SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, I wanted to thank everyone on this forum, and for especially calling me out on my Bullshit. I do offer sincere apologies that I went off on speaking absolutes and spoke for a lot of members where I had no business doing so. I have really been thinking about everything, and I know a lot of what I said is wrong or very lopsided at best. I’ll keep my posts up because I said it and I have to own it, but I have realized I need to think a lot more about everything.

I’ve been in a bad place, not only is this year 2 and deep in A season, WW made an attempt on her life not to long ago. Unfortunately not the first time by any means, but definitely the most serious and had I not been there, probably would’ve been successful. All the while being told she was doing this because it’s my fault, I won’t stop punishing her, I don’t care about her, that I have to forgive her. I do know that this is messed up and she needs help. Working on getting serious treatment for her, but it’s a complicated situation.

We had a fight before this attempt, and I told her that her A caused me to fall out of love and I’m still disgusted with her. Brought up that the morning I came home after being overseas for 9 months i know she slept with her AP, I came home 8 hours later. That exploded and we ended up sleeping in different rooms. Then I hear her sobbing. Went and checked on her and that’s when i discovered what was happening. I intervened and was being screamed at to leave her alone, this is my fault, this is what I wanted anyway so she’ll do me the favor. I know I will be told that I should have called 911 and all that, but I have my reasons, and I am not asking for advice on how to handle it. If it happens again I have no choice and will have to make the call.

Things have been really bad since. A lot of "you don’t care if I live or die, if I had died how would you feel without forgiving me," and just a lot of similar things. I know it’s manipulation, and I’ve been withdrawing to protect myself. I had hoped we were going to be a unicorn couple, now I’m sad. I’m not leaving, D isn’t really a viable option anymore. Probably why I’ve been so bitter lately. I see so many people here who have done the work, who have really changed and are thriving. Especially those who successfully Rd, both WS/BS.

I had hoped since WW had done a lot on her own that she could help herself. Plus I see that I have my own very specific hang ups that only I can work on, but I don’t know if I can. Not from lack of trying, because I am, but I can’t get over the sex, especially when she chose AP over me, and then the few times where she was with him first then me. Never was it reversed. I am in IC, and support groups, all of that. I’m also a CSA survivor and dealing with what happened to my son has opened up a lot of wounds (thankfully it didn’t get that far with him, what happened was bad enough).

Thank you to everyone here who offers sincere advice and support. I am probably going to take a break for a while as I feel I’m lashing out and not really offering help at this point.

You are more than forgiven. I know I can say that from anyone pointing it out. I know I personally wouldn’t have taken the time to say all I did if I didn’t want for you to have a better understanding.

It’s just probably better to say you can’t get over the sex and you know other betrayed spouses share that problem. It is a hang up many many have and relate to. And it’s VALID. So valid.

I have no hard feelings and didn’t even before you posted this. You are safe here. I just had to speak up because I knew you didn’t know how it was sounding.

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I could tell you are having a hard time. Best wishes for peace and healing.

Also I don’t think you were lashing out. I think you should stay and keep posting. Sorry if I beat you while you are down. You are teachable and that we can work with!!!

Oh and ps I made more than one public apology in the heat of my situation. You are not alone.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:09 PM, Friday, March 15th]

As someone who has triggered,and posted, I've put my foot in my mouth a few times.

You're dealing with a lot. Be kind to yourself.

If she knows divorce isn't an option for you, I fear you will have a lifetime of her manipulation and abuse.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:49 PM, Friday, March 15th]

Like the above have said, you’re dealing with a lot, be kind to yourself. Don’t over blame yourself. I, too, had to save my WS from attempts on her life twice before. The second time she hung herself in the livingroom and I had to get her down. She almost succeeded. The kids were sleeping in their bedrooms.

I had to come to the realization that I’m only a bandaid, and the real issue is that she needed actual help. Her coping skills equal to avoiding or running and feelings of helplessness which lead to this particular "resolve" in her mind. I didn’t call the cops that time, instead I along with some of her family members encouraged her to go into treatment. She went in that same day, cried that the reason for her attempts was because she would never be with me again, and Y’know what? I had peace in knowing that as distraught as she was, she was in just the right space to get help and that she would be watched for a while as she processed her challenging emotions.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing all of this. It’s a hard journey.

Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself. Your feelings are valid, and remember that we are not responsible for others emotions - never take the blame for how others feel, that’s theirs to carry and resolve.

You are dealing with a lot, don’t be too hard on yourself. Year two is so tough, I remember feeling like I’m drowning every second of the day and wishing I wouldn’t wake up anymore.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, please take care of yourself, I can’t say it enough but IC is a blessing during these times, if you aren’t in IC I highly recommend it.

