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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
I have no other options

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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:55 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

Well he is gone. He FORCED us to accept he would be here until June 1. After everything we've dealt with the last week with my mom and I trying to rearrange finances for June, he texts me this morning around 11 and tells me he will be moving out tonight. I was pissed. He just dropped it on me with a few hours notice. But fine. Whatever, be gone. I'll figure it all out. He always said I could never do it alone. He said that no one would want me after him. I know hes wrong and I cant wait to show him. But now he wants to be "helpful". He said the would pay the half of the rent if I "allowed him" to come and be with the kids to help with baths and bed until June 1st. I said no, rip the bandaid off and just go. My "time" with the kids will start tonight. But then he started to spin it that I was "keeping his kids from him". I said no, it's just my turn with them. He wants to do all this stuff now that he should have done while we were together, and then I maybe could have been the wife he wanted rolleyes The best part is when I asked him where he would be (it felt like a reasonable question to ask someone you've been with almost every day for 18 years) but he told me it wasnt my business and Id find out soon enough. um. ok. I told him I expect he will not stay with someone who is unsafe for our kids (aka the woman he met the other night who is in active addiction to alcohol and coke). Shes desperate for attention from anyone and I really worry that even speaking with her and hanging out with her will cause problems. You know THOSE girls. Apparently our daughter asked him as well and he said "I know how you ae and you will flip out so Im not going to tell you" so she was worried it would be with that girl or his mom. I told her I trusted him to stay somewhere safe and that im sure its with her god father or his mom. She didnt seem happy with that answer but it was the best I could do considering the circumstance. My brother in law and I were speaking tonight and he asked if I knew and I told him no and mentioned what I had said to my STBXH and that the woman was in active addiction and his response was just WOW. Ok. Im sorry you are dealing with that. I filled out a form tonight for another job and the 4th question was who was my emergency contact. Ive always put my husband. It felt so cruel for that question to be there right then. I know life goes on. And I know this is for the best but damn. Life isn't fair.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836511
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:02 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

It really is not fair Elle, but ripping the band aid off will allow you to start your healing. I'm sorry for you and the kids, this is really tough for all of you. You are better than him, and you are about to start your fabulous new life!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8836513
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:05 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

The pity party side of me says I don’t want to start a new life, I want my old life. But I keep reminding myself of how miserable I was most days. Not knowing how his moods would be (either bc of the guilt from his cheating, excessive drinking, being off his meds, or a combo of all three), how I was always so resentful of how I’d be running around like a chicken with my head cut off while he was playing Xbox. How I would always have a count going in my head of how long it had been since we had any intimacy bc I knew if it went too long, he would blow up. Worrying about his excessive spending and then getting blamed for not helping more financially when I know keeping my own money was the best thing for us. All of that is gone. But also I know I’m losing out on time with my kids (eventually when he starts keeping them). Holidays will be different. The kids are now just another statistic from a broken home. Thinking about all of It makes me so sad. And angry. And relieved. All at the same time.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836572
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:25 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

I'm so happy for your sake he is gone and you can now start the healing process. Take all the time you need to grieve the M. I know that I never missed my xWS but I did miss my kids having a family. Eventually you will come into your own and enjoy life again. Your kids will see it too. I was miserable in my M to xWS and wasn't the best mom I could have been. They see how happy I am now and my time with them is so much more focused on them. Plus the peace of mind you get back. Not having to worry about their moods, who they are cheating with, and the forced intimacy (I too counted the days between intimacy because my xWS would get mad at me too) really it caused me to be repulsed by him and he was coercive with intimacy.


The kids are now just another statistic from a broken home.

I try to look at it this way... yes they come from a divorced home but the home they were in was toxic. Now they will have a stable loving home with YOU ;)

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8836582
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:48 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

I almost feel like sometimes im mourning the marriage I never had but always wanted. I dont know. I just have all these feelings and I hate them. My daughter texted me from school that reality just set in and that she wanted me (not her dad) to pick her up from school so we are gonna go to a girls dinner. I also told my husband that she has her own ideas of where he was staying and that he might need to offer her some reassurance. I think she feels like he picked these other women over her. She feels like her let her down and hurt her mom. Im sure we will have lots of behaviors to work with these coming weeks.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836590
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:33 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

I almost feel like sometimes im mourning the marriage I never had but always wanted.

I did the Grief Recovery Handbook exercises with my IC. I definitely felt grief over the loss of the M I thought I had, over the M I did have, and even the D. There was no way I was going back to XWH, but there was still a lengthy grieving process.

Feel the feels and get through them. I'm glad you & your daughter are going out tonight.

He's picking himself over everybody and everything.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8836601
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:09 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

It is good when the trash takes itself out. Yes it hurts and all the uncertainty is destabilizing. But you are so competent, you have your mom and your daughter, a roof over your head.

re-arrange some furniture, move pictures on the wall around. Make the space feel fresh. It will "hide" the change of him being gone in a good way.

