SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here, sorry if I get any of the abbreviations wrong!

D-Day was just before Christmas, it had been physical twice that I know of (may be more, I have had zero disclosure beyond what I’ve discovered for myself, everything has been minimised). I was open to R but there was much gaslighting, manipulation, guilt tripping, blaming me, defensiveness, anger - horrific. He three times showed me evidence of going ‘no contact’, and each time, resumed contact again almost straight away. I am fairly sure there is still contact - there is absolutely not transparency, and other things that don’t add up. Plus, they work together closely and there have been no efforts on his part to change that situation.

Anyway, I lost all patience after the second time I found out they were still in contact and asked him to move out. He is begging to come back, totally wants to R (even tho he’s not doing the things he would need to do for R to work!) is telling me he misses me, is trying to get me to agree to MC. He was, however, doing all this before the third time I found they were still in contact, so it means nothing.

I feel like I am done. But I don’t know if three months in is too soon to get to that place. We had what I would have described as a good marriage, although with hindsight I can see he always had a tendency to lie & manipulate to his own advantage. I am very aware that R is reversible and D is not. There’s no massive rush to D, other than I hate this sense of limbo and want to take some ownership over the whole shitty situation, plus it will give me some self respect in a situation where he has treated me with absolutely no respect (some of his behaviours during the A were truly incredible) We have been married 12 years and have two children in their early teens, of whom I am the main carer. Financially I would cope with D, and I feel like I would emotionally, but I am aware I may on some level still be in shock, and worry how hard the reality may hit me. But the idea of R seems utterly impossible to me at the moment, I have lost all respect for him. I am having IC too.

Thoughts? Help!

Welcome to SI! I'm sorry you have reason to be here, but I'm glad that you found us.

I am very aware that R is reversible and D is not.

D is reversible. You can take steps now to leave him because he's not behaving correctly and change your mind later. You could even go all the way through with D and then date him again if you deem him worthy.

Financially I would cope with D, and I feel like I would emotionally, but I am aware I may on some level still be in shock, and worry how hard the reality may hit me.

I think you might find a lot of peace in getting out of this dramatic limbo. I didn't D, but I did separate when my H wouldn't give up the AP. It was painful, but I'm guessing it was likely far less painful than tolerating being treated poorly. Because your H isn't keeping his word to go NC or do any of the work, I would absolutely recommend separating with an eye on D.

There is no such thing as too soon or too long. Only you can decide. For some, they know right away it is a deal-breaker or see that their WS is giving them nothing to R with. For others (like me) it takes longer. One thing that is consistent is that pretty much everyone says they know when they know. When the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying.

Also, you can D and then get back together if he pulls his head out of his ass and commits to changing to a safe partner.
There are folks here that have D’d and remarried and D’d and started dating each other again. Also in many states D takes months, so up until the final signature, you can stop the D process at any time.

So you decide when you decide. No sooner.

I recommend you talk to lawyers to understand what D might look like and get your ducks in a row. Won’t hurt if you aren’t sure yet or if you R, and it will help you feel more in control.

I’m sorry he is still cheating. You do deserve better.

I don't know of anyone who regretted getting divorced too quickly because of infidelity. I do know of plenty of people, myself included, who regret wasting years of their precious lives by choosing to believe the lies of a cheater.

Most importantly, if he's not doing the things that are required for reconciliation, then reconciliation can't be an option. He's given you nothing to work with!

You've already offered the gift of reconciliation 3 times... and he's spit on it all 3 times. There is no reason to second-guess your decision to divorce.

If the affair is continuing despite his continued promises to R, I am not sure what other choice you have.

Just be sure you don’t mean it as a threat. Otherwise you lose credibility and the second you "reconcile" and the "coast is clear" the affair will resume.

When I told my H I was D him after months of his demanding a D and changing his mind two days later, I meant it. I had everything in place and I told him to leave and planned to meet with the mediator just after the new year.

I did the hard 180.

He knew he pushed me too far. I was civil but very careful to not engage and listen to another round of empty promises.

Worst Christmas I ever had. Spent most of the day in my room crying in bed b/c I was so broken. However in front of him I was put together and calm and sure.

Thanks everyone! Yes he’s certainly given me nothing to work with so far. I mean, who knows, perhaps he has really ended contact, but I’ve got no way of knowing and there’s not the transparency I’d need to even be half way sure. He’s done nothing to resolve the situation of their still working together.

Truthfully I’m not hating being S. It brings me peace. What shatters my peace is any kind of interaction with him, which triggers me terribly. The thought of R at the moment brings me somewhere close to panic. But I don’t know if it’s temporary.

At the moment, I’ve set a kind of deadline in my mind (a date with significance for me - more than weeks, but not too many months) and if he hasn’t made a few really substantial changes by then I think I’ll start moving towards D. I mean, even with the changes I might move anyway, but I can always reassess if that happens. That gives me a plan of sorts has made the hell of limbo feel a bit less hellish and aimless.

I wish someone could come come along and tell me I’m doing it ‘right’. I know it doesn’t work like that though!

