How to navigate returning EX's things, wanting my money that my EX have back and venting on her how a bad person she is?
My original post with full story is here: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=661713&HL=83923
Long story short, I [29M] broke up with my GF [29] of 7.5 years, that happened 1 month ago.
2 months ago she told me about her infidelity. She was cheating on me with her older coworker, a guy with wife and kids. Initially I was in shock, and for 1 month I was considering trying to make it work. I was too afraid to break up. But after I went through her phone and saw that she still maintains contact with the AP, that she was the one starting the affair, and that the affair (at least on emotional level) was going on a lot longer than she told me (she told me 6 months, I found out it was 1.5 yr), I broke up with her.
A week ago she was trying to reach me to talk. I didn’t pick up/respond. I was maintaining NC.
Now yesterday she texted me that she understands that I don’t want to talk, and she wants to schedule when she can pick up the rest of her things.
Now mind this: We were living together for almost 7 years, in my apartment. We were splitting out living costs for like 70% me, 30% her (she earned less). BUT, For last 12 months I was the one paying for all our bills, 90% of groceries, and for last 2 years I also paid for her gym membership, all because she was complaining how little money she has. For some time I was also making some monthly transfers to our mutual holiday savings account, that is in her name – I have no access to this.
When she was first time packing her things at my place, I asked her to transfer "my" part of the holiday savings account money to me. She refused and told me that her mom paid for renovating our kitchen in 2018. Well yeah, but my mom was paying all our bills for the first over 2 years we were living together. Plus she was using this kitchen for past 5 years. So I guess it evens out.
Also, I must admit that it's emotionally hard - after she gets all her stuff, she will ultimately be out of my life. I know that it must happen, but it's hard.
So there are 2 things I don’t know how to navigate:
1) Her things/my money from the holiday savings account. I still have her bike at my place, which costed her some money. I wonder if I should tell her that I won’t give her things back unless she returns me my money. It's not much, but it's not fully about the amount of the money, but about letting her get away with that.
Somehow I feel that that is right, because she basically used me, including financially. Also I would use some money, because as I said, maintaining our life made me have little savings. The truth is, she should give me back all the money I spent on our living for past 12 months, because I was making those expenses thinking that it helps us develop as a couple – she would have more financial space to develop and later we would save some money and start a family. But during all that time she was already cheating on me (emotionally, physical cheating started on the beginning of this year from what I know).
On the other hand, I feel somehow awkward about making this thing about money now.
I'm not what will actually show having dignity. Not letting her get away freely with basically stealing from me? Or just shutting up about the money.
2) Navigating returning her things eventually - to do this through a 3rd person without meeting her, or with meeting her.
I still kinda want to talk to her and tell her that I hate her. That she is a bad person, with no morals. That I know more truth than she told me – because she still doesn’t know that I went through her phone and make screenshots of their conversation. That she is a cheater and a liar and she has to live with that – fortunately I don’t have to anymore.
This might be a last chance to meet with her in person.
I don’t know what it would bring me. I just feel so powerless, hopeless and angry about that someone can do such a bad thing to me and completely get away with that. Drain me emotionally, financially, make a lie of significant part of my life, and then just disappear. And continue with their life, that was in a huge part built on draining me.
26 comments posted: Thursday, November 30th, 2023
Feeling used and self-hate after breakup
Hello, just wanted to vent my feelings. Broader story of the A is in JFO thread: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661713/gf-of-8-years-was-cheating-with-coworker-ea-15-yrs-pa-1-yr-i-want-to-try-to-make-it-work-but-want-her-to-admit-its-her-fa/
Two days ago I [28M] broke up with my GF [29F] of 8 years. I loved her, even though I know, that due to my personal issues I was at times a difficult partner (I was getting emotionally distant - but never any abuse from my side. From her side sometimes.).
Her response to our relationship issues was cheating on me for 1 year and 3 months with a coworker. Coworker that is 10 years older and has a wife and kids. She told me herself.
