SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have lurked for years but only posted once. I have always been grateful for the collective wisdom on this site.

I apologize in advance for the length of my post and hope it’s on the appropriate forum. My wife and I have been married for over 18 years, we are partners, lovers and best friends. I could not be happier in my marriage. We have 3 rules: neither of us has drinks with the opposite sex unless our spouse is with us, we never dance with anyone but each other, we do not complain about each other to a member of the opposite sex.

This weekend my wife and I attended her high school reunion. It is a very close tight knit community, most have remained there for generations, I am an outsider so I have never been accepted. Only 35 in the graduating class so even with spouses less than 70 people. A facility was rented out and the event catered. It was BYOB. My wife brought a 750 ml bottle of vodka. As soon as we arrived she began to consume heavily. I abstained. It did not take long and she became very tipsy. The event lasted four hours. Although she did have a great time with her girlfriends, whom I met it was her behavior with the men in her class that concerned me.

Throughout the evening she kept trying to get different men to hold hands with her, or when the photographer would take her photos with them she would put her arm around their backs and put her hand under their shirt and rub their back, she would do it subtly but I could see it. As music played she continued to try and get them to dance with her. She is very attractive, I was appalled (she was wearing tight jeans) when she began to ask various men if her ass looked better than other classmates. The entire time she just left me in the corner by myself, as I did not know anyone.

I finally had enough and said we are leaving. When we got home I saw she had consumed around 3/4 of the bottle. The next morning I confronted her, she says she has very little recollection, when I explained the details of her interactions she says she is completely shocked and ashamed. I told her that I was completely immasculated and very hurt, I don’t even know if I can trust her and that has never been the case.

She is extremely attractive but she’s also very much an introvert so the behavior to this level was just bizarre, the men were not even attractive and it did not even matter which man she was with.

My concerns are how to move forward? I realize rug sweeping is not an option. Although she blames the alcohol but what does that mean? If it was just lowering her inhibitions does that mean this is really how she feels and what she would like to be doing?
Any guidance is appreciated

Has your wife cheated on you in the past? You say you have a great marriage. What has you lurking here?

Found the website as a result of recovering from a previous marriage.

So your current wife has not cheated on you, that you know of, outside of the behavior you are here asking about, correct?

Correct

Thanks for the clarifications.

I take it from what you have and haven’t said that she’s never behaved like this before, to your knowledge.

She clearly broke your stated rules. She clearly was highly inappropriate regardless of stated rules. She knows (I assume) that you have a history with infidelity.

What does she have to say for herself?

Sorry you find yourself here. Please read in the healing library and pinned posts. If you have been lurking you know that there are many here to give you great insights and advice.

Your W’s behavior you describe is certainly hurtful and inappropriate. Being drunk is no excuse. Is this a pattern for her when socializing? I understand your vulnerability from your previous post relating how your previous W blindsided and abandoned you with cheating and financial infidelity twenty three years ago. A truly traumatic experience. In 2023 you described your current M to the most beautiful and loving woman for 17 years, and you have never been happier. So her most recent inappropriate behavior appears to be an aberration? You need to decide your boundaries. It seems like she went to the reunion intent on drinking per your description. Discuss whether her drinking is an issue that needs to be addressed. She needs to look deep to see why she would act so inappropriately with other men. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:29 AM, Tuesday, October 8th]

Ah,
You read my original post. Yes we are partners on everything, no one could take better care of me, and I of her. I agree alcohol is no excuse, she seems devastated re once I explained what had transpired. I agree she was intent on getting hammered. But absolutely this is an aberration, I guess my real question is does inebriation reveal someone’s true desires or does it simply cloud judgement to make poor decisions? I honestly do not know, she has promised to not drink at events, and maybe not even at all. Im grateful for that, she’s wanting to read How to help your spouse heal, many of the things recommended on here. I guess I’m just feeling a bit rattled wondering if alcohol reveled what she really desires inside.

In Vino Veritas

???

Seems something missing in your posts regarding her relation to alcohol.

Some drink because the like the taste (Tennessee Whiskey, Scotch) - Vodka. just to get a buzz

Seems that was her goal and I would ask you find out what her reason is or was for consuming that much Vodka.

Maybe there is some ghost(s) in her past and they came to light (manner of speaking) due to the environment of the class reunion.

I would not let this incident rest until what is going on in the back of her brain.