Make sure you have locked down finances and your legal stuff is happening.The roller coaster ride is not over, but you are a lot closer to the end now.

Take good care of you and DD.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8836608
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 9:34 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

Shes a smart kiddo. She knows that he chose every woman over her. And he selfishly said "my needs and wants are more important that anything else". Im trying to work though the feelings. I know it takes time. I know there's a part of me that is hoping for some type of huge apology, groveling, begging, for my forgiveness. But the realist in me knows thats won't happen. Ive had 2 apologies but they were empty.
I noticed that one of the OW changed their profile pic to her mom and kid from her and her husband. So now im wondering if STBXH is shaking up with her in some way. I know it doesnt matter but....it feels like it does right now.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836622
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:51 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

I know there's a part of me that is hoping for some type of huge apology, groveling, begging, for my forgiveness. But the realist in me knows thats won't happen. Ive had 2 apologies but they were empty.

Usually their apologies are empty or they wouldn't have cheated again. My xWS did apologize, beg and grovel but it worked more like a repellent to me. Might be the same for you because there is no taking back their actions, all the lying and the way we were treated by them. I believe my xWS's apologies were for himself and not for me.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:02 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8836629
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:42 AM on Thursday, May 16th, 2024

My mom kicked my alcholic serial cheater dad to the curb. It was really hard for her, she thought she was breaking up our family, but honestly we didn't become a real family until he was gone. My mom is my hero, she is who I aspire to be. I am thankful that she had the strength and courage to do what really needed to be done.

She went through a lot of counseling to figure herself out and then...

Some years later she met a wonderful man who has adored her for more than 30 years now, who loves her more than anything. Her best friend, and the love of her life.

He has been wonderful to me and my sister, he paid for my wedding, he gave me a down payment to buy a home. He has built me anything I asked him too (he's an amazing woodworker). He loves my children fiercely. He is everything I could want in a dad, and I think of him as my dad.

I have read many stories like this on here. As the old saying goes, when one door closes another opens. This is not the end of your story, but now you get to write the story however you want!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8836657
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:18 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2024

Thank you for that reminder nomudnolotus,
I guess it's hard to imagine anything different since ive been with him for half my life. I have not desire to find anyone new. It seems like every man cheats at some point. I have no desire to go through this again. I guess thats part of the process.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836713
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:27 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2024

Im posting here because Im finding myself with my normal downtime at work. This is where we would text back and forth about plans for dinner, plans for the weekend, how our day is going etc. I keep checking my texts out of habit. I hate feeling like Im still waiting for him to reach out even though we are going through this.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836734
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 9:33 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2024

You can go to Off Topic and start a thread and ask about people's weekend plans.

There is a barbecue cookoff competition at our local Famous Dave's and Famous Dave is supposed to be there. A friend of mine is part of the competition, and I'm going to go support him and his team (his family). Of course, the $2 margaritas are a good pull, too. For the kids, there are things like water balloons, face painting and coloring stations planned.

ETA: We also have a thread here of No Contact - Post here.

[This message edited by leafields at 9:35 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8836777
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 7:14 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2024

You know what’s interesting? I work with two other women that are in or just got out of the exact same situation I’m dealing with now. They each have three or more kids. They each work full-time and they each have always been the default parent doing the typical Mom stuff…All the cooking, all the cleaning, all the running around, all the appointments on top of working full-time, being in school, and being a wife . Their husbands all cheated and they all said it was for the same or similar reason of their needs not being met/not getting enough attention or what they felt they deserved in return for what they do for the family (all the men are breadwinners). I see a very obvious pattern here. We have all busted our asses to take care of our family, and it’s been returned with an unfaithful partner. None of them bothered to stop and say "hey she’s super busy with all the things. Maybe if I did some of the things it would help her have. Ore time to relax and we could have the time I’m craving as well". It’s all so selfish and self centered. I know it’s not always men that cheat it’s just interesting how similar me and these other ladies our.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8836899
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 6:08 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2024

I've read a lot of stuff about this Elle, not even with cheating, but just the situation of women doing the bulk of the home work and also working full time. (It's not always the case, I'm not saying that) but a lot of women are divorcing with no cheating just because their husband is basically an extra kid.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8836988
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 11:01 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2024

Yeah it seems to be a common issue now. Back in the day women relied on men as their income. The women stayed home and did all the stuff there and men went out and made the money. Now it seems so many men think their only contribution should be work. Women dont rely on men as much as they used to. In this day and age, it generally takes two incomes to run a household. It should also take two parents to run a household. My STBXH did some work around the house. But when I went back to work full time and we really needed both of us to do drop off and pick up of kids, appointments, sick days etc, it became a HUGE issue. I cried every morning on my way to my new job that first week bc I was so miserable and he was being so awful to me. He seemed to think that even though it was my first week, that I should be able to tell them I needed to leave early/ come in late bc his coworkers schedule was more important. I feel a little more at ease today than yesterday. It almost feels as if something has clicked. He never cared about me. I dont care what others may think about our marriage and what I did to "cause" him to cheat. That speaks more about their character than mine. If he wants to move on fast then fine, thats the next girls problem. I have my focus and he has his. As long as we can work together to keep the kids happy, thats all that maters.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837001
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:21 AM on Sunday, May 19th, 2024

