SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, WS here. A sticking point for my BH is the fact that I actually wanted to leave him for my AP. It is difficult for him because of the hurt but also because the stories he's read of people who are able to R are not like that. I have read Pittman's Book Private Lies, which talks about "romantic affairs" and how this is the pattern in those. I am working on figuring out how and why it got to that point, but I'd also be so thankful for any stories of any real people who were in this situation who reconciled. Thank you.

Hi, PleaseBeFixable. My H and I are "like that."

My H confessed to me on DDay with these words: "I'm in love with someone else." I set a boundary: Stop seeing her or leave. He left and went to his mother's. Over the next month, he was all over the place, uncertain about what he wanted. They had planned for months on being together, and the AP was very excited when he finally confessed, but reality hit him in the face like a baseball bat. Eventually, he snapped out of it and went NC with the AP and never looked back.

Thinking of my person having an intimate bond with someone else and rejecting me is super, super painful. I'm not sure that I'll ever fully be "over it", but we worked hard, we talked a LOT, and we continue to talk and do the work when necessary. I love/like my H, he adores me, and we're truly happy.

It can be done. I think both parties have to be all in and be willing to work hard for it, though. It takes a lot of patience and pain to get through it.

I'm interested in reading responses from men who have been in your H's shoes.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:10 PM, Friday, February 9th]

I wanted to leave my husband. And yes Dr Pittman was a great resource for me to figure out my pattern of behavior was predictable.

I think what helped us work through that aspect is the reasons I wanted to leave were largely created by me, and they were based on flawed thinking. But don’t expect to explain it away, I think it takes a long consistent track record of showing them your dedication to them and understanding yourself in a way that will make this be unlikely in the future.

Showing him every day that you are trustworthy, on his side, valuing him, loving him, and truly in it to win it with him.

I had a lot of unstated expectations that I turned into resentments. I took accountability over not being responsible over my own happiness instead of expecting him to do it.

I figured out my whys and worked on those things in a very transparent way. In the end, I knew I didn’t actually want AP. I wanted to escape my pain.

It will take your husband a long time to get over that aspect and many aspects of what has just happened. But being honest, no trickle truth, reliable and consistent. Learn to sit with him in his pain without being defensive. And figure yourself out- he can’t understand anything that you don’t.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. Mine was an exit affair and a double betrayal.

We had a lot of hurdles to overcome. I agree with hikingout in that most of the reasons I thought I wanted to leave were problems created by me. Most of our problems could have been availed by honest communication.

We had to look at our dynamics and rebuild. I had to look deep at the internal dialogue and get to the bottom of my why’s. I had to tear down the walls and let myself be vulnerable.

Untangling the thread is time consuming, takes patience, and attention. It can seem hopeless at times and be tempting to just tear the thread. If you keep at, keep picking at the knots, they will loosen and pull apart.

My reason for having an exit affair can look different than yours. It can start with blame shifting type reasons and then evolve into some deep introspection. Start with your whys. Determine the validity of your reasoning. Figure out those flaws.

I can’t promise that you will make it through, but I can promise you that you are not the only one that has been here.

BH here who's WW was at least a little similar. My wife loved (or believed she loved) her AP. She kept starting R but going back to him.

For me, understanding the psyche of the WP was definitely something that helped. But that took time, time to gain knowledge and time to process it and apply it.

Your BH may, like me, get past that aspect. That's not to say it'll be sunshine and wildflowers but you'll probably be able to work on things that are actually solvable rather than one specific decision or action that you can't take back.

Wishing you the best.

My H planned to leave me for the much younger OW. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

We survived it.

My WW was trying to leave the M. She even admitted to her friend that she was going to play nice in R while she got her ducks in a row to leave. It’s a tough hill to climb to trust her words and actions after that.

She cleared the fog and busted her ass to prove worthy of R. I had to accept the addiction aspect of limerence, she was not living in reality, the guy was a loser and nothing like her type. He fit a role in her fantasy. Their wuv affair was a house of cards that would have never sustained.

