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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
WH Wants Separation after Failed (limited effort) Reconciliation

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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:25 PM on Thursday, March 14th, 2024

Man,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:41 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8828820
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 11:45 PM on Thursday, March 14th, 2024

You absolutely should go to medical school! Age has no bearing :D I went back to school twice once in my twenties and once in my forties, and it was actually easier than when I was younger because I was far more organized and all my life skills were useful! The best revenge is a life well lived!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8828885
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 10:24 AM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

I keep

-

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:42 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8828924
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:39 AM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

I want to warn you about some behaviors/thoughts I note in your last posts…

Divorce is confrontation. Even in the most amicable divorces there will be issues of dispute. Some of them minor – like the decision on what car each gets – but some of them will be more major. Don’t add to the issues with unnecessary confrontation. Cooking an extra piece of fish is not the big issue.
If the issue is that she takes services for granted or you don’t know if she’s eating with the family or not… Then clarify that. But doing two loads of laundry because you aren’t going to put her jeans in with yours and the kids… nah… not worth the hassle.
In fact – it can be a good idea to have a defined plan, like you cook evenings but she cleans up after the meals, or you cook and she does the laundry, or that you have alternative days to tend to the kids and can do whatever you want on other days. Sort of prevent the situation where you are going out next Friday, the same day she’s going out.

Keep in mind this is temporary… The goal is that in the VERY NEAR future you live separate lives.

Then the comment about to 300 quid letter…
You previously mentioned that any arrangement made at date of separation is set in stone.
Well… how is a separation defined? In my neck of the woods, it can be when a formal separation agreement is signed, OR when it’s provable that you no longer reside together. For all sorts of legal reasons it’s seldom enough that one party sends the other an email.

Maybe that doesn’t apply in your area… But that’s why you pay the solicitor. You want EVERYTHING on the table. EVERYTHING clear.
I don’t advocate making things harder than necessary, but I have heard of too many do-it-yourself divorces where you might get dealt a collections letter 12-18 months after you think you are divorced, simply because that credit-card she was supposed to pay was originally issued to you as a married couple with combined financial accountability. A solicitors job is to ensure all those lose ends are tied up, and that service can well be worth the fee.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8828925
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 1:01 PM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

Thanks for your input.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:43 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8828931
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:14 AM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

You're doing great Pheonix, this is really hard stuff. Just try to detach as much as possible. I know it's really hard to do that, but the more you can, the easier it will be for you.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8829196
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 1:29 PM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

@nomudnolotus,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:43 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8829231
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:22 PM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

Knowledge is power Pheonix. Make sure you always have that var on and on you. I don't know about where you are, but where I live inheritance that hasn't happened is not part of the marital split.

Keep a very detailed log of what you do for and with the kids and the time.

Good for you, for getting out there and picking up your hobbies!

You're rocking your way to a life free of infidelity!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8829237
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 9:45 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2024

6th

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:43 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8829311
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:32 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2024

It's great that you are thinking about the positives that are going to come. It's still hard, and it's okay to have days that are wishing for something you thought you had.

You are right that it's a roller coaster, so keep trying to fill your days with exercise, healthy eating, time well spent with your kids and planning for the future.

You got this Pheonix!

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8829315
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 9:56 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2024

So,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:44 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8832548
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:19 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2024

UK is different for sure, but at least in the states the general reality now is 50/50 custody unless one parent is unfit. If she was a SAHM, maybe she would have an argument, but you will also have one that that was a choice that you as divorced parents can no longer afford. What argument does she give for the 70% asset split. 50/50 is the norm there also. I'd discuss with your solicitor how likely her demands will be met and what is the typical. I wouldn't give her anything more than she was entitled to unless you get something in return. EG, it can be advantageous to pay more up front for less on-going expenses due to inflation.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8832551
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:54 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

From reading other stories it seems like 50/50 is the general rule in the UK for parenting and assets.

From a solicitor site in the UK:
In the UK more so than often, when a divorce or separation takes place both parents maintain joint custody of the child which means that a child will spend half of his/her time with one its parents and the other half with the other.

She can ask for the moon, but that doesn't mean she'll get it.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8832589
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:59 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

Also, make sure you don't just show yourself as "fun dad" in mediation. Like make sure you show that you do homework, cooking, have them helping with chores if you do that sort of thing.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8832592
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 3:08 PM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

Again,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:44 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8832635
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 9:06 PM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

I'm glad you're feeling more confident BSPhoenix, some waywards are very delusional about what's going to happen. It looks like the starting point for asset split is 50/50 then they take various things into consideration, welfare of the kids being the main one but if they have the welfare of the kids in mind they wouldn't leave you with only 30% of the assets. Have you spoken with a lawyer about any of this yet?

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8832698
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:12 AM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2024

Re spoken t

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:44 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8832750
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:41 PM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2024

I hope she does for your sake.

When is your mediation?

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8832765
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Fantastic ( member #84663) posted at 4:21 PM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2024

Sunday - WH wants ME to move out asap. Having me around makes her cry more she says and, she doesn't want the kids to see that. If I don't move out asap, she says she'll take the kids to her mums.

Sorry but I don’t grasp it. If she is the WS, why should YOU LEAVE? Why should she take the kids to her mum? Can’t she leave and the children stay with you? They are not her "property", they have a home and a father who didn’t stray. She can go.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2024
id 8832795
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 9:14 PM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2024

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:45 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8832844
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