Tired of holding it all in

It's been 7 years. I've spent as many years in a post-affair marriage as I did in a pre-affair marriage. Why did I stay so long in such a young and already sabatoged marriage. This hits me hard. I'm wondering if I wasted too many years. Some friends of mine recently celebrated their 36 year anniversary. Life has taught me that many people have a lot of secrets or ups/downs that we don't know about, but the man said to me that the day his life truly began is the day he met his current wife. That stings. I was happy for him, but it cut me deep. My wife has been (to my best knowledge) a decent wife post-affair, but I can't help but feel sad. We get along just fine, but I'm sad that I feel I'll never be able to utter those words... that I'll never have such a high opinion of my spouse... I'll never really feel like someone is the best thing to ever happen to me. I'll never feel loved. Rather, I feel like I've settled. I've settled for being treated inexcusably. I've settled for mediocrity (perhaps even much less.) I've settled to playing second fiddle to a loser. I've settled for this being the best I can do because I don't want to burden anybody. I feel I've settled for being a convenience.

I hate that my life feels like a lie. It's exhausting to always be forcing a smile. Everyone thinks we're something special. It makes me feel like such a liar to be part of this and to have to play along.

For me, my feelings have not changed since D-Day. I'm just a mess of confusion and disappointment. My health (as far as I know) is pretty ok. I exercise regularly, it's one of my primary passions. I have hobbies/interests that afford me the ability to get out. I don't have vices. I have a great job, and my kids are happier than pigs in shit. In some ways, I've made my own life better post-affair, but I have so much resentment. I resent her for not leaving. Why heap this mess on my lap? I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be the one to break up my family. The best case scenario is that I miss out on half of my children's youth. I would upset their fantastic life because I just can't get happy like this. It just stinks. To me, that sacrifice on her part is almost as despicable as the affair itself.

I'm pretty good at getting on with my life. I THINK I'm happy, aside from the baggage handcuffed to my wrists. I'm aware that I really could just be damaged goods that doesn't have a clue. I think I'm resilient, but I realize that this sort of behavior only perpetuated the rug-sweeping. I busied myself to avoid processing the hurt, to hide my shame. Wife doesn't understand, she takes it personally when I shut down. Sometimes, I just have to check out to re-orient myself. Truth is, I just need time to be me; to not have the source of my pain and disappointment staring back at me all hours of the day.

I waffle back and forth between withdrawing and hysterical bonding. Sex is always there. I'm rarely turned down, but it's just not the same. I can't recall the last time my wife initiated. I miss simple shit like that. It's hard to feel loved after something like this and I'm not sure how well I'm even processing just how natural or unnatural the intimate parts of our relationship really are. I can barely hug/kiss her most days. I can't comfortably hold hands for very long. It's like my brain or my heart knows its wrong... that she's sharp like a dagger and will cut me. Every good act on her part is/will be forever prefaced by just how let down I was, and still am.

I hate the idea of spending 7 more years feeling like this (This is how long until my youngest is an adult) I hate the idea of wasting 7 more years feeling unloved. I don't know that anything on her part can ever undo the immense destruction. I didn't sign up for this. It all feels so unfair.

Perhaps it took seven full years for me to realize that it's a deal breaker. Maybe I knew all along and just avoided it; like covering up a stain or distracting myself. Still, theres alot of baggage, especially to do with the children, that is nearly as terrifying to unpack as the idea of spending 7 more years living with disappointment and hurt.

Not sure what I'm looking for here. Just wanted to vent because I've been feeling funky. I don't like to whine, but this place affords me the space to say things that men don't often get to say. Thanks for listening.

30 comments posted: Tuesday, August 27th, 2024