She told me that "she want to work on us" but her actions didn’t show that. She didn’t go no contact with the coworker. She was still meeting him in secrecy, texting him in secrecy, how they "missed each other" and "miss their time together". She wasn’t seeing her guilt truly. She was blameshifting the whole thing on me. She told me that she is hurt in that situation too, and that is my fault, because I made our life miserable. She didn’t look up any materials on how to help your partner when you cheated. She didn’t want to go to therapy. She didn’t want to go to couples therapy. She refused to have sex with me at all.
I saw that she lied – she told me that affair was 6 months. But truth is that their emotional affair was 1 year and 3 months and it turned sexual around 1 year ago. I saw their emotional texts, with lots of love etc. How they found their first true love in entire life, how special they make each other feel.
I also saw photos from their trips, how they kiss, how they hug, how they look at each other with love in their eyes. I also saw their sexting, photos of them having sex, videos how he masturbates and cums to her photos. How she wrote him how wet he makes her, how she misses his body, his touch, his voice etc. She was calling him "Daddy" and he was calling her his "little daughter". Gosh, that makes me sick.
Also, when we travelled or went out together, she was sending him photos with me cropped out. There were dozens of photos like this. She was just deleting me from her life, and showing that false life to him. They had a whole separate relationship, that she was living parallel to ours. What I was giving her, she was transferring to that different life.
I also found her messages about me. She told the coworker that she is with me because of "attachment, gratitude and support I provide her with". Seriously.
After a month of being in post-discovery shock and lying to myself that it may work out, I decided to break up.
Now I feel like shit. I feel that she used me – I was the one fully supporting us financially for last full year, because she was earning less. I provided us with a house – we lived in my apartment. I was giving all those things to her, because I loved her and I wanted to provide her with a safe space to grow. Also, I was the one who landed her that job through my connections.
In the texts I found that she and coworker set up a separate account for her, and on that account was more money than my savings, because I was the one paying for everything, and for that 1 year she just saved almost all her income (!!!).
I feel so used. I feel that she was with me only to use me. I feel that she took everything that I was giving her, only because I was the "safe partner" whom she could use to secure her situation, and whom she could drain. Maybe she even believed that she loves me in some way, but truth is she just convinced herself that it’s that way – to not feel that bad about herself. If she truly loved me, she would truly try to work on our relationship, or even leave me if she was feeling unhappy. In fact, I feel that she hated me, but didn't admit it to herself. I think she hated me for not being a partner she craved for, while living in my apartment and afraid to lose it - this way she could have felt "trapped". Cheating was her way of getting back at me for what she saw as trapping her. Also, a way to find another male that may provide her security in the future (although from what I saw in the texts, this guy is on the fence with his wife and kids still in his life - typical).
I feel like ~5 years of my life was a lie (our first 3 years together were good - but now I see how her patterns of behaviour started really early on). Or even if not 5 years, than that last 1.5 year was a full lie.
She took a lot from me. Now I see how she cut me off some of my friends and she undermined my relationship with my mom. And, what’s the most important, she took my right to decide on my own life. If she told me upfront that she loves somebody else and if I want to continue this relationship, I would be able to decide by myself if I want to stay in such an arrangement (I wouldn’t).
How could she do this to someone that was with her for 7 years? It just bugs me how could she lie to the man that devoted (at the beginning of the affair) 7 years of his life for her. I’m just so disappointed that she didn’t make one hard decision to go through a hard talk with me – and either decide to work on our relationship or split. Especially that we didn’t have mortgages, kids, weren’t married. She could just go (but apparently didn't want to, because she sucked to me like a parasite). How could she not have that smallest bit of respect towards me?
Instead of going, she put me through hell. I barely function. I can’t sleep or eat. I can’t work (I’m white collar and absolutely cannot focus). I feel so mad at myself for not seeing what was happening. For ignoring all the redflags, because I trusted her and was afraid to confront.
This whole thing make me so sick. My personal issues intensified.
I’m trying to work on it – reached out to my friends and family. I try to do sports. I try to work. I started seeing a therapist.
