Attempting to R but...
But how do you actually do it?
While his EA's are not new, the fact that he's finally the one driving the 'lets fix us' bus is. Honestly, this time everything is vastly different and if I am honest with you all, it's really uncomfortable and strange for me. He set up the counseling for us, though we haven't had our first appointment yet.
We have tried to talk to each other and sometimes it goes ok. An issue we have, though, is he wants to jump right into making the marriage better and I keep telling him we can't do anything about the other marital issues until we can work through the cheating.
I told him that I don't have it in me to invest time and energy into a person that I can't trust my heart and emotions with.
I told him that, for me, there is a difference in choosing to trust a person and being unable to trust someone. After the first few EA's, I just chose to trust him, knowing that it could happen again, but I wanted to believe that it wouldn't. This time however, I physically/literally cannot trust him - even if I wanted too.
I told him that before this EA, I still believed that no matter what was going on, if we were angry at each other or whatnot, that I knew he loved me. Now though, I don't believe it at all. He told me that he does love me very much. I told him that he's lying to himself and me because you can't truly love someone and cheat on them multiple times. That's not how that works.
The problem is - I don't know how to get to the other side of his EA's. I don't know if having full access to his phone and computer is enough. I don't know if Google locations always on is enough. I don't know if him stepping up is enough.
I have been so utterly broken this time that I don't know if the pieces can be picked up.
When we talked recently, I told him that we don't know each other anymore. Neither of us are the same people we were 16 years ago. I need more then just our children in common to be able to stay together.
Is it just time that I need while we work on ourselves?
How do you start to integrate other marital issues in, even if you are not fully through the affair?
3 comments posted: Wednesday, November 29th, 2023
How do you do it?
Short recap - caught WH in his 4th EA in the last 12 years. I confronted October 2nd, he lied to me the very next morning, and we had it out again.
I know that this is fresher than fresh, but how in the heck do you deal with this new super attentive, super helpful person that WP's turn into after getting caught/confessing?
On the one hand, it's great. It's what I have wanted for, forever!
On the other hand, I want to throat punch him, or be snarky, or just cruel, or whatever.
Like, you could have been doing this THE WHOLE TIME and we would be in a completely different situation. You obviously CAN be this way and do these things, but you didn't. Was I not worth it then? What makes me worth it now?
How long will this actually last? Until you get tired of trying to be this new 'you' that you are now pretending to be so that I get off your back and you can go back to the real you?
My birthday is coming up. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told him I don't know. He said, well, I need to know what to get you.
HA, You have been with me for almost 15 years and you don't know me well enough to get me some birthday presents?
I told him I am not in the head space to even worry about my birthday. That part of me loves that he wants to get me things that I want, and the other part me wants to throw them at him.
He told me that my birthday is important to him and I ALMOST went off on him again. Cause you see ladies and gents - I turned 40 last year and all he got me was a CARD, from the kids. That's it. When I told him that, he's like "but we went to dinner and I took you to that one place after and you got somethings." Yes, we went to dinner, then we went to bath and body works, where I picked out my own presents, was rushed because they were closing, and that was that.
Happy 40th to me!
Is it normal to like them one minute and damn near hate them the next? How do I even start thinking about R if all I want to do is make him hurt like I hurt? Does this go away?
7 comments posted: Tuesday, November 7th, 2023
How Do You Confront?
I am almost a week out now from finding suspicious texts on WH's work phone. I need to have this confrontation/conversation with him soon because I am not handling things well. I really wanted to wait it out and just watch, but I haven't slept more than an hour or two a night since October 26th. I can't eat much, and I am just physically not doing well.
My problem is that I do not want him to know how I know. He has no idea that I know the passcode to his work phone. It's an Iphone and it needs 6 digits for the code and it was a miracle that I didn't lock his phone out a few times trying to figure it out to begin with.
I've been married to him for almost 15 years, so I already know how this will go. As soon as I accuse him he will be like "well, you said that one thing to that one person, how is this different".....Well, first of all, I have 1 male friend that I talk to. He's more like a brother and there's never been anything between us. I let go of all of my other male friends at the beginning of our relationship because he felt that they were too flirty with me....(the damn irony makes me want to 
)
How do I kept the conversation going in the right direction? Just not address what he says? Are there key phrases out there that can help?
