SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, just wanted to vent my feelings. Broader story of the A is in JFO thread: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661713/gf-of-8-years-was-cheating-with-coworker-ea-15-yrs-pa-1-yr-i-want-to-try-to-make-it-work-but-want-her-to-admit-its-her-fa/

Two days ago I [28M] broke up with my GF [29F] of 8 years. I loved her, even though I know, that due to my personal issues I was at times a difficult partner (I was getting emotionally distant - but never any abuse from my side. From her side sometimes.).

Her response to our relationship issues was cheating on me for 1 year and 3 months with a coworker. Coworker that is 10 years older and has a wife and kids. She told me herself.

She told me that "she want to work on us" but her actions didn’t show that. She didn’t go no contact with the coworker. She was still meeting him in secrecy, texting him in secrecy, how they "missed each other" and "miss their time together". She wasn’t seeing her guilt truly. She was blameshifting the whole thing on me. She told me that she is hurt in that situation too, and that is my fault, because I made our life miserable. She didn’t look up any materials on how to help your partner when you cheated. She didn’t want to go to therapy. She didn’t want to go to couples therapy. She refused to have sex with me at all.

I saw that she lied – she told me that affair was 6 months. But truth is that their emotional affair was 1 year and 3 months and it turned sexual around 1 year ago. I saw their emotional texts, with lots of love etc. How they found their first true love in entire life, how special they make each other feel.

I also saw photos from their trips, how they kiss, how they hug, how they look at each other with love in their eyes. I also saw their sexting, photos of them having sex, videos how he masturbates and cums to her photos. How she wrote him how wet he makes her, how she misses his body, his touch, his voice etc. She was calling him "Daddy" and he was calling her his "little daughter". Gosh, that makes me sick.

Also, when we travelled or went out together, she was sending him photos with me cropped out. There were dozens of photos like this. She was just deleting me from her life, and showing that false life to him. They had a whole separate relationship, that she was living parallel to ours. What I was giving her, she was transferring to that different life.

I also found her messages about me. She told the coworker that she is with me because of "attachment, gratitude and support I provide her with". Seriously.

After a month of being in post-discovery shock and lying to myself that it may work out, I decided to break up.

Now I feel like shit. I feel that she used me – I was the one fully supporting us financially for last full year, because she was earning less. I provided us with a house – we lived in my apartment. I was giving all those things to her, because I loved her and I wanted to provide her with a safe space to grow. Also, I was the one who landed her that job through my connections.

In the texts I found that she and coworker set up a separate account for her, and on that account was more money than my savings, because I was the one paying for everything, and for that 1 year she just saved almost all her income (!!!).

I feel so used. I feel that she was with me only to use me. I feel that she took everything that I was giving her, only because I was the "safe partner" whom she could use to secure her situation, and whom she could drain. Maybe she even believed that she loves me in some way, but truth is she just convinced herself that it’s that way – to not feel that bad about herself. If she truly loved me, she would truly try to work on our relationship, or even leave me if she was feeling unhappy. In fact, I feel that she hated me, but didn't admit it to herself. I think she hated me for not being a partner she craved for, while living in my apartment and afraid to lose it - this way she could have felt "trapped". Cheating was her way of getting back at me for what she saw as trapping her. Also, a way to find another male that may provide her security in the future (although from what I saw in the texts, this guy is on the fence with his wife and kids still in his life - typical).

I feel like ~5 years of my life was a lie (our first 3 years together were good - but now I see how her patterns of behaviour started really early on). Or even if not 5 years, than that last 1.5 year was a full lie.

She took a lot from me. Now I see how she cut me off some of my friends and she undermined my relationship with my mom. And, what’s the most important, she took my right to decide on my own life. If she told me upfront that she loves somebody else and if I want to continue this relationship, I would be able to decide by myself if I want to stay in such an arrangement (I wouldn’t).

How could she do this to someone that was with her for 7 years? It just bugs me how could she lie to the man that devoted (at the beginning of the affair) 7 years of his life for her. I’m just so disappointed that she didn’t make one hard decision to go through a hard talk with me – and either decide to work on our relationship or split. Especially that we didn’t have mortgages, kids, weren’t married. She could just go (but apparently didn't want to, because she sucked to me like a parasite). How could she not have that smallest bit of respect towards me?

Instead of going, she put me through hell. I barely function. I can’t sleep or eat. I can’t work (I’m white collar and absolutely cannot focus). I feel so mad at myself for not seeing what was happening. For ignoring all the redflags, because I trusted her and was afraid to confront.

