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Reconciliation :
I feel like a total a-hole because I brought it all up while she was grieving a family member

Topic is Sleeping.
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 DeGeGuy (original poster new member #83785) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Hey... so this happened literally 30 minutes ago.

Long story short:

My ex (been together 7 years) and me are... "reconciling".

Pre-affair I became very needy, insecure, jealous. Kind of toxic too. Ex had an affair with her co-worker. Broke up with me 2 weeks after my fathers funeral. Managed to hide the affair for 5 months. Out of the blue admitted to everything, begging for me to give us another chance.

So eversince we're "reconciling". But she's still keeping me at arms length, but when I signal that I'm not okay with being in a situationship with her, she panics and draws me back in.

I communicated that I feel really unsafe with her. I feel like the sporadic phone calls during the week and the 1-2 days per week we see each other, isn't enough for me to relax and feel safe within the situation. I argued that for me - I don't need to "get to know her" again. I would want to either move back into a shared place and start over the "right" way, or leave it be.

Today she got bad news by a family member that her grandma is passing on.

I am very anxiously attached. I'm not the biggest fan of attachment theory, but it really doest fit me. I always try to "check up" if the other person still "loves me" or not. If they are with me or not. And I do that, and did so before her infidelity, in really egocentric and reckless ways.

And now, that we *kind of* got back together, slowly moving closer to each other, I haven't had the emotional / rational control to keep my insecurities in check... I could punch myself in the face right now.

When she told me that she'd rather stay alone today, all my mind could think of was:

"We used to be inseparable. Before all this, she would've wanted me by her side. Now after all she had done to me she doesn't even want me by her side, although this is such an emotional moment. I need to "check" if she still loves me or not."

At the end of the phone call, after she passed me the news and was clearly sad, confused and grieving the loss of her grandmother, I brought it all up like "I think we should take some time apart..." "I dont see you investing into us as much as I do".

I could bang my head against a wall. I don't mean to invalidate her feelings yet I absolutely did.

Why am I posting all this...

Well. I would be interested if anyone here can relate?

Did it happen to you as well that your wounds of infidelity took over any rational thinking? That you involuntarily hurt your partner, because of the hurt of the betrayal? I feel like the biggest a-hole right now. My feelings just shouldn't matter right now. Not in a moment of grief. I'm just so mad at myself.

I behaved like this during our relationship and I just know that it reminded her exactly why she started to doubt our relationship...

Sorry if I'm rambling... I'm very upset right now.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Germany
id 8808185
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 7:47 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

I too brought up the A like an hour after WH had experienced a very significant loss like you describe. We ended up at a rest stop on the side of the highway with WH fuming and saying nothing and me crying - it was terrible. Gosh, I had also forgotten all about it.

In hindsight it could have waited. Also in hindsight my thought process was that WH wasn't exactly cautious of my feelings so why should I feel bad for being less than cautious of his.

Neither perspectives are "wrong" - neither are totally "right."

I will tell you that when it happened (my comments) WH flipped out and then got really silent and went back to stonewalling me. This was early days - his responses sucked and my nerves were frayed and burnt to the extent my own empathy was waining. It was ugly. That weekend was really ugly. WH said he wanted to leave me, blah blah blah. He didn't. I didn't leave either (but should have for other reasons not relevant to this topic).

Here's the deal - you are talking about one moment in a very long series of ugly, emotionally draining moments. This will not the be all end all I promise. It is okay to apologize for addressing that at what you perceive as the wrong time, and to couch that by saying that you are just overwhelmed, upset, caught up in the aftermath of all of this and it's making the rest of life really hard to deal with. Or whatever.

this will pass I promise.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:47 PM, Saturday, September 16th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2317   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8808199
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 7:52 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Oh, and to this:

Did it happen to you as well that your wounds of infidelity took over any rational thinking? That you involuntarily hurt your partner, because of the hurt of the betrayal?

YES! And, sometimes voluntarily too - I admit there were times when I asked and re-asked things over and over and over again because I it was clear he hated doing it - because I wanted him to feel just a tiny inkling of the pain I did. Which of course was futile, as he could never feel my pain - it was always going to be different, and because that certainly wasn't going to help anything.

You are not a saint. I was not a saint. You are not expected to be a saint either - and honestly putting your own feelings first for a lot of BSs feels like we are doing something wrong. And at least for me, I was not very accustomed to doing so, so it felt wrong and selfish at times. It's not. In all honestly when my WH suffered his loss I really wasn't capable of being there for him because I was in the midst of needing him to be there for me - expecting me to drop everything to help him felt like I was betraying the deal I made with myself to stick up for me (one that I would betray countless times during this process anyway). It's complicated.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2317   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8808200
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:18 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

What you describe isn't reconciliation, in any way. Her getting upset,and paying attention to you,only when you tell her it might be time to move on,isn't about love. It's about control. She wants to keep you around,somewhat,as Plan B.

As to you bringing it up at this time..your feelings still matter. What you said was honest. My husband's father died shortly after dday. I told him we would put any work on R,on the back burner. He refused. He said just because he was mourning a huge loss, doesn't mean he can't also work on R. Because R was a priority.

Your ex isn't making you a priority. At all.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:20 PM, Saturday, September 16th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6667   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8808205
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:14 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

I can't help reading you to say that you're very dissatisfied with yourself. I see your dissatisfaction and thinking the way you do in describing yourself as being very detrimental to R.

