SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a long time. Years. I put in so much work. So did WW.

She just said she wants a divorce. That she’s been unhappy for a while. And truthfully I knew she had been unhappy—the last year she bounced all over the place with her career, wanting a baby, wanting a puppy, wanting to move across the country. I tried to stay stable and let her find what was going to make her happy while she was undergoing a mid life crisis.

Turns out, you can never trust a serial cheater. I feel *really* stupid for trying to make this work for so many years, finally letting my guard down, only to find out… she wants a divorce. And she’s focusing on how she was unhappy, but after pressing, revealed she’s been talking to some other man for 2 weeks and insists it’s just been commiserating about their relationships.

Look, I know—I used to be an expert. More has *always* happened than a wayward reveals. I’m rusty, but not totally naive. I know more happened, just not sure how much. I don’t know if I need to know. Part of me wants to dig in and find out. Part of me thinks it doesn’t matter.

Divorce is happening. She has decided, and I am not going to make this work again, so if she changed her mind I’d insist we go through with it.

We have 2 kids, 6 and 5. I don’t feel capable of being a single parent. I mourn for what they are going to go through. I’m scared. I’m scared to be alone, scared my job (already on the rocks) will fall apart. I’m terrified of the future, honestly. We need to co-parent well. I’m not putting my kids through the hell I went through. She wants just to mediate and make it quick—I need time to think. She wants me not to rake her through the mud. If I don’t keep it amicable, I know courts in WA are absolutely brutal on dads, even dads who have been faithful and loving in the face of a serial cheater.

I’m an absolute wreck. Can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do and can’t believe this is happening again.

I'm sorry t-wounded... that's terrible.

I think you're right that there is more to the story, but as you said it doesn't *really* matter at this point. What matters is that you have to protect yourself and focus on your healing. You know the drill for healing - consult a doctor/counselor as needed, 180, post here, monitor you diet, sleep, and exercise. Focus on what you can control. With kids involved, I really do advise that you at least consult a lawyer to find out what your rights are, and that you do get a solid separation agreement in place.

Hang in there and stay strong brother. You'll get through this. One step at a time.

If I don’t keep it amicable, I know courts in WA are absolutely brutal on dads, even dads who have been faithful and loving in the face of a serial cheater.

It’s not just courts in WA Brother. It’s everywhere. Dads: Be sure to tell your young Sons this: marriage is a losing proposition for men….No question about it.

Forget her Dude, she’s a waste of time.

Are you sure your children are yours?

Some people are not meant for marriage. She is one.

Get an attorney. See a dr about anxiety.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Still, this is the place for info and support.

Take care of yourself for your kids.

Brother, this too shall pass. Drink water, engage in self-care and stay focused on getting out of infidelity. Your STBXWW is toxic. Your life will open up once you're free of her poison. If you know the end result, get there as quickly as possible. You don't need to think. Just get the hell out.
Also, you will be a successful co-parent. You sacrificed so much for them already and you will continue to be a source of love and stability in their lives.

Thanks, everyone. I got paternity tests after the last round, so I know my kids are mine. I guess I know the end result of this all, even I’m heartbroken about it. She is toxic and there is no other way. It’s true, she is not meant for marriage. The only reason we made it 17 years is because of the work I put in, and my resilience.

I’m still a wreck. And I guess I need an attorney consult. It’s hard to go from one day thinking your life is fine, and 12 hours later realizing everything is gone. It’ll all be gone. She’s got her man to talk to, and some girlfriends who were seemingly supportive of this, and now I’ve got to scramble to find my own support system, trying to somehow not drag her name through the mud… ugh.

It IS hard. But get the bulldog lawyer. You need the best lawyer in town. See the top 3 so she can’t use them. If the courts are unfair to dads, then you need to battle that with the best lawyer. Jump on this so she can’t get ahead of you on this.

Also, don’t worry about what she wants. you think about you and your kids. Period.

Single parenting is scary. But just seeing how much you care that you do it well tells me you are going to be a good single dad.
Trust in that.

And you know the routine. Take care of yourself, your kids and your job. You got this. You really do.

Oh Brother this is a nightmare, after giving the gift of R. One thing I know about R is we rehearse our "what if" exit strategy in our head over and over until it’s second nature. This plan might be a little rusty or foggy but it’s still there.

You gave it hell and she bailed, it’s time to implement that plan. You will come out better on the other side and she will be dumped by Prince Charming number 3. So sorry this has happened.

I would strongly suggest you meet with either primary care doctor or psychiatrist. Either should be able to have an intelligent conversation with you about the risks and benefits of a medication to help here - like an SSRI, etc. You need to stabilize your mood quickly because this is a huge and unfair blow and as you said you will be at risk with regard to your job. You should not be traumatized into losing another important thing in your life. Sometimes people do meds for just a short time to get back on their feet. With a job and two very young kids to parent (alone at times) you are not in the position to let this experience bulldoze your life. It is so unfair and you deserve so much better. I am sorry that you put in all that work only to have her do something like this. I am furious on your behalf. It sounds like this would be a good time to take up journaling if you haven’t already. Because she is checked out you are going to have to process this mostly on your own. I hope this ends up being a blessing in your life as your wife does not sound like someone worth your time. Someday you will find someone new and far better. What a waste of space she is.