This whole thing make me so sick. My personal issues intensified.

I’m trying to work on it – reached out to my friends and family. I try to do sports. I try to work. I started seeing a therapist.

But it’s just so so so hard. I feel betrayed and used. I regret all those money that I gave her (mainly through paying the bills and groceries). I regret losing agency in my own life. I feel that I don’t know a person with whom I believed I was so close. With whom I hoped to get married and start a family. I hate myself for not acting earlier.

Thank you for reading this.

[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 5:35 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

I'm sorry that you are here. Betrayal is brutal. Good for you cutting that cancer out of your life. That shows your strength.

Your self esteem has taken a hit and everything you are thinking and feeling is normal, meaning, every betrayed person has similar thoughts and feelings.

But just because you feel it, doesn't make it true.

I totally understand why you feel used. She was using you. But that isn't on you. You behaved like a partner, like a man who loved and trusted his partner. There is NO SHAME in that game. That makes you a decent, loving person. That she took advantage of that makes her the asshole not you.

What would you tell a friend who came to you with this story? Would you think of him as a fool or worthless? I bet not. I bet you'd be furious at how he was treated. Your anger will come.

Please take super good care of yourself. Glad to hear you are in therapy. Others might come along with some book recommendations to help you heal.

You've shown strength. I promise you, this will get better with time. Take care of you.

What is 'feeling used'? How does that fit in with mad, sad, glad, scared, and/or ashamed? My reco is to work with your IC to figure out the emotion - how you are moved - by your XGF's using you. Then process the feelings out of your body.

She did use you. You gave to her - 'gave'. Was it a transaction? Did you think you were buying her loyalty? (Probably not, but it's an important question.) If so, that's another subject to explore and resolve in IC.

What you describe seems normal in the breakup of a LT relationship, but some of your thoughts and feelings could come from the issues stirred up by your dumping her (which was a good choice for you). If issues have been stirred up, now is a good time to resolve them.

You're doing some good stuff to help yourself - energizing your support network, get back into life, IC, posting.

But right after a breakup is generally not a good time - but it is temporary.

Hi isthereapoint,

But it’s just so so so hard. I feel betrayed and used. I regret all those money that I gave her (mainly through paying the bills and groceries). I regret losing agency in my own life. I feel that I don’t know a person with whom I believed I was so close. With whom I hoped to get married and start a family. I hate myself for not acting earlier.

It is hard. If you did not feel this you would probably be more like her and capable of doing what she did. Thank heaven you are not like her. So accept what you are feeling for what it is. The toxicity from the relationship is leaving your body. Healing hurts.

You talk about losing agency. This is a big issue for me right now. What will having agency look like in the future? It's going to take a special kind of partner in the future to allow you to maintain your own agency. And you are going to have to actively defend whatever agency you wish to maintain in the future. In a loving and mutually beneficial relationship you will be losing agency. And you will he happy to lose some agency (at least I think) with the right person.

You say you don't really know the person you thought you were so close to. I would really think deep and hard on this one. There had to have been red flags that you glossed over or outright ignored. What were they? Pay attention to them going forward, they are your best friends early in in a relationship. That was your GUT looking out for YOU.

Brother, thank heaven you did NOT start a family with this person. That is a blessing right there.

I wish I could say it's not right to hate yourself. I am feeling this way about myself right now. I hate that I ignored obvious red flags early on in my relationship. But I am also learning to love myself and forgive myself for this.

I applaud your decision to break up with your gf. Nobody deserves to be treated like you were. Please, please, please, do not look back. Do not feel bad for her, do not allow her to worm herself back into your heart.

I will freely admit that I wish I was your age and about to make a clean start.

Never ignore those redflags. But be mindful because of your past trust issues you may get a few false-positives. After what you went through I am not even sure if you could ever give blind trust again. But you can give your future partner an opportunity to constantly earn trust little by little. When you connect enough trust you may decide, "I think I can try to go all in on a relationship again!"

[This message edited by wondayatatime at 5:14 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

I'm sorry brother, but you did make the best choice you could.

Is your life wasted or over?
Fuck no!

Your new story is just beginning.
You've rid yourself of a poison in your life, slowly drawing your energy and will.
You now have a rare opportunity...
To rebuild back stronger, better, and healthier than before!
It'll take time...
And it'll take work...
But your future is now in your hands!
There are many good things ahead of you...
While they may not erase the hurt of the past, your past will not control you and will not diminish what you create.
The true triumph of the human spirit is to navigate through the adversity and to grow and learn...
To be smarter...
To be stronger...
To be more capable...
To be more authentic with yourself and your needs.

