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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
I have no other options

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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:18 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Lea, I know what he’s doing. Like you said he’s a lying liar who lies. He’s completely changed his brain chemistry about our marriage because of how often and how long he’s lied about it. He’s convinced himself that his life has been this huge disappointment due to other people. He takes no real accountability for his actions or lack thereof. He’s been clinically depressed for years and ever since he started on meds I’ve told him that he needs therapy as well. But he never would. He has huge anger issues. He will say the most awful things just to win and then will want to buy your forgiveness. He’s never seen any of his affairs separate from the marriage, but always by products of it. He had no choice in his mind bc our marriage was so bad. If we went to marriage counseling we could go round and round about who did what to whom. He thinks that he’s had it harder. That he got the short end of the stick. But the truth is he can’t handle being a father and a husband. He didn’t think it was fair he was the breadwinner and responsible for the bills. He didn’t like having all the responsibility that comes with being a husband and father. He blames everyone for his shitty behavior. And each day that goes by that it’s not my problem, I feel the smallest most incremental weight lift.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8839231
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 4:57 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Reading how you describe your STBXWS is like reading about my ex. It must be something with the narcissistic tendencies /disorder that makes them tick like this as though they are brain damaged. You are going to be so at peace and happy to be rid of him when you get to the other side of this. Honestly they are like anchors constantly keeping you down. Now you get to soar!

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8839255
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:53 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

CBS I really think it has to do with brain chemistry. They genuinely believe the lies they tell. They genuinely think that they aren't at fault, at least not totally. Think about how important positive self talk is. Now imagine the opposite. They tell these lies for YEARS. They gaslight and manipulate for YEARS because they really think what they are doing is ok and correct, maybe not at first but they get reinforced by doing it. They get the attention they want. The "oh my God poor you and your horrible wife. Here let me take care of you".I dont think my husband has ever had true remorse for anything hes done or said. I think he may feel sorry after the fact but thats not the same as remorse. Remorse promotes change from within. I dont understand how someone can cheat, much less blame their spouse in any amount for what they did. It's a totally foreign idea to me. So for someone to be able to do it multiple times, but still say they love me, and they are sorry, but not change. It's so hard to understand. But Im just not wired that way. Im trying to teach my daughter that saying sorry means "I'll do better". But I worry shes heard "im sorry" paired with little to no change or follow up by mean words or actions from her dad, that she doesnt even know what it means.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8839260
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:45 AM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

How are you doing Elle

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8840112
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:48 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

Better I guess. Just trying to survive school and work at this point. Still angry about the whole situation but not as much as I was a few weeks ago I guess. Grieving the loss I think. I fluctuate between being fine and being irrationally angry over everything. I know most days Im a horrible mom. I know so many people said they became a better parent but I dont feel that way. But overall im ok. Thanks for checking in.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8842063
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:52 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2024

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling, I know you know it all takes time but it doesn't help to hear that when you're in the thick of it. I don't believe you're horrible mom, I think you're dealing with a very difficult situation and doing the best you can with it. You talked about positive self talk before, are you doing that for yourself?

I can't imagine how stressful it must be, trying to finish school and go through all your dealing with. Please be kind to yourself.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8842137
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:22 AM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Well im slightly mortified. I saw that today my 13yo daughter messaged one of STBX APs. The woman didnt respond thank god. My daughter didnt say anything bad. Just that she had questions and told her if she didnt respond she would call her tomorrow. Im so angry. Im angry that she did that. Im angry that this is my life. Im angry that my kids dont have a better life than I did. Im angry that she is dealing with this. I know that this will make things worse with STBX. Im sure this AP let him know what happened and he will blame me for it. I explained to DD that while I do have my moments of wanting to find this woman and give her a piece of my mind, that at the end of the day it was her dads responsibility to protect our marriage, not OW. Does it suck that there are women like that? Absolutely. But that at the end of the day it was her dads job to stay faithful. I blocked the woman's number on my daughters phone. Im trying to decide if I should even mention it to STBX or leave it alone. I just dont know what to do from here. This woman isn't the most mentally stable woman so there's no telling how she could respond. I considered texting her and apologizing for my 13 yr old reaching out bc it feels really tacky that she did it. Yes I know this woman isn't a pillar of the community, but for my standards in my life it's tacky. Im just not sure if it warrants anything from me.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8842770
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:42 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Please don't apologize to this woman, or make your daughter feel bad for what she did. This is all on her father, not you, not your daughter.

