SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 7 years. I've spent as many years in a post-affair marriage as I did in a pre-affair marriage. Why did I stay so long in such a young and already sabatoged marriage. This hits me hard. I'm wondering if I wasted too many years. Some friends of mine recently celebrated their 36 year anniversary. Life has taught me that many people have a lot of secrets or ups/downs that we don't know about, but the man said to me that the day his life truly began is the day he met his current wife. That stings. I was happy for him, but it cut me deep. My wife has been (to my best knowledge) a decent wife post-affair, but I can't help but feel sad. We get along just fine, but I'm sad that I feel I'll never be able to utter those words... that I'll never have such a high opinion of my spouse... I'll never really feel like someone is the best thing to ever happen to me. I'll never feel loved. Rather, I feel like I've settled. I've settled for being treated inexcusably. I've settled for mediocrity (perhaps even much less.) I've settled to playing second fiddle to a loser. I've settled for this being the best I can do because I don't want to burden anybody. I feel I've settled for being a convenience.

I hate that my life feels like a lie. It's exhausting to always be forcing a smile. Everyone thinks we're something special. It makes me feel like such a liar to be part of this and to have to play along.

For me, my feelings have not changed since D-Day. I'm just a mess of confusion and disappointment. My health (as far as I know) is pretty ok. I exercise regularly, it's one of my primary passions. I have hobbies/interests that afford me the ability to get out. I don't have vices. I have a great job, and my kids are happier than pigs in shit. In some ways, I've made my own life better post-affair, but I have so much resentment. I resent her for not leaving. Why heap this mess on my lap? I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be the one to break up my family. The best case scenario is that I miss out on half of my children's youth. I would upset their fantastic life because I just can't get happy like this. It just stinks. To me, that sacrifice on her part is almost as despicable as the affair itself.

I'm pretty good at getting on with my life. I THINK I'm happy, aside from the baggage handcuffed to my wrists. I'm aware that I really could just be damaged goods that doesn't have a clue. I think I'm resilient, but I realize that this sort of behavior only perpetuated the rug-sweeping. I busied myself to avoid processing the hurt, to hide my shame. Wife doesn't understand, she takes it personally when I shut down. Sometimes, I just have to check out to re-orient myself. Truth is, I just need time to be me; to not have the source of my pain and disappointment staring back at me all hours of the day.

I waffle back and forth between withdrawing and hysterical bonding. Sex is always there. I'm rarely turned down, but it's just not the same. I can't recall the last time my wife initiated. I miss simple shit like that. It's hard to feel loved after something like this and I'm not sure how well I'm even processing just how natural or unnatural the intimate parts of our relationship really are. I can barely hug/kiss her most days. I can't comfortably hold hands for very long. It's like my brain or my heart knows its wrong... that she's sharp like a dagger and will cut me. Every good act on her part is/will be forever prefaced by just how let down I was, and still am.

I hate the idea of spending 7 more years feeling like this (This is how long until my youngest is an adult) I hate the idea of wasting 7 more years feeling unloved. I don't know that anything on her part can ever undo the immense destruction. I didn't sign up for this. It all feels so unfair.

Perhaps it took seven full years for me to realize that it's a deal breaker. Maybe I knew all along and just avoided it; like covering up a stain or distracting myself. Still, theres alot of baggage, especially to do with the children, that is nearly as terrifying to unpack as the idea of spending 7 more years living with disappointment and hurt.

Not sure what I'm looking for here. Just wanted to vent because I've been feeling funky. I don't like to whine, but this place affords me the space to say things that men don't often get to say. Thanks for listening.

Feel identical.

You can always change your mind.

If you think the next seven years being about like the last seven years is no good, you have to make a change.

You can make that change with your wife, or without her. I do think she sort of deserves to know you are unhappy. Maybe she already does, but the only ones that can fix that (potentially) are you and her working together.

You are seven years out, and still miserable from the affair. Clearly time cannot be counted on to heal this wound. Friend, you have to do something, or accept your purgatory.

Imagine your beloved son or daughter in the same situation you are in. What would you advise them if they confided this living nightmare to you?