But it’s just so so so hard. I feel betrayed and used. I regret all those money that I gave her (mainly through paying the bills and groceries). I regret losing agency in my own life. I feel that I don’t know a person with whom I believed I was so close. With whom I hoped to get married and start a family. I hate myself for not acting earlier.
Thank you for reading this.
12 comments posted: Tuesday, October 24th, 2023
GF of 8 years was cheating with Coworker. EA 1.5 yrs, PA ~1 yr. I want to try to make it work, but want her to admit it's her fa
22.10 update - I broke up with her.
TL;DR
The affair. My GF (29F) of 8 years was cheating on me (28M) with her co-worker. EA was around 1.5 yrs, and PA was about 10 month to 1 year (I think).
DDay was a month ago. She confessed about it to me herself – she says out of guilt.
She told me that she was cheating because, summarizing "it was shitty between us, we didn’t talk about any future plans together (marriage, kids), I was distance and depressed with work, and she didn’t saw any future in our relationship. She was thinking about breaking up, but didn’t, because she didn’t want to add to my bad mental state. She didn't tell me earlier, because there was never a good time, because I was depressed.". The OM is ~10 yrs older (i.e. around 40) coworker, has a wife and kids. She said that the affair was going on from March 2023 "but she doesn’t remember fully" - bullshit. She said that "she break up the A, because the OM was pushing on her to leave me and he wanted to leave his wife and kids, and she didn’t want to leave me".
We didn’t break up, because I was in shock and thought of this as my fault. My issues and our issues she described are real, I was passive, distance and depressed. I’m on antidepressants. My previous relationships fell apart partly because of that reasons. Hysterical bonding kicked in, I was afraid to lose her and wanted to make things right. Also, I really do love her, even tho I acknowledge her character flaws.
I must note that my GF’s father left her when she was little. This is why now she probably has fucked up needs for attention from men in her life. She prob wanted something different than I was giving her (more like a father figure?).
State of matters now:
We didn’t break up. I was terrified to lose her. I asked her if she wants to make things right. One time she said yes. Other time, when I was feeling super sad, she was crying and told me that "maybe it was never going to work". I told her that we can try and see what happens. But that we both need to put in the effort.
So things are a bit weird right now.
We try to act normal. Talk normal, like before. Have fun and goof around together. I started leaving work always on time and planning our time ahead. Planning doing stuff together etc. She acts kind to me, hugs me, kisses me, says that she loves me, etc. She says that she's sorry I'm that way right now.
But ofcourse, the underlying issue is not gone. I can see that she doesn't really acknowledge her guilt / mistake, blameshifts it to me and our relationship. Today she said that she "regrets hurting me, but doesn't know if she regrets the whole whing".
I demanded NC – she said that she minimized the contact as much as she could (guy works in other department, my GF can work remotely and doesn’t go to the office anymore). Truly, when I checked her phone, the calls/texts after the confession were work related, calls were short and in work hours. She said she doesn’t want to leave her job now, because it’s her career, maybe in the future months (mind that I got her that job LOL).
Texts. Later I went through her texts and saw that the EA was going on from middle 2022, and PA from probably Dec22/Jan23. So she lied about the timeline. I learned they had a deep EA, with both saying "I love you" (although he chased her more). I also learned that she started it. I also learned that their relationship was a rollercoaster, with a lot of fighting, uncertainty, mutual accusations.
* * *
Whats now / next steps?. Right now we are trying to work on the relationship. We still live in my apartment. I went to IC to work on my issues, made an appointment with a career coach, stopped working so long hours and focus on planning time for us and being with her. Thanks to reading SI, I removed a lot of guilt from myself.
However, when I try to talk to her, she is blameshifting, and doesn’t want to fully acknowledge her guilt/mistake. When I try to talk to her she gets sad and starts crying, like I’m doing something bad to her.
I want to go through her texts again soon and see if the A is going on. If yes – breakup.
If the A is not going on, I want to confront her about her lies about the timeline etc. without revealing that I saw the texts. I’ll do it by pointing out inconsistencies in what she told me in 2022.