The measure of a man is not in how hard a hit it takes to knock him down...
But in the look of determination in his eyes when he stands back up.

Take a breath...
Feel the pain...
Awaken the lion within...
And plant your hand down on the ground...
You're gonna be okay.

Isthereapoint,

Want to emphasize some things SerJr wrote to you here.

I'm sorry brother, but you did make the best choice you could.

Is your life wasted or over?

Fuck no!

The measure of a man is not in how hard a hit it takes to knock him down...

But in the look of determination in his eyes when he stands back up.

You're gonna be okay.

You may not feel it yet, but you are getting better with each breath you take. This is one of the few instances where time is actually your friend.

[This message edited by wondayatatime at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

You were wise to ditch her. She's incapable of owning her stuff, it seems. An affair is never the betrayed partner's fault, no matter how badly they might have behaved in the marriage. It is solely the cheater's responsibility. And every cheater who lies to their BS is a user in one way or another.

Does his wife know? I'd blow that up so quickly it would make their heads spin.

Sacredsoul33,

Does his wife know? I'd blow that up so quickly it would make their heads spin.

I 100% would do this. I would do it right now, today.

Does his wife know? I'd blow that up so quickly it would make their heads spin.

Yeah definitely let the wife know. It will blow the whole A up and he will probably throw your ex under the bus like the majority of married men do.

It will take a few years to heal and find your footing again. Glad you are seeing a therapist. Your ex is in for a world of hurt, now she has to figure out to support herself and will probably get dumped by the OM. Don't let her come back when sh*t hits the fan. I would move on with life and get healthy. Get your self esteem back. One day you will look back on this and be thankful you kicked her to the curb. Allow someone with integrity and someone who loves as you to enter your life.

Does his wife know? I'd blow that up so quickly it would make their heads spin.

I read in your other post that your GF said that his wife knows and agreed to the arrangement. After six years of marriage? Huh uh. Nope. I bet my next paycheck that your XGF is lying to try to keep you from informing the OBS.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:27 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

I feel so used. I feel that she was with me only to use me. I feel that she took everything that I was giving her, only because I was the "safe partner" whom she could use to secure her situation, and whom she could drain. Maybe she even believed that she loves me in some way, but truth is she just convinced herself that it’s that way – to not feel that bad about herself.

This is from the "Cheater’s handbook". This is known as "cake" as in "having it and eating it too". Most of us BS have been used in the same or a similar way. We are the "safe harbor" they come back to after "partying on the high seas". My UW did it to me. When I asked her if she loved me while cheating her response was "I loved our life". Security, money, nice things, etc. Cake….

It is shitty and terrible now but you aren’t married and you don’t have kids and you are still young. Like Wondayatatime said, I too wish I was your age and could make a clean start. I caught my WW in an EA 5 years into our relationship. We were already married and had one child at the time. She left me for a short period and then asked to come home. It was contingent on her going NC. She didn’t. That was affair #2. She had 9 more over the next 19 years…..On D-Day I was 59. So yes, you may have wasted 5 years of your life. But did you "save" 40 years? I sure wish I had.

Also, you struggle to understand why she "self disclosed". It could be the cheater version of "suicide by cop". She’s too selfish and prideful to do the honorable thing and just break up so she disclosed knowing you are likely to "pull the pin" on the relationship so she can say you broke up with HER….

Here’s to healing and a better life ahead!

You were used and betrayed,so it's normal to feel that way.

But why are you hating yourself? You didn't do this. She did. She sounds like a horrible person. There are better women out there. You will heal,and you will find happiness.

Block her from being able to contact you. Drop any mutual friends. If they till consider her a friend of her horrible behavior, they were never really your friends. Going complete NC will help tremendously.

The way you feel and conduct might give your ex a sense of affirmation. Do you have any legal cause to recover any losses? If you do go for it otherwise forget about it. Consider this as a financial loss and look forward, get some counseling, keep your head high and do your jobs and other things even better. Also Working out is good for getting out of feeling down.
Do you still have strong feelings and hope the GF will come back? She is toxic let the wife of the married guy know about his deeds. Do not look back you cannot change the past. If you feel you acted blindly do not let it lose your self respect. Lot of people face such situations. The only thing you can change is the future.