It sounds like you're still miserable and she still disrespects you in many ways...or at the very least has minimal empathy. She is still exhibiting WW thinking.
Have you discussed a trial separation with her? Take a few months and see if you truly miss her. If you don't, then you have your answer.
Your kids will be okay. You gave them seven years of having two parents available when only one of them was invested in their happiness. Your WW certainly didn't when she gaslit you, made you play the pick-me-dance and then TTed you for years.
You deserve to have a wife who you don't have to mistrust.

I think I'm resilient, but I realize that this sort of behavior only perpetuated the rug-sweeping. I busied myself to avoid processing the hurt, to hide my shame.

Get thee to IC and deal with it head on. What you’re feeling is most likely the result of rug-sweeping.

If your wife hasn’t done IC, ask that of her. Tell her you’re unhappy. Be real with her. Give yourself a chance to possibly become happy where you are before you throw in the towel.

From what I've read it's never a good idea to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids. They will adjust and once you become a happier person the kids will benefit.

When you talk to your wife about how you feel, what is her response?

IC with a trauma specialist therapist would be helpful. they can help you sort through these feelings and figure out how to make you happy.
I believe that if you are happy, truly happy, you will be a better parent.

You deserve better.

It sounds like you're still miserable and she still disrespects you in many ways...or at the very least has minimal empathy. She is still exhibiting WW thinking.

What’s making you say this? I see OP saying that she takes it personally when he’s distant and doesn’t initiate sex anymore. That’s it. Well, even though we’re taught not to take things personally, she’s the one who screwed up and hurt Kyle, so it’s a bit more difficult to NOT take the rejection personally. And I wouldn’t initiate sex either if my H was emotionally unavailable and didn’t kiss me, hug me, and pulled his hand away. What Kyle has described is not "wayward" behavior. And she doesn’t turn him away. Regardless of whether you see it or feel it, Kyle, it sounds to me like she’s trying to stay open to you. I bet she’s in pain too.

Kyle, it’s 100% understandable if you want to end the relationship because you don’t think you can get past her betrayal, but since you’re worried about the effect it will have on your children, it’s worth a shot to roll back the rug and see what’s hiding under there before you give up. You really need to do that anyway, even if you leave.

Very well expressed, KR. I'm 2 and a half years post D-Day, and I think we're feeling similar things. In some ways, this far out it feels worse than it did immediately after D-Day. I think I'm entering the plain of lethal flatness I've heard talked about. And the more time that passes, the more pressure I feel on myself to pull the trigger or just accept that this is all there is. I feel like my options I thought I were keeping open (leaving) are slowly fading, at least without feeling like a total dick who strung her along for years just to end it. I feel more and more pressure on myself the more time passes, pressure to either heal or leave, but neither one is happening. And then a greater level of inertia just keeps accumulating, and there's this feeling that I'm losing my life in this. And I feel exactly like you expressed, that I wish she would leave. I'm pissed she won't in a lot of ways. I've often thought back to the way things were during the affair, before I knew what was going on, when she was trying to get me to leave and wanted me gone and I fought and cried and begged and did everything I could to save my marriage (again, without knowledge that I was competing with an AP and playing a rigged game). If there was just one moment of that attitude from her now...

Thank you for "venting" man. It helped me to read it, hearing another soul express so clearly what I feel as well makes me feel less alone in this world.

Side note, SacredSoul: That is one of the coolest taglines I've ever read. A lot said very succinctly. "Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over and unfamiliar heaven". I'll burn that one into my mind. It sums up perfectly I think what KR is expressing and certainly what I'm expressing.

What’s making you say this? I see OP saying that she takes it personally when he’s distant and doesn’t initiate sex anymore. That’s it.

I apologize. I misused the term.

I wasn't familiar with his story, so I looked back at a few of his older posts and he'd mentioned that she TTed him years after the affair by disclosing a goodbye letter to her AP, and continued to have poor boundaries with other men for quite awhile. Plus, she continued to shut down when he needed to talk about his pain. Since he didn't say that specifically here, it may no longer be a factor in his continuing struggle.

OP, no offense intended.

[This message edited by 1994 at 12:48 PM, Tuesday, August 27th]

I think I'm resilient, but I realize that this sort of behavior only perpetuated the rug-sweeping. I busied myself to avoid processing the hurt, to hide my shame.

Get thee to IC and deal with it head on. What you’re feeling is most likely the result of rug-sweeping.

