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I'm not suicidal, but I often wish I could just die. I'd like to believe that after seven years of suffering, happiness waits for me, but that doesn't seem likely. Time doesn't have a causal role in healing, it just does what it does – it passes. I feel my time has passed. I'm not even a half of what I used to be. I don't know is it the trauma, unanswered questions, or my damn good memory, but I can't let the past die. I tried to kill it, but it keeps rising. Like an undead consuming me, piece by piece. And I can't seem to find a silver bullet. WS gave me blanks. Just enough to scare the monsters and to keep me alive, but not enough to destroy them. I'm alive, but I'm not living.

I used to dream. Nothing special, just about having a partner who would reciprocate my love, and with whom I would create something good. Why did he pretend to be that guy all these years since we first met, I don't know. I stopped trying to understand his whys – there're too many unknowns, too much vagueness. The betrayal was just the beginning of the end. It introduced me to Mrs. Reality. I imagine it in the form of the OW – short, chubby, ugly face, bland personality, but enormous power to destroy my spirit. Mrs. Reality carries a bag of disappointments, and always finds ways to remind me that I'm nothing special, that promises are a comfort to a fool, and that wishes don't come true, no matter how many falling stars you catch.

I want to write about my pain. I can't find the words to describe it. Yes, I could always use one of the many words we read here daily. I'm heartbroken, devastated, ruined, destroyed, traumatized, disheartened, disappointed, sad, lost, scared, scarred, hopeless, helpless… Somehow, they all feel empty once you write them down. In my head, my pain is limitless, but words somehow make it smaller, insignificant. Perhaps it's due to strangers who read them with a sneer. They don't understand what I'm writing, or why I'm crying while I'm writing it, or why do I even write this. After all, it's been seven years. Obviously, I haven't read enough books, or talked to enough therapists, or worked on myself. What do you do when you feel there's no self to work on? What do you do when you feel there's nothing left to do? The fight is done. We lost. I'm scared to use the words. Then I remember I don't need the words. There are people here who know. Unfortunately.

I don't know what hurts more – the fact that he betrayed me, the facts about the betrayal, or the fact that he didn't make it right. What I know is that getting the answers took too much time. The price I paid is too high. And now I'm left with nothing. I don't even have all the answers. I should've known better. Perhaps in another life.

For now, I’m just going to say that I hear you and I weep with you in this moment.

I'm approaching 7 years out and I feel and understand your pain.
If someone had told me I'd still be suffering after this long, I would have thought they were wrong.
It takes as long as it takes. We all heal in our own time.
I hope you can feel happy and not suffer anymore.
Please know, you're not alone.
We are the ones who understand your pain and are by your side.

You’re not alone, I’m with you in this pain. It has completely broke me down and I’m a different and better person today. I’m more humble and empathetic, not in a selfish way like I should do good so the universe rewards me, but in a true and authentic way.

Some concrete actions for you. Your life has changed unrecognisably, so make a fresh start. Maybe you move location, change your career or something else. Be radical and brave and make a plan.

If you’re not already, go NC with your WH. Cut him off as much as you can if you share kids. Same with Switzerland friends, anyone you can that links you.

Find a 12 step infidelity program for the betrayed. Do the steps and lean on that support network.

I’m doing all of these things to some degree and I’m starting to slowly heal. Don’t give up.

You're right in thinking that words discount the pain. Folks here, including me, have a good idea of what you mean and know that words don't communicate enough what it is like to go through being betrayed. You're not alone.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:40 PM, Friday, April 5th]

Hannah
I am so sorry for all that you’ve endured in the last 7 years. Your writing brought tears. It is beautiful written and the depth of your pain is gut wrenching.
We hear you and are here to support you.
May you find peace today.