You sound so much stronger in your last post Elle! You didn't do anything to cause him to cheat, and if people want to believe that they are losers who you don't need in your life. I bet you that things actually get easier when he isn't there, because you will be less stressed out. He won't change, you know that. Now you can take the time to work on you and your happy new life with your kids!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8837005
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:40 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2024

Yeah...weekends were especially tough with him. Not always , but often. He was the one that wanted to always be going and doing stuff which, for me is good bc im more of a homebody (until I get out then there for a good time lol). But generally once he got off on Fridays he would binge drink all weekend. His moods shifted a lot. He spent money like it didnt matter, he would usually sleep on the couch bc he would be too drunk to come to bed (and Im sure he was talking to his APs while I was in bed). As you can imagine this led to tons of problems. Intimacy was nonexistent. mostly bc I just wasnt attracted to him anymore bc of everything wed been through on tope of how erratic his moods could be. Also, im certain my intuition was protecting me in a sense. I knew something was up for a very long time and that alone made it impossible for me to want to have any type of intimacy. Hes very handsome and charming on the outside, but once I saw him for who he was, he became so unattractive. He came over yesterday to spend time with the kids. I left for a while until I got a message that our youngest was throwing up. I came home and he eventually left to "go sit on a barstool and get something to eat" but the other kids didnt want to go with him. He was supposed to come back bc our middle has been asking to play this board game we got. The three of us had a blast playing it 2 weekends ago (but if my STBXH tells you anything, it's that we NEVER have fun). Well he messaged and said he was just gonna go home (wherever that is...I still dont know and officially dont care) bc he didnt feel well either. I let our daughter know he wasnt coming back and she just rolled her eyes and asked why. I told here didnt feel well. She already sees through him so much. I almost feel bad for him. Hes ruined anything good he had in his life and hes never gonna be happy until he fixes himself. I know im no walk in the park but damn Im loyal and im committed. I was devoted to our marriage. Did I put in the effort I should have? No, but for many years, since before I found out about the first A, I always felt something was off. I tried to be the best I could for our whole family. Should I have focused more on my spouse as his own individual person? Yes. But when you work full time, have kids and are in school, it feels impossible to have enough time for every single person. And when he didnt seem to value me, I didnt see the point. Anything nice he has done for me for over a decade has felt like it had strings attached. Like he was always expecting something for just participating in the home. At this point have no idea what the new few months or even few days looks like but I definitely have less stress and worry Thani did before.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837034
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:41 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2024

Things will start to change for you. It will be slow but one day you will stop expecting his texts. Or his "apologies" however fake they may be.

You will wake up one day and realize "hey, yesterday I didn’t think of STBXH even once". And you will feel happy and sad at the same time.

Right now you are accustomed to the routine of his chaos and patterns. You expect them to be part of your life and your body is on "alert" for them.

But you can see his manipulation didn’t work. It’s funny how he announces "I’m leaving!" and you don’t argue with him, you just agree. Then he wants time with kid(s) and you decline and SUDDENLY he’s upset. Why?

First you did not fall down crying, begging him to say. Needless to say you bruised his ego. Second, his ploy didn’t work to get a reaction from you so now he needs to further manipulate you and make your life miserable. He’s at his happiest when you are suffering.

Gray rock him at every turn.

Never doubt yourself.

Third, see him for the weak man-child he is. His addictions don’t help. His selfish behaviors don’t help.

You are no longer responsible for him. Turn your back on him and protect yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13971   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8837046
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 9:46 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2024

I definitely think ive benign fight or flight for a long time. Just my weight gain alone indicated my cortisol levels were out of whack. Im absolutely used to the chaos that is my STBX. Even my mom mentioned how quiet the house felt. And I dont think she meant quite in an audible way but quiet in a less stressful way. He had a way of taking up a lot of space but not doing much if that makes sense. If he wanted to do something and I didnt, then he would get angry bc I "never want to go anywhere or do anything". We were always going and doing. I dont have to worry about doing things I dont want to.about him spending money we dont have. the Sunday scaries had been really bad lately but I think I figured out why. It's not bc of work. Its bc he would spend money and drink all weekend and on Monday I would get a text or a phone call about how we are broke and I need to contribute more etc when HE would be the one wanting to go out to big dinners or buying a bunch of stuff we dont need I was the one that wasnt doing enough. I dreaded it. Today almost feels like another day. I dont owe him ANYTHING for once in a very long time. He didnt buy me food, he didnt buy me a random item I said I liked (but didnt want or need), he didnt do anything for ME. So I owe him nothing. It's a dynamic I dont know how I will ever get over. Feeling like anytime someone does something for me, they expect something in return, or fear of accepting something bc it might get thrown in my face later.

Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

posts: 440   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8837062
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