If your wife hasn’t done IC, ask that of her. Tell her you’re unhappy. Be real with her. Give yourself a chance to possibly become happy where you are before you throw in the towel.

First, you ARE resilient, and you've shown a lot of resilience so far.

I think I'm on the same page as SacredSoul is: rug-sweeping, not the A, is killing you. If you call it quits now, you still will carry the burden of rug-sweeping with you. At this point, your W may be a good candidate for R; maybe not. But that's not yet an issue you can resolve optimally for you.

It's good that you are tired of holding it all in. Now is the time to let it out - but dumping 7 years of stuffed feelings on your W right now doesn't strike as good for you.

Start with a good IC. Dump your feelings on the IC. Ask the IC for guidance in talking with your W.

Maybe your W does love you. Maybe not. That doesn't matter yet, because I believe your stuffed feelings are keeping you from two essentials after betrayal.

First, the stuffed feelings are keeping you from figuring out what you want. I wouldn't be surprised if you're dealing with an internal conflict between wanting R and shame for wanting R. Second, your stuffed feelings are keeping you from seeing your W as she actually is - you can't tell if she's a good candidate for R or not.

My reco is to ask for help in processing your feelings, deciding what you want, and taking action.

Look, if you really want to D, the sooner you do it, the better - for you, for your kids, and even for your WS..

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:42 PM, Tuesday, August 27th]

Sometimes I feel R shouldn't be pushed so hard because many of us felt/feel the way you do. I think infidelity should always lead to D unless the WS moves mountains and becomes a much healthier person and the BS is able to move past it and also heal themselves, many cannot. I could not. I felt much like you even though my xWS was not remorseful I couldn't move past the A. It ruined the M, my ideas about it, my love respect and attraction towards him all went down the drain.

It's a breath of fresh air to have the love, attraction and respect back with my new partner. I need to have no underlying betrayal in my relationships, it was like a poison slowly killing me.

7 years and you still feel this pain and betrayal as sharply. I think that is bare minimum worth a conversation with your WW as well as IC so you don't feel that you have to keep anything inside. "Staying strong", "staying for the kids", and "staying so you don't look like the bad guy" aren't going to change how miserable you are. Your needs and feelings should count for MORE, or bare minimum, at least as important. You are not a burden and your wife should be willing to STILL listen to how you are feeling. She will not leave, and that leaves you in this shit situation you never wanted. I'm sorry.

There is, seemingly, no closure on this side of the fence. WW gets to facilitate a secret second life full of who-knows-what, gaslight the me to the point of believing I'm a monster, and trickle-truth her way to the finish line with every available resource intact. Finally, when all has settled, it's as simple as writing a secret farewell letter to AP for closure.

From my house, it's a whole lot shittier. I was the last person to know, the last person to get the details, via drip feed no less. Now, even all these years later, I still have nothing but curated second-hand information, and the ghost of my marriage and all I ever hoped it would be. I want closure, but it just doesn't seem possible. The options appear to be live with pain and regret, or move on in search of the kind of promise I'm not sure I even believe in anymore.

This is so hard to forgive. I like to think I'm a good person capable of a lot of humility and grace, but I don't know that I can compromise myself to the degree required in order to perpetuate a relationship that obviously meant so much less to the other party. I struggling to find an answer as to why anyone would deserve such a second chance... and, of course, I feel like a monster for still feeling this way all these years later.

Why would a WS care now? It just feels like "had my fun, whoops got carried away!" "Didn't mean for you to find out!" "Gonna keep working overtime doing little things to try and make up for something that can never be undone." "Still need you for some things, just not an honest relationship." Maybe that's crass, but bahhhh.

Call me crazy, but this was all easier when the temperature of the water was a lot hotter, and it was obvious that someone was being an a-hole because their whole facade came undone.

I wouldn't put up with anything less than the full truth, transparency, and humility. I just wouldn't stick around for what you're dealing with.

It sounded in your first post like you were the one who rugswept, not her. My apologies. If she was unwilling to lay herself bare when it counted, then screw it. End it and don't waste another minute being miserable.

Why would a WS care now?

At this point, because her life is about to be upended. It sounds like even if she came completely clean, it's too little, too late. If the truth is not given willingly without any sort of looming threat, I wouldn't want it.