I want her to admit not saying all the truth to me. And through this go to make her realize how much work she has to put in. I want to go her to go to IC and work on her issues. I want us to go to couples therapy.
How can I make her realize that it’s her fault and that SHE needs to work for that relationship now?
How can I show her how hurt I am and what she did was wrong and not justifiable?
Should I go for temporary separation?
I want her to realize, that we can't rugsweep this, that it's not just on my side, and that just me going to IC won't heal our relationship.
I want her to realize, that it's not just mine or our relationship issues caused that, but she had other options and decided to cheat. That there are her issues (e.g. her dad leaving them).
When I told her that if we want to make this right, both of us has to work (implying that I already started), she said that she's not sure of how can she work. And it's kind of true. I don't feel like I should tell her what to do. But I also don't know what exactly she can do to make it better.
I’m also considering breakup. Not out of spite, but maturity – maybe we just grew in different directions and should break up? Even if we reconcile, will it not haunt me? Will we be able to build future with each other? But I also fear being alone, and not finding someone for me in the future.
What do you guys think about it all?
* * *
Below is a long and detailed story. I need to sort things out for myself. I want to get a better understanding of what happened, and what to do. If its too long, please just read points 2-4.
1.The relationship.
Overview. Me and my girlfriend met in 2016. She’s very beautiful (still is) and at that time had that crazy energy of 21 yo girl that made me fell in love with her on the first sight. I was completely struck by her, and was feeling so lucky that she wanted to be with me.
We discovered our love for hiking and each year went on long trips to different countries to hike, sometimes even for 2 weeks. We slept in a tent, washed in rivers and carried heavy backpacks. It was hard, but very satisfying and it made us really, really close. At that time I felt that I’ve found my soulmate, that I want to spend the rest of my days with that girl.
Description of last years. In 2021-2023 things started to slowly go downhill. I was more and more depressed with my work. I was unhappy. I wanted to change my job, but due to covid, market was really bad, so I sticked with what I had. I also had (and still have) self-esteem issues, so I didn’t really believe in myself and that I would find a better place for myself. I was afraid to fail.
Meanwhile, in 2021 I got her a job through my boss connections, in a firm in her field.
My bad mental state. She was sad, that she was trying to support me, lift me up, tried to make me happy and it wasn’t working.
She started to get mad at me for being so passive in the relationship. Sadly, I agree that I was passive. Almost all of our trips, night-outs, and stuff we’ve done together was because she proposed and pushed me to do that. She said for a long time that she was getting tired of being an entertainer of our relationship. Also, I had problems with being proactive with housework, getting stuff done at our house, like buying new stuff or renovation. I was engaging in it, but almost always after she pointed something out.
So, I was working a lot. I was stressed and depressed. I was getting home late. Sometimes I was getting home later than I promised and found her crying in bed. Sometimes I was taking job for the weekends. She told me that she’s getting tired of waiting for me all the time and that our time slips through our fingers like sand. Also, my work stress and depression is what I think made me passive. I have and always had issues with having agency in my own life (I’m working through it with my IC now). I felt and stuck in my life career-wise. Furthermore, due to our worsening sex life, I thought shes not attracted to me and I started going to the gym with my friend – so I was absent even more… Also, in June this year I went to psychiatrist and got anti-depressants prescribed.
There was a mixture of bad feelings in me. I was unhappy with my job, but still felt that I have to provide for us (she earned less). I felt bad, because she was demanding me to do stuff together, but what blocked me was my fear of lack of money, fear of life, depression, lack of meaning, stress at work. So yeah, I agree, that I got passive in the relationship and I really regret that. On the other hand, I was frustrated that she gets mad at me and doesn’t care that much about our financial situation. I was the one paying all the bills and also for her gym membership, because she was earning less and I wanted her to have financial space to live life and develop herself. I felt that I am really pushing myself and she doesn’t see it. The bad thing was, we didn’t really sit down and talk about it all.
