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I am heading into year 2 of R. I find myself constantly evaluating to make sure WH is a good candidate for R. What trips me up is the wayward mentality he had in the beginning of R. For the first six months of so of R he did and say things that make me wonder if R is possible. Examples: He didn’t want to delete her contact or photos from his phone. He didn’t want to block her bc he was sure she was not going to contact him (she dumped him in a nasty way) . He kept momentous from their A. He said to a friend that it’s ok to have a crush on a married woman. He has since deleted photos, blocked, threw away everything in front of me. I’ve checked his phone and they are all blocked and gone. He is doing things right and I can feel and tell a huge difference now. HOWEVER, when I think about the way he was in the beginning of R, I can’t help wonder if that’s who he really is. And he’s just pretending now? Or did he finally "get it?" How much weight do I put on his behavior in the first few months of R? Can someone really change that fast?

Some people can change.
Some people won't change.
The only thing you can do is look for consistency of action and make your judgement based on that.

For the first year post D day, my wife was selfish and admitted such. She is more understanding but I feel she still puts her needs before mine. It’s just that the first year she was having trouble coming out of the fog and the affair relationship

It's possible that he's placating you, and it's also possible that he finally "gets it."

My H had a frustrating adjustment at first. He didn't want to "be mean" to the AP by ignoring her at work. A few weeks in, we fought for days over whether he should be able to return to a "cordial coworker" relationship with her. He wanted to be able to wish her a happy birthday and not be awkward when he passed her in the hall. It took a hard and swift kick in the ass from the MC for him to realize that being nice to her in any way was betraying me and breaking NC. I'll take every opportunity to share this, because it still makes me laugh: MC said, "You can't treat her like any other coworker. You didn't fuck your other coworkers." That was a huge lightbulb moment for him and complete and total vindication for me.

He held a lot of guilt for leading AP on and making her sad by dumping her suddenly, despite me reminding him repeatedly that she was aware from the start that he was married AND that he had told her that he just wanted to be FWB and would never leave me.

He said things like, "If this hadn't happened, y'all would really like each other. I'm sad that I ruined any chance of us all being friends." That kind of crap drove me nuts.

He admitted to having lingering soft feelings for her for a while after starting R, even though he was all in on wanting to R and be with me. (I demanded honestly and, by god, I got it. Sometimes it stung.)

So yeah, I think your H's behavior is pretty normal for a new WS.

Maybe he was still foggy and now the fog has cleared? IDK.

My ExWW started out kicking ass and then progressively started screwing up and losing the initiative, the reverse of what your WS is doing.

If his progression trend is improving, rather than digressing, than you maybe on the right track.

If my WS refused to remove her AP from her contacts and refused to rid our life of her affair momentos immediately after D-day, I would have lost my shit and, her hesitation to do so would haunt me, as it does you.

In my mind, R doesn’t start until there’s complete NC. So, for "the first six months of R" I would have considered ourselves to be in limbo, not R, until we have confirmed full NC. IMHO, your R didn’t really start until he complied with your request to remove her from his life entirely. You’re really only a year and half into R, and that’s still relatively early in.

It’s understandable that you still have reservations. His trend seems encouraging. Watch how he trends. If he’s tracking in the right direction, there’s hope.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:28 AM, Tuesday, October 31st]

It sounds like the addiction of the affair was the reason why it was hard for him to let go and cut all ties.

It’s what the betrayed calls the "affair fog". My H went through it after dday1. Which led to the affair re-starting and led to dday2 months later.

However I saw a big change in him after dday2. There was no waffling or trying to negotiate "remaining friends" with the OW. It was over!!

Reconciliation wasn’t about me evaluating him. For me it was more me figuring out whether I wanted to stay married to someone like him. He had a 4 year EA that he refused to admit to, an EA/PA midlife crisis affair wherein he wanted to D me and I’m certain more EAs over the years that I did not recognize as they were work / grad school "friends".