PS - You write beautifully.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:58 PM, Tuesday, August 27th]

You don’t need permission or have something extra happen to file. She’s done enough to warrant 5 divorces.

I divorced. I had serious fears of never actually having what I thought I had with my ex. I did find exactly who I needed about 4 years later. Been together for 20 years now.

Life is so short man, don’t be on your death bed wishing you hadn’t kept yourself miserable.

I think at the root is you feel powerless over your own life and destiny. That isn’t something she will ever be able to give you…. You have to seize it.

WW gets to ….

Only if you allow it

I want closure, but it just doesn't seem possible. The options appear to be live with pain and regret, or move on in search of the kind of promise I'm not sure I even believe in anymore.

What do you actually want as closure? Write it down and demand it? If it is a flogging at high noon or whatever, you get to decide what it looks like.
And those are not the only options, they are just the ones you see presented to you. Reject them both ad decide what you want. Accept nothing less.

I struggling to find an answer as to why anyone would deserve such a second chance... and, of course, I feel like a monster for still feeling this way all these years later.

They don’t. Period. We get to choose if we will allow them one. They are in no way entitled to on EVEN 7 yrs out. And you are absolutely not a monster. You are in extreme pain. Someone in a wreck that fractured all the bones in their body is not shamed because years later they still are having pain. Especially if they never got the proper treatment and fully healed.

Why would a WS care now? It just feels like "had my fun, whoops got carried away!" "Didn't mean for you to find out!".

Of course they feel that way… so what? We don’t have to accept it. I have learned that we get too hung up on needing their feelings or viewpoints to change to match ours. But we don’t actually need that. We have to learn to put our own truths above theirs. This is a main point in my own therapy sessions.

Call me crazy, but this was all easier when the temperature of the water was a lot hotter, and it was obvious that someone was being an a-hole because their whole facade came undone.

Seems like you believe you need a reason that she (or others)agrees with instead of just taking your own stance. There is no time limit. It’s not like because you stayed longer than x months, now your leaving is your fault. To me that is a life long lasting consequence for her. I will always have the option to leave because of this. If that lack of certainty bothers her, she should have thought about that before having sex with those other men. I will never ever have certainty for the rest of my life that it wouldn’t happen again….. it brings a tiny measure of balance for me.

Seize your own future!

You need to give yourself permission to do what is best for you.

What is wrong with telling your STBXW that the marriage is dead and has been for a long time. You tried but it’s not working for you and you’ve done your best.

Get a good attorney or mediator. Come up with a good co-parenting plan.

Don’t feel guilty because in the long run, there are times you need to put yourself first. Your kids will get past the pain and shock. They will know they have two parents who love them.

But the longer you stay in a relationship that you really don’t want to be in, the more pain you will suffer.

It’s not your fault she cheated. It’s not your fault the marriage was broken. But it is YOUR fault for sticking around when you don’t have to.

You deserve better.

If it were me I'd print out the two postings you've written here and hand it to her and tell her:

"I don't know if you care at all but this is how I feel about what you have done to our relationship. If you do care you'll proactively find ways to do something about this. If you truly don't care, and I don't need u to fake it as being honest that you don't is better, then your words and actions will show it and I'm gonna find a way to move on without you to find happiness again.

You've made me feel like a last class citizen in my own relationship and life. I can't spend the rest of my days feeling that way. So you either walk the journey toward something new and better with me, or let me go as there can be no coming back from what you did without you having true ramifications from it and helping me heal and finally find peace.

It's your choice. I can't make the decision for you. But I'm no longer satisfied just getting along after you shattered me so."

Then talk to a lawyer. Find your path out. Talk to a trauma therapist if you never did. And focus on you. If she wants to be part of the solution she will be.

What will that look like? It begins with her supporters the decision to divorce and end the official marriage she destroyed. Then she would ask for a chance to build a new relationship after you both do individual therapy with absolutely no guarantees from you.

Then she would make herself available to you in whatever capacity you're comfortable with. Not at all, or as friends or simply as coparents for now, or down the road perhaps trying again as monogamous partners.

But at the very least you can know that she lost her right as your spouse because of the choice she made to give away what was special between you. And if she decides she no longer wants anything longer that with you or to put in the effort to win you back, then at least you're not living a lie anymore.

That's my perspective. I wish you well in deciding.