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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
I have no other options

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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:11 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

I never felt hungover, but I would feel anxious all day. Especially when we had a few good days. If we had a good week going into the weekend I knew it would end poorly. It's like he was always looking for th next best thing. So Tuesday had to be better than Monday, Wednesday had to be better that Tuesday....By th time Sunday came, I would be so worried about what would happen....he would inevitably want to go to an expensive dinner or cook a big meal, or make a big day with the neighbors etc, and I would just want to chill, ease into the work week etc. When I would say no to a big meal etc he would flip and then that would be it. Have I said I hate this today? If not...I hate this. So much. Im ready for it to all be over. I have no support system here. My mom isn't very helpful and she often feels like another kid. Trying to manage the kids and not let them see me upset has been hard. I would love for a friend to just say "hey, we are going to do XYZ. Your STBX can watch the kids. Ill be there in 15 minutes"

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837830
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:30 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

Elle that sounds like a terrible way to live. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You will eventually realize how much your stress is lowered. I'm sorry your mom is not very helpful.

I wish I could come pick you up and take you out for a girls night!

I'm sorry you don't have much support there. :(

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8837831
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:56 PM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

I found that I had a lot more friends and support when we split. Seems folks weren’t that found of my XWS and that I was so focused on pleasing him that I didn’t see them right in front of me.

So you may find that your energy changes when he is gone and that there are more people in your corner than you think.
Regardless, you will find a tribe and be okay. Hang in there.

(And yes, wish I could help. Take a little extra care of yourself today- bubble bath, a chapter of a book, a long walk… whatever helps you.)

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8837853
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 11:49 PM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

I messaged OW husband just to let him know that I would no longer be seeing texts, emails, phone logs etc so that I was no longer involved in their situation and that I wished him the best of luck. He informed me that his WW was essentially saying my husband was harassing her and that she just went along with it because he would be mean to her if not. That she hated him and thought he was disgusting. She said she never took it to upper management bc they would then find out about the first affair and think less of her. I told him that I got pretty much the opposite from my husband (and when looking at the emails she was the persistent one about their "dates"). I felt defensive pissed that my STBX was being made out to be the person. Part of me was like well what did you expect to happen. But the other part of me was pissed. You dont get to pursue and affair with a married man and then play the victim. Ive seen enough of their conversations to know. She would tell him to call her for some "real talk" since he was going to be off the next day. She would email him first in the day to tell him he makes her day brighter etc. I just dont know. It's not bothering me THAT much but I think it's a bullshit way for someone who has had MULTIPLE affairs, avoid the blame. I reminded the husband also about the man that was before my husband....my husbands boss. She did the same thing with him and he up and left completely unexpectedly. I assume it was bc his wife found out and made him get a new job. I also let my STBX know what was said so he could make sure to stay the fuck away bc at the end of the day I need him to have a job. Part of me thinks it's hilarious that the person he probably thought would help keep his secret or at least claim her responsibility after so many years was so quick to throw him under the bus. I think I can count this towards a small bit of Karma???

[This message edited by Elle2 at 11:57 PM, Saturday, May 25th]

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837869
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 5:05 AM on Sunday, May 26th, 2024

Hi Elle,

Gently, you need to detach from all of that. Yes you need your husband to have a job, but you cannot control what he does or does not do. Have you read about greyrock? Only speak to the WH about children and finances nothing else. You have to get yourself out of the drama of his affair and start to detach from him. That is the only way you will be able to move on and heal from this.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8837880
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:03 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2024

I know. And truthfully I thought by letting the spouse know I was out, that would be the end of it since I told him I was done with it all and good luck. I didn’t expect more info. But I’m done with it all. I don’t care. I’m heartbroken and devastated and angry and it’s all on me to fix. I have the kids 24/7 and my STBX can go wherever and have his time and space and peace. I don’t mind having the kids though. I know it will be very difficult without them. I hope my STBX misses them every second he’s gone but I doubt he does.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837895
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 11:59 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2024

You have every right to be heartbroken and devastated and angry. It's absolutely not fair that it's all on you to fix. You're STBX is a real douche canoe. I am so sorry that he is, and it's so unfair to both you and your kids.

I think from the sounds of him, it's probably better for your kids if they are with you rather than him but I do wish you could have some peace and some you time. If there is any way at all for you to carve out some time just for you, doing something you love, than please try and find a way to do that.

Please remind yourself that you are honest, loyal, hardworking, smart. You are beautiful, so please don't forget that. He did NOT deserve you!!!! He is just an asshat who can't see what he has lost. This is NOT on you, it's on him 100%.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8837924
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:57 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2024

I think many of us that have been monitoring your journey see some... improvement (for lack of a better word) in your posts and your stance.
Do you experience that too?
There is a certain positiveness, a certain realization that what you are being offered and what you are doing now is better than what you were offered in the past.

