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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
WH Wants Separation after Failed (limited effort) Reconciliation

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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 11:44 PM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2024

Hey BSPhoenix, been reading through your post. Glad you’ve got legal advice.

I have a friend in the UK who I think was in a pretty similar situation to you, in that both parents worked and did childcare. They ended up splitting custody 50/50 - one week with one parent, one week with the other. Assuming your children are old enough to go without seeing a parent for 7 days, I’m inclined to think that should be your starting point. Also, if custody is 50/50 I don’t think child maintenance needs to be paid. The more custody time one parent has, the more child maintenance the other parent has to pay. Just something to bear in mind.

The thing with your 3/4 split is which days, and how that is split between weekends and weekdays. Generally it is expected that both parents get a chance to spend time with the children on both school days and ‘off’ days. So I guess you might be looking at Sun-Mon-Tues with you and Wed - Sat with her? Unusual, as it means there is never a whole weekend in one place, but if you both agree the court won’t interfere. Just a note from my experience though - my children really didn’t like moving during the school week. It was disorientating for them. Think how your kids might react.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8832868
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 12:13 AM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

Oops, was typing out a long message and then hit delete by mistake! But in summary:

- future inheritance is irrelevant

- marital assets are usually split 50/50 unless one or the other had significant assets pre-marriage

- assets can ‘exchanged’, for example, if she gets the house, you get an equivalent value in other assets (eg other smaller properties you both own)

- 50/50 child custody = no child maintenance (and hence 50/50 on any school fees if applicable)

- if you’ve taken lower paying jobs for childcare reasons that really helps your custody argument

Assuming both assets and child custody are 50/50 the only really big remaining legal issue is spousal maintenance. But if you are both working on broadly equivalent salaries this is likely to be little to none.

Other things you might want to think about re children (and which you might want to use to ease her into agreeing rather than fighting):

- alternate Christmas’s and / or other significant festivals

- alternate birthdays

- minimum time before introducing new partners to the children (I think 6 months of dating is quite usual in the UK)

- agreeing not to call any new partners ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ (if this is something you are concerned about)

- anything else that is important to you re the children’s upbringing that you could put into a parenting agreement (eg religion, languages, therapy).

Hope that helps a bit.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 12:17 AM, Wednesday, April 10th]

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8832873
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

Sorry, one more thought. If mediation fails, has your lawyer given you an estimate of:

- costs of going to court

- time that is likely to pass before the court will get round to hearing the case (likely to be several months)

- if finances become the sticking point (happens very often) estimated cost of a private FDR?

If your WW is being completely unreasonable, pointing out the costs to her (in money and time) of dragging this to court might help her focus.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 12:30 AM, Wednesday, April 10th]

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8832874
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

I don't think going to court would cause trauma for the children? Usually the children don't go to court unless they are old enough to have a say which I don't think your kids are?

I think you should fight for 50/50 not settle for less. I think that's worth going to court for.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8832887
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 9:40 AM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

This is

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:45 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8832900
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

Tangent: she bought me home some chocolate from a weekend away with the kids and in-laws ("I was in a shop and thought you might like it"). Weird. Moderate guilt? A 'softener' before the mediation begins? Who knows?

I wouldn't eat that if you paid me.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8832959
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:53 PM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

You and me both! I gave it to the children!

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8832970
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 11:32 PM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

If it goes to court, the children will be 'interviewed' alone in school. That would be peculiar for them. If the judge isn't happy with the responses from those interviews/questionnaires, further, more-involved sessions can be ordered. So, I don't mean they'll go to court per-se, more that there will be an impact born of the process.

I'm thinking that 50/50 should be trialled and, if there's a problem with adjustment in a given period of time, then whoever gets to keep the family home has them 4 days (I would reluctantly surrender that to my wife, just to mitigate the risk of things dragging on). I doubt that she'll go for that, sadly.

I think you should prepare yourself for court if you don't give your ww everything she wants.
I know here in Canada they used trained psychologists and children's lawyers and try to make the process less traumatic for them.

Would giving up time with your kids benefit them in the long run? It sounds like you do a large share of the childcare and they would miss out on that.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833004
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 5:45 AM on Thursday, April 11th, 2024

nd, yes,

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:46 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833047
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:38 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2024

You're doing great BSPhoenix just keep documenting. Make sure you're also taking care of yourself, this is hard to go through.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833066
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 7:50 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

Hard

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:46 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833374
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 8:41 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

It’s hard. Really really hard. Remind yourself who she really is and then try and distract yourself tonight. Just get through the evening. Tomorrow is another day.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833379
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 10:48 AM on Saturday, April 13th, 2024

Having

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:46 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833426
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:19 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2024

Anything can make her more unpredictable, so you have to do what's best for you. I would be telling people the truth myself, but if that doesn't feel good or waiting feels good than you should do that.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833472
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 10:53 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2024

I would keep it short with mutual friends until after the mediation. Something like ‘she had an A’ or ‘there was infidelity involved and I’m struggling’. No need to get into details just yet if you think that will anger her unhelpfully, but still protecting your reputation.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833486
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 11:34 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2024

Thank

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:47 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833488
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 8:56 PM on Sunday, April 14th, 2024

Glad to hear she’s being more reasonable re childcare arrangements. Do you have a mediation date set?

What ‘reasoning’ is she giving for the separation?

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8833515
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 10:39 PM on Sunday, April 14th, 2024

Reasoning includes:

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:47 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833521
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:12 AM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

I would stop discussing any of this until you get to mediation. You should look up grey rock and do that except when discussing kids and current finances. She's still trying to lay blame for this on you. Just ignore all that.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8833533
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 BSPheonix (original poster member #72159) posted at 12:35 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

I

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:47 PM, Friday, June 7th]

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2019
id 8833547
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