Thank you everyone. These messages have started to help, just a little.

She IS a waste of space. And she’s turning sour very quickly—she’s not capable of talking about it without getting defensive and angry. I bluntly told her just to call it an affair, get it out in the open—and she yelled about how I’m trying to control her. Maybe that’s controlling, I don’t know, but really I just want the truth in the open so we can both accept it, and she refuses to call it what it is. Denial. She’s hoping we can file in a county across the state, the only one where there isn’t a 3 month waiting period, and we can mediate and close in just a few months. One of her friends suggested it.

She’s trying to blaze forward, and I know at least a part of the reason is so she can move on to her latest Prince Charming with less guilt.

It’s hard for me to say it… it’s so sudden. So ridiculously sudden. But she’s a waste of space. I gave her so many years of my life, and she is just not marriage material. Used and abused me.

I can’t believe I let her back in.

I am sorry you are here - the beginning is the hardest. As you know - once you find your feet and figure out a path to trod down, it is easier simply because you have a direction.

As an attorney I wanted to add to this and clarify a few things (that are only my opinion of course):

It IS hard. But get the bulldog lawyer. You need the best lawyer in town. See the top 3 so she can’t use them.

1. It is hard to know who the "best lawyer in town" is - I used to be in private practice in a larger city and would have been hard pressed to tell you who the "best" lawyer in any specific area of law was. There are quite a few and oftentimes more than one are known as "good" or "bad.":

So don't be put off by the idea you have to get the "best" - the best for you isn't necessarily the best for me. If you have friends/family who are local, and have divorced, ask them about their counsel - if they were happy and why. Much like doctors - some attorneys have better "bed side manner" than others. If you are someone who wants to be extremely involved in your case (and are okay with paying for the time you are communicating with your counsel) then be sure to express that early, and talk to your friends/family about counsel communication. Basically it is not enough for someone to tell you their counsel did a good or bad job - ask them WHY they were happy or unhappy with them.

2. The "bulldog" lawyer concept, IMO is oftentimes costly for you as a client. My perception of the bulldog lawyer is one who "takes no bullshit" from the other side, who is often harsh, and sticks to their position. All that is fine BUT beware of the lawyer who is knows by other lawyers as a bulldog as oftentimes this means higher legal fees for you. Lawyers who don't get along or work with opposing counsel to resolve a case and instead fight about everything, necessary or not, cost their clients money. You can do a great job of representing your client without fighting about everything. Bulldog does not automatically = great.

3. Make a list of all your assets and liabilities, and then make a list of the things that are important to you and rank them - the "must haves" and then the things you would want but are willing to negotiate about. Then make a list of thing you think will be important to your soon to be ex and note what things of those are NOT important to you. Those things - the things that she deems important but you don't - are awesome bargaining chips for you later. This is all helpful info for your lawyer that if you do in advance, will save you $$ as your lawyer will not have to ask you, at least not in detail.

4. The advice to see a bunch of the "best" lawyers before you choose one is simply because if a lawyer meets with you for a consult about your divorce, even if you do not hire them, if your WS approaches that same lawyer after you do, that lawyer cannot represent them in the divorce. This works the other way around too - if your WS sees a bunch of lawyers before you about the divorce, you will not be able to use those lawyers. Hence the "act quickly" advice.

Thank you for the advice. I have called several lawyers for consults today. I see why I need to move quickly.

I’m still… shocked. Obviously she’s been wayward before, so I should not be shocked. But it was like a light switch flipped overnight and she’s become defensive, uncaring, and narcissistic. And she wasn’t even acting this way during her previous A’s. At least then she was contrite and apologetic—now she’s just… blank and emotionless, unless it’s to snap about how she won’t talk about things.

I’m so confused. And heartbroken. DD, 6, was just gushing about WW slept in her bed last night (she’s got a full, and I told her k could not sleep in the same bed as WW so she went to DD’s). It was so fun, and she liked it, and she might stay in there and cuddle for a few more nights! Oh god, it wrecked my heart to hear her. She loves us. Loves her parents. She is so innocent. And WW is so horribly broken, she is going to break DD and DS’s hearts.

I’m so sorry.

You are correct. WW is going to break their hearts. And she knows this.

Reading through all this I have a few thoughts (but you know the drill)

Definitely talk to several attorneys. At least 3.

Definitely get tested because her "just talking to someone" is just the top of a big iceberg. Her "outrage as a form of manipulation" gives her away.

If this person she’s "talking to" is married or involves - expose that. Swiftly and immediately. Don’t even give a hint you will do this.

Talk to someone. GP and/or IC. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

I’m sorry. You have a hard road ahead.
Shame on your WW.