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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
I have no other options

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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:02 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2024

Like Crazyblindsided said, no need to think about dating. In fact I think it's better if you don't. My mom didn't date a single guy until five years after her divorce (not saying anyone has to wait that long lol) She did a lot of therapy, and a lot of figuring out why she was attracted to someone who was so broken. NO blame on her at all for what happened, but her FOO did set her up to be attracted to broken men. Once she healed and figured herself out, she met a wonderful, honest, genuine man.

The relationship is completely different than with my dad. He is the love of her life and a good person. He treats me like his daughter. He's been there for me when my bio dad wasn't.

All this to say, you need to heal and figure things out before you look again. I meant more what can your life look like with just you and your kids.

What did he bring to the table when he was there?
How often were you really having great times, or were you projecting, believing the best in him?

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838421
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:32 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2024

I’ve said before, and it feels shallow, but he was losing his value to me. I, and most women I think, want a man to lead them and their house. MY stbx was the breadwinner. He would run errands on his way home and pop out at odd hours if we needed something urgent. And that’s about it. Repairs, problem solving, building, renovations, all the other stuff that 20 years ago would have been up to the man to do, I did. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy that stuff, but I also know for our family and I think many households, when there is a man "in charge" women feel protected and safe etc…that all adds to the man’s value. I’m not trying to sound too old fashioned here lol….but I think you get my point. He always would make comments about how I was using him for his money. He doesnt make enough for that to be a reason for someone to want to be with him. We aren’t living this crazy lavish lifestyle. I was with him bc I loved him. And I was devoted to our marriage. I wasn’t always the best wife because I was overwhelmed with a zillion things all the time.
Now even those things he did do to help feel like it was just a way for him to get away and talk to these OW all these years. Is it possible he genuinely did this stuff because he was being a good husband? Possibly. But that’s sort of the point with all of this. I’ll never know his motives..I’ll never trust his motives. It seems like looking back so much of what he did could have just been an opportunity for him to get away and talk to OW. I know he was making needless trips to work to email his most recent / repeat AP.
I’m working on planning a trip for me and the kids and my mom. We want to try a new resort, make new memories to celebrate me graduating in August. I was supposed to plan it a while ago but stbx didn’t want to celebrate. He said it was on me to plan on pay for (bc I make so much money at my internship rolleyes ). Well I’m gonna do it. He was always so fake with his "support" for me and school. But I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so I’m gonna celebrate!

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838438
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 8:44 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2024

So really when you think about it Elle, you're losing an errand boy.

You should be incredibly proud! Going to school with kids, and especially with what you're going through and graduating is quite an accomplishment.

It's awesome that you and your mom and kids will be going to celebrate!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838439
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:17 PM on Saturday, June 1st, 2024

Yes essentially an errand boy. Hes doing more now, consistently and reliably than he ever did when he was here. Whats he doing you ask???? He picks up the toddler from daycare several days a week (the daycare that he previously REFUSED to drive to bc it was so far away and I picked it not him, so it was my responsibility to pick up. It's about 15 minutes from his work but it's about 40 minutes from my house) and he handles baths for the 2 boys every night that hes over here (which has been almost every night). I figure once child support kicks in, it'll be like nothing really every changed. I definitely feel less stressed when hes not here. Especially with school. I spent a lot of nights doing schoolwork while he would be playing xbox or watching TV. I was always watching the clock, trying to make sure I wasnt working too long (even if I needed to bc I had work due), and trying to make sure I would be done in time to go to bed with him. This last semester is INTENSE so I know all my free time ill be on my laptop so not worrying about him will be nice. Theres not much I miss. I miss The fun times. The times where we would just hang out and laugh bc like ive said before, when things were good, they were great. We were phenomenal friends. But the romance has been gone for a while. My body just completely rejected him after the last affairs. And with no attempt to reconcile and total rug sweeping, it's no surprise.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838448
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:53 AM on Sunday, June 2nd, 2024

It's probably good that he is doing more now, but I think this also probably makes you a bit conflicted? Keeping the hopium alive?

That could very well be his intention.

I can understand why the romance is gone, he has betrayed you again and again and taken no ownership of his actions.