Oh Hannah😭😭😭
Your post has me all up in my feels and I just want to say I hear you and you are not alone.
It took about that long after WH’s A in 2012…at year 7 it was 2019 and our son was graduating HS and heading off to college on a full scholarship. The day he graduated HS I was STRESSED out because what overshadowed the joy and celebration I SHOULD have been feeling was this paralyzing fear that the old AP would be at the graduation. AP’s best friend had a daughter that was same age and in the same graduating class as my son. So it was very possible that at this graduation she would be there too. I was so stressed about what to wear, how to have my hair styled, did I look fat, stupid things filled my head. And at the graduation, I didn’t feel relaxed - I kept scanning the crowd to see if she was present. When the BFFs daughter’s name was called, and her family cheered - I looked in their direction to see who all was there in their group. I literally tortured myself and let AP fill my head that day - I gave her headspace when she deserved none. I was angry at WH because of how I felt that day and how I felt that HE ruined that day for me. Fast forward 3 yrs and some change and what did I get? Another Dday w/ another AP. It’s such a rough road. What has been ripped out from under us seems like it cannot be measured or quantified. It’s a loss so profound and I was just like you, I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t know how to go on living either. Everything was painful. Everything IS painful. I journal - like I will fill up notebook after notebook with words - and use all the words you listed, pain, humiliation, scarred, hopelessness. And I often ask myself am I doing enough to help myself? To be fair, WH has answered all the questions, there are no missing pieces or gaps, I wasn’t TT’d. There was true remorse at that time. But then he did it to me again - re-traumatized me and just ripped open a wound I thought was mostly healed. So I get to jump back to square one and he’s goes back to therapy. I am 16 months out from Dday 2 and the healing is rough. You are not alone Hannah. We hear you.
Hugs.

I understand. I’m four years out, not seven, but I too am surprised at the level of pain I sometimes still feel.

I remember telling my therapist several years ago exactly what you said—that I wasn’t suicidal, but that I wouldn’t mind being dead—would welcome it, in fact, if it weren’t for what that would do to my kids. She told me that this IS actually a form of suicidal ideation called passive suicide. Take it seriously.

"Working on yourself" can feel absolutely overwhelming when you’re in so much pain, so put that pressure aside and just seek out small things that make you happy or peaceful in the moment. At my lowest points the only thing that has helped me is walking in nature or doing something creative or useful (like gardening or crocheting). If you can do just one small thing per day that brings you a moment of peace or joy, that’s something to hang on to.

Thinking of you today. I’m sorry it’s so hard. You aren’t alone in feeling this way. ❤️

I don't know what hurts more – the fact that he betrayed me, the facts about the betrayal, or the fact that he didn't make it right.

I can relate to this.

I remember feeling the way you write in this post. I felt this way right up until I decided it was time to end the M. I couldn't take how I was feeling anymore and I couldn't stand who xWS was.

He was a constant trigger/reminder of destroying my life. I too thought I would never feel ok again or the constant thoughts about the A would go away. I can tell you since deciding to end the M I have felt better in spades. The A's or xWS no longer haunt me and I feel better about life and life is peaceful on my terms.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:58 PM, Friday, April 5th]

Hi, Hannah, I feel your pain as well.

The consensus here is that it takes 2-5 years to heal, I was pretty much on the 10-year plan because although my WH did everything
right at D-Day, the trickle truth (years) sent me into a deep spiral I couldn't get out of. PTSD, rage, sadness, depression (mostly in the long, winter months) and just a general feeling of malaise. I lost many friends because for awhile isolation was my best friend.

I'm 18 years out, and although I rarely think about the A, I'm not the same person I was prior to the A. I don't have the motivation I used to, I do have so many moments of happiness, but that lingering sadness creeps in here and there. Maybe twice a year I have a dream about the A, and I wake up with that same sick feeling I had upon discovery.

I just want you to know you're not alone, sometimes it just takes longer to process the trauma. Life will get better. Take as much time as you need, give yourself some grace, and if you can make a promise to yourself to push yourself out of your comfort zone and back into living as much as you can. I volunteered at an animal shelter for a couple of years and I was able to take some of the focus off of me and onto those helpless pets.

Sending a virtual hug.....

You’ve been heard, friend

Honestly, I have read about so much pain caused by affairs that I cannot believe it is not considered a criminal offense. PTSD, insomnia, difficulties eating, people who after being betrayed lose too much weight and others gain too much. People who have nightmares and that sense of vulnerability that does not seem to fade. So many go to therapy spending a lot of money to try and find themselves buried under so many obsessive thoughts.

No doubt, dear cheaters, you are inflicting so much pain on the person you DECIDED to betray, it should be a crime violating someone’s dignity and willingness to find themselves in a monogamous relationship.