Don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t like we weren’t doing stuff at all. I still surprised her with some trips, going to theaters or concerts. We also went on longer trips, which even if proposed by her, I always got into organizing in the end. I also got very engaged into renovating our flat in March and April. I spent a lot of money and time on that.
Over the course of 2021-2023 she actually proposed remedies for our (mine) situation. She told me that I should get a therapy – I denied that, because I said I don’t have money for that. She told me that I can get money from my parents – I didn’t want that, as a matter of principle. She told me that I can work half time, or even completely drop my job, and we can live off her salary for some time (she advanced in her job and was earning more than before) – I didn’t want that. I thought that how we are is just "OK" and its "OK" to keep it that way. I thought that good times will just come by themselves when we start earning more money.
We talked about our future a bit, but apparently not enough. We discussed that we’d like to have children someday and picked the names. We talked about getting married but in a very vague way – we agreed (or at least I think se) that it isn’t the priority, that we can be committed to each other without a marriage.
Communication issue. So our core issue was communication. We created different visions of our relationship. Her version was that I don’t want to spend time with her, or create future. My version was I want to earn that future, I want to marry and have kids, but that just needs to wait, we need to earn money for it and make things better in my head. Sadly, we never sat down and talked about our visions. So she felt that I don’t care, and I felt that she’s to reckless and we should take care of our financial situation first. We didn’t talk about our mutual future.
The red flags. There were of course red flags I ignored. One was big: She told me he kissed her.
So, one day in march 2023 (I think it was march 2023 – I can’t really pin it, it might have been this years spring or last year winter, because I remember it was jacket weather), when we were going into our building together, my neighbour asked me to come down after I leave my things in the apartment. I was surprised. We got into our apartment and I asked her what was that about. She said: “I think I know what’s that about… [Thecoworker] was giving me a lift home from work and he kissed me in his car… And the neighbour saw it.”.
Now lo and behold: MY STUPID BRAIN DIDN’T PROCESS THAT INFORMATION ACCORDINGLY. I surpressed that information, and seriously understood that he kissed her “on the cheek” or that he surprisingly kissed her on her lips. All I said was: “Oh…”. I didn’t follow up on it and I didn’t go down to the neighbour. I sincerely thought that it is just some neighbour gossip. I trusted her so much, and wouldn’t believe that something is happening, that my brain just didn’t process the words.
So probably my GF saw it as I acknowledged and ignored her Affair... And "let her slip to another man". But that's not true. I trusted her so much, that my brain didn't even process that information right.
2.The Confession – stuff she told me
So the DDay came on 20 September 2023. Some days prior I remember she was sad, and I was comforting her as I could, saying that I love her very much, that we gonna figure everything out, that everything will be alright, that she can always count on me ETC.
On 20 September 2023 GF called me from home crying. She told me that she feels terrible, she needs me and if I can come home ASAP. I got worried and was home 45 min later.
So she told me. Here’s how it went, more or less.
She started crying like crazy. I know this girl for almost 8 years, and never saw her crying like that. She was trembling. I asked if something bad happened. She told me: "Yes… I got into some fucked up relationship with [OM NAME] from my work". I immediately understood. Some of the redflags described above struck me. The OM is ~40 YO coworker from other department, with wife and 2 kids.
What she said was in summary that (can’t remember exact words): "You were working so long and was so unhappy for years. I always tried to support you, but I couldn’t anymore. Lately you were always absent. We didn’t do anything together. You never made effort to spend time with me, to plan something. I was sitting here in these four walls alone, and I got very depressed. I felt that you don’t want to build future with me, that you don’t want to marry, have kids. We never talked about our future. I don’t know couples that are together for so long and don’t talk about it. I felt that I’m wasting my time. You are going to be learning to your bar exams soon, and have even more work. You refused to go to the therapy and you refused to figure out the long working hours. So I felt that it’s always going to be like that. I felt like people older than us had more interesting lives than us. I’m not trying to blame you, but that’s just how I felt. It was never about hurting you, or leaving you, I just wanted to spend time with someone interested in me."
She said that if I want that, she will move out and we can try couples counselling.
