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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
WH Wants Separation after Failed (limited effort) Reconciliation

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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2024

BSPhoenix, good job on detaching more from her. Personally I think it's a mistake to not fight for everything that you should get. Play the long game, but of course you have to do what you feel is best for you.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833647
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:07 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2024

good

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:47 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833700
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:50 AM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

I have an autistic daughter so I get that, you have to do what's right for your family!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833739
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:08 AM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

So,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:48 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833752
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

Hope you see this before you tell your kids this evening. Your WS sounds slightly….odd. You are definitely right that you both need to align and work out what you are going to say.

Personally, I would sit both children (I think you have two?) down and tell them together. A word of warning - all of mine burst into tears at the word divorce, even the littlest one who didn’t know what it meant but saw the others crying. It is terrible and awful but you go into parent mode and get through it.

Have your answers ready re who will living where, when any changes will happen (ie when one parent will move out), and reassure them that they will continue to see both parents and that schools will stay the same. They will be overwhelmed and that is normal.

It is crucial to be ready with an answer as to why. And the most important part of that answer is - it is nothing to do with you children. It is not their fault in any shape or form.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833777
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 3:06 PM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

And….I’d be inclined to make it clear that if she messes this up in any way, you will go for 50/50. Both parents need to be delivering the same message.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833778
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:45 PM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

Telling the kids is inevitable and IMHO the sooner the better. You can bet your last cent that they have sensed something is wrong, and careful disclosure to them can help them understand that it’s not THEM that are causing a rift and realize that mom and dad will still love them.

I have heard that when people sign up for a Psychology degree that a third are there to seek help on their own issues, a third because they don’t know what they want to become, and a third because they KNOW they want to be psychologists. I’m guessing your wife is in the first 2/3rd...

Regarding custody. It sounds a lot like you two have intertwined the divorce AND custody.
Two separate issues...

Divorce is the division of debts and assets from the marriage.
Custody is how to share responsibility for the kids upbringing.

When you walk into whatever form of resolving this you decide on you already have AT LEAST 50% custody. It’s only you and your negotiation skills that can change that.

I also encourage you to realize that whatever you negotiate now will probably be valid for years to come.
Your kids needs and requirements though are only what they are now, now. Like your 11 year old – his needs at age 14 will be totally different. Keep that in mind. You might think that NOW it’s better your wife have the kids 60% of the time, but that won’t necessarily be true in 2-5-8 years. Instead I suggest you two work at settling at 50/50, with maybe a clause where for the first 2 years you agree that they spend more time with mom or that you accept a temporary extra child-support payment to reflect that it’s agreed she get’s 10% of your time with them.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8833785
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 4:08 PM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

Hope yo

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:48 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833790
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

Te

My ex is

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:48 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833791
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, April 18th, 2024

How did the talk go BSPhoenix

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833878
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:07 PM on Thursday, April 18th, 2024

How did the talk go BSPhoenix

Harrowing.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:49 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833901
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:33 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

I'm so sorry it was heartbreaking for you and the kids BSPheonix. Stay strong and just be there for the kids, that's all you can do.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833948
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 11:29 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

Poor poor little things. It’s just so much for them to process. I recommend giving the school a heads up that this has happened, both so that they can keep an eye and also so that they can give the children a bit of grace if they are a bit touchy. If the school has a counsellor it can be worth seeing if they can offer some sessions to the children just to check in.

Don’t be surprised if the children ask questions and repeat them over the next few months. One of mine repeatedly asked the ‘why’ question - at under 10 years old I was not about to say that XWH used sex workers - but I also refused to lie so it was difficult to give an satisfactory answer. I think it is also important to acknowledge that this is a big change and that they are allowed to feel rubbish about it.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833977
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 11:34 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

Also, if the children know any other divorced families it can be helpful to point to them so that the children have a tangible idea of what divorce actually looks like (and also don’t feel ‘different’). For example, my daughter’s best friend spends alternate weeks with her mum and dad. It was helpful to have that concrete example as in my FOO divorce is virtually unheard of.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833978
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

Thanks Perdita1.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:49 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8834075
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:01 PM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

Gently...

Kids model their behavior a lot on what they see...

I find the reactions very dramatic.
Are the two of you (or maybe your wife) overtly dramatic in your confrontations?
Huffing and puffing... Quiet treatment at the dining table and all that?

Please – focus on creating an environment of content. Where your kids see you are happy with the decision, that it’s going to go through and that it’s not the end of the world.


NO divorce talk between you and WW with kids in the house.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8834134
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 10:06 PM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

Thanks for asking BSPhoenix. My kids are generally fine now (it’s been over 2 years since we told them). They are doing well at school etc etc.

My XWH and I (and my extended family who the children and I see often) make a huge effort not to disparage either parent to the children. The children talk naturally with my parents and siblings (and me of course) about what they’ve been doing with daddy. My XWH and I interact regularly about child matters (hard for me, good for the kids). The children call me when they are with him and vice versa. XWH and I attend things like school events together (again, hard for me, nice for the kids).

Now, this may all change if / when either / both of us bring new partners into the mix. But one step at a time…

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8834153
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:03 AM on Saturday, April 20th, 2024

I find

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:49 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8834186
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:50 PM on Saturday, April 20th, 2024

kjh

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:50 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8834211
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 9:33 PM on Saturday, April 20th, 2024

Wellll….I suspect the relevant traits will be laid bare at an appropriate time. I do not intend to lie to my children should they ask ‘why’ at a time when they are able to process the truth (as a factual matter and obviously without the nasty details).

The kind of thing I’m thinking of: I have an old friend (now in his 40s) whose parents divorced when he was under 5. Mother left father for another man. Father eventually got a new long-term partner. Friend grew up splitting time between the parents, and still sees both. However, it was only when my friend was in his 20s that he sat down and had a long talk with his mother which made clear what had happened all those years ago.

Why do I want the truth to be known? Well, I don’t want the children to think that their world was blown up over nothing. And I want them to know that if they find themselves in a similar situation that they can walk away and survive.

Apologies for the tangent. Do update us on how the weekend is going for you BSPhoenix.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8834226
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