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Divorce/Separation :
Is trying to achieve closure even worth it?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 HurtAndBroken531 (original poster new member #83478) posted at 5:29 PM on Thursday, February 1st, 2024

Currently separated. Divorce is in process but I don't even know what that is really. Her sister and my dad are lawyers so everything has been fairly amicable. There's a settlement agreement that's being worked on where we both just walk away 50/50.

Recently I've still had a lot of anger and resentment and sadness. We don't talk except logistics for the kids.

I texted her in a moment of weakness last night and said, "are we ever going to have closure? Are we ever going to talk again?".

I did this because nearly every night when I put my kids to bed they tell me they miss their mom and their mom says she misses me. I don't think I want to work things out and realistically while I feel like I have so much to say to my ex, it's mainly all anger fueled things about how she could be such an entitled selfish person and how her relationship with the EA will be doomed to fail. None of it would be constructive. She still thinks her reasons for doing what she did were justified and she was "trying to find happiness" so really what would I even realistically need for closure?

She responded saying "of course I want to talk to you, I don't know that I can give you the closure you're looking for but I'm willing to try."

What's the best course of action here?

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8823184
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, February 1st, 2024

Closure for me has always come from within. I have a narcissistic ex, so finding any closure from him was non-existent. I also have no contact because communication with him has always been manipulative and it's the only way I can protect myself.

I'm not sure it matters what you hear from her. If it would make you feel better or hurt you worse. When you are in D the only communication you should have is finances and the kids.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:39 PM, Thursday, February 1st]

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8823186
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cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, February 1st, 2024

It depends on what kind of closure you are looking for and why. Are you looking for genuine apology from your WW and feel that might help you with your healing? Are you looking for validation that you didn’t cause WW’s infidelity? What exactly are you seeking? It’s a tough question but worth exploring.
End of a marriage is devastating especially when betrayal was involved. I think it’s very normal for the betrayed to be confused and not know quite how to move forward-meaning we can hold on to the tiniest bit of hope that our marriage can be salvaged and our WS can indeed change.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8823201
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:02 AM on Friday, February 2nd, 2024

I would say no. I mean, I absolutely get the need for answers to your questions, but the "closure" you are seeking does not exist, Friend.

You want your ex to feel the pain that she caused you and your family. You want to know what the hell she was thinking when she decided to embark upon an affair and split up your family. Going behind your back and against all that she SAID she was, too. But....do you really want to be vulnerable in front of her? Does she even deserve that? (HELL NO) And in the long run...would you even feel better about opening up to your STBXWW. I say no you won't, you it will instead feel like a hang-over. Which is what I meant by the "closure" you are seeking not existing.

Come on here and vent to your heart's content. But...she does not deserve to see you sad about divorcing her.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:14 AM, Friday, February 2nd]

posts: 928   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8823218
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:09 AM on Friday, February 2nd, 2024

On that note, I do wonder about your STBXWW's family's stance on her having an affair. And I am sure that your sons are expressing their pain and confusion to her too. My point of all of this is that whatever emotional pain or guilt you want your STBXWW to feel, she is probably already inoculated from it.

Your sons need you to be the strong sane one, to protect them from your STBXWW's nonsense. She doesn't deserve any more heart-to-heart talks from you.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:15 AM, Friday, February 2nd]

posts: 928   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8823219
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:45 AM on Friday, February 2nd, 2024

There's a "bullseye" post here Stay NC Post it Here, where you can post what you'd like to say to her. It does help to vent and can help you from reaching out.

It's doubtful she'd give you an answer that provides closure. You'll need to do the healing to get the closure for yourself. And it can take a couple of years to get there, so please give yourself grace.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8823228
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 8:08 AM on Friday, February 2nd, 2024

I texted her in a moment of weakness last night and said, "are we ever going to have closure? Are we ever going to talk again?".

Gently now... It looks like you are still making an excuse to yourself to talk to her. To keep on doing the Pick-Me dance.

As others have posted, 'closure' comes from within. It comes with self-respect and self-confidence.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8823238
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 4:34 PM on Friday, February 2nd, 2024

Closure for me has always come from within.

This is good.

I would, however, encourage you to not seek "closure" so much as you seek "acceptance." That's subtly different but in some very important ways.

Your ex cheated. She decided to break the promise of fidelity that she made to you, to herself, and to the public at large (i.e., that's what a marriage usually is, right?). You need to accept that her breaking that promise says an awful lot about her and virtually nothing about you.

If you accept that fact... then you will never play the pick-me game. You will lose your anger. You will be able to move on.

So, just as CBS said... your closure needs to come from within.

I don't think I want to work things out and realistically while I feel like I have so much to say to my ex, it's mainly all anger fueled things about how she could be such an entitled selfish person and how her relationship with the EA will be doomed to fail. None of it would be constructive.

As much as your anger is justifiable, it's not helpful for you. You need to let go of your anger. In my experience, once I let go of my anger... I didn't really have anything that I wanted to say to my ex any more.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8823358
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DuplinC ( new member #84398) posted at 5:34 AM on Sunday, February 11th, 2024

I divorced my XWW over 40 years ago. She was a doper and I got the kids after she had them less than a year. I didn't personally speak to her until 18 years later. Not having to see or listen to her was enough closure for me.

[This message edited by DuplinC at 9:05 PM, Monday, February 12th]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2024
id 8824220
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 8:50 AM on Sunday, February 11th, 2024

I won’t be seeking closure. It’ll just be a way for my exWW to get more attention, tell more lies and rationalise her hideous behaviour.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8824224
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 8:34 PM on Monday, February 12th, 2024

One appealing idea I heard recently from my IC is to write a victim impact statement. I'm a former prosecutor and victims in my state are allowed to address the court and talk about how the crime affected them. I've often heard victims say doing this really helped them. My therapist suggested I do the same thing, as a victim of infidelity. She also counsels couples and says she recommends that for couples trying to reconcile it can be helpful for the BS to write and read an impact statement to the WS, although I doubt the utility of sharing it in a case like yours or mine.

Me: BW. XCH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Divorced 4/2024.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8824342
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Apollos ( new member #84379) posted at 10:27 PM on Monday, February 12th, 2024

Generally speaking, closure is seeking a positive outcome to a bad situation or bad circumstances. Relationships that end, most end with frayed edges.

Those who seek closure are actually looking for the outcome they want, the one they envision that will help heal and recover. In other words, closure is... they want what they want. But, that depends on someone else providing it. Demanding closure from others does not work. Closure doesn't happen between people.

The question becomes, considering the person who hurt you, who betrayed you, is it a realistic expectation for that person to finally "get it" and respond contrary to their known pattern of behavior?

posts: 37   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2024
id 8824358
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nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 7:37 PM on Sunday, February 18th, 2024

You will never get closure from her. She is never going to say the things that you think constantly in your mind. She’s not going to have an epiphany and suddenly realize she is a selfish cheater.

Closure comes from within in the form of accepting that you don’t need to her to agree with you or how you view the situation.

It’s hard. I still get angry at my ex in my head - it isn’t that I want him back (hell to the no…),it’s that the pervasive gaslighting nags at me, and some days I still struggle to accept that I KNOW what I KNOW, and I don’t need him to confirm it, agree, apologize, anything.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5731   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8825186
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BurnedYoung ( new member #82946) posted at 10:06 PM on Sunday, February 18th, 2024

Your STBXWW has forsaken you and her vows for:"my wife has told me he has depression, mental health issues and has had suicidal thoughts."

She is broken and delusional.

What type of closure do you need?
Set her free and proceed to live a great life.

Everyone knew except me

posts: 8   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8825204
Topic is Sleeping.
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