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General :
The Reverse Pick Me

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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 5:47 AM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

My ex is trying hard, all of the i love you’s, i only want you, basically her version of the pick me dance. Only different, because I am not fucking someone else while telling her she is the only one for me. I am not leading her on, I’ve been very clear about where I stand and where our relationship is (the trash). More importantly I am not cheating on her and gaslighting her.

None the less, her pick me dance is pushing me even further away. I guess I understand what cheaters feel to an extent.

I don’t know what to make of all this, i at least know that I am being honest, but damn am I understanding why pick me dance doesn’t work at all.

If you are cheating and read this, you are a
Terrible person for putting your partner into a position where they feel they have to compete for you. Damnit all, a cheater isn’t worth it.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8844180
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ReluctantEmu ( new member #82500) posted at 11:26 AM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

I’m so sorry HINHF. It’s tough. Unfortunately, I can see a lot of wayward habits still in your STBXW by how she’s carrying on now. Keep in mind that it’s entirely her fault you aren’t with her anymore.

Why is she so fervent in expressing her "remorse" now? Did she not just call a man who abused your child the love of her life? Does the cognitive dissonance not register for her? Very baffling to me. But you’re doing well. Stay frosty for any diversions or changes in tact/approach to keep you tied to her, HINHF.

Me: WW (33),Him: BH (33)

LTA from Nov 2020-Feb 2022

In recovery

posts: 15   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8844183
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 12:02 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

Your emotional state now is where it needs to be. Keep pushing forward. She is imploding and that is on her.
Hopefully she’s not trying to conscript your kids into her drama game.
Have you filed yet?

posts: 202   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8844184
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:09 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

This isn’t really the pick-me dance; it’s love bombing, which is common tactic abusers use to bring their victims back under their control when they feel they are slipping away.

But yes, that feeling of disgust and contempt you feel right now? This is how she’s been feeling for the past several years as she’s been pining after her scumbag AP while you were desperate to save your marriage and keep your family intact.

Eventually, she’ll switch channels back to self pity, anger, and then back to love-bombing again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:09 PM, Monday, August 5th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2093   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8844185
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

Yeah what BluerThanBlue said. Its lovebombing, and....she doesn't really love you i.e., want what is in your best interests. She instead just wants back the control of the situation, to get you back under her thumb. Stay strong!

posts: 996   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8844189
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 3:09 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

Sometimes it’s too little too late.

She thinks she can fix the relationship without fixing herself.

At least she is making this easy for you.

And I agree, the pick me dance is never going to work for either party. Respect is earned and the only way it is earned is through authenticity.

She figured she had the situation in her control, and she figured wrong. I don’t think your wife knows how to love, that starts with being a person she can love. But there are no shortcuts to that and certainly of there were, love bombing would not be it.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7481   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8844191
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:26 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

Ick. The thought of being with anyone, who found out their boyfriend abused their son,and chose to believe a monster over their child is utterly repulsive.

Fuck her.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6793   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8844213
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:42 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2024

Yep, what Blue said. The person who's least invested in the relationship is always the one with the most power. You've flipped the script and she doesn't know how to act. She doesn't want you, she just wants you to want her. It's messing with her ego and her identity that you're over it.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:43 PM, Monday, August 5th]

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8844218
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:19 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2024

This is a manipulation tactic, you have escaped from the box she had you in. She is not looking to be picked, she is looking to regain control over you. Love Bombing 101, its right there in "The Cheaters Handbook". Stay strong Brother.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3555   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8844225
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:31 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2024

You no longer see the person you married but you see the person she has become.

The rose colored glasses are off and you don’t like what you are seeing.

That is what makes it so hard to R — the cheater has basically disrespected you, trashed your marriage, your life and your kids’ lives — and they think a few "I love you" and kisses will magically make you fall back in love.

Sadly you are seeing how repulsive it is w/ a liar as a spouse. You just don’t have it in you anymore to believe one word.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14103   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8844227
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 2:21 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2024

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

posts: 167   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8844228
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 9:54 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

Hardy,

I prefer fool me twice to hell with you don’t confuse my kindness for weakness.

Blue,

Yes, love bombing. Ex has been on her best behavior but keeps trying her hardest to get me to crack. Lots of self pity, apologies etc. then the anger starts. She’s holding it back but the mask has completely fallen. And you’re right, now that I’m on the other side I can do an autopsy of the dead marriage and see all the ways she not only treated me with contempt, but went out of her way to make me feel I was the problem and give her "space". Which really was so she could be with her boy toy without me in the way.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8845310
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 9:56 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

Tanner, 1st Wife

Yes thank you. I have escaped the box. I wish i could have done it sooner but honestly it’s almost like she did me a favor by keeping the affair going. That really snapped me back into reality.

Rose glasses were already off, but now they are shattered completely.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8845312
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:59 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

I prefer fool me twice to hell with you don’t confuse my kindness for weakness.

I agree.

If I'm willing to extend some trust to attempt R, it doesn't mean I'm weak. It means I'm strong enough to be vulnerable. If you abuse that trust, you're GONE.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8845313
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 10:01 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

Hellfire,

It’s disgusting. I’m dealing with the legal process of protection order for the kids and ex keeps trying to act like we are on the same team. I told her no, I’m putting this in place so you and him can’t be together around the kids we aren’t on the same side anymore. Even if no affair, discarding our son, and the absolute hell that he has been through…that alone is enough to D.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8845314
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 10:04 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

Emu,

Yeah, she’s denying she "loved" AP, but I have the messages that literally say she loves him and always will. It’s pathetic, it’s like one of those posts from the OW I’ve seen on other sites.

And now that the jig is up she’s suddenly now doing the work? Almost 3 years of false R later? Naw.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8845315
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 10:09 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

SacredSoul,

Yes! Exactly what I was trying to say! I’m not a fool for thinking my wife of over 20 years would actually work with me to save our marriage, but damn I have my limit.

And I definitely think you are on to something, she wants me to want her. I’ve thought about that a lot during false R, that she doesn’t love me, she loves the way I love her and if I don’t do it just right then I pay the price.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8845316
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 10:41 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

that she doesn’t love me, she loves the way I love her

When you are involved with someone like this and finally see it, you can never unsee it again. The spell is broken. You wonder how you didn't see it sooner. I think we don't see it sooner because it is so foreign to us, so not the way we engage with people, that we had no idea there even were such people. What a cold, calculating, superficial way to live.

But with this new wisdom you now have comes strength, clarity, and determination. That is obvious in your posts. I am very sorry for the hell that you are going through, but I have no doubt that you will survive and thrive.

Sending strength and positive vibes.

me: BS/WS h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5906   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8845321
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 11:27 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

What a cold, calculating, superficial way to live.

I'm not so sure that it's calculating, though I'm sure it feels that way when you're on the other end of it. I think it's usually due a lack of emotional intelligence due to dysfunction and/or a personality disorder.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:27 PM, Wednesday, August 7th]

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8845328
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 12:02 AM on Thursday, August 8th, 2024

I think we don't see it sooner because it is so foreign to us, so not the way we engage with people, that we had no idea there even were such people.

Dead on.

Stand strong, brother.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2307   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8845333
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