SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. For you to have had a great time with her then read what she wrote…. Is she lying to both of you?

How does one move from office friend, customer, neighbor etc and start having sex? I don’t get it.

You deserve so much better. If you want to R please hold her feet to the fire. She needs to UNDERSTAND exactly how awful her behavior has been. No rug sweeping.

I hate to point this out because I know how painful this will be. When he said "I hope you didn’t fuck him" she did not lie to him. She told him the truth. She could have lied to him and said that you didn’t have sex due to a headache. But she told him the truth. Then she said that she thought about him while f*cking you. And she will claim she was telling what he wanted to hear. If that were true she would have lied about f*cking you.

She's going to lie to her parents,and make an excuse for your absence.

If it were me, I'd call them and tell them exactly why you won't be there.

After all..if she's sorry..and if she wants to attempt reconciliation, she needs to start getting real honest, real fast. No more lies.

So very THIS.

PLEASE demand she tell her parents the unvarnished truth. You need this whether you D or R. She should inform your family as well.

Let me add, telling her parents the absolute truth,isn't about punishing, or a form of revenge.

It's about taking responsibility, and accountability. It's about knocking her out of her "fog." It's letting her know you will absolutely not tolerate one more lie from her.

All ws must become very honest,if they no longer wish to be a ws.

If you allow her to lie to her parents, it sends a clear message to her..that sometimes it's ok to lie, to save face. Don't think she won't lie to you as well, if you let her think lying is acceptable, in any circumstance.

Of everything youve posted, this was so hard to read:

We had a wonderful evening with incredible sex that night. As I laid there with her, I remember thinking that all the abuse, all the pain, all the years of longing for someone to just care about me was worth it if this is where I ended up. I drifted off to sleep feeling like I was the luckiest guy in the world. According to the time stamp, shortly after I went to sleep, she had the following text exchange with her AP.

AP - I hope you didn’t fuck him tonight

WW – Sorry, I had to. If I didn’t, he might have figured something was up

AP - I know, but I still don’t like it

WW – If it makes you feel any better, I pretended he was you the whole time.

AP – That’s my girl

This is evil and sickening. Its abusive.

I want to share something very personal with you. I too had a wildly unstable childhood. Moving every 1 to 2 years for no reason. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse was the norm in my home (when we had one...were homeless for quite a while). All I wanted was exactly what you described, a marriage where I was loved and cared for as much as I cared for and loved her. To build that kind of caring loving home for her and my children and worked like a dog to make it happen. Only to find out that she slept with my then best friend. It was shattering and I dont use that term lightly. Some of the details like youve described made it so much worse. I cant bring myself to even type them here.

I freely admit that my upbringing was a trauma multiplier. I came out of the marital betrayal with a further warped soul and did a lot of things wrong, like toughing it out for my kids. I should have cut that cancer out of my life immediately, but I chose the way of prolongrd pain,maybe because I was so used to it. Maybe because I was desperately trying to hold on to "the dream". It was a bad place to be. BTW, my first wife knew all about my upbringing and it didnt give her one moment of pause to do what she did.

Ive come a long long way since then through years of hard work, good therapy and the love, committment, respect and loyalty of a good and deserving woman. Together we have built that which Id always dreamt of, just much later in my life.

That said, please listen to Hellfire and others advising you not to keep her secrets. Tell your in-laws exactly what is going on. They need to know.

Finally, as Ive said before, lying traitors are almost impossible to deal with. Its like treading quick sand. There is nothing about them that provides a firm enough footing to be able to regain your bearings. This can only happen through detachment and distance that the 180 and grey rocking brings. I hope you take it to heart and can avoid the prolonged pain I subjected myself to. I truly do.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 10:34 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

I just kept thinking over and over again, how in the fuck did I get here?

You may never really know the answer to that. Some WS are not really aware of their "whys". It took my FWS years to really understand hers.

From reading here, I know there are a lot demands I should make, but in all honesty, If I think I’m going to D, what’s the point of setting up all those hoops for her to jump through?

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to make demands. Your marriage is dead. You can't go back, she can't undo what she did, said, texted.

You can end it, build another, or let it languish on like a zombie (which my marriage was for years).

FWIW, so much bullshit gets said in affairs I would just chalk the texting up to that. Ego boosting, bragging, etc. affairs are gigantic lies. My FWS was no different, I am sure. We didn't have texting, or I'd probably have read the same stuff. I'm sure she certainly said it, but she couldn't remember what she said, only what she did...and believe me she did plenty.

she did not lie to him

Why would you think anything she said to him was true, if she was willing to lie to you so readily. My FWS lied to her AP, to me, to friends, to EVERYONE.