I wouldn't tell him, or talk to him about it if he mentions it. I would just say something like, "I'm sorry your daughter felt the need to understand why you threw a bomb in her life for a hobag. (lol okay maybe not that)

This is really hard on kids, but she should not have to apologize of feel bad for wanting to know what's going on in her life.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8842779
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:00 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

I agree with Nomu… keep her blocked and say nothing. And (((hugs))) to you and your DD. Very sad that she feels the need to reach out to the AP b/c her dad isn’t taking responsibility.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8842790
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:27 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Also agree not to contact her. F her and your STBX it's another consequence of their actions. They should be the one's who feel embarrassed and mortified. Just block her. I feel very bad for your daughter crying the effects of infidelity are so far reaching and traumatic.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8842798
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 8:41 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

CBS you are so right about the effects being far reaching. He wants to minimize what hes done and has always refused to admit that there is any type of work to do with DD in regards to his affairs.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8842812
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:49 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Elle, you need to accept he is who he is. However he got this way this is him. The best thing you can do for yourself, and kids, is let go. Absolutely nothing you can do, or have done, changes another person. It is my guess he will be this way for the rest of his life. You need to look at it as you finally freeing yourself from prison.

It is normal for you to feel terror. You are heading into waters you have not sailed before. I have not looked back to see if you take something for anxiety but talk to your dr. Short term will help you make decisions on practical thinking instead of sorrow and fear.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8842813
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 9:14 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Cooley, I used to take meds but no one will refill them. I havent had them in a few years and Xanax has a bad name now. I hate that he is this person. It makes me sad and question my judgement.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8842816
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:36 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Don't message ow. Let it go.

Please don't be mad at your daughter. She has questions. Those answers need to come from you. Not ow. Not the lying father. You. Tell her the truth. If she already knows the truth, tell her again.

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6774   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8842818
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 1:25 AM on Thursday, July 18th, 2024

Hellfire, we had a long talk today. I told her that OW would get her karma in the end. I probably went into too much detail, about how the universe has already worked its magic on her. She is an alcoholic with a recent DUI and a drug addict that has to have her parents (at 40 years old) pick her up from bars bc she cant afford an uber home. That she lives with her parents out of necessity (unlike us who moved in to help my mom out and take care of her)and relies on everyone around her to take care of her bc shes unable to do so due to her drug and alcohol addiction. I told her that even though it seems bad for us right now, we know where we will sleep every night, that we will wake up knowing we are loved, and that we have control over our lives and dont rely on substances to help us cope. I told her that OWs karma is her everyday life and that a 13yr old texting her is probably the highlight of her day, regardless of the reason. Shes angry at her father which will be our biggest hurdle to heal I think. He doesnt think he owes her anything, and she absolutely hates him most days, as does his older daughter (my step daughter). Im seeing that he has an issue with strong women. Hes a weak man that is easily intimidated. I saw a quote the other day and it felt dead on "Men go crazy when they realize their wives aren't as forgiving as their mothers, and their daughters aren't as forgiving as their wives". This is spot on for my STBX.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8842833
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:19 AM on Thursday, July 18th, 2024

Just remember it's not on you to heal the relationship between your daughter and her father. It's on him. Give her tools that empower her. Let her know that there is nothing wrong with her, over and over again. That's it's all him. If he continues to be toxic and not take responsibility for himself that it's okay to cut him out of her life, if that's what she wants.

Help her to figure out boundaries now, and what is not acceptable and you will be giving her a gift that will last her whole life and in every relationship she goes into. She is worth so much more, teach her that.

I don't mean by talking smack about dad, just more what is and is not acceptable (lies, cheating abuse not acceptable)

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8842837
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:46 AM on Friday, July 19th, 2024

I wouldn't know where to start with all of that. Im just now learning my own boundaries and I feel like Ive been a horrible example of what to do.I dont feel qualified to give any type of empowering advice.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8842884
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:01 AM on Friday, July 19th, 2024

But you're learning Elle, that's all you can do, learn and teach her.

My sister is no contact with my dad. While my mom wanted her to have a relationship for her sake, she has supported her choice. My dad never had remorse for anything he did, nor did he do any of the work, and he blamed my mom for it all. My sister finally just had enough and cut contact. But it was watching my mom grow in her strength and boundaries that enabled us to be strong. (She also did not have this when the split happened.

You are strong and getting stronger everyday, show her that.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8842886
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 4:14 PM on Friday, July 19th, 2024

Elle you are doing amazing.
You are showing your daughter everyday how to heal and make healthy boundaries at a very impressionable age.
Your actions are showing her. Be proud of that and the amazing things you are doing to make a better life for yourself.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20207   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8842946
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