I suppose there’s just that small part of me that remembers how good it was once - not even that long ago. That’s hard to let go of. The hope is the killer.

But… but… but… I know that marriage isn’t coming back. It’s not even just the A; it’s the other behaviour I’ve seen in him that I just don’t know if I can ever unsee

Hello Like.

I am so sorry you are here. This is a trauma of the first degree.

First let me say that there is no absolute "right." Right is what works for you. Right is what gets you out of infidelity and on the path to healing and a happy life.

Some folks can achieve that with their spouses and rebuild a new marriage. Some can't.

Second, creating distance between yourself and your spouse is smart. So very, very smart. You might have heard of the 180 which is a practice of detaching from the marriage/spouse so the betrayed can heal and get their footing before deciding on next steps. Most folks attempt that while living with their spouse. That is very difficult. And often leads to lapses and failures that set the BS back.

Actual separation is healing for you as evidenced by how it is making you feel. And right now that is the priority. Not the marriage, you. You feel more peaceful when he isn't around. Lean into that. That tells me, at a minimum, that he creates so much chaos and pain that being around him is detrimental to your healing.

I separated from my WH after Dday2. I can tell you that my healing went from 1 to 100 following separation. The space, the peace, the "no new hurts" was everything.

He's chaos right now and he needs to figure his shit out or spin himself into total destruction - whatever he chooses. You don't need to go along for that ride.

See an attorney about your rights. You might want to formalize the separation to insure his financial support. If legally separating doesn't help him pull his head out of his ass, your decision just got clearer.

Once you have legal docs protecting you, perhaps try 30 days of no contact with him. See how that feels. Again, putting more and more distance between you and his chaos can only help you.

I mean, with how terribly he treats you once he got caught, doing nothing to even change it (i.e. not doing the bare minimum of cutting contact with AP), and the fact that he's spouting false promises all before you caught him a third time - he's neither R material nor a safe partner.

You've already caught him 3 times. Pardon me for sounding harsher than the other replies you've gotten so far, but do consider how many more times will you catch him before enough is enough?

It's never too early to decide to divorce. I wish I'd pulled the plug immediately. We were in false reconciliation for about 2 months. I told him he had 6 months to get his head out of his ass. But after 2 months, and he broke NC with his AP, I changed my mind and filed. I now personally feel that each BS should immediately file. You van always pull the D paperwork, OR you can reconcile after the D. If a person really wants to change to be a trustworthy partner, they'll work on that regardless of whether you D them or not.

The fact that you feel happy and relieved with him out of the house and out of your face is proof enough that you’re making the right decision.

It’s pretty clear that the only thing that’s actually holding back is simply the timing and the pace… you pledged yourself for life so of course you’re going to second-guess yourself.

But again, I’ll reiterate what myself and others have said already. You gave him multiple opportunities to turn this around. You know for a fact that, even as he is begging to take you back, he’s still contacting and screwing the OW.

He’s made the choice to leave him very easy.

Actual separation is healing for you as evidenced by how it is making you feel. And right now that is the priority. Not the marriage, you. You feel more peaceful when he isn't around. Lean into that. That tells me, at a minimum, that he creates so much chaos and pain that being around him is detrimental to your healing.

Those are very wise words and led me to have a big cry (in a good way). The priority right now for me is me, not the marriage. I know that’s something I’ll need to remind myself to come back to. Thank you.

You gave him multiple opportunities to turn this around. You know for a fact that, even as he is begging to take you back, he’s still contacting and screwing the OW.

Well I mean I don’t know if for sure. But I completely take your point - I don’t NOT know it. Given he’s promised to cut contact before (to the point of showing me the messages he sent CUTTING contact, before unblocking her number & phoning her up to ‘apologise’ the moment he had a chance) I certainly don’t NOT know it either. I don’t see how I can ever not know it. The fact he’s swearing blind he no longer is (like he swore blind he wasn’t the previous three times) means nothing. Rationally I’d put good money on the fact they’re still in contact. But then he looks all offended at the suggestion and I end up doubting my own judgement. Six plus months of hardcore gaslighting has really played a fast one on me.

You've already caught him 3 times. Pardon me for sounding harsher than the other replies you've gotten so far, but do consider how many more times will you catch him before enough is enough?

Oh I know, you’re completely right! I suppose there’s part of me that thinks, on the back of a long (ish) marriage and two children, three months feel like too quick to move to D, like I’m somehow not giving the marriage a fair chance. Not helped by the massive guilt trip he’s giving me about it (more gaslighting). But I KNOW it’s not my fault. After all, what chance did he give the marriage?

Just… it’s one thing to know something, another thing to really feel it!

I moved pretty quick to D after D-day.

