SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It sure is tough to know all those gritty details. I think back now and am kind of glad that I asked the most minimal of questions. To be honest, I did not want all the dirt. I knew that he cheated on me, I found out who she was, and she wanted to me to call her so she could tell me stuff. I ignored her. The fact was.. I knew my pain and there was no way I was going to let her hear my pain or give me more pain by giving her version. I actually prayed for her. I know it sounds crazy to some, but I did. Get busy, make new hobbies together so you have something new to share together. I survived by refocusing my thoughts and shifting channels. Think about others, think about eternity. I will pray for you sista- that these thoughts and these moments pass quickly.

Fof9303

Thank you so much.
I asked a lot of questions and I know me, I know I wouldn't have been able to move forward if I didn't have them as much as they hurt. I am proud to say there were a few questions I pondered on for a few months and realized that they aren't going to help me, they will only cause more damage so I didn't ask.
Putting the timeline together with him showed me that he saw her a lot... it also showed me where he went on his google timeline so there was no getting past that.
When it came down to it, they did two things. It sounds so dumb but they didn't see movies, go to concerts, go shopping they ate and had sex and that was all. A part of me was relieved that they didn't go and do other things together (like screwing her wasn't enough).
A big part of me wishes I didn't need some of the details i asked because now they sneak in my mind when I am least expecting them to. I know that he had sex with AP a lot in the car so now he isn't allowed to get in the backseat to strap our child in the third row. Something about seeing him back there that makes me sick. I was very honest with him about why and he said he understands and will not go back there. I mean the details can give ya serious triggers but I know overtime with IC they will get better, some have already gotten better. I feel like once I named them and asked myself why I was getting triggered, I could fight my way through it.
I am a spiritual person as well and I have tried to pray for her but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate her and I know that takes up way too much of my energy , I can't wait to let that go.

As for shfiting channels I have been a lot better at this lately but I have to change that channel almost all day... :(

Thank you for the prayres.

I have found myself pulling away as time goes on too. It took my WS a full 10 months to really get his head on straight, and in that time, my feelings of romantic love and attraction slowly withered away. We're nearly at 1.5 years now, and I can be cordial, hang out with him and our kid and family and friends, but I just cannot seem to find the attraction. He also thought his AP was his true soul mate because he "never felt so alive before," and said all kinds of stuff like that in the weeks after dday1. AP was a married coworker and someone I had met and even gone to lunch with. She had kids and didn't want to break up her household, otherwise I believe my WS would've left me for her. She was unhappy with OBS, so of course my WS felt like he was helping her. He even said to me, "Is it wrong to want to help someone?" and I was like, "How is having an affair with someone in any way helpful???"

It is interesting how time's "healing" effect on me has been to make me question more and more about how well WS and I would get along in our long term future. I also see his flaws in glaring light, and it is hard to unsee them! For now, we are maintaining a united front to finish raising our kid (3 more years), and he is trying to be a good spouse, but I feel like his efforts aren't quite up to my standards. Even if they were, I'm afraid there's too much water under the bridge for me to recover any romantic feelings toward him.

NoThanksForTheMemories

I am so sorry, I will say my H also said dumb things that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He feels super stupid for them now. He never was going to leave us , his was just and escape but that doesn’t mean that his words hurt any less.

How people can do this , especially in your case?! She went to lunch with you ? Such trash.

I get it. My H got his head out of his ass fairly quickly but I feel like he pulls it out inches more each day. Remorse really is a process for people like them, I didn’t get what people meant on here but holy hell I do now.. it is hard to accept that is what we married.

We still have a lot of hysterical bonding and I’m worried what may happen when that ends. I feel it will be closing soon. I’m a very sexual person and if I don’t feel attracted to him sexually it won’t last.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:41 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

Your WS affaired down with the ap. The ap affaired down with your WS.

In an A, they always affair down.

To R, it's important, IMO, to take in the fact that the ap affaired down with your WS.

A contempt phase is pretty normal. If it sticks around and doesn't go away, R will be very tough. For those of us who R, it doesn't stick around.

To heal, you need to go with your flow. Have faith in yourself to figure out what you want. You can't always get what you want, but knowing your desired outcome is a good start.

That is, knowing what you want is important, but don't force yourself to go one way or another.