It really would be much better for you if you didn't have to constantly see him but I know that isn't possible right now.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838464
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 7:34 PM on Sunday, June 2nd, 2024

you know whats shitty? Hes the one that destroyed our family, and yet hes the one moving on so easily. He is getting invited to parties etc. He has this whole other group of people he is friends with that are there to offer support etc. Meeting new people. All the fun stuff. While im here. Doing the same thing ive been doing. No one is inviting me places. Im not meeting new people. It makes me so angry and sad. It doesnt seem fair that he gets to just move on so easily. It doesnt seem fair that people aren't avoiding him since hes such a shit person. But again, hes charming. Hes handsome. Im sure the narrative of our split is filled with lies and half truths. Im sure hes made it seem like hes the REAL victim. Hell, hes probably just made it seem like I was the issue, and didnt even mention his affairs.
nomudnolotus, it does make me feel conflicted. Im makes me see how it SHOULD have been. Him doing his part without me needing to ask him, or arguing about who did what that day. Whose day has been harder etc.

[This message edited by Elle2 at 7:50 PM, Sunday, June 2nd]

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838487
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 10:31 PM on Sunday, June 2nd, 2024

nomudnolotus, it does make me feel conflicted. Im makes me see how it SHOULD have been. Him doing his part without me needing to ask him, or arguing about who did what that day. Whose day has been harder etc.

I am betting he is doing this intentionally. Probably for a couple reasons depending on how devious he is. 1. To make you hope. 2. To make you feel bad, like you were the reason he was an asshole before.

But you know what, he's just an asshole. You are not the reason he didn't do these things before, he is the reason.

you know whats shitty? Hes the one that destroyed our family, and yet hes the one moving on so easily. He is getting invited to parties etc. He has this whole other group of people he is friends with that are there to offer support etc. Meeting new people. All the fun stuff. While im here. Doing the same thing ive been doing. No one is inviting me places. Im not meeting new people. It makes me so angry and sad. It doesnt seem fair that he gets to just move on so easily. It doesnt seem fair that people aren't avoiding him since hes such a shit person. But again, hes charming. Hes handsome. Im sure the narrative of our split is filled with lies and half truths. Im sure hes made it seem like hes the REAL victim. Hell, hes probably just made it seem like I was the issue, and didnt even mention his affairs.

I have found that people that haven't experienced infidelity first hand don't really get how devastating it is. So even if they know, he's downplayed it, or romanticize it "poor little muffin wasn't getting any love at home" Without telling people you had to do everything, that he was a useless errand boy and nothing more.

It isn't fair, it may never be fair. Karma may happen or it may not. It may happen so far into the future that you won't even care.

Even if it doesn't happen in a way you can see it. He is an empty person, who needs to be filled up with ego kibbles all the time. That is a desperately unhappy way to live.

At some point (but you have got to get him out of your day to day life) you will be able to see joy and satisfaction in your life again, a little bit at a time, and eventually you'll know that you are a good person, living your best life, and that will be enough. You are enough. Keep telling yourself that, please.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838489
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:07 AM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

Thank you for that. His daughter (my stepdaughter) called me tonight. She had never heard what happened. She found out today and she is PISSED. She was like I know hes my dad, but you deserve better. You can find someone way better than him. You have done so much for him and been through so much with him and because of him and he Keeps doing this and it's bullshit. She, like all of us, has said the same thing. That he needs attention from everyone in the world and that it will never be enough. No matter what happens he will never be happy. We talked for an hour and a half. And she told me she won't accept any other woman as a step mom bc shes grown now lo (shes about to be 21).Shes had a lot of issues with him as well and she sees him for who he really is as well. We joked about our trauma bond and told me that I will be so much better off without him. It was pretty eye opening to hear her say all this. Im ready to be a year from today and see where life is. This weird spot is exhausting.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838496
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:33 AM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

I'm glad that you had that talk with your step daughter. I think it helps when someone can back you up, so you don't feel crazy and aren't second guessing yourself.

When you think about it Elle, if his own daughter is telling you these things, it had to have been pretty bad. Like very blatant and noticeable what he was doing.

I bet you are absolutely exhausted. Are you finding ways to take a bit of time for yourself?