That IS the problem, the LYING. Affairs are founded on lies, exaggeration, drama.

The truth, hard to tell, she may not know it herself.

When my FWS finally got it, had true remorse, and spilled her guts in an effort to change.... I found out that I had never known the truth about her life, so many lies told to cover up things that happened.

I was living with a scared little adolescent girl who was struggling with her parents divorce and the fallout, her fathers alcoholism, and far more. This person was living under the mask of an intelligent educated professional with a loving husband and children. She was afraid all the time, and I do mean all the time, but covered it up using a variety of things. She pushed people away, but was desperate for attention.

So, focus on and take care of yourself, only she can change her, and focus on what you need right now.

Please go and see a doctor to help you through this medically. With everything that has happened to you, and then this betrayal, your body would be in shock.
This is a really awful account of betrayal and you sound like a wonderful person who deserves better.

Do you think your wife got caught in her first affair?

If you are considering deciding to stay in the marriage, you should also question your wife's loyalty in the past years.

If you're going to divorce, don't open that box.

I feel for you brother, those texts are about as bad as any I've seen here. There have been others as bad but not many. It's different for everyone but sometimes it's these things that completely kill the chance for R.

I believe in the A fantasy dopamine addiction, I really do. But at some point it doesn't matter and you just can't get your head wrapped around the depth of betrayal. The real problem with her texts is she is deliberately comparing you and degrading you in them. It wasn't just about him, it was making you look bad in his eyes and apparently that was ok or, worse, it got her off too. It clearly got him off.... replacing you. That deeply pisses me off and I don't even know you.

If you decide to entertain offering her R, she has a hell of a lot of work to do.

I'm truly sorry, JC, for the immense heartbreak you've endured. Your pain comes through loud and clear when reading your story. The extent of your wife's betrayal is both shocking and deeply distressing, particularly the ease with which she deceived you repeatedly. It's clear that you are under no obligation to protect her secrets. Her parents deserve to know about her infidelity and the potential for divorce, as these are direct repercussions of her actions. Offering her reconciliation should not be seen as an obligation but a generous gift, and it's crucial that you are sure this is the path you want to take. If her cheating is an insurmountable issue for you, a deal breaker if you will, and divorce seems a preferable option, delving into the painful specifics of her affair isn't necessary - this is what is referred to as "pain shopping". You don't owe her any more than that. Her attempt to detail the affair could just lead to more anguish, which is unhelpful. I strongly advise you to undergo a comprehensive STI screening as soon as possible. Her decision to have unprotected sex not only exposed you to significant risk but also raises concerns about the health risks posed by her other partner(s). Prioritizing your sexual health by getting tested is a wise step. I wish you the very best in your journey. Please take care of yourself. You’ve been through significant trauma and I would encourage you to seek medical advice if you need help sleeping, or if you experience anxiety, depression, etc. Continue to work out in the gym, hydrate, focus on YOU right now. Think about what you want to do. We’re here to support you in whatever path you decide to take.

I’ve been in enough locker rooms and read enough to know that I’m probably in the top 10% in both length and girth and my stamina is never an issue. I really don’t think he would have been much bigger than me if at all.

If I may...

Affairs are based on lies. 100%. She has created a fairy tale with him. They get to experience the best of each other, sneak around, giggle, escape from real life and all of its pressure and stress and responsibilities. She gets to pretend she another person. He gets to pretend to be "not a loser" with her.

It's a bubble (again, based on lies). When they are forced to be together, to deal with each other outside their pretend bubble, their relationship will fail. As many have said, start the divorce because you can always choose to stop and reconcile later.

As for him being bigger and better... stop. It's most likely not true. Again, they tell lies to each other. If she does have an issue with your size, don't make it your issue. Know, it's not you. It's her. She is deeply insecure. She needs IC. There is nothing wrong with you. Repeat that until it sinks in.

Keep your head up. Keep improving yourself. Keep going to the gym. Once you're on the other side of this (R or D) you will be bigger, better, faster, stronger... a new man. The damage will always exist, the goal is for the damage not to dominate your thoughts. Know, it does get better.

[This message edited by Apollos at 1:20 AM, Monday, March 4th]

The real problem with her texts is she is deliberately comparing you and degrading you in them. It wasn't just about him, it was making you look bad in his eyes and apparently that was ok or, worse, it got her off too. It clearly got him off.... replacing you. That deeply pisses me off and I don't even know you.

Completely agree.

