SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe I’m not doing as well with this as I thought. There were several other questions I had wanted to respond to and I just posted without including those. Not like me.

We don’t have any children together. We talked quite a bit about it when we were dating and we both wanted them. Then, a month before the wedding, WW came to me in tears and said she just couldn’t go through having babies again. The girls had just started school, her career was taking off and she just couldn’t do it again. She said she’d understand if I couldn’t accept that. It was an agonizing couple of days. I loved her, I loved the girls and her family had totally embraced me – all of it a first in my life. I finally decided that I just couldn’t throw it all away for something that might or might not happen. I sometimes feel a twinge of sadness, but overall all, I’ve been really happy the past fourteen years.

As far as her first marriage goes, I’m pretty sure I have the whole story. Her family and friends at the time all say the same thing. He’s not a very nice guy and has been a horrible father. He comes in and out of their lives at random and makes promises that are always broken. He has hurt them over and over again and I’ve just tried my best to be the rock in their lives.

I realize that I’m probably posting way more detail than is necessary. I’m finding this therapeutic in some weird way. Please let me know it I’m over-doing it. Thanks again for listening.

Justcrushed
I use SI as my safe therapeutic place. It has been a life saver for me. So please do not feel embarrassed or awkward about sharing whatever you want to. There really is no judgment here. We have walked the path you are on now and know what it feels like.
You are doing really well given the situation. Keep staying the course. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Give yourself time and space after you confront your wife. She will tell you tons of lies and minimize to the high heavens. Expect it and be prepared.

I am so sorry you are here - this place also saved me from insanity-ville many times over. You have received a lot of good advice so I will try to not re-hash any of that as it can be overwhelming. There are likely lots of things you have not thought about, some of which will be more difficult to process than others.

Having to get an STD panel isn't as bad as you think it will be. I had to have them 3 times over the course of 15 months post-d-day 1 as WH continued to cheat and lie and have contact with his AP behind my back. When I caught him the second and third time I was back at the doctor's office getting tested. Take solace in the fact that the first time you go in for an STD panel the medical practitioners are very genuine and emphatic, and while some people on here indicated they were not even asked why they wanted the panel, mine did and was very understanding, said I was doing the right thing, and kept the discussion at that. By the third time, however, they didn't ask why I was back and I know they had to be thinking "what is this idiot doing here AGAIN? Did she not learn the first two times with this guy?"

Foggy head? Check. This is a major trauma, and as you have suffered them before in your life you know how they can be. Expect to be forgetful and/or unable to focus, unable to eat or sleep, feel wholly unmotivated one minute and almost manic the next. I managed to leave the gas nozzle connected to my car two times in the SAME DAY (the first time I drove off right after I put it in without actually getting any gas so I needed to stop again and did basically the same thing but managed to get gas in the car first). I was embarrassed and angry and just - ugh. It was terrible. Take solace in your ability to persevere. Based on your description of how your adult life has been I am confident you will come though this.

Don't expect to feel "back to normal" on some pre-ordained timeline. Everyone is different. Give yourself a break when you need it. Affairs are SUCH a mind-_______.

Do NOT blame yourself or stand for your WS trying to place blame on you. You could have been the biggest A-hole ever but your spouse had other ways for dealing with that - having an A is NEVER an okay solution to any relationship problems, perceived or otherwise.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:22 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

JustCrushed,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. All of us who are Betrayed can empathize with what you are going through as we have all suffered (or are currently suffering) similar betrayals. You seem much more calm and reasoned in your approach than many who come to JFO (although you may not FEEL that way). Getting your financials in order, consulting a lawyer, seeking advice and properly planning the initial confrontation is "master class" level thinking compared to how most of us bumbled through this. You have gotten solid advice from many on here and you seem to be taking it to heart. A couple of things jumped out at me in your original post:

It seems her A had been going on for over five months. From other messages with her friends, she met this guy on a GNO and slipped right into to the A that night. She’s been meeting him once a week unless I was out of town and then it was sometimes twice. From everything I read, the A was highly sexual without any romance.

You also mention until you saw the incriminating text, everything seemed great in your marriage. My concern is this may not be your WW’s first rodeo. My WW was a serial cheater (read my story for the details). Her initial infidelities resulted in her withdrawing from me, withholding sex and telling me "she didn’t think she loved me". Her later ones, I had zero clues. She treated me great, sex was frequent, I thought we "had made it". Her 8th affair (makes you cringe, huh) was with a tow truck driver. Like your WW’s affairs, there was "no romance" no dates, no dinners no gifts. She would get off work, meet him in a commuter lot by work, have a quickie or give him oral in his tow truck (had to be done in 30 minutes) and then head home. They would try to meet weekly but wound up every 2-3 weeks because he kept getting calls when he was supposed to be meeting (and his pregnant wife was the dispatcher!).

So when you say "the A started that night", I’m assuming you mean they became physical immediately. That doesn’t sound like a "first timer". Her willingness to discuss her affair with her friends also shows they are complicit. If not cheating themselves, they are certainly "supporting her decisions to cheat" and not friends of the marriage.

