SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Firstly, I would echo what Cooley2Here said:

People have reasons for their behavior. You need to find out what her experiences in school were. Was she often left out or left behind. HS is a mine field because the perky outgoing girls and athletes are often the popular ones. Did your wife need to be "seen" at the reunion. I see this as her giving herself false courage to get through the party.
You have experience with a cheating spouse and it has left you with scars. This behavior triggered you. In order for this not to consume you have her tell you about school. There was something there that pushed your wife right over the edge. I guessing hidden envy of other girls when she was left out as a teen.

Secondly: you have rules, and they're reasonable and clear. Did you genuinely come up with these rules together, or is it possible that you suggested them and she agreed, knowing she couldn't reasonably do otherwise? That's for you and your wife to know.

You have a strong desire for your wife not to break your rules. However, you don't control anything outside yourself, and it has happened.

I'd say this is an opportunity for you and your wife to get to know one another on a deeper level. I mean, if she has been unfaithful, then that's a different matter, but I'd look for other explanations for her behaviour. I think nearly all people - whether we admit it or not - are desperate for affirmation from the opposite sex and, almost all the time, we keep this desire well hidden, even from ourselves; on this occasion, it is possible to conclude, the alcohol revealed this in your wife. Let's assume there has been no infidelity, nor any desire for such; then, in this behaviour, your wife is revealing her human and vulnerable side; this being the case, your choice now is how to react: do you judge, or do you explore?

I think you seriously need to consider what might have happened if you weren't there and some guy had reciprocated her advances. That sounds like a woman who was well on her way to a drunken one-night stand. That, at least to me, is cheating. Only you know if that's something you can get over.

I think you seriously need to consider what might have happened if you weren't there and some guy had reciprocated her advances. That sounds like a woman who was well on her way to a drunken one-night stand. That, at least to me, is cheating. Only you know if that's something you can get over.

You can't accuse someone of cheating or think of something as cheating that didn't actually happen. Not saying what she did wasn't awful, but you don't actually know what would have happened if he wasn't there. Maybe she wouldn't have drank at all. Maybe she wouldn't have done any of those things, we don't know, because it didn't happen.

While we can debate semantics - that behavior is highly inappropriate at best.

Saying "alcohol made me do it" sounds like a teenager that got busted by her parents for doing something stupid.

You are under no obligation to accept that lame ass excuse.

As for her potentially scarred past of being "left out" in school - while that may haunt her on some level it is NOT an excuse to have inappropriate behavior and/or cheat. We all have our shit from youth - we all have that bad pre-teen/teenage experience at some point or another. We all don't choose to be inappropriate and/or cheat as a result.

I'm sorry for your pain.

If it were me, I would require that she deliver a written plan to rebuild trust and help you heal. She has the ability to research this herself and figure out what needs to be done.

I'd give her a head start. I'd require she go to a (female only preferably) drinking 12 step program. Drinking almost a whole bottle of vodka is not normal. It shows a propensity toward alcoholism even if she doesn't do it often any more.

I'd also tell her she needs to work with an Individual therapist who specializes in infidelity. She needs to figure out what was broken in her to make her behave as she did.

I don't think it shows what she really wants. What does she say when you ask if she wants to hookup with old acquaintances? I'd tell her she's welcome to, but not as your wife.

What has your relationship been like recently? Are you intimate?

For a time I'd also require that you both be open with your phones, no questions asked and that she hand it over immediately when asked. You could do the same if you like or tell her you will once she rebuilds that trust.

Ask her to deliver the first draft of her written plan for recovery and healing in 5 days. Have her sit and read it to you and discuss.

I wish you well.

I guess the upshot is, your wife probably would like more attention from more men, but she doesn't normally seek it out while sober.

I think that sentence strikes very close to the truth... but with my twist:

I think the vast majority – maybe even all – infidelity is about validation. We all seek and need validation, only most of us get it in healthier and more accepted ways. Like... last time you got a raise at work or praise from your colleagues or boss is validation, the new car in your drive is validation of your status, the praise you get from your golfing-buddies for that put is validation, the picture with that prize-pike is validation. That you can go down a waist-size is validation. We also get "healthy" validation like a feeling of content when we look at our kids graduate, pay our bills and have some cash left over, go over our savings account, visit with family and friends... Validation comes in so many forms and shapes.