With that said there are losses I’ve had to accept, things can be good, but never the same.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your stories.

Ws ere, so I actually left my BS after two weeks of knowing my AP. Believed she was amazing and that she was everything that I needed!! My head was so far up my ass I could taste my breakfast again....I ended up in all sorts of messed up places, went to my folks, then hers, then came home and said i wanted to work on things then left again and back to hers...truly messed with my BS head and also my own. I too went as far as going "I dont love you and maybe I never have" it was just total crap and couldnt be further from the truth...limarence and this little fantasy bubble I found myself in saw me rewriting so much of my relationship and life

The whole affair though lasted just three months but the amount of damage I caused to our relationship through this is just incomprehensible BUT I hope we can work through this.

It's what we were actually talking about this morning as its unusual in our view for a ws to just chuck it all away and actually leave their BS for an AP or so it seems on this site. We are though trying to work through this as best we can, it's not easy at all but as others have said its possible. I am just grateful for every day she allows me to breath the same air as her and to be around to share the good times and the bad.

Good luck with your spouse.

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 6:11 PM, Friday, February 16th]

My wife had lost perspective.

It was like that scene in the Roadrunner cartoon where the coyote is hanging in mid air, but doesn’t know that he has run out past the cliff yet, so hasn’t fallen yet. The coyote looks at the bird, looks down, looks back, and starts to fall. Gravity doesn’t work until you realize you have run way past the edge of the cliff.

I was like - what the hell are you doing. Yes, you mentioned to me once when we were in our late 20’s that you were bi. But no, you can’t continue a relationship with a women you have met, avoid me, make large impulse purchases, withdraw large amounts of cash from our savings with no discussion, continue to not earn an income, and and just pursue hobbies and sports.

I don’t know where that level of entitlement came from? She just didn’t seem to see it at the time. To use that roadrunner image, I think it took her about 3 months before she looked down and saw there was no ground under her feet.

When trying to make sense of it at the time, I reasoned to myself where there can be times when all your ‘ands’ turn into ‘ors’. Whilst your integrity is intact there is space for a lot of things. Once it goes ….not so much.

The reconciled version of our marriage has changed. It is a bit closer to what things are like out there in the world. If you don’t show up to work you get fired, inevitably.

[This message edited by straightup at 6:48 PM, Friday, February 16th]

It was like that scene in the Roadrunner cartoon where the coyote is hanging in mid air, but doesn’t know that he has run out past the cliff yet, so hasn’t fallen yet. The coyote looks at the bird, looks down, looks back, and starts to fall. Gravity doesn’t work until you realize you have run way past the edge of the cliff.

That's a terrific analogy.

My wife wasn't in an exit A, but my close friend was in a three year LTA. We've had a few long talks about her A.

What's she did, and I think many WS's do to not feel like a selfish POS, is tell themselves "my marriage is bad and I'm going to leave so it isn't really cheating, not like bad cheaters, I'm special. We are already divorced in my mind." You know something like this. But you aren't special. Most likely you would just keep right on eating cake. Lie to APs face that you are going to leave. Lie to you BS. Lie to yourself.

I'm not telling you to convince your wife that you never were really thinking about leaving. Of course you were. At the time, to give yourself permission to feel like less of a villain.

The hard work of R is figuring out this internal thinking pattern you used to lie and justify your behavior, and to not do it again.

My friend and her H have reconciled, so in terms of giving you hope, I'll at least give you that.

You need to step up. Find the books, find an IC, do the work.

PBF

This might sound contradictory… but what can empower a marriage is the realization of how delicate it really is…
It’s a like an egg. An egg is remarkably strong, at the exact level where it protects the chick but enables it to break out. It’s also like an egg where we tend to take care when carrying one, because we know it will break if not handled properly.

