Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
WH Wants Separation after Failed (limited effort) Reconciliation

default

Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 11:35 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

It sounds like your lawyer is saying, possibly from experience, that this mediation isn’t going to work. And if that true, that’s ok. Not all mediations work out. In that case, it might be best to cut your losses (it costs money to have lawyers sit in on mediation!) and file. You can always have your lawyers make ‘without prejudice’ settlement offers during the process and hence avoid an actual hearing in court.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8835504
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 6:11 PM on Saturday, May 4th, 2024

It

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:53 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8835659
default

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:29 AM on Sunday, May 5th, 2024

It's not really worth trying to convince her friends of anything, they are her friends and will most likely believe her unless they have experienced infidelity.

It only matters if she tries to say this to lawyers or the police. Of course tell people the truth of what she did, but worrying about trying to prove something to friends is not worth the frustration.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8835688
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:23 AM on Sunday, May 5th, 2024

It's not

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:53 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8835693
default

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 3:16 PM on Sunday, May 5th, 2024

Did you keep or take a picture of that list that includes coersive control?

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8835703
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:00 PM on Sunday, May 5th, 2024

Did you

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:53 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8835709
default

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:26 AM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

It makes sense when you explain it that way BS, and I can understand why you would want to prove that she did say it. Such a nightmare with your WS.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8835725
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 6:53 AM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

It makes sense

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:54 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8835732
default

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:40 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Make sure you keep that recorder on at all times. Work on your grey rock and only talk about children and finances. When possible do this through email and text. I hope you get out of this nightmare soon BSPhoenix.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8835735
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Thank you🙏

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8835741
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:00 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Ever heard the famous quote that goes something like:
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!

Well... That same applies to what your wife is doing right now with her comments to friends and family. I think you are making a very big mistake in partaking in that discussion in any way or form.
In fact – the very thing that you confront her about it could be considered controlling.

In some ways I wish the coercive control laws were as draconian as you make them out to be. Having witnessed so many cases of domestic abuse I guess there are several dozen people I would have happily sent to five years in prison. But they are not. You need such excessive behavior, documented and corroborated by police reports and expert confirmation that they are relatively seldom enforced. If they are then it’s usually to be able to add to a sentence for good-old-fashioned domestic abuse. Your wife telling a court that you refused to make her a sandwich and told her the pink dress made her ass look fat... no... won’t even get you a minute in the Can.

What she tells others...
Well... Frankly friend – I find this big need from both of you to share with others how terrible the other is bordering on naivety. Divorce isn’t a popularity contest. You don’t get a score for everyone you convince that you are the good guy and she the black witch. The scores aren’t tallied up and one of you "wins" divorce. If asked why then yes, don’t hide that her affair(s) are a key factor in your decision to divorce, but there isn’t any need to get that printed on a t-shirt. Go through this with dignity rather than sling mud to equal her distribution.

If she does cross some line then yes, consider suing her for slander. Only keep in mind the relatively high bar required. Honestly – the friends that want to believe her are probably friends you don’t want anyways.

Friend – FOCUS ON THE DIVORCE.
That divorce isn’t won or completed by having the most friends pushing her to take action. That divorce is completed when YOU push YOUR solicitor to do what’s needed.
I know UK divorce law a bit from helping a couple of posters through that process. Unlike a lot of US states the process is pretty straight-forward regarding debts, assets, pension and such. I’m guessing your solicitor could give you a pretty accurate final outcome guestimate in less than an hour. With that in mind you could listen in on one mediation session, and if she’s far from that guestimate you simply press for a court settlement.


Regarding a VAR: Be very clear if recording without consent or knowledge is legal in the UK. I think it is legal for personal use, but once you share it with a third party it’s illegal. As strange as that sounds then if you are recording and she then accuses you of domestic abuse, sharing the recording with the police might turn against you, and even support her claims that you are controlling. Instead – have the VAR device at the ready and if she get’s agitated display it while clearly stating (so it’s recorded) "I am recording this for my personal safety. I fear you might make some false accusations and this recording can help me protect myself. You have been made aware that I am recording".

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8835742
default

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:23 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2024

All these people you're trying to convince that you're not a controlling abuser? It doesn't matter if you keep your mouth shut or if you deliver a 3-hour long PowerPoint presentation complete with testimonials from experts on coercive control supporting your claims of innocence... you're lucky if even one remains a friend or acquaintance when the ink is dry on your divorce.

The people who know you well, love you, and value you are not entertaining this nonsense. You don't need to convince them of anything and your wife probably knows better than to talk to them about anything in the first place.

The only feelings and opinions that you should concern yourself with in the long-term are your children, and in the short-term, the judge/magistrate who will be presiding over your case.

So stop wasting time and energy on people that don't matter at all.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:28 PM, Tuesday, May 7th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8835803
default

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2024

Did you keep or take a picture of that list that includes coersive control?

I think FunHouseMirror means that list that Gollum made that included a bullet point about coercive control. Did you keep a copy?

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8835831
default

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 9:23 AM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2024

Sacred Soul is correct. She's been planning this for a long time and some of the things on that list are concerning.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8835878
default

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 10:33 PM on Friday, May 10th, 2024

How are you doing BSPheonix

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8836225
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:37 AM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Hi, I wasn't clear.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:54 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8836339
default

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 11:15 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

This is the list we're talking about:

So, I 'discovered' a note of hers (information is power) from early Nov last year (a week or two before my vasectomy). Here's what it states:

1. What are my rights if husband refuses to leave?

2. He probably has a right regarding contact given he's classed as a primary carer.

3. Not aware of all his financial info but his mum's house will be left to him in will.

4. Background regarding coercion

5. Timelined emotional affair, had access to emails and bank account.

Now WTF is number 4?! OH, MY, GOD...

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8836392
default

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 11:17 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

She's very dangerous to you. It would be a good idea to have cameras in the home, too.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8836394
default

 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 10:44 AM on Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

Hi @SacredSoul33.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:54 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8836417
default

Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 11:38 PM on Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

This is very concerning behaviour. Keep your lawyers in the loop at all times. They may have advice on steps you can take to protect yourself.

As for her message about the children being distressed - I’m sure they have been if they are being taken by her for random sleepovers. They really should stay in the family home during term time weekdays for their school routine.

If mediation is over, it’s time to get going with the court process. Do you have a plan re living arrangements (ie can you agree who, if either of you, will keep the family home)? If the family home is to be sold and proceeds split, check with your lawyer whether it makes any difference if you stay living in the home or not (I don’t think it makes a difference in the uk) and if not I’d be looking to rent somewhere big enough for you and the children if that is viable financially (it is likely that the rental costs would effectively be borne equally between both of you as you’d be using martial assets to pay the rent). Having one of her relatives or friends around at all times sounds like an absolute nightmare, and could easily escalate. Another alternative might be what I’ve seen referred to as ‘nesting’ - the children stay in the family home and the parents move in and out depending on who’s time with the children it is. I’m assuming that she could stay with her parents or sister on her ‘off’ days, would you have somewhere you could go?

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8836480
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240712a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy