How to know if my connection with someone is real or trauma bonding?

I've been dating on and off for several months. Usually casually and mostly because I wasn't in a place where I thought I was ready for a relationship.

After some time, I decided I wanted to try and meet someone for the purpose of a relationship so I started to act differently with dating. I wasn't talking to multiple people at once, I would talk with one person at a time at least until we went on a date or two and then usually passed for whatever reason.

Then I met this woman. Remarkable. As it turns out, her 16 year marriage had just ended due to infidelity on her husbands part. She was wading back into the dating pool. She had dated someone for a few months but it wasn't serious so she ended it. We spend the first few days texting, talking on the phone and then at night spending 3-5 hours on facetime. At first it's all about commiseration about what we've been through. We finally feel like we've met someone who understands what we endured. Eventually the conversation turns to other things. We have so much alike. Interests, values, all of it. We keep talking. Every night still 3-5 hours on facetime. We're in week 4 and I recently tallied it up. We've spent 23 hours on the phone, 35 hours on facetime, plus countless texts each day. We've met in person 4 times and the chemistry and tension is there. We both admit there's serious feelings here. Our communication is truly unlike anything I've ever experienced. We tell each other everything and we talk about anything with no fear of judgement. I dont know what this will be long term as I'm not trying to have expectations but I finally feel like I have a good model for a healthy relationship that I maybe never had with my ex.

My only concern is if this is becoming something because of a trauma bond or something similar. Everything else about us seems to align for the most part. The way we value family, our views on things, etc.

It's getting real very fast, and I think it's entirely plausible I love this woman. I know it's early/honeymoon/etc, but it feels so fast? Is that a problem. We've spent so much time engaging and I truly feel safe with her and she feels the same.

What pitfalls or traps may I be missing?

Thanks for any guidance.

7 comments posted: Sunday, June 16th, 2024

How do I get past this?

I feel like I am so hot and cold when it comes to communication with her. On one hand, I want to talk to her, to share about our kids and to still be her best friend and in the next moment I hate her guts and wish her an unhappy life. I still daydream about taking the AP's head off with a bat. They are still together. I saw them in the car together and it was the first time I have seen them in person and I had a panic attack.

According to her sister she is on eggshells when it comes to doing anything since she feels like I am using any opportunity to attack her or use something she did wrong against her to take the kids. I'm not intentionally doing that but I also feel like I'm the only one making decisions with their best interest in mind. She created this reality. I don't know how I can ever have any sort of relationship with her as long as the AP is still in the picture. (for the time being it looks like that wont change). I'll never be okay with him in my childrens lives. (thankfully she has to wait six months from when the divorce is settled before she can).

Everyone keeps telling me my feelings will subside and I won't feel this way once I meet someone and that I won't hate her and the AP forever, in fact I may be thankful that he took such a horrible person out of my life but I'm still just so heartbroken.

I caved last week and went to her place late at night when she had the kids and asked her to come outside so I could hug her. We hugged for a minute and then I left and I was so mad at myself for being so weak.

I feel like I can't say anything to her or even try to talk to her to tell her how she's made me feel because A) what's the point and B) she'll just talk to her new love of her life about it and it will be fuel for them to be even more connected because "he understands her completely".

I hold it together for my kids and then when they are with her I'm just a complete wreck.

5 comments posted: Thursday, April 25th, 2024

Why is my ex suddenly a better mom to our kids? Should we not

I don't interact with my ex much. I try to minimize it as much as possible. Switch off's happen via school and we only talk logistics about the kids. I'm still very much in a feeling of hate and anger towards her and the AP and I don't ever want to speak or see her if I don't have to.

That being said, we both still send snapchats to our families. Her family has a snapchat group and mine does and we always try to send snaps to both families. Recently it seems like she's been a really good mom. Something she wasn't before. She was so distant and closed off and now suddenly she's the mom she should have been during our marriage? It's just confusing. Her older sister, who is only of the only family members she still speaks to *(I talk to her parents and younger sister more than she does) says that she claims that her AP makes her happy and that he understands her completely. So as fucked up as it is that things happened the way they did, is it possible this is what needed for her to happen to be a better mom to my kids?

Being with me just wasn't enough apparently and so now that she's with someone else she can be the mom she should have been?

I'm struggling with this idea that she felt so badly about our relationship that she couldn't be present and happy but now that she's with someone else she can be. I'm still left to pick up the pieces of my life and I know I'm in no shape to be with someone so I feel very alone having no one to talk to or no one to share the joys of parenting with while she has a person to do that with.

I recognize that both things can be true (how she handled things were so bad and yet her new situation could make her a better parent) and so really we shouldn't have been together?

I'm just confused.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 16th, 2024

Experiencing increased anger and resentment towards my ex. I'm afraid it's going to affect my kids

I'm currently in a space where I hate my Ex. Our divorce settlement is nearly finished. It's been a cordial process. 50/50 split down the middle and walk away. No fighting over anything.

I think maybe in the back of my mind I expected her to eventually come crawling back, but it's clear now that's not happening. Now that I realize that I also realize that I basically don't have any sort of closure or information. I feel like there's so much I don't know. There were so much lying that I have no idea how to determine what might have been truth. She also just wouldn't talk or tell me things. I know that she emotionally detached from me for a while so she felt no need to help me heal.

So as things stand I feel fury towards her and the AP. We've been able to coparent fine and only talk kid logistics but I no longer want to even talk to her about the kids. I want zero contact. I know I can't do that but I'm afraid I'm going to be vindictive here and seek to punish her. In reality I think I'm going to be punishing my kids more.

How do I let go of the anger? I'm not an angry person and I just feel rage. Even through all of this I've never yelled at her or anyone. I box and workout to help work out some of the physical aspects of my anger but it's even stronger now than it was last year when I found out. DDay was 5/31/24 so coming up on a year now.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

How to handle things when it's impacting the children?

I have two sons 7 & 5.

My older son seemingly has been unphased by the separation. He was upset when we told them that mommy and daddy wouldn't be living together anymore, but he's also autistic and so he doesn't fully comprehend everything that's been happening.

My younger son is significantly more sensitive and has been acting out at school. Ever since the affair started his behaviors escalated. It got really bad in Nov/Dec when we had to pick him up early from school for hitting other kids 3 or 4 times a week almost every week. For a period there he got better but it's started back up again. I noticed it previously and am noticing again that his behaviors seem to only happen after he's been with him mom. While I haven't been tracking exactly, I'm fairly certain that the past 8 or 9 out of 10 times directly happened right after or during the time that they were with their mom.

I'm not saying she's a bad mom. She sends snapchats to our family and from what I can tell they are eating/being fed/etc. I do think she let's them watch too much tv or ipad and although I've tried to have conversations with her about it she just get defensive and bites my head off. There was an incident in the fall where I discovered she had let the boys use the ipads for 6 hours in one day. I kept calm and tried to have a conversation about how we would co-parent but she just lit into me telling me that I'm tracking her. We decided from there that we would each parent our own way.

I don't want to take the kids from their mom. I'm concerned there's something about the environment with her that is not right and I don't know what to do about it.

I am going to start tracking these kind of incidents but has anyone else experienced this?

4 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

Being the bigger person

For the most part my ex and I dont talk anymore. We text about logistics for the kids but we're not friends. We don't see each other unless necessary like during a kid switch. The only other thing we do together is stuff for the kids like sports or concerts and doctors visits. My younger son had his well visit yesterday. So the three of us are in the waiting room for a while and we're playing and talking with him. Playing eye spy and he's hiding and all that. I can tell he's so happy to have us both there. I tried to be present and frankly, it was a nice time. It felt like we were a family again. Enjoying each other's company.

It makes me hurt and angry like what was so wrong with us that she didn't want that and did the thing she did.

Ultimately, if I really tried, I could put everything aside in those moments when we are all together for the sake of my kids. I could do my best to have a good time and give them that joy. Could I probably get to a point of just friendship with no animosity? Yes.

But how the fuck is that fair?

She blows up up my life and destroys my soul and she gets what she wants out of everything and I have to be the bigger person and take it on the chin?