You have more than enough information based on this current affair to end the marriage. If you decide to start R based on your confrontation, along with going NC with POSOM, you should require her to drop all friends who are co-conspirators and go NC with them. In addition to a full disclosure and timeline of this current affair, a full disclosure and timeline of any other affairs or inappropriate behavior since you became exclusive. This to be followed up by a polygraph.

This is all difficult. Keep your wits about you and continue to leverage this site.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:41 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

I am a former BS. It happened decades ago. My marriage ultimately ended in divorce. I made a truckload of mistakes in dealing with the mess she created. In retrospect, I should have divorced my ex-wife immediately. That is my advice for almost all situations involving affairs that are more than simply one-night stands, especially when no minor children are involved. Don't get me wrong, a one-night stand is more than enough reason to dump a cheating partner. But a five-month affair is just too much to swallow in my book.

I am pretty blunt and take a harsher position than some SI members. I don't comment much on this site anymore but your story simply infuriates me. I believe in justice and fair play, almost to a fault. You have been horribly wronged. Her behavior deserves the consequences of a divorce in my opinion.

The gall of her cheating on you is beyond disgusting. You sacrificed your desire to have your own children and readily assumed the responsibility of being a father to her four-year-old girls when you married her. It sounds like you did a commendable job in that role. Yet she has repaid you with this bullshit.

You are hurt and scared right now. You should be livid. Why wait for her to come home? I'd email her NOW and tell her to find somewhere else to stay. Tell her you have seen an attorney and will be filing for divorce immediately. Whether you change YOUR mind about proceeding with divorce will be up to you and her subsequent behavior. If she states that she doesn't want to stay married, your choice is simple. Tell her you are willing to listen to any of her crap AFTER she has been served with papers.

It looks like you have been truly blindsided. This may not be her first rodeo during your marriage. If you do stay with her, insist on a polygraph.

You are still a young guy. Her worth as a 43-year-old woman on the dating market is not as bright. You can find someone else and start your own family. You have sacrificed too much. Don't waste much more time on her. Hit the gym, eat well, and connect with friends and family to get you through this betrayal. You matter, she doesn't so don't you forget it.

Finally, I find it somewhat interesting that your WW would leave her cell phone unguarded and without password protection. Maybe this was her way for you to discover her ongoing adventures, at least on a subconscious level. Very strange.

[This message edited by src9043 at 10:41 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

JustCrushed:

Did you find out whether the AP has a wife or serious girlfriend?

While I commented earlier that exposure should be used as tactically as possible... you will need to eventually expose and let the OBS know. Now, it may be after the divorce is settled or final, but you will need to expose... Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you that your wife has been in affair these past 5 months if they knew?

Also, you're only 38... you are not too old to meet someone and have children of your own in the near future. You may want to drop this tidbit on your WW during the confrontation but I admit I can be a bit vindictive and mean. But dropping this tidbit during the confrontation may help burn off any "affair fog" that your WW is in and let your WW know that your future is considerably brighter than hers. She on the other hand, is looking at being single as a cheating, twice divorced, mid-40s female that left her latest marriage as the villain.

The person who is willing to walk away from the relationship, has the power in the relationship.

So far you've done a great job (seriously, a great job!) in getting your ducks in a row and being prepared. KEEP IT UP!

Have you purchased the VARs for tomorrow night? Protect yourself... Cameras would be even better.... don't worry about whether recording another is legal or not... if its in your home in the common area you're ok. You're not planning on submitting the recordings as evidence in a court of law, just to protect yourself.

Steel yourself for the confrontation... her response can run the gamut from a cold-hearted witch telling you that she's never been happy in the marriage and wants an immediate divorce to a broken-down sobbing mess, on her knees grabbing your legs begging you to forgive her and not to leave her. And everything in between. Don't fall for anything, be calm, almost clinical if possible, and keep it as short as possible... what's your end game for after the confrontation? Are you going to a hotel for the night? Is she? Watch out for her turning on the waterworks, love bombing you and having a heart-to-heart discussion until the next morning's dawn with her promising you everything you ask for. Don't let that happen, keep it short with as few emotions as possible-- treat it like you were terminating an employee's job for underperformance (which it kinda is in a way) and get out or make her get out. There will be additional talks in the future where you both will be much more clear-headed and focused. And if you attempt Reconciliation... OMG will there be more talks down the line, and tears, lots of tears...

Like I said-- fantastic job so far...keep it up. Keep moving forward and taking action... You have yet to show one single act of being a doormat or playing the pick-me-dance... don't start doing so at the confrontation.

The gall of her cheating on you is beyond disgusting. You sacrificed your desire to have your own children and readily assumed the responsibility of being a father to her four-year-old girls when you married her. It sounds like you did a commendable job in that role. Yet she has repaid you with this bullshit.

This.

Hey- I'm so sorry for you and yet a bit jealous that you are able to articulate such a clear path out of infidelity. This whole thing f---ing sucks! I also came from a rather traumatic, financially unstable childhood and my WW wife situation isn't entirely different from yours but I'm kind of stuck due to financial issues and not wanting to blow-up my kids lives (they're still at home- we started late having kids). My only advice based on what you know and have posted is, get out as you seem to be planning. You're a good piece younger than me and while you shouldn't have to, you can rebuild without her. Unless she is 1,000% committed to fixing this, get out. So sorry again.

