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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
WH Wants Separation after Failed (limited effort) Reconciliation

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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:17 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

Hi Perdita1, yes,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:55 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8836537
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 1:20 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Hey BSPhoenix, how are things going? Are your children on school holidays next week?

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8837681
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torn2bits ( member #28376) posted at 5:29 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

I am sorry you have to go thru this but you need to take care and protect.yourself.as others have said here.

Make sure you have access that are only in your name and get your financial situation straight where she can't clean you out. Keep good records.

This is emotionally hard and individual therapy can help along with your regular exercise.

Your children know your there and they know who takes care of them.

Everything is going to be ok. This is not for the rest of your life. Don't allow her to tell you how to lice YOUR life.

Sounds like you have a lawyer to protect your rights.

Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

posts: 1282   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8837834
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 2:36 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

Hey, thank you.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:55 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8838012
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Fantastic ( member #84663) posted at 6:16 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

She said it's not good for her (always her) mental health staying under the same roof as me, since she needs to be able to grieve the end of our relationship

Funny how people can try so well to twist things to their advantage. If her mental health is so at risk , why doesn’t SHE GET OUT OF THE FAMILY HOME? SHE IS THE ONE WHO STRAYED AND HURT YOUR FEELINGS and now is she playing the victim role?

When she wanted to stray she knew where to go. Why doesn’t she go to her AP pr a friend’s home?

Also using the children to blackmail you by saying she would take the children away is not legal! They are yours as much as they are hers but their home is where they are. If she thinks of separating, she knows where the door is.

Make sure your lawyer is protecting your right to stay in the family home and be prepared because it will be a hard battle with your wife. How sad and selfish!

[This message edited by Fantastic at 6:24 PM, Tuesday, May 28th]

posts: 147   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2024
id 8838034
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:46 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

The fact that she has "chaperones" in the house is actually a good thing for you, BSPhoenix. You're never in a position where you're alone with her without any witnesses, all of whom your solicitor could bring before a judge to testify under oath before a judge, if necessary. In order to keep up good impressions with other people, your wife will be on her best behavior and is less likely to try to goad you into an altercation that could turn sideways for you.

And no, there will be no making child custody or visitation arrangements in advance. She wants to go to court? Go to court. Stop trying to negotiate with a terrorist.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8838036
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 1:13 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

"Stop trying to

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:55 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8838513
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:09 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

BSPheonix

See my tag-line? It’s a quote from a Stoic philosopher. I think he also is said to have said something like:
"A dog in a leash tied to a cart heading for Athens can strain at the leash but will still end up in Athens."

Basically – you can fight against things you can’t change but will still be dragged through them.

I mention this because there is so much distrust in your posts (from the very first...) for the legal system and the process of divorce.
Friend – you can change attorneys on a weekly basis, counter every meeting, dispute all issues... but eventually someone wearing a black cloak will bang a gavel and you will be divorced within the framework of the laws in your area. You will eventually be in Athens, and it’s only your decision how tired you will be from straining against the leash.

I am NOT suggesting you capitulate. Since you are between attorneys then consider this:
If you are in the USA or Western Europe there is bound to be a fathers-right group in your area. Contact them and ask them to refer you to an attorney in your area. That way you should feel assured you have someone up-to-date on the correct processes to ensure your rights.
Be ultra-realistic. The 64/40 is generally because of classical gender-roles the mother is the prime caregiver. YOUR situation, the age of the kids... this can all impact the decision.
If your kids are young (like under 12) then MAYBE a 60/40 is OK if the mom is more at home or has less need to work (as in because of spousal support and child-care). That need can change once the kids get older so consider a more flexible schedule (like you concede 60/40 for now, but revisit after 2-3 years).
I can promise you this: During the confrontational period of divorce a parent might think they want the kids all the time... Only to realize being a single parent, being tied at home, no weekends, no adult-time, no me-time, no advancement in career... sucks... That’s when they start asking the ex to take them an extra weekend and all that.

Accept the system. Accept the slow process, the legal cost and all that. No – attorneys do NOT want to gather billable hours unless necessary. Usually that need is based on frivolous demands rather than encouraged by said attorneys. Ask to get an overview over billed hours regularly and question anything you think wrong, don’t waste hours in frivolous questions, try to gather your questions to ask at once (send 3 questions separately = 3 hours, ask all 3 at once = 1 hour). Ask if a paralegal can do some of the ground-work (cheaper hours...).


Finally I want to share a story:
My daughter married young and after 3 years they divorced. Nice enough guy and a great father to my oldest grandkid, but their marriage was IMHO doomed from the beginning. They lived in a rather remote town and my daughter wanted to move to a nearby city. He refused that the kid change address. Distraught my daughter did what daughters ought to do – call dad.
I contacted a good friend who is a divorce/family attorney and he promised to look after her. About 4 months later my daughter phoned crying, complaining that the attorney didn’t do a thing and there was no change. I called my friend and after some small-talk he said "Bigger – I know why you called. Your daughter isn’t happy with the inaction... Well... I have ensured all her rights. The dad can’t change the kids school, address, claim benefits... nothing... without her consent. This isn’t my first rodeo and give it 1-2 months and they – as parents – will reach a consensual arrangement without legal intervention."
He was correct more-or-less to the date. This was about 15 years ago and my daughter and her husband, the ex and his wife, are the poster-parents for successful coparenting.

I guess what I’m trying to get across is that once the confrontation of divorce is over, once the scabs start to heal, you and your wife could reach a better (for the kids) arrangement.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8838519
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 3:01 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

Hi @Bigger,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:55 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8838522
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