I think MOST infidelity happens when someone has some insecurities about validation... The attention the new coworker offers, the looks the guy next door gives you, the flirting behavior of the woman at the bar... This can all "validate" you – you still "got it", are still attractive, still hot, still interesting. Of course, it’s a lot easier for the self to validate the decision to cheat with things like love, soul-mate, greatest sex ever, my spouse doesn’t understand me and all that, but IMHO that’s all a cover up for the real reason: Insecurity and validation.

Your spouse – the validation... it’s like a mom’s kiss. It feels obligatory and less valuable. When in fact it isn’t... There is validation simply in the truth your spouse is still there. But, on one hand you have this person that didn’t notice you are wearing a new cologne and whose last comment about your looks was that those new jeans might be too tight on you, and on the other hand the new intern who says how she loves that classic fragrance older men wear, and that she never would have believed you were 51 and that gray hairs are such a turn-on... or whatever... Guess who is first in line in your fantasies?

We can look at the over-simplified and generalization-frowned upon stereotypes: The suburban housewife who falls for the attention from the kid’s soccer coach (the plot-line for numerous porn and erotica movies...), the powerful businessman who validates his power by sleeping with the interns... Basically people with large SELF-INFLICTED gaps in their souls that fill them the wrong way.

With all that and how it might impact this situation:

Remember that bad move some years ago where an attendee to a reunion claims to have discovered and patented "those yellow notes with some glue on them"? Claiming to be the inventor of Post It was that character’s tool to avoid being seen as an underachiever.

It might be what I was trying to refer to in my earlier post on this thread: A trepidation or stress to the reunion. She’s not as much wishing for attention from men as she is seeking validation. The physical contact part is simply her tool to get that affirmation:

"Look – here I am, all these years later and I’m still (or now... depending on how she was back then...) interesting and attractive. Please reaffirm that by responding to my flirting/groping..."

The question might be for her to seriously contemplate: Why do I need validation? What is missing? Whas I feeling some insecurity in meeting these people? Did I feel inferior, or an underachiever compared to them. If so – WHY?

Even more importantly: Why do I seek these harmful forms of validation?

Furthermore: Why was I so anxious or stressed for this reunion that I needed to pour that much booze down my throat?

If she is now contemplating the damage she might have done to the marriage, then ask her to contemplate why that’s causing her distress. After all – if her life is so full of underachievement then what is there in the marriage to hold on to?

I am a great believer in AA and 12 Step, and if I had a clearer view of your wife’s drinking pattern I would wholeheartedly second parts of Stevesn’s post. However, ... There is a difference in a one-off or irregular instance of drinking too much to a pattern of drinking too much.

Your title for the thread is: Wife behaving inappropriately when drinking – as in more than one event. Yet your story is all about ONE incident: Wife behaved inappropriately when drinking. Which is it? This is IMHO a key-factor regarding the role of alcohol as some root for the problem.

We recently had another poster who caught his wife with OM, and she claims she was intoxicated. In that instance, the issue is that the husband seems to hold on to THAT as partial reason for the affair and has made sobriety a condition for possible reconciliation. If your wife had a pattern of drinking too much – even if it was only 1-2 per year – I would be all on board with AA and sobriety. If this is a one-off... then that would be IMHO applying the wrong cure.

Ghost – I think you have a decision and possibly an opportunity.

Your past experience with infidelity probably sits with you. Discuss this with your wife. Explain how you might fall quicker into the insecurities than those that don’t have your experience (and believe me – I do this too). Discuss openly about your marital lives: are you both content? What is it you two want to improve? What goals do you have? Why does she feel that need for validation, and why seek it the way she did that night?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:31 PM, Friday, October 11th]

I have attended Al-anon to understand alcohol dependency and abuse and its impact on relationships.

My husband's Alcohol management was one of my boundaries when we decided to R about six years ago.

Regardless of the frequency of alcohol abuse, there is a problem when one decides to drink to the point of inebriation. Inhibitions decrease, boldness increases, consequences non-existent. etc. Behaviour changes. I think you've seen that.

Your wife needs to understand and to share her reasons for the alcohol abuse and the behaviours you witnessed. With your support and encouragement. She needs to face it. You need to understand.

The way I see it, gently monitoring her relationship with alcohol over time, will give lots more information as to what the next steps should be for both of you.

Best wishes.