Nothing new to add beyond relaying my commiserations and solidarity. There is no trauma like having the facade of the perception of your "spouse" go up in smoke in the blink of an eye.

Take extra care of yourself. You will make it through this.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:18 PM, Friday, March 1st]

Justcrushed
Can I offer some different advice? Seems like your have done your homework and gotten your ducks in a row. Please remember that you love/loved this woman and whether you divorce or not- you still have to go through this journey. Weigh things out. Your WW may admit everything. When I confronted my WH I said " Do NOT lie to me, I already know" and he immediately was remorseful and admitted everything. Either way- maybe slow your roll, and take good care of yourself- exercise, drink tons of water, be careful with alcohol etc. My wish is peace for you

Good luck today, we'll all be hoping you get the truth you need to make your decision.

I know no matter how things go down, today is going to be hard. Just remember that it’s one more step forward on the path out of infidelity. Good luck.

JustCrushed,

Sending positive vibes your way if today is the D-Day!!

First, you are not alone. Many of us here have had the misfortune of what we thought was a good relationship only to find out the person we were with had an entirely different opinion and plan.

Second, you are far ahead of where I was when I was surprised. You have handled this well and have a solid plan and most importantly an attorney and an investigator. I was not even close to being as prepared as you clearly are today.

Third, she isn't the person you believe she is, she is far different and not your ally. Whatever she is, she is not the rock solid person of your memories. Everything needs to be in question including her motivations both today and in the past. The reason I bring up the past motivation is that she needed you as a replacement for an absentee father for her/your girls. I found it somewhat disturbing that she suddenly didn't want to have children with you around the time of the wedding and now after the girls are off to school she is now free to get her groove on so to speak.

Fourth, whatever her reactions are during and immediately confrontation it will not be the end, adulterers appears to be all over the place as they try to figure out what is best for THEM, not you THEM.

Fifth, since her friends seem to be in on this relationship she has more support than you, make certain you surround yourself by some people that are in it for YOU.

Whatever you choose to do in the future, make certain it is best for YOU, not her, nor anyone else.

Fifth, since her friends seem to be in on this relationship

I missed that from your original post. When things settle a bit you might want to give a heads up to any husbands or boyfriends about the pliable nature of the views on fidelity for this group.

Just had my first test and failed. I received a text this morning from my WW. She said she was catching an earlier flight and would be home late afternoon. She asked if I’d like to go to dinner or just stay in and snuggle on the sofa with a couple of heart emojis. I’m not sure why this pissed me off, but I just texted back without thinking …. Neither, I’m going to the gym and then I’ll just pick up a smoothie for dinner. I’ve never responded to her like that in my life. I never treat her, or anyone callously. I’m just struggling to get a grip here. If I can do something this mean over a harmless text, what’s next?

It pissed you off because you are are experiencing her blatant duplicity in real time. It just becomes more real and more disgusting.

[This message edited by Never2late at 8:21 PM, Friday, March 1st]

I truly feel terrible for you. This reminds me of my D-day when I confronted the ex-wife and ended the marriage. Do you have a close friend or relative that you can confide in and help you through this most difficult time? I also suggest that you look for a therapist who can help you get through this mess. Look for one that specializes in infidelity.

I previously suggested that you simply email your WW where you lay out everything you know. Tell her not to come home. You don't need to confront her face-to-face unless you wish to do so. I would not stay in the same house with her once you confront her. You will simply be bombarded with bullshit. If she needs to explain her actions, ask her to put it in a detailed letter to you. Again, this can all be done via email if you desire. YOU OWE HER NOTHING, thus, how you decide to confront her should be your call. Your last entry indicates that you may have difficulty controlling your rage if you do confront her in person. An email is all that she deserves and it will prevent things from escalating.

If you do consider R somewhere down the line (I don't recommend it but that is your call), tell her she will be required to sit for a polygraph for the express purpose of exploring other infidelities with other men she may have committed. It is also likely that her partners in crime on these GNO's were also engaged in hooking up with men. If any of them are in a relationship, it should be a condition of R that their partners be notified of their cheating. No one should be allowed to walk away unscathed.

My last piece of advice is to remain as calm as possible and detach from your WW immediately.

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:32 PM, Friday, March 1st]

So are you going to confront tonight?
Did she question your response?

Have you rehearsed what you are going to say? If not then do that. Have a plan and what you are going to say.

I wouldn't worry too much about your response earlier. She is probably so self involved she didn't pick up on the tenor/change in your normal response.

Don’t worry about your response. Look, this is so normal, that despite your rehearsal or plans, the emotions of anger and hurt overwhelm. It’s normal. Take tushnurse’s advice. I would also add focus to control your breathing in regular, slow breaths. It can be done. When we are in a stressful or highly emotional situation, our breathing becomes quick and shallow. You’ll get through this better than you think. Good luck.