I know its possible things blow up for her. I hope it does. I wish it will. I expect it will. I'm afraid and scared it won't.

But yea, I feel like I need to be the bigger person but it's so hard.

11 comments posted: Saturday, February 3rd, 2024

Is trying to achieve closure even worth it?

Currently separated. Divorce is in process but I don't even know what that is really. Her sister and my dad are lawyers so everything has been fairly amicable. There's a settlement agreement that's being worked on where we both just walk away 50/50.

Recently I've still had a lot of anger and resentment and sadness. We don't talk except logistics for the kids.

I texted her in a moment of weakness last night and said, "are we ever going to have closure? Are we ever going to talk again?".

I did this because nearly every night when I put my kids to bed they tell me they miss their mom and their mom says she misses me. I don't think I want to work things out and realistically while I feel like I have so much to say to my ex, it's mainly all anger fueled things about how she could be such an entitled selfish person and how her relationship with the EA will be doomed to fail. None of it would be constructive. She still thinks her reasons for doing what she did were justified and she was "trying to find happiness" so really what would I even realistically need for closure?

She responded saying "of course I want to talk to you, I don't know that I can give you the closure you're looking for but I'm willing to try."

What's the best course of action here?

13 comments posted: Friday, February 2nd, 2024

Emotionally detaching & WS hitting rock bottom

So about six weeks out from DDay. Where things currently stand are that I asked my WW to move out after she broke my boundaries about lying. She’s currently living in a hotel and looking for her own place. Our therapist suggested that we needed that separation of space so we can both figure out what we want. In addition I’ve pulled back in terms of communication. We only talk about the kids/house/finances and even then it’s only in text. Physically I have reduced being around her as much as possible to where it’s basically just in passing and there is very little in person contact and again it’s mainly the kids. We are split schedule right now (one parent AM and one PM) but once she has a place we will move to full day for each parent (one day on one day off).

We have been going to couples therapy but progress has been difficult. We are going to pause and do discernment counseling for the next few weeks to figure out which direction to go since she is still
Indecisive. If I believe my spouse (not sure I do but honestly it doesn’t matter) she has stopped talking to AP except for professional work matters so that’s about 2.5 weeks of that.

I need to start emotionally detaching myself from her as the next step to what will ultimately end up in divorce. I need advice on doing this as I still struggle.

Last night a mutual friend let me know that my WW told her she felt like she as hit rock bottom. (I didn’t know this because as I said our contact is minimal so I really don’t know what’s going on with her). In addition that friend says she feels like WW is looking for someone to tell her it’s okay to walk away. So to me that also means that it’s really just a matter of time before she is able to make that decision on her own and so I need to move towards the conclusion that she does not want to reconcile and there won’t be any sort of healing between us.

Any and all thoughts/advice is appreciated.

46 comments posted: Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Wife is paralyzed and doesn’t know what she wants

My wife had an A which I discovered over a month ago. For the past month things have been rocky and she’s moved out of the house so we can have some distance. We are in therapy but she says she is paralyzed and doesn’t know what she wants to do. She is slowly pulling away from the AP and her and I are on okay terms but primarily just speaking about our boys and house stuff.

She says she doesn’t know if she wants to reconcile, end things because she doesn’t want me as a life partner (though she says she’s open to it - I’m hoping therapy helps us in this regard), end things to be single, end things to be with the guy or one of seemingly a hundred other possibilities. I’ve told her I’ll give her time to figure things out as long as we continue therapy.

She’s told me she hasn’t felt seen, heard, validates or desired in a long time. While I haven’t been the best emotional partner, I also believe she’s closed herself off to me trying to make her feel those things. So there’s some broken stuff within her she needs to fix including how to be happy, how to forgive (she still holds stuff against me that happened a decade ago).

I guess my question is how long can someone truly be paralyzed and not know what direction they want to go and what things can I do to make her start feeling seen, heard, validated (desired would need to come later). I want to reconcile but only if she’s going to commit truly and not have one foot in one foot out.

Thank you all for you support.

47 comments posted: Wednesday, July 5th, 2023