People have reasons for their behavior. You need to find out what her experiences in school were. Was she often left out or left behind. HS is a mine field because the perky outgoing girls and athletes are often the popular ones. Did your wife need to be "seen" at the reunion. I see this as her giving herself false courage to get through the party.
You have experience with a cheating spouse and it has left you with scars. This behavior triggered you. In order for this not to consume you have her tell you about school. There was something there that pushed your wife right over the edge. I guessing hidden envy of other girls when she was left out as a teen.

She's a grown woman.

I think you're struggling with coming up with an excuse for what you saw SOBER...with your own eyes.

She knew what she wanted to do that night and that is have her version of letting lose, so she came prepared and executed.

You're asking a room full of strangers about a woman you know best, so you tell us what you really think?

She's your wife

Gray

Just be warned – You will get the posts telling you to rush out and buy the stake, some gas, tar, and kindling and burn the witch. Some might even offer to ship you a Zippo...

I hate defining something as infidelity without it being totally clear. That is – what she did IS a form of infidelity in the sense she’s not being faithful to the boundaries you both set in your relationship. But I don’t really see the "infidelity" of the type and level we normally deal with here. There are some questions before I would totally eliminate or dismiss it.

Is this normal for her? Both the behavior and the level of inebriation? If you pick her up after a girls night out, is she this drunk, slurring her words, falling asleep on the drive home and so on? What about when you entertain or visit? Is she inclined to drink, and when she does do you feel some sense of foreboding or fear about how she might be?
Or is this a total aberration?

What I do know is that reunions like high school reunions can be quite stressful events – even if that’s positive stress – fun and expectation stress.
You are constantly comparing yourself to the others: Who gained weight, who has the most cash, the most interesting career, the nicest car, the best body... Am I still the main man, the jock, am I still the hot chick everyone wanted to date... We tend to slip back in years into our old roles.

We also tend to start drinking like we did back in the days. My last reunion saw me downing Campari’s and Soda’s by the pints and Ouzo shots simply because that’s what me and my gang got hammered on as young adults. Was thinking next day that I couldn’t recall Ouzo giving me the shits back in my youth though...

I also know the excitement and stress of going can disrupt sleep, you might eat less to fit one size smaller or whatever. Factors that might you react differently to your "normal" alcohol intake.

Not excusing her behavior – not saying that anything she did was OK. But if this is a one-off... well... I guess you could divorce, tell the kids, and try to leave her desolate and broke. But... I think you can also maybe make this a learning experience for the both of you. Based on the context of your post, then this is probably the way to go.

For one I would make it very clear – preferably sitting together and in a calm voice – how hurt you are. How disrespectful this was to you – her HUSBAND. How you feel betrayed that when the two of you go out to enjoy yourself YOU are ignored and offered a front-seat view of her flirting with other men.
I would also make it clear to her that odds are high that SHE is the main source of gossip and chatter amongst the group. How other wives are probably talking about how she wantonly harassed their men, and the men gossiping about how they had to keep her hands off them. By her actions she has shamed herself in that group.

IMHO you want her to feel bad. To feel like she made a total fool and disgrace of herself. She has to recognize the problem, the seriousness of what she did and the risk she took.

You might also want to make it clear to her that if you aren’t enough – enough fun, enough excitement or whatever – that she can let you know and you two can find an amicable way to end this. It’s not what you want, but even less do you want to be cheated on, or stand in the path of her happiness.

Other than that...
Totally agree that alcohol is no excuse, but my view on the impact of alcohol in this scenario will be based on your replies regarding her drinking.

You may have an opportunity to do what so many BSes on this site may have wished for, namely to address wayward behavior before it leads to problems.
It sounds like your wife knows and is remorseful/ashamed for her behavior. Presumably she also knows why your last marriage ended and that you're attuned to infidelity more so than most people.
You have a chance to set clear, firm, preventative boundaries with her. Don't let your imagination run wild with what-if scenarios about what she may have done or wanted to do if you hadn't been there. Those aren't helpful.
Rather, let her know that you've already experienced infidelity once, and you require certain boundaries to be in place for this marriage to work. Whatever those may be. If she struggles with drinking, no male friends without you being present, all email and phone passwords being shared (for BOTH of you), location tracker on BOTH of your phones...then you can make that a condition. She can agree or not, but making your position clear now while you're anxious about it may relieve some of the tension. It sounds like she really wants to help and feels bad about you feeling emasculated.

First, let me be very clear. She is a grown woman. She is responsible for her actions. She chose to drink.

However..you said she's not a drinker. You saw the size of the vodka bottle, so you knew how much she might drink. I know, when I used to drink(I've probably drank alcohol less than 20 times in my life, and haven't had any for at least 10 years, simply because I don't like how it makes me feel,just for clarification)..when I was younger, and with friends,and we were drinking,after awhile I didn't really think about how much I was drinking,because I was, well, drunk.