I truly believe the quote I have in my tagline. We are in control of our "happiness". Only happiness isn’t eating cake and watching cartoons all the time. Happiness is simply being in a better place now than you were yesterday. Happiness can even be still being where you were yesterday, but having a plan to move to a better place and the ability to implement it. Happiness can be still standing on the hot ground, but now with a bit of shade or a cold drink. Happiness can be incremental, as long as it’s in the right direction.

I truly believe you are heading the right direction.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8837936
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:32 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2024

Bigger, thank you for those words. I do think I have been doing better. I think that I have finally realized that it truly was NOT me. Our marriage had issues and I will accept my part in the marriage being less than ideal. But I also know that I did not make him cheat. He had a choice. And every day he made the choice to cheat, and lie, and deceive, and gaslight, and manipulate, and take his anger out over his guilt on me and the kids. I was not happy. But I did not cheat. I never would have. It was never an option. He is an insecure man who needs validation from anyone and everyone and no matter what I would have done, he would have found a reason to say "it wasnt enough". He found women who were just as broken and desperate as he is. No woman of worth cheats with a married man. Period. I know I am better than those women. They may make more than me, be prettier or skinner than me, but they are definitely not better than me. I keep reminding myself of this. Some days I believe it, other days I question it. But I will say I believe it more than I dont these days. It was on my husband to protect our marriage. And he didnt. He made it very clear that he was available. He talked poorly about me, and about our situation, even made our children's medical issues seem worse for sympathy. He is the problem. He is now no longer my problem. I dont have to worry about what hes saying about me and who he is saying it to. It doesnt matter. Sometimes I think about it and it hurts bc he was my person. The one I trusted more than anyone. But I cant change whats happened. Just learn from it and move on. I am going to prove to him what he lost because he clearly lost sight of what my worth is. I did too. But now that I dont have a narcissist making me feel inadequate every day, I am starting to see what I am capable of.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837956
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 1:14 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2024

I was really struggling last night and this morning. You know how things get stuck in your brain. And you obsess over them. Last night it was the girl he left to go meet up with saying "tell (my name) I said thank you." OW had mentioned that she assumed we were not divorcing but to tell me she said thank you. Now if we were going through R I would have called him and asked him. But since we aren’t, I didn’t. Not getting answers is hard. I know that the answer wouldn’t make me feel better, and more than likely would lead to more questions and anger. But it’s still hard.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838099
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:28 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2024

Good for you for staying NC. It is really hard but it does get better. We do have a thread called stay no contact - post it here, where you can post what you'd like to say to your WH. Sometimes it helps just to get it out of your system.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8838124
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:37 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2024

I didnt know about that thread! I'll definitely be using it! Thanks!!

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838127
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:23 AM on Thursday, May 30th, 2024

Do you think you would get the truth from him, even if you asked him Elle?

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838180
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:34 AM on Thursday, May 30th, 2024

No. I never have. Not once has there been full honesty. I keep thinking about what marriage counseling would look like if we did it, and I think the first thing I would say is there has never been full honesty. Not since DDay 1. There was trickle truths and "I dont remember". For the first A, he said it was a few weeks, then it was a few months, then 6 months. We stayed at 6 months for a while. Then I found an old text on his old phone that brought the A back to almost a year...and the way they were talking was very clear that this was not a new situation so it was over a year. But I never got anything close to an answer. We just left it at that date from that text. There wasnt even an attempt to tell me. He slipped up a few weeks ago and swore it had been 8 years since the first A was discovered, trying to act like all this shit hadn't happened in 6 short years becuase I had mentioned that "yeah things have been rough for 6 years. I had a miscarriage, found out about the first A, lost our son, got pregnant again during covid, hospitalized for 2 months bc he had the same thing that took our sons life, locked down in the hospital, then we had a newborn during covid, homeschooling kids during covid, I lost all my jobs, my dad died, our dog died, we moved in with my mom, Affirs 2&3, I went back to school and work, then affair 4". He was trying to minimize how hectic our 6 years had been by insisting it was 8 years....I said nope, I'll remember the date forever bc the 1 year anniversary of DDay1, I was in the hospital for the second time after the passing of our son, trying to recover from preeclampsia. I was struggling with the grief of losing our child, I was terrified for my life and leaving our kids behind, and I still remembered the date....if thats any indication about how traumatic affairs are. SO when he swore 8 years, it made me wonder if maybe they hadn't been talking for 8 years. Maybe they even talked about an 8 year anniversary. I dont know. Long story short, there's never been truth. Not ever. If I think too much about it, it makes me wonder how much hes done that I didnt know about.
I was really struggling today. I felt the "pick me" urge coming on. I keep reminding myself how unhappy I was. Part of me wants him to stay with me just so he doesnt find happiness with anyone else. It makes me feel like I wasnt enough. I know though that hes the problem. He will never be happy. He hated me bc he put all the responsibility of his happiness on me and the kids and our life and it never satisfied that need. He was never happy. Not for long. Dont get me wrong, I had plenty of days where im angry at the world. Tired of struggling etc. But I realize that a lot of it was bc I knew at home I was going to be on eggshells. But with my life I was satisfied. I could appreciate what we had. My STBX had 2 midlife crisis cars...a vintage jeep and now his little BMW (that I was NOT happy about but we bought and was supposed to get handed down to our daughter when she was old enough). When he drove the jeep he was all about flannels and classic rock. blasting music everywhere, trying to look so cool. In his BMW it was blasting rap music everywhere, trying to look cool. He always needed that validation. People looking, im sure girls flirting etc. I hated it. He just never could be himself and be happy. Im not even sure he knows that that is. The shitty part is, is that he never really lost his sparkle. His charm. He always kept it up. It was endearing to see him be so "kind and charming". Now I realize he was acting that way so people would like him, adore him...one of his old APs even told him she was falling in love with him (and of course thats the one he ran out to meet the night before mothers day bc he knew she would just throw herself at him). I on the other hand only had eyes for my husband, and only cared if he was looking at me. I didnt need to impress other men. I didnt care if they looked. Honestly, I looked like a bitch when I wasnt with my husband bc any type of male attention made me uncomfortable. It felt like cheating to me. And dont get me wrong, my STBX doted on me. He was always all over me, telling me how beautiful I was etc. I wouldnt even know how to date. How to meet anyone. I have no desire too, but I know that hes never stopped really so it feels like another layer of betrayal that I gave that life up, not expecting to need those "skills", but he has already transitioned to it like nothing ever happened. I guess after knowing he was saying the same stuff to other women, it just didnt hold much water with me anymore.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838191
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:47 AM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