To R, it's important, IMO, to take in the fact that the ap affaired down with your WS

Very good point. The WS - any WS - is not a catch. Neither is any AP who thinks a WS is a catch. They're all messy AF. They're all a downgrade. I knew that even in real time. Why that dumb bitch would think he was worth pursuing was beyond me. But then, she could say the same thing about me wanting to R with him. And I look in the mirror and felt that, too, even though intellectually I could see that it was worth giving him a shot. I still felt pathetic sometimes.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:55 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

Sisoon, you’re very wise.
IC is helping me so much. I told her yesterday that the thought of working at this and trying is terrifying to go through the pain of him possibly hurting me again and she said "aren’t you in pain just sitting around stuck in the same place ? Always picking fights and waking up telling yourself you can’t have a good day, you can’t let him think things are ok. What’s the worst that could happen? You still grow and learn and change and heal regardless of the outcome".

That stuck.
I wake up every day thinking I have to punish him, I have to punish myself. I read a book or laugh with him and I Feel good, I forget about things and then I feel stupid. "Girl your H had an affair life sucks" I’m not doing either of us any favors. I have to let go of the outcome or I’ll be stuck forever.

Sacredaoul

This

And I look in the mirror and felt that, too, even though intellectually I could see that it was worth giving him a shot. I still felt pathetic sometimes.

I look at him every day thinking I’m dumb AF. I shoulda let him walk out when he was in his fog. Ultimately he woulda came back a few hours later. Instead I literally fell to my knees and cried begging. Begging for what?

He woulda went to her two bedroom apt with her three kids and did what? Lived happily ever after when his parents woulda let me stay in the house. If I could go back I may have did things differently.

I tell him all the time that I think in order for us to reconcile, he should have to go live with her for six months and he gets sick to his stomach. Because of course he didn’t think of this, but I know that he knows how good he has it now, because he never really gonna be with her it was just an escape, but he should be with her call me petty Betty.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:14 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

Before I knew he was cheating, while he was telling me that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to split up, I cried, I begged, I wanted to "stay together for the kids." It's awful to think about how pathetic I was. I couldn't figure out what was going on with him. I thought it was a midlife crisis.

At DDay, I made him leave because he wouldn't give up the A, but I still wanted him. To be fair, we'd been doing MC for a few months by then and I was seeing huge changes in him - and in me - but it still feels pathetic to want to WIN him back. I wasn't about to let her win.

H and I were talking about her a couple of days ago, after I found my old journal from that time period. I wondered aloud how she saw me then/sees me now. Like, does she think I'm pathetic? He thinks not, that she probably thinks that I won. Based on her Pinterest, I think he's right, but I still wonder. And yes, I know it doesn't matter what she thinks and that I should be working towards that.

NTFTM I actually started to chuckle when I read this:

He even said to me, "Is it wrong to want to help someone?" and I was like, "How is having an affair with someone in any way helpful???"

Just because it is such an absolutely absurd thing to say and perfectly illustrates how messed up their thinking is. This is something my WH could have said as well (actually said something similar). They really are screwed up.

Answering the thread title - I too landed at disgust. I think it's natural. As our self esteem rises and the blinders with our WS's are cruelly ripped from our eyes, the ick settles in.

Like Sacredsoul, my husband thought I was better than him. To be fair, over time, I thought I was better than him too. I had a great career, I was better with money, I was more social, I was the level headed thinker, the more involved parent etc etc etc.

WS told me that he never thought he deserved me and he was certain I was going to wake up one day and think "what am I doing with this loser?"

(He wasn't a loser btw. He had a good job. He was kind, funny and intelligent. He was peter-panish in ways that got old or caused strain but loser, he was not).

His AP was different from me in a lot of ways. He told me he enjoyed being smarter than her. It felt great to be the "leader." I often wondered (and said to him) if they weren't better matched. She saw him as this god of a man who could deliver her the lifestyle she always thought she deserved. She downright worshipped him. He had no fear of her leaving him, like ever. Even when she got fed up waiting for me to divorce him (he told her he would never leave) and started allegedly dating other guys (to get his attention no doubt), he told her that was fine. Why? Because, he told me, he knew one wag of his finger and she'd come running. While sex was his main driver in his mind, the feeling of being worshipped and in control was intoxicating.

So there is the irony. He always thought he was beneath me so he sunk himself as low as he could and made that true. Self fulfilling and all of that.

PS: on the AP blame - when we were in MC our counselor told my WH that the AP shares the blame. Neither are innocent parties. APs aren't innocent lambs. She gave me permission to view the AP as an enemy because under any definition she certainly was. MC also pointed out that I can take my pain and anger to my WS and try to resolve it but we don't get that chance with APs. Not that we'd want to solve it but things remain unsaid. Anger remains unspent. Even if that pain and anger is 1/100th of what we feel for our spouses.