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838498
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:12 AM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

I am too. Shes a good egg. ive known her since she was 2 so I take all the credit I can for her turning out as good as she has considering her parents lol. I told her I was surpised she didnt know.She told me the story that STBX told her. He called her and told her he had news. She told him if its bad I cant handle any more bad today (she had just found out her mom needed surgery and would be missing her 21st bday party) and he goes "no its good news!. Me and your stepmother are getting a divorce. And it's a good thing. Im going to be made to look like the bad guy but im not." And she was just like uh, ok. She told me she figured it was him cheating again bc once a cheater always a cheater.
His cheating wasnt noticeable, but she is one of the very few people that have seen him when he is not putting on a front. There are very few people that have seen him like that. Me and the kids, my stepdaughter and my mom. Some of our friends got a glimpse into it a few years ago but it was all explained away bc of booze and whatever else so they all thought it was a one off thing. They wouldnt be able to believe that his anger can be so catastrophic on a regular basis.
I am absolutely exhausted and havent found any time. I generally look forward to listening to my ASMR in bed at night. Im really focused on school. This last semester starts this week and it's an intense semester. I dont really have the luxury of spare time right now so ASMR in bed will do lol. I do think that I will start taking detours on the way home and find a Starbucks or something to sit in for a few hours while STBX is here. I need space. I hate playing house like we are. It's very confusing for my heart and my head. And I think it gives our oldest false hope.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838502
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:35 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

You should take credit in the raising of her for sure. I'm sure he didn't help much with her either.

What is ASMR?

Stopping at a starbucks is a great idea, not being there when he is would be the best thing for you, and don't tell him where you are going!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838509
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

ASMR is a pretty wide range of stuff. It’s mostly sounds, talking, whispering etc that is relaxing and helps you sleep. Some of it definitely gets a little porn-y but the stuff I like is mostly self care stuff…like you are at a spa getting a facial or your hair cut etc. all the stuff we like to do but never have the time or money to do lol. I always recommend it to people. It’s definitely a little weird when you first watch it but once you get over it it’s super relaxing. One of the red flags for this most recent A is that my stbx was starting to watch the porny type of ASMR.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838524
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:21 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

He is getting invited to parties etc. He has this whole other group of people he is friends with that are there to offer support etc. Meeting new people. All the fun stuff. While im here. Doing the same thing ive been doing. No one is inviting me places. Im not meeting new people. It makes me so angry and sad. It doesnt seem fair that he gets to just move on so easily. It doesnt seem fair that people aren't avoiding him since hes such a shit person. But again, hes charming. Hes handsome. Im sure the narrative of our split is filled with lies and half truths. Im sure hes made it seem like hes the REAL victim. Hell, hes probably just made it seem like I was the issue, and didnt even mention his affairs.

This is definitely a narcissistic trait. My xWS is the same way has to go to parties, always meeting new people, but you know what? All of it is shallow. He never keeps a friend for very long and if he does it's because they do something for him. Most narcissists are charming that is what they do. These people don't know the other side of them when they are home. My xWS would brood around the house the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Most likely he is spinning it like you were the issue. You will have to let go of that one it's who they are. They cannot and will not look like the bad guy. Never accountable for their behavior. My xWS has made me out to be the bad guy because I decided to D him. Said I broke up the family. Oh well he can say whatever he wants as I want nothing to do with him or anyone he associates with. They live in a delusional world that suits them.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8838528
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:19 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

To me, ASMR sounds like they're talking when they're eating which is one of my pet peeves. I found a self-guided meditation by Lina Grace that helps me sleep.

my stbx was starting to watch the porny type of ASMR.

Mine did this, too. And couldn't understand why I was so upset when he'd watch them. Helloooo, you've had an affair and you're supposed to be building trust, and you're watching the scantily-clad female bend over to feed you with her lady parts all displayed. duh

This is definitely a narcissistic trait. My xWS is the same way has to go to parties, always meeting new people, but you know what? All of it is shallow.

CBS is spot on.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8838532
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:43 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

Yeah I realize thats part of who they are. Sometimes it's hard bc it seems like it's so easy for him to move on. And these people hes hanging out with, hes just using them. And they dont even realize it. It's not like hes talking to them or reaching out to them any other time. Just when he "needs" people. But they dont realize it. And no one knows that side of him except for a few of us. Thats what me and my SD were talking about. That even his mother hasn't seen him this way. I. just want everyone to be angry at him. I wish cheaters would get tattoos on their forehead to indicate who they really are. It seems like hes going to move on so easliy from all of this. Are girls really that desperate? Its ridiculous. I just dont know how it's so easy to just meet new people. Even the thought of him having new numbers in his phone upsets me. When I let it, my mind goes crazy with whats on his phone now. I keep telling myself it's not my problem anymore. But its so hard to just let 18 years go.
I cannot listen to the eating ASMR. It grosses me out. Theres very specific types out there.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838535
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:59 AM on Tuesday, June 4th, 2024

Hey Elle,

Sometimes it's hard bc it seems like it's so easy for him to move on.

