SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am living an awesome single life, my son turned out great, my ex cheater has paid support as required with intermittent texts mildly threatening that he would not be able to keep paying but nothing major. We had been together 30 years. He did the keep on cheating emotional torture thing when I thought we were reconciling. Divorce was final seven years ago. SO----

One of his homes owned by he and his new wife (not who he cheated with), was flooded in the hurricane. He sent me a video he made for her (I believe) to show the damage. (It still hurt for a weird flash moment hearing him talk to her in the video, and hearing his voice which I had not heard in a very long time ---- 30 years together the initial connection instinct will probably never go away.)

He proceeded to text me that he had "lost everything he had left that I didn't take" and didn't know how he was going to pay me alimony this month. Keep in mind they have two other homes and this is not their main home. Meanwhile, I live in a very affordable little condo in a not expensive area.

First off, I feel bad for their loss and the work ahead of them. Secondly, the blaming me at first made me angry, then sad. I have moved on from the cheating and divorce in my mind, my bad memories are distant now, with kind of fond memories and gratefulness that my son has done well with the divorce in it's place.. I also don't think of ex in an angry way, partly because he has paid when he is supposed to.

Here's where I went wrong.

Up until now I have a rule to text only needed facts, no emotion or opinions. But in this case I was trying to be kind in letting him know I feel terrible for their situation but reminded him that it was he who chose to destroy our family, not me taking everything he had. And hopefully he can get things resolved to get back on track with child support payments. (I call it child support because that's what it is while my son is in college) Something in this set him off!

He responded with an angry list of every dime I got in the divorce, accused me of bank fraud (because of when my lawyer had me withdraw 50% of a large payment he received.) He added in some personal stuff, and then mentioned that our son would have turned out to be a looser if he went to the college I wanted that would have been fully paid for with scholarships. (He instead convinced son to take out student loans to attend a different college, which son and I are actually happy he chose, which I pay for some of, and cheater does not).

He also said his new wife could snap her fingers and he would be on the street because of a 2 inch prenup. (I wanted to reply to how marriage is sacred and a good spouse would never snap her fingers to end a marriage but---)

I was up half the night worrying not only how to respond, but feeling guilty for my financial affect on him. I had been flirting with the idea lately that maybe I should have stayed friendly instead of no contact. It has been so unsettling to hear his hatred for me! I am surprised how it is affecting me. I didn't realize the extent of his hatred until last night. Especially because I feel far removed, yet he does have to sent that money every month so it hasn't ended for him in the same way. So, in addition to being the cause of his financial problems, he accused me of being content to make him stay on his boat and pay for home expenses when he first moved out (? Never heard this before. I recall I groveled and cried and begged him to stay, sick to my stomach for weeks, loosing over 20 pounds, kind of forgot about that but when he brought that time up it made me think back)

I did take full advantage of the law and was smart money-wise as far as taking my name off his credit cards, separating non-marital etc. in the beginning as he was having his affair and gaslighting me for the months leading to the divorce. I also do feel bad that his carreer has died off and tried other things with not much success. I know him and getting 'a regular job' would have destroyed him. (I went and got a tech school degree, punched a clock while son was at school, and am able to work part time in that field now. I was a stay at home mom with him so no career to fall back on).

I will be okay financially for the most part now, have a retirement, and will probably eventually inherit a decent bit of money and he will not. I keep thinking if there is anything as a good person I should do to ease his burden? I probably am bleeding him dry in all honesty. (What he pays now is about half of what I am paying for son's rent though- I'm so back on forth on this. I would be taking money from savings.)

So here is where I would like to ask for some input. (and thoughts on the above)

One of his accusations is I stole his IRA. I think what happened is he didn't know where to find it and never asked so I just assumed he had it in order. Out of nowhere a few months ago I can now view that account, it shows up as and option when I log in to my bank (same bank we had). He has not touched it and it is sitting there in cash not making interest, no stocks, and has not gone up. So sad. Knowing he has this cash and is over 59 1/2, has been my back up play if he stops paying that yes he does have money. If I tell him sooner, he would probably just spend it all and then my back up would be gone. Now that he brought it up I feel obligated to let him know it is there? Maybe he needs it for the flood issue?

Another issue is life insurance on himself that I own, that he probably believes is worth far more cash value than what actually happened. (I stole that also in his mind, even though it was clearly spelled out in the divorce decree, but to be honest I thought he might miss it, now I feel guilty? Do I let him know the cash values would have eventually run out if I didn't add to it? Do I let him know about a lawsuit that shows people like him were misled with higher interest number projections that never happened? It may make him less angry to know there is so much less money than he thinks sitting there. I also have it in my mind this is for my son, even though it is in my name.