Please keep posting, HINHF. I think you likely need the support now more than ever.

I'm so sorry that things are so rough for you right now.

No apologies necessary HINHF. Truly.

To be honest, I wouldn't have wasted my time writing the essay that I did to someone I didn't think was capable of hearing it. I don't know your story super well but my impression of you as a poster has always been that you seem reasonable and empathetic. I think it takes a brave person to be able to look at themselves and own their biases and be willing to change their mind when faced with new information. You have my respect.

I also have respect for anyone vulnerable enough to share their personal struggles here, publicly and in real time, and to open yourself up that way. I wasn't really brave enough to do that as much - at least here - in the early days when my resolve was shaky and I felt like I was drowning half the time. Thank you for trusting us with that. You obviously have a lot on your plate right now. Please be kind with yourself. Based on your story, I'm going to venture that you likely don't have a partner that has been open to patiently or calmly hearing about your trauma. Your earlier reference to Cluster B symptoms also makes a lot more sense to me.

A lot of "you don’t care if I live or die, if I had died how would you feel without forgiving me," and just a lot of similar things. I know it’s manipulation, and I’ve been withdrawing to protect myself.

This sounds really hard.

I am probably going to take a break for a while as I feel I’m lashing out and not really offering help at this point.

Offering help is one way to use the site, but getting help is another. I'm glad you have IC and support groups, and my hunch is that you are more comfortable in the helper role than the helpee role, but I agree with Sacred when she says that it sounds like maybe this is a time where YOU could use the support here. If you need a break from here, we will understand, but I kind of hope you stick around.

I wasn't here until about two years of MC, if I would have come here in the first few weeks, God knows what I would've said!

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! It’s like the trials of Job!

Did this suicide attempt happen before or after your son disclosed OM’s abuse?

I haven’t read it, but I’m assuming you didn’t talk shit about me Sounds like I have a little reading to do. I just have a bit of a crisis myself

That is some seriously heavy shit you are dealing with. It’s hard to even give advice into that. Even so, from my vantage point, even though she is literally blackmailing you with her life, even so, you don’t have to be held hostage by that. I know it’s complicated, but you have an invaluable soul too. Do your due diligence to do what you can to preserve her life (as in call 911 the next time she even remotely infers self harm) and let her deal with the consequences of her own self destruction. You know I’m no big talker, I fucking know it’s hard as all fuck, but you can’t be blackmailed to stay in this. If it’s not of your own free will, this will destroy you, or that I am sure.

I’m so sorry to hear of your further trauma of CSA. God be merciful. You have a damn hard hand here. For you to be posting an apology here, you are a man I would love to be friends with, more than just these messages. You have a great admirer in me, and I pray God eases your path soon and sustains you until then.

First, I wanted to thank everyone on this forum, and for especially calling me out on my Bullshit.

I think ALL of us have had this done to us a time or two ! That's the BEAUTY of the site...we all come from different backgrounds...different lifestyles...and different perspectives. But we all have been in infidelity HELL at one point...and are trying to help each other out .

Thank you to everyone here who offers sincere advice and support. I am probably going to take a break for a while as I feel I’m lashing out and not really offering help at this point.

LASH OUT...RANT...RAVE...I always say that whatever HELPS the BS to HEAL...as long as it is legal ...DO IT !! The General Forum is the best place to do the ranting on here...and if you put RANT in your Title...people get to rant right along with you !!

There will come a time when ranting won't feel good anymore for you...but until then...stay on here and rant away . Maybe though...you might want to give a little bit of leeway on saying absolutes .

On a serious note...on the 9 years I've been on here...I have probably read about 5 or 6 Waywards from this site who have committed suicide . Even more have attempted it. Please be careful with those manipulations from your WW. That brokenness inside a Wayward that causes them to be weak in their morals may cause weakness in other areas as well. NONE of this is your issue to fix Dear Sir. Your WW will either find her STRENGTH to seek HELP...or not. But YOU aren't responsible for ANY of this...SHE IS.

Thanks you guys, I appreciate everything. Hikingout, you weren’t beating me when I was down, no one was. A lot of really valid points were made and i realized that maybe I didn’t actually know what I was talking about. I was right about a few things, but a lot I was wrong and I have no problem admitting that. Like I said, I’m not going to delete my posts, but I will own my mistakes. Takes me a little time, but I do know when to admit that.

Things are still difficult. The guilt trips about me caring if she lived or died have calmed down but still have a tension. It’s really frustrating, I have legitimately saved her life due to serious medical issues 4 times. With her attempt recently I’d probably say it’s been 5 times now. During the A she also had a major medical emergency, and of course I brought her to ER, made arrangements for kids to be taken care of, still worked a 10 hour day, took care of kids/dinner/house visit her at the hospital, only for her to keep seeing AP. She came home on Sunday, I made arrangements and had to go out of town next day for work, and she was in APs bed that morning. Actions speak louder, but for some reason mine are falling on deaf ears.