Look, you're loving, lovable, and capable, but you don't see yourself that way. Mt reco is to change how you view and treat yourself. If you can't do that yourself, get the help of a good IC.

Bro, you're a better than you think.

(((DDG))) - a hug from a brother, if you'll accept one

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29891   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808222
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farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 10:21 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

You might believe the two of you are reconciling, but in reality, only one of you is.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 669   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8808223
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 10:58 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Agree with hell fire 100%

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8808231
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 11:22 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

IMO, we should own our stuff and apologize when we've done something that we feel oogy about. I'd shoot her a short text message and apologize for the poor timing and ask her to contact me when she's ready. Then I'd leave her alone and see what happens.

I totally get the attachment stuff. I had a very hard time not contacting my H when we were separated. I just wanted to take his temperature all the time and see what he was thinking. It wasn't helpful at all and actually pushed him away. I eventually backed off and left him alone - and was antsy as hell the whole time, but felt accomplished.

Life is about fucking things up, and then unfucking the things you fucked up. That's what makes you less of a fuck-up. Not lying about it. ~ from Loudermilk S1:E1

posts: 1267   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808232
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 12:04 AM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

My WH's mother passed away shortly after the first D-day. I did my best to put my hurt aside to be there for him, but I'm telling you, it's impossible to be supportive when you're going through the emotional upheaval of infidelity. I was disappointed in myself for not being more supportive when he was going through loss, but I honestly think that your WS can't expect you to completely support her at this time. I mean, let's face it, you're bleeding out in the middle of the road after she ran you over and she wants you to be there for her. She chose to betray/leave you. Her grandmother, no matter how close they were, didn't choose to leave her. There's a huge difference in the loss that each one of you feels. If you're like me, I am normally an extremely empathetic person and would be there for anyone else going through this kind of loss.I just wasn't capable of any empathy for my WH. I've had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes the pain is just so raw that you can't see past it. I believe you're still at that stage.

As far as reconciliation, I can't give you a lot of advice as my WH was a serial cheater and didn't want to change. I have no experience with R, but I can tell you that what you've described doesn't sound like remorse from your WS.

I just don't want you to beat yourself up too much on this one. Show yourself some grace and patience.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 407   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8808237
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 DeGeGuy (original poster new member #83785) posted at 1:06 AM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

I very much appreciate everybodys input on this. I have sent her a very short message where I explained that I am sorry for not acknowledging the situation properly but also mentioned that it's hard for me to "unfocus" from R because she keeps me on my toes all the time, not knowing where we stand.

I did my best to put my hurt aside to be there for him, but I'm telling you, it's impossible to be supportive when you're going through the emotional upheaval of infidelity.

I can relate to that so much...

posts: 31   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Germany
id 8808239
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:58 AM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

she keeps me on my toes all the time, not knowing where we stand.

This is completely the opposite of what the power dynamic should be. Sadly, your relationship sounds very toxic and you seem to be suffering. My recommendation is to get into IC, not the touchy-feely kind, but where you can really dig into the root of your behaviors. You seem to need approval and thus place yourself at a disadvantage. The greatest power you have is to walk away and not engage.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8808244
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:52 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

Agree with Hellfire, this is not reconciliation.

It's her emotionally abusing you.

posts: 12146   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8808267
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 8:17 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

OP I hope you listen to JSG.

posts: 365   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8808301
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 1:34 AM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Hmmm...So yet another interaction in which you end up beating yourself up for how you act, when you would not be here, nor punishing yourself, if she had not cheated. You seem to be holding yourself and your WW to two very different standards. She cheats; she deserves accommodating, empathy, and feather-bedding. You are upset by her cheating? You're a bum, in your opinion.

If you want a successful reconciliation, you need to stop being hypercritical of yourself while letting your WW off the hook. You have every right to feel upset about how she treated you, and if that intruded on a situation where she is facing the loss of a relative, you need to balance your self-flagellation against a scenario in which you are not there at all, because you left as a result of her infidelity, and she has to go through this by herself as a direct consequence of her actions. Some might argue that would be justice, karma, or what goes around comes around.

It is great to be supportive in principle, but your purpose in life is not to sublimate or ignore your feelings for the convenience of your WW. You have emotional parity/equality with your WW, and your feelings are every bit as valid.

It is like a situation where you punch your best friend in the face, then ask to borrow $100 from them. How upset can you be if they advise you to look elsewhere for a loan?

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:36 AM, Wednesday, September 20th]

posts: 1269   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8808538
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DayDreamBeliever ( member #82205) posted at 3:34 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

You say pre affair you became insecure, needy and toxic. What have you done to deal with these behaviours?

I ask because you cannot reconcile if you don't address your own issues. She needs to address her issues and you need to address yours. She is currently going through a loss so now is not the time for reconciliation but for self growth. You cannot control what she does or does not do to reconcile but you can address the behaviours you acknowledge you brought to the relationship that were not healthy. It will help you maintain healthy relationships and help you recognise what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship from your partner

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8808577
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Tren0R201 ( member #39633) posted at 3:13 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

She gives you crumbs and you apologize for not commending her on the quality of the crumbs and not cleaning up.

In terms of a commitment free, emotional manipulation type relationship, I'd say she's probably got her ideal situation right now.

posts: 1833   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2013
id 8808690
Topic is Sleeping.
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