1. 2 days and I confronted him. Had an appt with IC scheduled that day. Asked him to go stay somewhere else so I could get my balance back. (We rented, no issues with abandoning the house.)
2. The next day he left, walking down the street pulling his suitcase - poor thing. I'm sure he got around the corner and OW picked him up. He stayed in one of her friends' vacation homes.
3. Within 2 weeks he and OW were obviously on dates in town so I had to tell DS why his dad wasn't at home.
4. 5 weeks after D-day I filed. He picked up the papers at the Sheriff's Office.
5. 1st court date within 4 months. Then he had the OW chirping in his ear so he stared dragging it out.
6. D final 9 months after D-day.

I was fortunate(?!) that there was no false R. He never even asked for it. I knew that the A was a deal-breaker for me especially when I found about a previous one. I never gave up my sources. Maybe it was an exit A; he and OW did get married within the year after D. I hate seeing them around town.

It was scary but DS was almost out of school and while I was nervous about finances within a year I was able to buy a house, save money and feel secure. Funny that I also started to feel better physically once we separated; that calm was good for my body.

Not a single friend or family member said I was moving too quickly. They could see how much better I was without him.

I just wanted to share my story - everyone's is different. I don't regret my speed a moment.

If you are looking for permission and evidence to justify D...you have it. My heart goes out to you. Sticking around is excruciating and exhausting and I've just become weaker with time making D feel more difficult.

I was open to R but there was much gaslighting, manipulation, guilt tripping, blaming me, defensiveness, anger - horrific. He three times showed me evidence of going ‘no contact’, and each time, resumed contact again almost straight away.

It is always the behavior after A discovery that usually kills the M. I know it did for me. Agree with the others there is no such thing as how quick is too quick. Some BS's know on D-Day that they want to D and they go through with it. They know the A is a dealbreaker for them.

It's hard enough having to get past the discovery of an A but when you have more lying, gaslighting, blameshifting and continuous breaks of NC with the AP it makes it impossible to trust the WS.

I stayed too long because I was worried about breaking up the family. My kids were so young at D-Day 1 & 2. When False R hit I knew immediately I wanted to D but of course he lovebombed me and begged me back. I stayed in limbo for another 5 years to my detriment and our M was just a mess. I no longer loved him or respected him. I didn't care to work on the M or be nice to him we fought like cats and dogs. It was at that point I decided to leave. I wish I would have left after D-Day after the first broken NC.

For someone trying to get through each day there is a simple thing you can do that should help. Have a spiral notebook. On the first page write down the most important thing you must do, I.e. get tested, then write the next most import and so on. As each thing gets done mark through it with yellow marker. You can read it but you know it is finished. Then go to the next thing and do that. Don’t look at the big picture because it is too overwhelming. Whatever you did not finish on the list then start a new page tomorrow. Put the date on each page. This gives you a sense of small successes and keeps you focused when your mind is all over the place. As you get more organized you will add things to do. Bills get paid on time. Kids get picked up etc. The focus is to look at the most important thing and just do that…then go to the next one. The rule is just do the next thing. It is that simple.

There is no such thing as too quick. Each person is different so each person has a different timeline. My ex cheated. I set boundaries, NC being one. He broke NC within 2 months. I filed and had him served when he returned Stateside. That took a few months preparation, but I called and made appointments the very first business day after I discovered said breakage of NC.
Some choose to waffle about receiving further abuse and trauma because they are stuck in either denial or fear or both. I've just never been good with letting people hurt me or disrespect me. Did I have hopium? Yes on some level, but who doesn't. I was alao afraid, it had been a long time since I'd been single. But I still chose actions. It gave me a semblance of control back when my world seemed like it was spinning out of control. I figured I could always change my mind before the judge signed off on those papers.
After all of his crazy, I now feel that the sooner you file for D the better. 1) You see real quick if the remorse is genuine. 2) If it's not genuine, those D papers can't come quick enough. 3) If the remorse is genuine, you still have nothing to lose because nothing prevents you from reconciliation after D. You can always get remarried. Besides, it shows your FWS you meant business. Besides, you might find you like being single and are better off without the dead weight.

It’s not the affair that kills the marriage.

It’s the behavior after Dday that does.

"Also, you can D and then get back together if he pulls his head out of his ass and commits to changing to a safe partner.
There are folks here that have D’d and remarried and D’d and started dating each other again. Also in many states D takes months, so up until the final signature, you can stop the D process at any time."

This is well put!

I personally wish I had acted to protect myself much sooner.

Hello LikeairIRise, sorry you’re here. I haven’t been on here in a long time. Dday for me was 10 years ago. But your story sounds similar to mine. WH kept begging me to stay, crying and making promises. I was open to R but I said I needed full disclosure. Well he kept lying. And it was like a light switch for me. I was done. I told him I wanted a divorce. And I should mention that all this was about 1 month after Dday. It was absolutely the best decision I’ve ever made. I also thought we had a good marriage. With great kids, friends, good jobs, a great sex life. But in hindsight Ive realized how poorly he actually treated me. When I filed for D, dating again was the last thing on my mind. But I’ve had some very good relationships, and a ton of fun! I’m in a great long-term relationship now with a fantastic guy now who treats me well. You deserve your freedom too. Your WH doesn’t respect you but you can respect yourself!