I think that it can be healthy for a marriage to realize that the ONLY thing keeping you married to him, and the ONLY thing keeping him married to you, is a decision that you both made separately, but share. It’s enough that one of you doesn’t want to be married and that person then has the freedom to get out. Only… it’s not a turn-on/turn-off situation. Can’t be married 10 months per year or only in the evenings.

Yes – Ending a marriage is tough. Lots of work. Lifestyle, family, history and kids can all be a great reason to work hard at reconciliation. But none are a good reason to remain in a marriage one or both don’t want… ALL the issues can be dealt with. Everything ranging from finances, assets, debts, custody, relationships… can be dealt with without the marriage.
People have divorced and found happiness. People have remained married in misery… People have also rediscovered happiness in a marriage.

Yes – it’s a change, but isn’t change required if there is something that makes you so miserable you contemplated leaving for the AP? Note: I want to be clear on my POV that infidelity is never due to the marriage, but by internal issues and I am assuming you are/have dealt with that…

I think it can be empowering if you can tell your husband that if you wanted to you COULD LEAVE, just as he could. That you two could address each and everything you might THINK is "forcing" you to remain married and deal with it. Yes – you could argue that it’s not fair he/you get half the savings or the house or whatever, but irrespective of what you THINK there is a procedure that would solve that issue. The kids – I could show you about a gazillion research that confirm the damage of a toxic household compared to a household of respect, irrespective of the number of parents on-site…
What that could leave you two with is one single conclusion:

The reason you are there is because you want this man as your husband.
The reason he still there is because he wants you as his wife…

OK – That should remove (or help remove) the doubts about why you didn’t leave for the AP, and his doubts why you didn’t, and if he’s your option B.

He can realize that if he was so lacking and you so in love with OM you could be gone.
He can realize that if you didn’t want to be there you could be gone.
Yet you are there…

Same with him…
If he feels emasculated by being your B-option, he CAN leave.
If he doubts your commitment and doesn’t see a happy future with you, he CAN leave.

Same with you…

You start living by the message my tagline offers:
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

And you two start working towards not being unhappy – either together as a couple in a voluntary relationship or separately.

What if you know that this is the case. He chose to be here and I also chose to be here, after DDAY. After 18 months of recovery, and actually at the very start, I felt I wasn't competing any more... But, on the other hand I also challenge a lot my decision to stay, even if he is perfect. Even if he is transparent with me with his day to day whereabouts... He broke me beyond comprehension, and I restle with my decision to stay from time to time... I restle with the decision to put the kids first, when those same kids weren't part of the equation for him to begin with... When he said, when he proposed a divorce, that they would be OK (mind you before confessing the affair). He said he talked about divorce because he couldn't say the truth, and that was the only way to do something honorable... He finally confessed during our 3hour discussion about it... And immediately said he wanted to stay here with me... It took one more month for him to get it, and that came after my 180 that lasted... 3 days... I couldn't, for the life of me, comprehend what the f...k he had in his head

[This message edited by Phosphorescent at 3:11 PM, Monday, February 19th]

I should also add that his offer to divorce came after being threatened by the OW that she is going to tell.... He chose to discuss divorce with me, and the same night say to the OW "you finally got your way, I am divorcing, but I won't be with you either"

I think most A will fail once they try to live in the REAL WORLD because it is all fantasy, projection of needs and wishes.

For me it would be even better to know that the partner who wants to reconcile did think about leaving me. They thought about it, they imagined it and NOPE!! They know deep inside it would be the biggest mistake ever.

Often you cannot appreciate enough someone until you have to miss them. It happens when someone dies and a betrayal is similar to death. That person and relationship as you knew it doesn't exist anymore. The best has yet to come and it all depends on your choices.

My WS told me he never imagined himself out of our M, but since I know the POS FB did want him to leave me, he definitely thought about it, he said he told her he would think about it and I am sure he did, he had all the easy path ready, we have adult, independent children and no debts, we have each a job and each one has their savings and... decided it was not what he wanted.