It is easy for them to move on, it's called the discard phase. Look up some videos on narcissists. You will see this is what they do.

The reason they get you so hooked, is because when they want to be, they are vibrant, charming, funny, they love bomb you and make you feel like the most wonderful person in the world. Until you're hooked. As long as you do everything they want, they might stay this way, though the mask usually starts to slip.

The discard phase is awful, it's like detoxing, you really are detoxing from someone totally toxic.

These relationships are not normal. In a good relationship, you don't have to walk on eggshells and worry all of the time.

It takes a long time to realize these things, just take it one day at a time.

You really cannot detox if you're seeing him daily. :(

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838555
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:42 AM on Tuesday, June 4th, 2024

The daily visits make it hard for sure. We’ve talked about it. It’s funny bc we seem to get along better now, but really we just don’t care. Or we are trying to be nice to avoid fighting? It’s really a mind fuck. I keep asking myself "why couldn’t he have been like this before" etc. but I know it’s just an act. All eyes are on him and he’s trying to be the best version of himself. But I know it’s not possible for him to keep up. And as awful as it sounds, part of me likes when he’s here bc I know he’s not out running around. But then again any time he’s on his phone my stomach drops. I know I keep saying it but how is it possible to have "loved" someone for so long, go through all we went through together and huat be able to walk away? I hate being this immature couple that seems to ping pong around.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8838560
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:36 PM on Friday, June 7th, 2024

Hey Elle,

And as awful as it sounds, part of me likes when he’s here bc I know he’s not out running around. But then again any time he’s on his phone my stomach drops.

This is why the daily visits need to stop, these feelings won't stop until the visits stop, sadly.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8838761
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:07 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Yeah I know. I will say each day it gets easier. He was here and our son had his phone and he ran to do something. I could have easily grabbed his phone and scrolled though it. But I didnt. I didnt care to. I didnt want to. I knew that the chances of what I saw making me feel worse weren't worth it. As crazy as it sounds, it felt like a big step to me. I simply didnt care.
It was our sons Bday this weekend, so we went to the beach like we always do, my mom included. It went well for the most part. He spent a ton of money for no reason and I didnt have to worry about it bc It wasnt my problem. But all in all it was a typical Sunday for us. Today he told me that was the happiest hes been in a long time. I told him "Thats a normal Sunday for us. Do you think that it was such a good day for you because you didnt realize how good it was until you lost it? That maybe after 6+ years of repeating the same narrative of "my wife sucks, my marriage sucks" that you started to lose sight of how good it actually was and started to believe all the negative stuff you would say or make up to get sympathy from women?" He didnt say anything to that. I know I shouldn't have engaged in the conversation but I really do think that after years of spinning this story of his life being so horrible, that he really believed it. When we each talk about or marriage it sounds like we were married to completely different people. Our concept of how things were was very different. Hes sent me a few videos for mens mental health stuff and it makes me so angry. Ive told him, asked him, urged him, supported him for YEARS to get therapy, ask the doctor to change his meds, get a new doctor, quit/cut back on drinking, exercise more, trusted him to go out with friends and get that quality tie in with them... and he never would. And now he wants to tell me that hes unhappy and im the cause of most of it. It makes me angry because I know what I did. And realistically, it shouldn't make me angry bc I know what I did. But for him to say that, and to send me an instagram reel of Chris Rock talking about men not getting unconditional love. Its infuriating. Ive been though the trenches with him and he wants to act like none of that matters. That it was what? Just for show??? It's mind boggling.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8839201
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:56 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Ya know, Chris Rock was rumored to have an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith during the filming of Madagascar. Chris Rock is hardly the epitome of fidelity. I might watch him in a movie (without a storyline based on infidelity) but wouldn't listen to anything else he said.

He's still trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. None of this is your fault. It's all on him. He will go to any level to avoid accountability. Please don't listen to him. He's a lying liar who lies.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8839209
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