How do I respond? Do I respond? What do I tell him, if anything? I hate not sticking up for myself when he feels so much vengeance. And softening the numbers might help?

By the way, after the long tirade last night ( I did not respond) this morning he texted and nicely said he will pay the next month or so when he can get back on his feet. This was a patten through our marriage. Attack, and be nice the next day, and I would be oh so happy all was well in the world again.

Well I skipped over the uglies he threw your way after your moment of empathy, but here's what he just showed you: HE HASN'T CHANGED A BIT.

You should take solace that your life since D has not had his BS to deal with. This storm has ruined so many or killed them. But there's no excuse for that kind of response. UGH.

I'm just not gonna go point by point. Because you know what could've saved him all of this? If he'd kept it in his pants.

YOU did not do this to him. You didn't create the situation he's in. You didn't make the choice to blow up your marriage. HE did allllll of that, on his own, with no input from you. And all of this he's dealing with now is a direct consequence of the choices HE made.

So if he doesn't like the bed he made that really sounds like a him problem, not a you one and you have not one diddly damn thing to feel guilty about.

Go back to bare minimum contact.

Lesson re-learned.

My XWW also has not bothered to remove my e-mail or phone from her accounts. Calls (or e-mails and letters) for overdrafts, denied charges or the like are all part of the fun.

It is all my fault .

You are no longer responsible for him or to him.

If he still acts like a crybaby and accuses you of "stealing" from him years later and thinks he should not be forced to pay, then he’s still the same man-child you D.

Clearly he’s not learned anything.

I would stay far far away from doing anything in HIS best interest. You can see it will only become YOUR fault for the situation he is in.

I feel bad he is weathering a tough storm and devastating loss. But it’s not the end of the world and he will rebound. As you stated it’s not his main home.

Regarding his career — again not your fault or responsibility to fix. That’s HIS responsibility.

Do yourself a favor and decide to step away as his support team. Permanently.

You are a kind compassionate person. Unfortunately he does not view you that way. You cannot win w/ him.

Just my two cents. Hope this helps you.

No, just step away.

From my experience: If you tell him about the IRA he’ll probably drag your son into saying you’ve hidden this from him all these years, and then the insanity begins all over. You and your son are in a good place now, just leave it like that.

I’ve come to realize that my xh needs to fight/argue bc his mind and life are a mess. When I tried to help him by offering solutions, that throws his brain into more chaos and he starts arguing. Thus, the pressure that was building has now dissipated by him unloading thoughts on me.

Btw great job raising your son!

Thanks everyone. That is so helpful to have people that can relate to this settle me down:-) Good point Homewrecked 2011 about him blaming me for hiding the IRA! It will make me worse in his eyes!

Thoughts on telling him the life insurance cash value is nowhere near what was sold to him and I added sons name to the policy? (as good parents, our son is protected, it's not ME stealing some huge sum of money.)

Thoughts on telling him the life insurance cash value is nowhere near what was sold to him and I added sons name to the policy?

....Even though it was clearly spelled out in the divorce decree

I would not engage on this one either. You are no longer his secretary and it was laid out in the D. If he has issues; I would suggest he make an appointment with an attorney to review what was ordered.

By the way, after the long tirade last night ( I did not respond) this morning he texted and nicely said he will pay the next month or so when he can get back on his feet. This was a patten through our marriage. Attack, and be nice the next day, and I would be oh so happy all was well in the world again.

Just keep ignoring his emails. If he has an issue with the ordered support; he can address with the courts.

I tell you to direct him to the courts because it does a few things. It takes any negotiation he is trying to do off of you. Secondly, he may be surprised at what the courts tell him. My ex showed up here once demanding I have the CS reduced because one of our children aged out. I told him to take it up with the courts. He did and was actually ordered to pay more for one child than he had for two.

Isn't is funny how he has multiple houses but opts to short-change his child when disaster strikes his life. SMH

so you stole all his money and then he signed a 2" prenup that will make him destitute if he cheats again? Dude does not see the messes of his own making. He’s a victim all right- of his own delusions.

You took what was LEGALLY yours. His issues should be taken up with lawyers.
As for the IRA and life insurance — let those sleeping dogs lie.

Remind yourself - not your circus, not your monkeys.