So, me, knowing that mine and our relationships issues are real, took the blame immediately. I was in shock and something angry. I wasn’t ready to lose her and was terrified. I said that I know about those issues and I was blind. We went on a walk and I immediately started talking how I will make things right. Hysterical bonding kicked in and I started the "pick me" dance.
Later, when I settled down a bit, and in further days I started asking questions. Her answers were more or less like this:
Me: "If it was that bad, why didn’t you talk to me?"; Her: "I tried to talk to you, but you never listened."
Me: "If it was that bad, why didn’t you just leave me, or tell me that if I don’t get my shit together, you will leave me". Her: "I cared for you and I didn’t want to make your mental state worse".
Me: "Where do you think that other relationship was going? This guy is older, has wife and kids. Did he want to leave his wife and kids for you?". Her: "Yes. In July-August he started pushing me to leave you and said that he would leave his wife. But I told him that I don’t want to leave you, that if we break up we gonna break up by ourselves and not by her leaving me to someone".
Me: "When has it started?". Her: "I can’t remember… it was like March or April this year…" – I told her that is bullshit, because who doesn’t remember when his affair started. She told me: "I don’t, it was just developing slowly".
Me: "Why didn’t you tell me at some point earlier, you had so many occasions. Why did you return to that guy again and again and again?". Her: "I just found myself in that relationship, and I rolled with it. There was never a good moment to tell you, because you were depressed.".
Me: "But we’ve done so much stuff together, don’t say it like I was on a different planet". Her: "you were emotionally distant, and our day to day life was miserable".
Of course, she also repeated the part of feeling alone, feeling going nowhere, abandoned ETC.
3.The texts
2 weeks after the confession I decided to invade her privacy, for the first time in our 8 yrs relationship. It was because I felt that she didn’t tell me the whole truth (e.g. who doesn’t remember when A started?). When she was asleep in the night I took her phone and looked through the text with him. I knew I would find only pain there, but I felt to need the truth, and also wanted some evidence in case I contacted the OM’s wife.
Here's what I found (please know that English is not our primary language, so what I’m giving is a translation). I also triangulated their texts with my and GF messenger messages, so I was able to pinpoint some of the lies she told me:
1)She started it. I didn’t ask her who started it, so I looked for that in the texts. That was painful. She started it by contacting him like "do you want to spend a weekend by the sea" (she went there with her female friend to attend a festival, and apparently wanted him to join. He didn't at that time.). Also, in July 2022 they exchanged photos from their vacation and he asked "does the offer still stands?", and she answered "yes". So there must’ve been some offer from her side.
2)It started way earlier than March 2023. On 30 June 2022 she texted him about spending the weekend by the sea. So yeah, way earlier than she told me "March, April 2023". The EA was already rolling.
3)They actually had a deep EA. That hurts a lot. Since Feb 2023 they texted a lot (but he was texting way more). He was telling her that he loves her, that their love is pure and strong, that their hearts are one etc. She also wrote that she loves him, several times (compared to his dozens). In general, he was the one "chasing" that relationship more.
The EA really hurts, because at the same time she was also telling me that she loves me.
Their relationship turns out to be a rollercoaster. Since Feb23 she wanted out, and he wanted to continue. He sent her dozens of text on how he loves her, and she mostly sent texts how this whole situation destroys her, how she is unhappy that he can't spend time with her, even that "it never should've happened". In turns it was "good" and "bad" between them through March, April 2023 and later.
From what I understood, she was seeking "care and attention" in their relationship. She also said that "she’s done with trying to please everyone around and want to focus on herself".
She also wrote him that she values "trust and honesty in relationship and she is not getting it from OM" – WTF ? Where was OUR trust and honesty????
4)Their relationship was sexual since latest Dec22/Jan23.
5)Truth about their breakup and confession?. Now this: in the period pre-confession it looked like it was my GF seeked that relationship (as I told, earlier it was mostly him pursuing it, while she tried to distance).
However, from the texts it seemed like in September 2023 (~3 weeks pre confession) dynamics changed.