Honestly, I have read about so much pain caused by affairs that I cannot believe it is not considered a criminal offense. PTSD, insomnia, difficulties eating, people who after being betrayed lose too much weight and others gain too much. People who have nightmares and that sense of vulnerability that does not seem to fade. So many go to therapy spending a lot of money to try and find themselves buried under so many obsessive thoughts.

No doubt, dear cheaters, you are inflicting so much pain on the person you DECIDED to betray, it should be a crime violating someone’s dignity and willingness to find themselves in a monogamous relationship.

"After all, it's been seven years. Obviously, I haven't read enough books, or talked to enough therapists, or worked on myself. What do you do when you feel there's no self to work on? What do you do when you feel there's nothing left to do? The fight is done. We lost. I'm scared to use the words. Then I remember I don't need the words. There are people here who know. Unfortunately."

Sending ((virtual hugs))

As for the judgy people who think we need to be healed or should have worked harder to heal or that we should just stop talking about it I say "until it happens to you".

In the meantime those judgmental people need to (insert a lovely British saying here that ends with the word off) as in they need to mind their own business.

I truly am sorry that you are dealing with betrayal. There is no time limit to healing from this. Nonetheless, I do send positive thoughts your way wish you much healing. This is very hard stuff. I personally know.

Hannah
I want to thank you for eloquently describing your pain. As someone almost two years in, I deeply fear what you describe here and I am insanely grateful to members like yourself who have put this fear in me. I am going to choose in light of that fear and get myself free. I hope that you will set yourself free, and I know that sometimes it is not that easy. Prayers for you.

As for the judgy people who think we need to be healed or should have worked harder to heal or that we should just stop talking about it I say "until it happens to you".

Yeah.

I thought I knew, but I had no idea.

As Bob Seger sings in one of his songs; "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then".

What do you do when you feel there's no self to work on? What do you do when you feel there's nothing left to do? The fight is done. We lost.

What is your story, H47. Still married? Seems so, based on your other posts, but I’m not sure.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:55 PM, Saturday, April 6th]

Hannah, I feel your post on many levels. Your description of Mrs. Reality made me cry. I am six years out and although there are good things left in this marriage, I carry the weight of the damage from all the stupid things my WH did in the wake of Discovery. I think I'm most hung up on the way he concealed what was really going on from me for almost two years, letting me believe that the recommitment, hysterical bonding, new M 2.0 version of us was true for both of us. I never had the information I needed to make an informed decision at the time, but always months or years in arears. It still disorients me to think of how many realities I have had to adjust to, or how many lies I have uncovered after so many promises that I had the truth.

The hardest reality is knowing that like you, I can't let the past go, and I can only wait for time to keep passing so it doesn't hurt so much. It's the little things that get me now - not being listened to when I'm telling him something and having him ask me what I jut told him...my mind immediately says I am not worth his attention, I can't compete with the tv or his emails, and then it goes there...I am not worth his honesty, being chosen over the OW, doing the work to help me feel safe.... the same sad rabbit hole. It is draining. I fell down it last night, and it took me hours to move past the emotions that were flooding me. It can take days to move past one stupid pointless conversation or tone deaf response from my negative EQ WH.

I have some chronic health issues that drag me down every day, and the mental issues from betrayal seem the harder burden to carry. My therapist has suggested some of my health issues may be betrayal related, and for some of them, maybe, but not the degenerative arthritis that began a decade before the betrayal. Before, pain was just something I adjusted to and worked around, because there are always good days and bad days and in between days. The betrayal is just there, constant, reminding me every day of the disparity in how we value each other and our marriage. I believed for decades that it was the same, but I have never been so wrong about a fundamental belief. I have worked hard to create an inner monologue that assures me my worth is not a reflection of his negligence, but that doesn't do much to stop the wishing I could have mattered more to someone I gave my all to, through better and worse. I have not found a way to stop loving him so much it hurts. It doesn't help the cynicism and sense of defeat that I will never again feel cherished or loved or respected the way I always hoped and believed I would be. I would give anything to let go of the disappointment and sense of loss, and I can't find a way, at least not yet. I did a huge healing process over the loss of my dad 15 years ago, and I'm working through my mother's death last year in the healthiest way I know how. I feel the progress with those losses, and although I miss them very often, the sadness is nothing compared to the sorrow I feel when I think of what became of my marriage, and the mockery it made of the life I thought we shared. I find my moments of joy and peace every day, but they are fleeting top notes. The sense of loss, the sadness, the scars, they are the bass beat to my day.

