So, Ink, what 'work' are you doing as a BS to make this R work??
No sarcasm. It's a real question.
English is not my first language. So, my sentences might have a tone that I did not intend to. So, please forgive me.
No forgiveness required, Lurking. Just between the quotation marks, the double question mark, and the general context of Sisoon’s comment being a little different than the typical SI line, I was just curious.
I’m also going to use this opportunity to answer FAWH’s question that he asked long ago, repeated below.
So how do you perceive yourself growing and developing as a person into the future?
So what do I see as my ‘work’ with respect to R?
1) I have stayed in the marriage in the face of intense pain and triggers caused by my marriage partner.
2) I have bent my heart and mind toward a forgiving disposition. I have chosen to not nurture anger. I’ve felt it as it has come honestly, but I haven’t clung to it.
3) I have offered her full transparency to my thoughts and emotions, even with the breakdown in trust.
4) I have invested significantly in healing from the betrayal trauma. I have gone to weekly IC for a year. I have done MC. I have read many books. And of course, I have spent a tremendous amount of time here, learning, processing, and growing.
5) I have laid down my hurt to allow her to express her hurts that she foolishly hid from me for years. I have apologized sincerely for my own transgressions not related to the A.
6) I have steadfastly insisted on a course that I believe gives us a shot at true R. No unmet needs bull shit has been allowed, as tempting as it is to make temporary peace. We will have the full surgery. Period.
7) I am looking into my own FOO. I have alcoholism littered across my family, including my father. I have deeply contentious divorce as I went thru high school. I’m trying to figure out myself, partly so that going forward I can be a better marriage partner that my wife can look forward to having. And of course for my own benefit as a person as well.
8) I’ve committed significant amounts of money toward therapy and intensives with R in mind.
9) I have tried to understand the marriage dynamics that devestated us for years. I’ve read Gottman and Attachment Theory, recognizing the horsemen and demon dance and all that jazz, with the goal of not just surviving this thing but truly thriving in the end.
10) I have read about her tendencies. I’ve read about complex PTSD at her request to understand her better. I’ve used Brené Brown’s work on shame to try to relate to her experience. And I’ve listened to her when she shared.
More directly to FAWH’s question: I want to be a man who knows his own past and demons well enough to live above them. I have allowed FOO issues to make me a much worse husband and father than I could have been. I want to be a father that my children bring their joys and sorrows to, both today and when they fly the nest. I want to be a husband that my wife feels baseline at peace with such that conflict and passion can appropriately manifest and resolve and continually feed the relationship. I want to be a man who knows what he wants in life and boldly pursues it, and that the joy of that pursuit would enrich the lives of those around me, and it would glorify God, who I attribute it to.
[This message edited by InkHulk at 11:03 AM, Sunday, September 17th]