. Over the last week or so, I've been getting little gut feelings. Nothing I can put my finger on but just a feeling of something is off. While I was thinking about it, I remembered that he had a second phone thru his cell provider. He owns a business and has an iPad etc linked to the account. He told me it was cheaper to have the phone with an active number. Except I never see this phone. It's not in the house. So I searched one of his vehicles and found it in the center counsel off, but with an 89% charge. I quickly checked text messages and didn't find anything alarming. When he saw me sitting in his truck he came over to talk to me and I just went nuts. I think the trauma of five years ago came crashing back. He grabbed the phone out of my hands and threw it in the woods. When I went to retrieve it he ran and grabbed it. Later, I signed into his cell provider account (he doesn't know i have access) and this phone hasn't been used for data or phone calls or texts in at least 5 months. I can see his primary cell and his phone call and texts are routine as well. My question is- why keep a phone in your truck and charged if you're not using it? Thank you!

Grabbing the phone and throwing it in the woods is a HUGE red flag. I'm sorry but he's hiding something big. Always trust your gut.
Good luck.

He wouldn’t have freaked out and threw his phone in the woods if he had nothing to hide. He also wouldn’t have made the effort to get it back before you got to it, either.

If there weren’t any messages or phone calls, then he might be communicating with encrypted apps. He might also have a secret email or social media account linked to that device.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:13 PM, Sunday, October 27th]

I would also like to say-when i freaked out on him i canceled our plans that night to go to a Halloween party that we both had been looking forward to and he had been working on his costume for a while. Not sure if that matters. That's why I need strangers' clarity. Thank you.

One of the things I beat myself up for from time to time is ignoring my gut. I felt something was off but excused it away in my mind. Keep digging. Apps can be used on WiFi without using data. If it’s an iPhone, iMessages also don’t appear on the bill as texts (at least for me). His behavior with the phone is all kinds of alarming. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

When I was suspicious I checked our Verizon account to see if she was texting with an unknown number on a regular basis, found nothing, and was about to let it go but my spidey sense was tingling so I checked her tablet.

And there it was. She was sexting with a coworker. After a while of mental chaos I became curious as to why I didn't see his number on the Verizon account. After some research I learned that when people text apple to apple the texts go thru apples servers, not your cell carrier so VERY easy to hide an affair.

I don't know if my wife knew this (I have my suspicions) but had I not checked her tablet I would still would be in the dark and the affair would have been gaining almost seven months of momentum.

Your husband throwing the phone? Sounds very suspicious but it could have been a momentary lapse of judgement.

There are so many apps these days that make it so easy for people to hide affairs

He’s up to something that he doesn’t want you to see. That’s crystal clear. Anything hidden at this point would be a dealbreaker for me.

Google how to check the battery usage by app. It might shed some light on what he’s doing with that phone.

No text or calls... What about data?

Could just be on apps like Whatsapp, telegram,messenger, dating apps, etc. etc.

He grabbed the phone out of my hands and threw it in the woods. When I went to retrieve it he ran and grabbed it.

I don't know if they make a red flag big enough for this.

Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. He's hiding something. And from his reaction it pretty big.

As a WS with nothing to hide, I can't think of anything innocuous that would make me behave that way. The one time my BH wanted to know something about my phone was when I had recently deleted WhatsApp. (I had only installed it at the school's request to participate in group chats about a foreign exchange trip, and the trip was over.) All I felt was empathy for his pain and guilt that my actions had put him in that mindset. We'd have had serious problems if I had gone on the offensive.

Where is that phone now? I would definitely do a deep dive into the records, the phone and the iPad. His reaction by throwing the phone into the woods is very telling.

What has happened since this interaction. Does he still have the phone. If you had said he threw the phone down on the ground I would have said he was lacking in empathy, defensive, avoidant…but possibly not cheating. Just behaving like a child who doesn’t understand how long it takes to heal. Maybe not someone you want to recover with, but that Is a different question. Did he really throw it like into the woods? In an effort to get it away from you? That would be worrisome. If he was just having an immature fit I would expect him to calm down and then be able to say to you, « I’m sorry, I was upset that you still don’t trust me and I acted out. Here’s the phone. You can keep it forever or take it to an IT person to determine its contents, blah blah blah… »

So what did he do after the fact?

Do you remember that time you saw someone pick up your phone, so you grabbed it and threw it? Because you dont do crap like that...No, I cannot think of any explanation that isn't super sketchy. By throwing his phone,he has forced into the role of relationship warden. Is that what you want.

When I went to retrieve it he ran and grabbed it.

Huge red flag. I can just about justify throwing it in the woods in the first place if perhaps he felt frustrated and lost his calm, but I would also expect my WH to then help me retrieve it so I can see there’s nothing weird about it and apologise for his reaction.

If you connect a phone to WiFi it isn’t using any mobile contract data or minutes. What I mean by that is that for example, if it is an iPhone, when I connect my phone to WiFi any imessage does not come out of my data allowance.

Additionally, he could install and delete apps to communicate via WiFi (for example Snapchat or WhatsApp), again this would not appear anywhere as data usage is via WiFi network rather than mobile data. He could also have a hidden sim you don’t know about on a separate pay plan, or a pay as you go? (In Europe I can buy a sim, use the data, throw it away once done and buy another sim. No tracking, no names, no cards if you pay in cash).

If not using it, why is it charged and kept in the car?

I think his reaction was out of proportion for an innocent man. I think you know the answer to your question, sorry. 😞

[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:36 PM, Tuesday, October 29th]

I would suspect he has a secret hidden app or porn pics or SOMETHING he knows you would not be happy to see.

He’s not cheating with phone calls or texts or things that are traceable.

Why didn’t he volunteer to put a locator on his other devices like phone or tablet etc.?

Because he’s shady. Don’t trust him — trust your gut or intuition.

Sorry you are going through this. Don’t forget to check for apps that lock or hide photos - like the vault app.

In the JFO forum, we often say, "Don't listen to their words, watch their actions." What are his actions telling you?

If he's on wifi, it won't show data usage. I'd check all the apps he has installed. Actually, no I wouldn't. His behavior would be grounds for immediately filing for divorce. I refuse to be the marriage police ever again, just ask my ex. But that's me and you have to do what's right for your marriage.