(And yeah the floods sucked but if he has two other homes, he’s fine. he’s FINE. It’ll be a headache for him and thousands of others for a while, but he will recover fine. Many lost everything they had- send your compassion to them.)

Did he not have the option to stay faithful and enjoy a solid marriage with you? He did but he chose to have an affair and blow up his marriage so I feel zero sympathy

Divorce is expensive and it's even more expensive when there are children involved. Maybe if he had thought this out a little better and had the courage to come to you to say he was unhappy maybe the two of you could have worked things out with a therapist but he chose the ugly way and now it costs him financially

It's always better for the children if Mom and Dad can be civil but I would keep it at that. I would not offer any kind of financial relief

Thanks for the great points! I will just continue to let it be with no answer on any of those details. I decided to let the alimony go until he misses two payments and make a decision then since he has always paid until now and it clearly is a unusual situation.

Was the IRA yours in the divorce decree? Or is that his? Or yours jointly? Ultimately the divorce decree decides what happens to that money. If it's his and he thinks you stole it, then it's up to you whether you want to point out - "no, dude, this is where it is and has been all this time" or whatever, or not. But if it is his then of course as you know you don't get to decide if/when/how he uses it. If it's his and I knew where it was I think I would point it out: (1) because I don't like being called a thief, and (2) because I would feel a bit uncomfortable having access to an account that was not mine when dealing with someone as unhinged as it seems your exWS can be at times.

He fired you from the job of being his personal assistant. He has a new wife, that's her lane. If his dumb ass bothered to run his own credit report, he'd probably see his assets. But, not your problem.
Go back to NC. Don't waste your energy responding.

Oh my goodness do I have an update. I had decided to not mention IRA to ex. I will do a list of what just happened to make it a shorter post.

He pays alimony this month (which I see as child support as I spend more on son for college than this) followed with a text that he won't be able to pay for the next few months because he only has $500 left

I notice trading going on in my IRA, assume my account was hacked or mistakenly accessed (because no money was withdrawn) and report it to fraud.

I get text from ex saying he can't access his IRA and that the bank said to contact me. He says the bank says it's mine but that is the account he got in the divorce. (reminder, he claimed I stole it back in October).

I reply that it is mine and proceed to give him the account number for his. I let him know I was in a panic and had contacted fraud. I am thinking this is now cleared up. We can move on.

He claims he's been watching that IRA since the divorce thinking it was all his (after multiple times telling me he had nothing left) He claims he remembers setting that account up and that now "you're saying I am that much $$ poorer?"!!!!

I ask if he can see two accounts, still thinking it is a misunderstanding. One has my name, one has his. I ask how he is able to log in.

He responds "Because IT's MINE"!! I ask why he would have two IRAs there. He says he didn't do anything with the account until now and restates it's his money. He proceeds to tell me about him loosing everything he has in the hurricane and he has $900 left. (went up from $500)

He later texts that that sucks and "you can keep the stock I bought" This part cracks me up! He bought it with my money after scaring the crap out of me, hours on the phone with the bank, and now he is gifting me the privilege of selling stocks I have held for years to put 30% of my funds into a tech sector stock at it's peak. The icing is he gets to berate me while doing this.

He then goes on angrily that he could see the stocks "for ten years" and that is my fault. He goes on and on but you get the story. He ends with we will "call it even and I end alimony, okay? (In addition to saying his wife is not responsible for my alimony) I did not respond to any of this. The bank cleared it up, (it was a loose end in that he had trading priv. left over from marriage)

Here is the interesting and good part. I noticed I had the old feelings of the "arguments" we had when we were "reconciling". I haven't felt this since the cheating, I think it was insanity of anger while I was the victim thing. The feeling my head was exploding and heart beating so loud (louder cause I'm older now?) it made my entire body vibrate. I lost two pounds in the two days I was dealing with this. (I actually like that part) I was afraid every time I heard the phone ding with a text. I was thinking no way, I can't continue to respond this way. I started watching the same videos on narcissists I had heard before, but now heard it differently. They are describing him exactly.

Even reading your prior comments on this post hit me different. I think this is a growth breakthrough here. On a bigger level. Realizing not just what he is, but my part in connecting with him on this personal level still. It is a feeling thing that I can't quite put into words. I had once again been 'feeling' kind towards him after he paid the past two months of alimony and backed off. I can't let that happen again.

Anyway, I am pretty sure the advice here this last post contributed to this progress so thank you!