SO I feel I was chosen a second time. He still has issues he should work on, but he definitely never wanted her as his life partner. I still would like to know what he saw in that POS FB, crazy woman, anorexic and alcoholic.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 5:07 PM, Friday, April 12th]

The hardest thing I had to wrap my mind around was after he told me about the A and he was leaving for his AP he was able to just walk out after witnessing my shock and devastation and go have sex with her and tell her how "right" it felt. When he told me this I thought I had married a sociopath -he was so devoid of empathy that he could even think about sex after witnessing the pain and devastation he had just caused.

When we spoke a few days later and he asked to come home I thought "My Lord, this man has lost his freaking mind!" Seriously, did he think he could hurt me the way he did and I would welcome him back?

I did agree to talk, just out of curiosity about what he had to say. He came over and we talked all night - he finally opened up to me on an emotional level he had never revealed before. When I told him I would not take him back and he was welcome to go to her he had a breakdown - became hysterical - I have never seen anybody in that state - thought I was going to have to call 911.

It was at that moment that I saw a broken man - a hurting human being that was reaching out for help - I kew his family life had not been easy - but I never realized just how badly he was effected by his childhood issues. In short, I told him I would stand by him as he seeked counseling.

We went through an extremely difficult period as I struggled with my decision to stay with someone who had hurt me so horribly and he struggled with his guilt and shame over the A. Counseling helped him tremendously, as he became more comfortable with opening up about his feelings he was able to communicate to me the reasons for the A.

The thing that helped me the most was when he told me that he never really wanted to leave the marriage - but he didn't have the tools to fight his demons - even before he left he knew it was not what he really wanted.

There are some lines in a Melissa Etheridge song (I'm the Only One) that -to me- sums up how he was feeling

"Go on and hold her til the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing's wrong

Her eyes and arms and skin won't make it go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
that holds you down today"

He admitted he was looking for an easy fix and thought she was the answer. He realized there was no easy answers and the sorrow he was running from was mostly his doing.

Honestly, leaving for the AP adds a whole different level to reconciling - especially for the BS - but it can be done with hard work and commitment from both partners.

Good wishes to you both.

I was very angry the day that I wrote the above two messages. Ws never thought about leaving he says. But to me, I still don't believe that. He came and told me what was happening the 25th of June 2022. After three hours of conversation of where I was falling short... His words (he actually made a drawing) I was in the center, or the kids and him were in the center (fading memory of bullshit things) and I was circling around but I wasn't with them....Half an hour later boooommm "I have been having an affair for a year now".

I was shocked to say the least....But on the other hand I knew it....Deep down I knew it. Before anything started, we were in a tough spot. Our sex life was painfully non existent. I trusted him, I adored him and when he was saying that it doesn't matter because this is not the main thing in a relationship I believed him. Don' t get me wrong. We Had a healthy sexual life for the first 5 years, and then child no1 came and things calmed down even more. I became comfortable on his beliefs about sex, and you know how it is, you feel fat, and not so outstanding anymore....I became too comfortable.... I trusted him. And then I realized that I was missing those things, and when there was an empty feeling, I always kept in the forefront of my head that I didn't wanted to do anything bad to this man who I admired more than anything. Child no2 came, and things became even more difficult in the sex area. Terrible twos and threes were REAL. Years passed, love life was always sweet, but sex life was....rare....And then covid. The first quarantine was actually a time that we spent doing what we most loved. Both of us. We stayed home with the kids. But then something started to change....I would place it on september 2020. We were on vacation, and as we were walking by the sea the four of us, I ran onto an old friend of mine. I forgot about covid for just a second, we hugged and kissed (a friend's kiss not a french kiss). The guy was an old friend from childhood years, nothing more nothing less. We talked a little and said our goodbyes and left. My husband was angry as hell, because I didn't think about anyone, because I put him and our kids in danger. He cried. i coundn't believe that something like that could have such a profound effect on him. I said I'm sorry. I felt terrible.... And then something happened with my father and that was the first time that he said "if this happens again I'm leaving". Now that was the time that he was in a fb group, full of divorced people, that shared their preferences in music. My husband started making inappropriate posts in there, in the context of fan, art things, with a sexual connotation. I talked to him about that telling him that I found them inappropriate... He said to me that it was a way to make a joke..... He introduced me to the group there in one online meeting they had.