Now she was sending texts like "please tell me if this is over, I have to know" and him: "I have to think about it calmly".
On the very day of her confession to me, she wrote him in the morning (5h before confessing): "I love you more than my life. I won’t back down in this feeling, I know that yesterday you told me I tend to. I came to you, please come down to me".
So I don’t think she’s telling the truth about their break up – that it was him pushing her to leave me, and her refusing. But it might have been like that – maybe he set her an ultimatum?
4.State of matters now
No breakup. So yeah, we didn’t break up. I was terrified to lose her. I asked her if she wants to make things right. One time she said yes. Other time, when I was feeling super sad, she was crying and told me that "maybe it was never going to work". I told her that we can try and see what happens. But that we both need to put in the effort.
So things are a bit weird right now.
We try to act normal. Talk normal, like before. Have fun and goof around together. I started leaving work always on time and planning our time ahead. Planning doing stuff together etc. She acts kind to me, hugs me, kisses me, says that she loves me. I respond to that, I still feel a lot of attraction to her. I also hug and kiss her, we sleep together in one bed.
But ofcourse, the underlying issue is not gone. I don't feel good about it in general. But it's also hard for me to be cold to her, to push her away. There is still a lot of feelings on my side.
Triggers. Sometimes I get triggered though and get sad. She says then that she can see and feel that I’m sad and I look at her in a strange way. What am I supposed to say? That I’m mad because she had an affair and was lying to me for a long time? That I’m mad because I keep imagining them having sex? I'm mad, because from my perspective, I provided her with a house, and safe space, I provided for herself to she can grow, and she did what she did?
My state/Self-esteem. I’m kinda mad at myself for being so conciliating. I sometimes feel that I should show more emotions, be more angry. But that’s not the person I am. I kinda feel that I made it seem like my forgiveness is easy, like she doesn’t fully see how much it hurt me. I told her that it hurt me, but it’s not like im throwing tantrums, yelling at her or crying. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve made her move out for some time, so she feels that she needs to fight for us, not the other way around. It targets my self-esteem.
Also, issues with my depression and work didn't disappear. I still feel trapped in the career I chose and feel helpless. Now my relationship of 8 years falling apart was added to that. This is the lowest period in my entire life so far.
Her being angry and sad. So – we agreed to work on our relationship. But so far I feel like I’m doing the work – I went to IC, stopped going out from work late, stopped going to gym with my friend, and go with her instead. I try to plan activities for us ETC.
But when I'm sad, she also goes into this state of sadness. When I try to talk to her, she starts crying. I see it somehow like internally she blames me for making her sad.
When I tried to talk to her recently, she got angry. I asked her if she regrets what happened. She told me: "I already told why it happened. It was shitty between us and I didn’t see any future. I regret that I hurt you and what you are going through now, but I don’t know if I regret the whole thing.".
I said: "What you said about us was the framework in which you took that decision, but it was yours decision. Don’t shift the blame on me. You could take other decisions."
Her: "*crying* OK, it was my decision. It was egoistic. What else do you want me to say? Am I supposed to wear a sack of penance now?". She left and bashed doors.
I said: "I don’t aim to bash you with these talks, but we need to achieve an understanding of what and why happened. I’m the one hurt in this situation."
Her: "I think we are both hurt in this situation".
So yeah, she’s kind of blameshifting right now and doesn’t want to fully acknowledge her guilt / her mistake.
NC. I demanded NC with the OM. She told me that she already made the contact only to necessary work matters. She told me that that guy is kinda ignoring her now and even ignored some of her work requests for 3 weeks.
She said that next year she can be looking for another job, but right now she is invested with closing the year and can’t drop it.
She stopped going to the office and stopped going on that work trips to that department in the other city. But didn’t went full NC - still work-related matters. I know to not believe it in whole, that's why I'm planning to check her texts again soon.
IC. I started going to IC (been there 3 times so far). Its really helpful, although I didn’t talk to IC about A yet. On my first session I talked about my depression and cried all session.
34 comments posted: Saturday, October 21st, 2023