HF- D isn’t viable because 1st, she can never get a job where she could support herself/kids on her own. Not because of her work ethic, but because of other problems. Puls, due to my work, I’ve been gone a significant amount of my kids lives, and now that I have had a major career change, I’ve been able to reconnect and spend so much more time with them. I just can’t stomach the idea of being away again, even with 50/50. Also, deep down I do still love her, and i love our family complete. When we are good, it’s amazing, and seeing our kids thrive and grow and feel safe has given me some of the best memories of my life. I don’t think I can jeopardize that, not yet at least.

Blue-

It happened after the abuse situation came out. I still believe she didn’t know, but as I said I am a CSA survivor, and actually was almost same age as my son when I was attacked. A lot of his behaviors post abuse mirrored what I went through, and that slammed me hard when I put it all together. That was also part of our fight. I do believe she had no idea, but because of what happened to me, I was furious at her for blaming him and not even considering that the A (which he also knew about and was why shitbag AP targeted him) was causing the problems. That opened another can of worms. I didn’t say anything kind or productive. My parents didn’t know what happened to me but they also didn’t help me at all when I went from straight As to failing and having to go to summer school among many other problems.

SacredSoul,

Thank you, I am glad we can have discussions and disagreements but not take sides or personal. You and HikingOut have given me so much perspective, and I do have to say from a woman’s point of view on affairs, it has really helped me tremendously.

HNHF I am so sorry that you're going through so much, I don't have much to offer, accept that I also think you should keep posting. I don't post a lot, I've never been brave enough to post my story, but I do read everything, and I see the wisdom, empathy and true caring many of the long time posters have. I can see that many people care about you here, and I hope you can use that to bolster your own strength through all this.

Ink,

Not a thing about you. More of just me and my biases. I’m a more traditional guy, I did 20 years in the military, vast majority of only working with men, plus I grew up with the boys don’t cry mentality. I still have it, and I still have my own beliefs, but I understand now that it’s no where as one sided as my own personal experience is. I did four tours in Iraq, and I saw a lot of stuff, but I also know personally three dude who murdered their wives over cheating. Never mind that they were cheating left and right, all three of them. I also know one dude who killed AP. Far as I know he wasn’t cheating, but when he came home and found out from his neighbor, well he snapped. That being said, it’s very one sided and I’m learning that what I grew up with isn’t necessarily reality.

W2BHA,

I don’t know if she has the strength. If this was the first time maybe, unfortunately it was the first time where she would have been successful had I not intervened. I do not believe her, nor do I take responsibility for her actions. I’m just sad, among many other feelings. The blaming me, demanding forgiveness and everything else only shows me that she still has a lot to work on, and clearly is scared of losing her grip over me. It breaks my heart again, because I was hoping she could be genuine when she says she loves me. Now, I wonder if it’s more if she needs me to love her because she hates herself.

Your post was triggering and upsetting on multiple levels for me, so I’m going to try to keep this post as straightforward as possible.

Your wife did not really intend to kill herself; if she had, she would have a chosen a time and place where there would be no opportunity for anyone to save her. She chose the manner and circumstances of her attempt to maximize drama and to get the reaction that she wanted from you, which was for you to come to her rescue and focus all your attention and emotions on HER pain and suffering rather than the abuse she inflicted on you and your son and the abuse that she facilitated by bringing POSOM into your home.

As I’ve said to you before in your post in the R forum, I don’t think you are able to get divorced until your kids are 18 or are old enough to choose to live with you because she cannot be trusted alone with them, both because of her clear mental health issues and her taste in men (other than you of course).

Regardless, you should insist that she check herself into a mental health facility as soon as possible as a requisite for reconciliation.

You and the kids need space to process your own emotions and a break from her bullshit. She needs more help than you can provide.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:52 PM, Sunday, March 17th]

Blue,

I won’t go into details, but she really was trying. I do agree that it was more of "I’ll show him" and she wanted to make it my fault as much as possible. From what I had to do to intervene I believe she would have been successful if i hadn’t. Yeah, I agree that she probably expected me to save her, again. It’s a huge mess.

Its difficult. I had to be gone so much for work, often months at a time, and I trusted her to handle everything, and for a long time she did an amazing job of it and we were such a good team. Then, she decided I wasn’t doing enough and had an affair, and here we are.

Sorry for what you’ve been through. Your wife’s attempted suicide is deeply troubling. It must have been so traumatic for you. It sounds like WW needs a lot of healing for herself. I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you’ve endured.