I used to think I was the luckiest girl alive that I had such a great spouse. Now? I think he’s the luckiest guy alive b/c I did everything for him.

Now? I put myself first. Not him. Not the marriage.

I would agree with RealityBlows:

If his progression trend is improving, rather than digressing, than you maybe on the right track.

I think there’s definitely some lingering fog that goes away slowly. My WW and and her AP both dropped things instantly, but full understanding took much longer. I remember about 6 months after the affair ended, my wife proudly told me that she had deleted him from her contacts. I felt like, "WTF? Do you want a cookie?"

As a disclaimer - I was a WW in my first marriage 17+ years ago, currently a BW in my 2nd marriage.

As a WW I remember suddenly having zero control of anything, and as a grown adult that really pissed me off. All of a sudden I was treated like a troubled teenage child by me XBH. Where was I going, who was I talking to, how long will you be gone, let me see your phone, give me your passwords, ect.

Holding onto things like AP's name, phone number, and some details from the A was the only thing I could control, so I did.

XBH and I didn't ever really get into R, though we did go to a few counseling sessions. I was still very much in the fog and defensive. All of a sudden, everything wrong with the marriage was ALL my fault now. That he was the perfect little BH and I was the wicked witch of the west. I didn't understand that before we could get into the WHOLE marital issues, we had to deal with this pain I caused, which was really all my fault.

Even though I regretted my ONS immediately and knew that it was the absolute wrong thing to do, it took me A LONG time, many many individual counseling sessions, many books, and a lot of healing to finally realized how stupid, immature, and childish I had acted and thought. That even though I had valid feelings about how our marriage was, it never ever justified what I had done.

My question though to you Cedarwoods is, have you asked your WS why he finally blocked and deleted everything?

If you ask him and he says - Because you asked me to, that's a placation response. He either needs to do deeper healing or he's only doing this to get you off his case.

If you ask him and he says - Because it was the right thing to do, that holding on to those things was harmful to not only you but to himself. That is a deeper healing response. This kind of thinking tends to mean that he's creating new thought processes, changing his character and morals beyond just placating you.

I'm there too.

In a couple months will be two years post Dday 1. There was trickle truth and a couple other ddays for about 6 months after that while my WW pulled her head out of her affair fogged ass.

Part of the problem was I kept finding pics of her EA AP on her phone, laptop... or search history where she was still looking him up (different state, fully virtual EA)etc.

Or she kept pictures of her I KNEW she had sent to him (non-risque, she had the sense to get rid of all those early on). Was like whack-a-mole.

I don' know if they ever fully "get it".

Early on when I demanded she erase all traces including gaming apps where she originally 'met' and started chatting with the EA AP, her response was, "who makes the rules that I can't keep a picture or play a game?".

And then I did lose my shit and basically told her that hanging onto any of that was 100% incompatible with us staying together and she had to choose. And she she did choose wisely... finally.

I have full access to everything and know there is nothing left, no contact, etc. So while we're technically in R, and she's made heaps of improvements, I still struggle to feel it's me doing the heavy lifting and wondering if she'll ever "get it".

The wayward mentality is, sadly, all too predictable and I'm still evaluating if she will be a good candidate for R in the long-term. I'm the first to admit that I take liberal hits from the "hopium crack pipe" from time to time. But my red lines and boundaries are 100% clear and she also knows it's zero tolerance for any future indiscretion (no matter how minor eg. If find even one more pic ANYWHERE I'm done).

Guess my point after all this is that, we all know what you're going through. It sucks.

I can’t help wonder if that’s who he really is. And he’s just pretending now? Or did he finally "get it?" How much weight do I put on his behavior in the first few months of R? Can someone really change that fast?

My WW changed after Dday 2, I think it took time for the fog to lift, but when it did she has been solid, not perfect, for 4 years. The problem was I didn't believe what I was seeing, so it took a while convince me I was seeing real change.