I'd add that, generally speaking, if this wasn't in writing would they ever admit to this? I suppose some rare creatures might. Truth is these types of verbal communications very likely occur often but if it just happens in the bedroom and there is zero audit trail it will almost certainly be denied. I just beleive most would take this to the grave. At least he is getting a clear picture of who she is.

I could not see getting past these texts...The anniversary one was horrible...One thing I would not do is ruin the in-laws 50th...You seem like a great guy and even though none of this is your fault I feel you may feel bad about that one day...I would definately make her tell them just not on this day

Hi JC,

Do you believe your WW when she said that she didn't mean what she said to her AP?

We had a wonderful evening with incredible sex that night. As I laid there with her, I remember thinking that all the abuse, all the pain, all the years of longing for someone to just care about me was worth it if this is where I ended up. I drifted off to sleep feeling like I was the luckiest guy in the world. According to the time stamp, shortly after I went to sleep, she had the following text exchange with her AP.

AP - I hope you didn’t fuck him tonight

WW – Sorry, I had to. If I didn’t, he might have figured something was up

AP - I know, but I still don’t like it

WW – If it makes you feel any better, I pretended he was you the whole time.

AP – That’s my girl

In her fantasy it is possible that she did believe these words, or she might not.

But she did:
1. Seek to please him by telling the AP what he wanted to hear.
Why would she want to please him soooo much, when you have given her so many reasons (including the conversation of that special anniversary) to focus on you and her love and commitment to you;

2. She communicated with him on your anniversary. Where is the love and respect for you?
Why couldn't she take the night off from connecting with the AP?
What were her true priorities?

3. When and how will you choose to communicate about this adultery with your daughters and with her family?

Hang in there mate.
We are here to support you as you decide how you will move out of infidelity.
And you have our respect for te way you are choosing to deal with this terrible and tragic situation.
Post as often as you like, sometimes Internet strangers can help you.
Perhaps because we will listen, and we understand.

Regards,
FAWH

I am extremely sorry about the pain you are in, JC.

1. What someone said above already. It is really that your WW disavowed you to her POSOM.

2. So your WW is talking about her parents' anniversary dinner. She expected you to play nice in front of your in-laws. After she just ripped your heart out like that. WOW.

3. Your WW doesn't care about the pain she caused YOU, she only cares of her own life being upended.

My point is, your WW is crying crocodile tears. Please don't be swayed by them!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:27 AM, Monday, March 4th]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this shitstorm. Search for Walloped (BS) and MrsWalloped (WW), both on this site. Reading about their introspective thoughts on their long journey through infidelity and eventual reconciliation helped me immensely.

[This message edited by Divod62 at 1:28 AM, Monday, March 4th]

If I may again... I assume every WS talks shit, belittles, dehumanizes their spouse. They pretend their spouse (and family) doesn't exist when they're in the bubble. It's a prerequisite to give themselves permission to do what they know is wrong. She knows she's a POS. She knows he's a loser POS.

The concern OP should have about R is his wife isn't interested in IC...

You are presently going through hell. I've been there and gone through it twice. Did she, at least, cut off all contact with the scumbag? Did you see the text? She should have immediately done that, as a minimum.

The texts you have shared are quite brutal. The ease with which she carried on with this POS and her ability to act perfectly normal with you indicates to me that not only is there something deeply wrong with her but that this is not her first affair. If you decide to go the R route, you should demand a polygraph to explore whether there are other infidelities, including during her marriage with her first husband.

From your first text, you sound like a pretty good catch. You don't need this crap in your life. You have to be extremely careful if and when you date again. But, if you are careful, you can find someone you can build a new life with. You may even be able to have your own children.

I am truly so sorry about what’s transpired since your initial post. Her text to the AP is probably the most painful thing I’ve read here on SI. I am really really sorry that you had to see that. I hope you continue to stay strong and get help from a trauma specialist. We are here to support you every step of the way.

[This message edited by cedarwoods at 2:11 AM, Monday, March 4th]

I assume every WS talks shit, belittles, dehumanizes their spouse.

Nope.

I read their messages. She tried to insult me,and every time he would tell her not to speak about me. That I was a wonderful woman,and didn't deserve what they were doing.

She knows she's a POS. She knows he's a loser POS.

She may feel like a pos now,but many ws say they felt fine about themselves during the affair. They didn't feel bad until they were caught.

She was "his girl" just a few days ago and apologizing for having sex with her husband..so she didn't think he was a pos at the time.

Op...if you decide to divorce, please visit the divorce forum. There will be a lot of valuable information there.