I was going to check the phone tonight one more time for anything new and then prepare for a confrontation on Wednesday.
33 comments posted: Sunday, November 5th, 2023
Well, I'm Back Too.
I am sorry, this will be a bit long. I am floored with how many people I see that are also saying they are back.
I want to start by giving a little background on myself. I am 41 and mother to DS(14) and DD(12). My current H and I have been married for almost 15 years. I actually found this website over 16 years ago after I divorced my first husband. To say that this place and the people in it saved my existence would be an understatement. I am trying to remember all of the rules, so I am posting here first for my emotional safety, but if it needs to move, please feel free. I couldn't for the life of me remember my screen name and all of the email accounts I had from back then are disabled.
When I started here so long ago, I was actually the WP. I had an ONS and immediately felt sick, regretful, angry, terrified..just all of the feelings. I was an absolute horrible person to my XH. He actually wanted to work it out, but in my head I did not want to be married anymore with a side of, I didn’t deserve him, with a heaping portion of, I am the world’s biggest F’up and deserve to die single old miserable woman for what I did. Morally it was completely out of character for me. I read so many posts here before I posted in Wayward and realized that while I did an absolute atrocious thing, I wasn’t a horrible person. I went to therapy, read so many books, and have so many more boundaries for myself.
But as I said, I am back, only this time, I am the BS (with no MadHatter in this relationship). Our relationship was incredibly fast and if I am honest with myself and all of you, I should never have entered into to it. I was still way to raw and unhealed, but I was also scared, lonely, and alone. We were both single and had an immediate lust attraction. I was drunk with the idea that even though he knew my history, he still liked me. A few months together and surprise! we found out we were pregnant with DS. We got married and well….the rest is history as they say.
As far as I know, H (47) has never had a PA, only EA’s. I say as far as I know, but it’s mostly just because I have never found solid evidence of one. It does not make this any better, just giving information. The first EA was about 5 years in, which I thought would be the last because we actually did go to therapy, we worked on us. I stopped looking through his phone and computer, I felt good about our relationship. A few months prior to our 10 year anniversary, I had a large kidney stone and was at home recovering when I saw his email open on our home computer. This is when I found out he had a secret email account I knew nothing about. I was stupid and made him disable it immediately. I should have kept it going so that I could get the real truth, not just what he fed me. I have honestly never trusted him since.
We moved to our current home in 2020 when he changed jobs. He worked nights and I couldn’t sleep one night and hopped onto our computer. He had left his Facebook page open, and he was getting message from a woman at like 2am. None of the messages were sexually explicit, however,
1. Why was he asking to meet a woman, in a park, at 2am
2. Why did she feel the need to let him know that she was in a relationship now, so they could only talk.
He swears there was nothing physical – I on the other hand, don’t believe that for a second.
I pretty much broke as a person after that. I don't recognize myself anymore. He has and did and does refuse any and all therapy for himself, for us, and as a family. He refuses to read any books with me. Refuses to do any self lead couples help with me. He just wants to sweep it right under the rug.
I am not proud of this, but about a year ago, I figured out the code on his work phone. He doesn’t know I know. Honestly, since I have known it, I have seen nothing nefarious. Until last week. I found deleted message between him and a woman and again…nothing sexual, but the innuendo’s and his past history gives me the feeling that this is only a small portion of their interactions. I took pictures of everything so he couldn’t fully delete them and then gaslight me.
I am not ready to have this conversation. Half of me wants to just leave right now. The other half for some ungodly reason, wants to find out if they actually have been or will become physical. I can’t confront him with how I know, because then he will change the code on his phone, but I have no idea how to have this conversation without the proof I have.
At this point, I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I know that it’s fear, but practically, I just can’t afford to leave with the kids. I can’t afford our house on my own (even with child support). If it was just me, I would find a one bedroom or studio in a heartbeat and file for divorce.
I can’t be in a marriage with someone who I don’t think I will ever trust again. Even if I confront and he actually starts doing all of the things I need him to do, I would constantly just wait for the other shoe to drop.
And for some stupid reason, I still love him. I know that there is nothing wrong with that, but man does it make it hard to get off this damn fence.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, October 31st, 2023
Well, I'm Back Too. (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Monday, October 30th, 2023