It's really hard when you're feeling the pick me urge. I know this. It makes you feel less than. But look back over what you just wrote. When you imagine the person you want to be with, would any of what you just wrote be what you want in a partner?
I don't think there is one thing you would want there. Maybe when he doted on you, but even then, you know now that it was never just you. That doesn't say anything about you at all, it does say a lot about him and who he is.

He's not going to go on and be happy with someone else. He may BE with someone else at some point, but he's going to be doing the same to them as he did to you.

What kind of contact are you having with him now? Is he still coming to your mom's place? Are you still having conversations that are not about kids and finances?

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838245
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:36 AM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

He still comes over but we keep it to kids and finances mostly. Sometimes a conversation develops with the kids and us but I try to keep it basic. I really want to have a good coparenting relationship. And truthfully, I know I can be a bitch, but I dont like being mean. Does that make sense. I get pissed and then im not. I dont like being mean. I dont like saying hurtful things. It's just not who I am. The pick me urge is more of me thinking about what type of person he COULD be. The life we COULD have etc. Ive been good about catching myself missing things that I want to happen. Plans I had etc. Im trying to keep myself based in the present and not mourning a life I wanted to have or hoped to have with him.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838249
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:51 AM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

I understand about not wanting to be mean. You don't have to be mean tho, just say something like "hey lets keep it to the kids"

You have kids, so you can't go completely no contact, but it's really too bad he didn't have his own stable home, you really would benefit from not having to talk to him at all.

It's surprising how your perspective changes when they aren't around, it's kind of like detox, but you're not getting to detox.

I get the hope 100%. Wishing he could be who you thought he was, wishing your life was what you wanted it to be.

You are doing goo by trying to get in the moment, that's what you should be doing. But you can also start imagining what your life will be without him weighing you down.

Replace the old dreams with new ones, start small.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838250
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:45 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

As dumb as it sounds, imagining my new life without him feels like cheating to me. Even seeing good looking men come across my IG reels makes me feel bad. It's these things that I never entertained before bc I was married and it wasnt something I wanted HIM to do, so I didnt do it. Doing it now still feels uncomfortable to me. I dont know if that shows how delusional I was/am or how devoted to my marriage I was. Either way. Its weird lol

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838313
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

It takes time to grieve the M after leaving. I didn't realize there was going to be even more healing to do when I left, wasn't prepared for that part at all. For me it wasn't xWS that I missed or even the M it was lost dreams and time wasted on it. Give yourself as much time as you need. Rediscover who you are. Don't think about dating until you start to feel like you are interested in it (you will know).

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8838390
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 8:39 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

Yeah the lost dreams are hard. Just a few weeks ago (while he was cheating and I was telling him I felt ike soothing was wrong) he promised me it was jus the, that it was gonna be us in the end blah blah blah. And I believed it, even though I felt like/knew deep down something was wrong. Especially since we were 6 years out from the first A. Why waste those 6 years on false R. I realize now that it was false even though I felt like we did a great job working through it. Since there wasnt complete honesty etc, it wasnt real R. We had a lot happen I those 6 years. I cant help but wonder how differently things would have been if we just walked away then

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838411
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