My IC thinks I need to just step back from trying so hard, trying to find a way to make this make sense, trying to find a way to reconnect or repair in a way that feels trustworthy, trying to research or talk my way to some destination that doesn't feel so pathetic, and I'm trying to let go of some of that trying. "You do not have a try problem, you try too hard too fix the things that are not yours to fix" and that truth bomb has invited another level of flatness, because I am a fixer, a doer, a process improvement facilitator and not trying my best is not even something I ever considered. If I have learned anything, it is that I did my very very best and it didn't matter one bit, or change anything about where we have ended up. All I can do is accept the shortcomings and stupid choices and warped version love I have discovered in my WH, and try to work with what remains.

There was a thread last year about the possibility that some BS's just cannot get over the hurt, because of the way we love and the way we are wired. I think about that a lot. It is a sad reality for some of us, I guess. I still think of them together, and of what my H almost threw away for cheap thrills every day and every night. I keep waiting to wake up and not remember right away. I have one of those perfect memories for every emotional moment in my life and it is a curse for me now.

Well, enough of my pity party. I feel your pain and your disappointment and understand that there are no adequate words to describe the pain or the damage. I went through this with my best friend, and I remember feeling so strongly that she needed to move on when she was so angry, and I feel so dumb now that I just had no idea, none at all.

I wonder how much my time spent here is keeping my wounds raw or picking at the scabs that won't heal, but I keep coming back just to know that I am not crazy, or unique or alone in this disorienting journey. I hear you and I feel you and I hope for better for us all.

WILA you wrote

"You do not have a try problem, you try too hard too fix the things that are not yours to fix"

Your IC is wise, I think.

I read a really interesting thing about acceptance. About surrendering, not as a bad thing, but a good one. Your husband is who he is, your struggle is in accepting who he is, not in who he is. He is not changing. The struggle is with the acceptance. The struggle is the pain.

So the advice is to accept it. Not to just stop trying to change it, but to accept it as if you chose it. As if it was your idea. Your choice. 100%.

And you do have power to change it. Not him, he is who he is, but you have things you could do. You might think of them all as bad choices, but they are choices, they are 100% yours to make, and every morning you roll out of bed they await your consideration. Every. Single. Day.

WILA (and Hannah) what are your choices available to you, if you were to list them? Ignore the fact that lots of them are really bad ones (no castration please 😬) but you do have choices. What are some?

I was going to refrain from commenting because this was so painful to read and letting a little of it out here is both brave and needed. It elicits more of a “you have been heard response.” And you have. I read that post at least four times, and it broke my heart.

But I am still going to say what’s on the tip of my tongue here - your husband has not been a good rebuilder. You can read every book, do therapy, work on yourself, whatever these judgmental people can point at. But staying with someone who is still abusing you and your goodness is going to keep you from healing.

Truth is, it’s he who should stand in their judgement. He is the one who should be carrying the consequences.

I am going to assume you have reasons to stay that aren’t easy to solve. Maybe kids, financial, or even after all he has done you still feel conviction to try and love him and remain in your commitment. I do not discredit that.

But this is not how life should be. I fear you will never heal while holding in to this man who has ripped your security and sense of self into tiny pieces. And continues to do it to this day.

I am the first person to recognize change takes a long time For both people. And I think the ws as long as they are making consistent progress and is self motivated, is still worth a shot for some period of time if that’s what the bs wants. But this is not that. This is just a man standing there who expects you to get over it and doesn’t seem to care enough about you to make that any easier.

And to be clear even a ws who works their butt off doesn’t deserve a second chance. Those who are given it must treat it like the beautiful gift that it is.

I hope you will consider rebuilding without him. To stop putting your sense of self in his hands to devalue and discard. You are worth so much more than that. In a perfect world, I wish you could just walk out that door and start working towards the life that you truly deserve. I know things are not ever that simple. But, they can be worked towards. Your value isn’t something granted or approved by him. You are divinely loved and inherently worthy, and you have much to offer to someone who is worthy of you one day. This ain’t it, sis. It ain’t it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:26 PM, Saturday, April 6th]