Fighting to win the WS back can be like a dog chasing a car. Now that you’ve caught it…the battle was more fulfilling than the prize.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 3:46 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

Totally normal. You have had a lot of good feed back. I just want to throw out there that this is just another stage of grief. They come and they return many times through the process. Anger comes in to help us move on from our shock, denial, and bargaining.

I am not trying to take away the idea that the anger is so warranted, just reminding you there is a process to it because for me knowing that allowed different emotions to oscillate without driving me completely mad.

My wife told some bullshit ideas she had early on, like she was going to help POSOM with his marriage or even "encourage him in his faith". Not sure how blowjobs and sexting accomplished those lofty goals, but if you say so.

She also got off on being the "rockstar", smarter, wealthier, shit like that with OM. She has always felt insecure and a major point in that is she feels less than me. Of course she projects that out and would say that I demean her (which I don’t), but that just points back to the self love she lacks. I had started to notice how praise from outsiders was like crack to her, but I never would have dreamed it would have driven her to do all this.

Stepping back and trying to take it all in, I feel like I don’t really fully know my wife and what her actions have shown is not pretty. Funny what we see when the rose colored glasses come off.

Hiking out , thank you. The anger and sadness cycle like nothing I’ve ever seen. I hate it.

Ink no doubt. My H was also very needy when it came to needing compliments/ feeling better about himself and he found someone to make him feel smarter, funnier, more attractive and wealthy. He succeeded with her. I also told my H I don’t see him the same anymore and after his A I see every little flaw , how he mistreated and took advantage of me for years. He was extremely selfish with hobbies, time , and things of that sort and I always stood by his side and let him live his best, while I provided and still did everything a stay at home mom should do. Never again will I wear those rose colored glasses with him or anyone. I am very vocal on my boundaries and expectations now. My eyes are open.

My wife’s AP was a friend, so yea, I have hatred towards him and no one will convince me it’s I’ll directed. You don’t screw friends over. He’s thought of as a highly respected funeral home director who is caring. Some know better. He is a serial cheater so in my case, yes, my wife affaired down. WAY down.

Copingmybest

Friends and people that know of the M are literally the worst. I also feel like they are to blame as well. i will always hate his AP , I’m sure as time goes on and we continue to heal I will think of her less, I will never feel anything but hate for her for a long time, if not forever. I don’t think I knew hate before her to be honest. I thought I did….. don’t get me wrong my H was no better. Both were trash at the time.

I have some shockingly good days where I always think about the A but sometimes it leaves the forefront of my mind for a while. Then he comes home or I see him and sometimes I feel that disgust all over again. I hope that doesn’t last forever.

I know how you feel and feeling disgusted is a part of the process.

Some people are eventually able to move past that feeling entirely, then there are some people like me that still occasionally feel disgusted 10+ years later.

I think it important to accept how you feel, and try to understand it. It is just as important to accept that it is "OK" to have the feelings you have.

You have been, and are still, wading through a tremendous amount of shit up to your chin.

There is the initial shock, fear, and acknowledgement, of waking up and finding you have been drug into the cesspool, but after a while, when you realize the other side of the cesspool is way further away than you thought it would be, that the anger and resentment and disgust can really kick in.

You are now at the stage when you are thinking "my husband thought this would be a good idea, when there was a perfectly shit free path around all this that anyone with half a brain could see as clear as day".

This is a lot to deal with.

My FWS was like another poster's spouse, couldn't get enough compliments, so even after the affair was over, there were years of behaviors, lying and otherwise, afterward that compounded the damage to the marriage. Then the revelations of what really had happened. Then she had to "grow up" really quickly, to try to do the work to salvage what she could, etc. by then we were raising teenagers, and even under the best of circumstances that is a challenge, add on her having a mental breakdown in the midst of all this, me working full time and driving the kids and visiting hours and school activities, etc.

All while dealing with her infidelity.

Every one of us BS's has been in that deep cesspool.

Every one of us has never wanted to be there, and I am sure never really wanted to do that to someone else.

So, yeah, being disgusted is the least of negative emotions.

Disgust was one of the major components and after affects from infidelity according to the book "Cheating in a Nutshell." It's not really an R friendly book but does an excellent job explaining how a BS feels after infidelity. So I believe it is a primal bi-product of infidelity. For some it goes away and others it does not.