My point is..she probably didn't mean to drink as much as she did.

Drinking alcohol changes how people behave. As you saw.

I don't believe she secretly wants to touch other men,and the alcohol allowed her an excuse. I think she was so intoxicated she probably didn't know what she was doing.

But, gently, YOU DID.

If I were to go somethere,with my husband, and he was abstaining,and I wasn't, I would hope that he would make sure I behaved in a safe, appropriate manner, and if I was too drunk to do so,I would want him to tell me it was time to go home.

I'm curious as to why you sat in the corner(your words), and watched your wife becoming increasingly drunk,and behaving in a way that you know is not how she would act if she wasn't highly intoxicated.

Again..she is responsible. A the same time..as her husband, you also should have told her it was time to go, the moment you realized she was so drunk that she wasn't acting in a way that would make her sober self comfortable.

Isn't that one of the roles of a designated driver, who abstain so their buddies can drink? If a buddy starts to get out of line, isn't it the DD job to get them home,before something bad happens?

That's a painful, frustrating scene you painted of the reunion. You have every right to be pissed and alarmed.

However, she seems to be reacting appropriately, doesn't she? That's the good news. I think she needs to figure out why she did this. Of course the alcohol didn't help. But what was in her mind leading up to the reunion? What was she thinking when she got there? Those questions need to be answered and she may need a therapist to get them.

You can recover from this if she avoids the behavior and gives you what you need to feel safe. Have you figured out what it is you need yet?

Also, it appearsmto me that you should have intervened earlier that night. You might reflect on why you didn't and what that means too.

Sounds like being there made her anxious, and possibly brought the vodka for liquid courage.
Not to mention maybe some reverting to a past age (meaning she was with people she was young with and it sounds like she slipped into a younger role)

What was her experience in high school?

I don’t think she secretly wants other men, but perhaps she could do a deep dive into how these people make her feel. In a small class like that, there is also an odd familiarity. I graduated in a class of 400 and my husband a class of 25. Our reunions looked very different. Not saying she should be acting like that but I think there is some things there that she should connect the dots on.

Hindsight being 2020 you would have been better off dragging her out of there the moment you realized she was acting inappropriately. If I saw my wife put her hand up another man's shirt while taking a picture I would walk up and tell her I'm leaving.

There is a saying: A drunk tongue speaks a sober mind. Maybe your wife was anxious about seeing her former classmates and figured the alcohol would be a good way to calm down. A drink or two would have been fine but consuming 3/4 of a bottle of vodka? That is amazing.

Keep digging

Thank you everyone for your responses, you have given me a good bit to ponder. Yes, in retrospect I should have intervened sooner. I guess I had not considered certain tensions attending a reunion might cause, I am in my 50’s and have never attended one. I graduated with right at 1000 in my class and was even class president, simply never had a desire to return.

Bigger,
I was hoping you would post, thank you (not that I’m am not appreciative of everyone that took the time)
I have read your advisement to others for years and always appreciate your insight and temperament. Equally we share having the same professional background so I think at times we may view things from a different perspective.

And yes, during high school all her classmates did was drink, volumes. Now that she’s an adult she has ventured away from that but the vast majority of her classmates have never slowed down. Again, appreciate everyone that has responded.

I think alcohol reveals true *motivations*. The impulses while drunk don't come out of nowhere. Those exist while sober, but I think plenty of people take actions while drunk and feeling those impulses they would never choose while sober and feeling those impulses.

Let's say, for the sake of the argument, that I would like to sleep with every attractive woman I see. I don't try to do that, not because I don't want to, but because I ought not do that.

I wouldn't hit on them sober. I would maintain solid boundaries if they hit on me while sober. If I was hammered, I still *probably* wouldn't hit on them. But who knows what my slip out of my mouth? I probably would have a hard time saying no to blatant advances (less true now than before my wife's A, as I'm simply more aware of boundaries and these types of situations/decisions). Most men are not constantly fending off advances, so this isn't really a social skill we build like women do. It's not an exercised muscle for most of us (I think there was another thread about "honest as your options").

I guess the upshot is, your wife probably would like more attention from more men, but she doesn't normally seek it out while sober.

Your lucky in one way that you've seen who she is when drinking. Now believe it! There's a term for what happened to you that night, she wanted to parade around with others while you sat in the corner and had to watch.

Don't become the Appropriate Behavior Police.

One things for sure she has created a new High School reputation for herself. And it's not a good one.