SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I am drafting this, d-day was 13 years and 2 hours ago, and I've recently found a previously unexpected store of pain that I have to deal with. It's not that I feel as if I've been snapped back to d-day, though - it's just another set of nasty messages I've always sent myself without realizing I was doing so.

Life with my W is great if you account for age. Her memory isn't what it was, and I'm scared about that. She's even more scared. We're weaker, slower, quicker to succumb to an injury and slower to heal, sex is something we value for what we can do rather than for what we can't. I wish I had made more money. I wished I had become a lawyer. My hearing is not close to what I want it to be.

But I still ride my bike; I'm slower, but safer. We still enjoy going out, and we enjoy staying in. I've found some streaming services that are extremely interesting, given our interests. I keep finding new novels to read. I don't enjoy music as much as I did, because it sounds so different from before; I'm hoping the next generation of hearing aids does the trick. I'm stressed out by politics, anti-social media, misinformation.

It's really hard to pin down how my life today is impacted by my W's A. She cheated. We dealt with it. It's a traumatic part of my history, and it's part of our history together. But when my memory reminds me of the A and the aftermath, I think it's one of today's stresses or issues that my lizard brain is afraid is as painful as the A was, not that the A ruined my life.

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Don't get me wrong. I don't think the A was or is anything positive. My W said she had to do something to learn how effed up she was, and that has the ring of truth. I'm glad she didn't break any laws, but I'm sure there are ways of breaking down (so she could rebuild) that wouldn't have hurt me as much as her A did. (I can think of at least one, but I won't name it.)

*****

The tactics I used to recover and heal include the following.

I believed in myself. I stopped myself from ruminating too long on what she did to me, on how she hurt me, and on what a rotten person she was. Instead, I looked into my feelings and into what ruminating allowed me to avoid. I felt my pain and let it flow; that released it, if I wasn't ruinating.

I accepted that I hurt much more than I expected to hurt and gave myself time for processing the pain out of my body.

I created an 'observer' who saw me in pain and helped me navigate the waves of pain. That observer made me look at my sitch from several PsOV, and that helped me develop and keep perspective.

I developed the strength to ignore thoughts about what I should do and focused on what I wanted to do. When I accepted that I wanted to R, I figured out my requirements, got my W's agreement to meet the requirements, and held her to account.

I used SI to show me the many ways to deal with being betrayed and used what I saw to resolve my specific issues.

My intention is the opposite of bragging. What I hope you read in this post is that we ALL have similar or analogous strengths. We ALL can figure out what we want and what is attainable. We ALL can make a right decision for ourselves. We ALL can survive and thrive.

The tactics I used to R included the following.

I raised issues shortly after becoming aware of them. I owned my feelings - I said things like, 'I'm furious that your did ____,' not 'You're horrible for doing _____.' My mind brought up good memories from our 40+ years together, not the bad ones. I didn't feel in charge of that, though - instead, my ruminating about being a Victim usually resulted in bringing up a good memory, often to my annoyance.

The tactics I used worked for me. I hope readers, especially new BSes, recognize that they can find their own strengths and adopt these and similar tactics for acting in their own best interests.

*****

I urge you not to adopt D or R as your goal. I urge you to adopt multiple goals - 1) to heal the pain you feel; 2) to figure out what you want; 3) to get as much of what you want as possible; 4) to live a good life that you've created for yourself.

That may sound pretty selfish, and I'll accept that. But I put it in selfish terms because I believe serving one's self requires giving and getting. I simply can't help believing that one cannot be healthy or satisfied unless one does both.

*****

I urge new members - all members - to take Oldwounds's comment to heart:

I think the key to recovering from the Hell of infidelity is Universal, and that’s belief in oneself first — be it R or D.

I wish healing and (re)establishing a good life to all.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:52 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

Speaking as a relative newcomer with a skeptical mind, wisdom and knowledge shines thru your posts and lends great credibility to this community. It has helped me personally to trust this place, to see that it contains information worth listening to and that it’s a safe place to open up in. So thank you for all that you do here and may you and your wife have many more good years together.

Thank you, sisoon, for sharing that.

I'm also quite a few years out from DDay, but the layers of the betrayal onion are many and deep, and I keep peeling them back and finding more. I'm kind of thinking that the time for onion-peeling and navel-gazing is coming to an end, though, and the time for just getting on with it for Pete's sake has finally arrived for me. It's long past time to quit picking at the wound.

I'm also experiencing the strange effects of getting older. I'm 55 and just had an eye exam where they told me that I have the beginnings of cataracts. How is that possible?! I feel perpetually 16 inside! It's weird to get old. Also, the stressors of our current political climate are affecting me, too. I've become somewhat of a hermit. Not agoraphobic, but it's hard to break the forcefield of the front door sometimes.

Anyway, thank you for this post, and thank you for all of your kind wisdom here at SI.

Sacred, Note that my W's A lasted 4.5 months, and it's her only A. We had a good to very good long-standing M, and d-day occurred only after my W had realized she was effed up. IOW, not many layers to peel back. Also, my W was committed to 'getting straight' whether we R'ed or D'ed.

Sacred, Note that my W's A lasted 4.5 months, and it's her only A. We had a good to very good long-standing M, and d-day occurred only after my W had realized she was effed up. IOW, not many layers to peel back. Also, my W was committed to 'getting straight' whether we R'ed or D'ed.

Yes, the first part is very different from what I experienced: Three As over 14 of the 16 years of our marriage. (One DDay.) And a partner poacher AP.

The latter is similar: A WS who was tired of his own crap and committed to stopping the insanity, come hell or high water. Thank god.

Sisoon - just wanted to say that I find you to be a valuable resource here. Thank you for sharing this update. And thank you for being a pretty calming presence here. I wish all the best to you and yours.

You are a great example of forgiveness and success in this awful journey. I’m older too. It’s great that you both have made peace with this and will be with each other to the end. Just for the sake of everyone here who appreciates your guidance, take care of yourself and don’t let the end come anytime soon 😀

Thank you for this, it gives me hope. I'm at the beginning stages of this journey and only just beginning to realize that I have to heal myself regardless of what my partner does and regardless of whether we stay together or break up. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I know it's a long road.

sisoon we belong to the same class and have watched each other’s journeys.

Although you and HT have very different posting styles, lol, I do believe you have a lot of the same beliefs in healing from infidelity.

Thank you for posting an update. I think it is beneficial for newcomers to hear from us old timers in regards to our personal journey every now and then.

Powerful update Sisoon!

I urge you not to adopt D or R as your goal. I urge you to adopt multiple goals - 1) to heal the pain you feel; 2) to figure out what you want; 3) to get as much of what you want as possible; 4) to live a good life that you've created for yourself.

And this is essentially what I did, because of your example and your kindness, helping so many souls in pain here.

One we get back on our feet, the most amazing step for me was knowing what I wanted and going for it without any fear of the outcome.

Thanks again for all that you do and have done here for others!

Thanks for the kind words. I believe I'm here because I still have some healing to do, and I'm still learning from everyone, so thanks back to all.

HT ... what a great model of diplomacy ... uh ... well ... however his posts can be described, he's GREAT at getting his message across.

Thanks for the update, you have done so much to help me through this storm. You were there from day one for me. I appreciate all you do.

..Hi there Sisoon.. long time, no see! I have not been on Si much this past while.

As you approach 30,000 posts, it should be clear to you that both old and new members find your thoughts and messages relevant, even when factoring in the major difference in the dynamics of the 'same sex' affair.

May you continue to understand and heal and most importantly forgive your wife for the betrayal so many years ago.
May 2024 bring everyone peace and tranquility in these troubled times.

smy