I brought a dog on March 2021, because I thought it was going to be good for the kids, after two years in quarantine. I was getting fed up by our sterilized life. That night he was furious saying "what is it that you don't have"...I said "nothing". Quarantine no3 started. We got to love the dog, he started talking with future affair partner on this fb group, and I think that he adopted the dog on June 2021 out of guilt because that was when their first time took place. One day on June, I was home and he was getting ready to go to work and we had a fight (a huge one). When I closed the door, I said to myself "if he finds another right now would you even care?"...And this is around the period that the affair started.....

I knew it....But in the same time, I was trusting him. It's difficult to point things... I never thought that he would be so direspectful. A year later when he said he was having an affair, I said what did you "give" and he replied "you know me...I gave everything". He was crying, he had already separated from her, he wanted to stay with me. He never thought I would give him another chance. But I did. I even send him to her to appropriately put an end to this. This is what I thought I should do. The following month, I posed two questions for things that mattered to me and he lied for both. He was doing damage control. Both of them I found out alone later on and when I found out the second thing in November, this is when I got his timeline without even asking for it. That month (June that is) I felt he wasn't with me. I told him to leave, go be with her, I told him I didn,t want less than what I deserved, I told him I had no problem, I just wanted to find happiness, all this because I could see his half arsed try, I could see that he was still there... The 4th of August, we had one more fight. I again told him that he must do what he wants. He said that he wanted to leave, and that he thought he was in love with her. After a month of torture, I was able to breath....I immediately removed my self from the equation (my words"I don't want to hung around with you two POS") and I went on a planned weekend vacation with my sweet kids. I felt free. I felt relieved. I decided for once that it was too much. The following two days, he cried, begged, called my best friend to talk about what a POS he was. He begged even more. To the minute that I got home, I had already thought about the next steps. I told him, that I am going to stay for the kids. He has one chance. I didn't wanted him anymore like before. I had lost all respect for him. And...then....HB started....And I said he trickled truthed to death. I stayed and stayed and stayed..
So what does that make me? I don't know anymore.
Do they affair down? The ow was well educated, of medium attractiveness, divorced because she already had cheated on her husband. She had my age and two kids. She was clever obviously and I still to this day restle with the idea that he found so many things to talk about with her ("the were talking a lot").
I guess I need you guys...that I am reading all the time your stories, that I have no words to describe how much you are helping me, to talk to me....
After those two things that I found out my self, there was nothing more, I felt early on the moment that he got her off of his system. I found my lost sexuality because it was always there, and I had concealed it through the years in order not to provoque other men, and cause unnecessary heartacke to my hb. All my sexuality is at last chanelled in the right direction: HIM. But not for him, but rather for me. And he provides what I was asking for all those years.I want what was stolen from me for years.
Maybe This isn't the right thread to write this all down. I am so tired....Because things after infidelity seem neverending. The point raised in another thread about, feeling like shit for giving another chance....Ohhhh....I think about it every other day....
What makes people THAT MEAN?

My H planned to D me for the OW. She was a real train wreck and in some ways he was the knight in shining armor lol.

He kept telling me he wanted a D but yet did nothing about it.

On dday2 when I had enough I told him I was D him and yes, I had a plan and was doing something about it.

So we have happily reconciled and I have to say that we are on year 11 post Dday.

Difference? He could walk out the door tomorrow. I would be sad and hurt but not devastated. I know I would survive. Because I already did.

Phosphorescent,

You should probably start your own thread. In general if you want all kinds of advice from everyone, here in R if that's your primary goal, or in JFO if you are looking just for support from BS's.

Sounds like you have had a rough go of it in R, which is typical. R is a hell of a slog.