Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Just Found Out :
How can I stop this tears

Topic is Sleeping.
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 9:52 PM on Wednesday, August 9th, 2023

Hello everyone.Exactly last month today I found out my husband infidelity. When I asked him if there is something he need to tell me, he blurted out that he have a 2 years old son with his OW. I’m still in shock, angry and disbelief. My life as I know it is over right in front of my eyes. The pain , yes the PAIN… I can’t handle this. I can’t stop crying.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8803842
default

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 10:06 PM on Wednesday, August 9th, 2023

Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us. First have a look around at the great information in the pinned topics above and the healing library. There is no short answer to this question, it's the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, including losing my Dad 3 years ago.

Please understand this is not your fault, you did not cause someone else to cheat. You will go through a mourning of the loss of your life as you thought it was. Healing is a long journey with no shortcuts. You have to take care of your health. Eating, sleeping and staying hydrated. The thing that I was not expecting was the roller coaster of emotions, its brutal at first but it does get better.

This is a safe place with lots of experience, we are here to help you get through it.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8803843
default

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

You have been heard. So sorry you find yourself here. Most importantly take care of you. You have suffered a real trauma as your life as you knew it has been blown up. Get into IC to help you cope. Eat healthy, exercise, try to get sleep. The existence of the OC adds a whole range of complications, legal and otherwise. You need to protect yourself and your children if you have any. See an attorney to learn your rights. Is your WH still in his A with the AP? Is he sending family funds to her to support her and their child? Has there been a paternity test done on the OC?

Take time for you. Do not be bullied or manipulated by your WH. Figure out what you want, but give yourself grace. You have received excellent advice so far. Others will be along as well.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8803859
default

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:45 AM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

The pain from infidelity is the worst pain I've been through. If you need meds, see your doctor. Also, you should get tested for STDs.

I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you to help process the trauma.

There are some threads in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum that you might find helpful. There's one about dealing with an OC (other child).

You may want to consult with a lawyer (or several) to gather information and see where things stand.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8803867
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 6:37 PM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

Hello everyone, I’m not feeling to good today, woke up this morning as if I just want to go away from this nightmare. It’s been a month and I can’t stop nor pause this terrible horror movie that keep playing in my head. Little bit about our situation, we have been together for 20 years, married for little over 15 years. We do not have children together. I guess that is somewhat make it little bit easier. At this point I’m so confused, one day H would want to fix this marriage, then other day he would change his mind. The emotional roller coaster is so agonizing. Also we aren’t living in the same country at this moment. Most of the time he’s been living in the Middle East , and I’m here in the states side. Yes we have been supporting this little boy financially and H spend time with him as much as his time permits. According to him , his relationship with this little boy’s mother ended sometime last year and they are co parenting him. H would be home in 5 days, and this will be brutal moments for me. There are so many questions that I wanted to hear. Tomorrow I will be starting my IC, and H started his IC today. I thank you everyone for all your inputs and support, it mean the world to me.

[This message edited by Wiltedwisteria at 6:39 PM, Thursday, August 10th]

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8803916
default

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:07 PM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

Unfortunately, there's no easy way to get rid of the pain. It's devastating. Time and healing will help with processing the pain. I was barely functional for the first 6 months.

Stay hydrated and eat. If you have trouble keeping things down, try to do some protein shakes.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8803923
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:15 PM on Friday, August 11th, 2023

What you describe is pretty normal. I know the crying and the pain feel like they will go on forever, but they won't. There's so much pain, you'll feel it will never end. Feeling the pain lets it go. You will get to the end of it.

What do you want? Do you want to stay M? Under what conditions? Do you want to D? My reco is to figure out what you want first. That requires looking deep inside, maybe with the help of a good IC. Once you know what you want, you can make decisions about what you will actually do.

You can survive this and thrive.

SI has a 'journal' feature, which you can get to by clicking on your profile and looking for 'My Journal'. You can keep it to yourself or make it open. I mention it because it's often helpful to note what you're feeling every day, especially at first. If you do it in a thread, the thread will eventually disappear; the journal won't.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30051   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8804116
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 8:34 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Thank you everyone for all your input and support. It’s been rough and difficult day again for me , unfortunately I couldn’t convince myself to stop crying, yes I’m so weak minded, I hate myself for being so weak .I’m sorry this post is short , please pray for me .

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8804319
default

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:38 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

You are not weak. You are experiencing trauma. Intimate partner betrayal is one of the worst things you can go through. Don't apologize for crying.

Sending mojo your way. Hang in there. It does get better but it takes time and healing.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8804321
default

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:06 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Of course you are crying. Of course. It is a totally normal reaction to the trauma and pain caused by your WH’s betrayal.
It is not weakness - it is one of the ways your body processes the pain. And we know how painful it is. I spent hours- HOURS- curled up on my closet floor ugly snotty crying. (Pro tip- you can use the dirty laundry to blow your nose for the 4 thousandth time…).

You are probably not eating well either. Please drink lots of water — crying is dehydrating. Eat what you can and drink smoothies and protein shakes to keep your strength up. Try to get some fresh air and exercise everyday. And make sure you are sleeping enough. See your doctor if you are not sleeping. All of these will help your body and mind deal with this horrible experience.

I saw a little cute video on IG today — if you follow itslennie you can see it there. But it points out the sometimes the rug gets ripped out from under us. And it sucks. And the plan you had, the map for your future is no longer an option. But there are actually thousands of ways to get to your end point. And some will actually be better. You can’t see that yet, but you will.

Have you made an appt with a few lawyers to understand what D might look like? Do you have kids? Knowledge is power, so just understanding will take away a lot of the unknowns and the fear. And if you have kids, you will want to be sure to protect them.

Are you in IC? Who have you told in IRL? You need to find some support to help you through this.(And of course read and post here in SI).

You can and will get through this. The pain is not forever. It lasts longer than we want, but it is NOT forever.

You are not weak. You are hurt. Big difference. Don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself grace, and trust that you will get through this. One day at a time.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8804325
default

JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 9:50 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

This is beyond horrendous for you
So sorry you are going through this

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8804328
default

Danicass ( new member #83806) posted at 11:03 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

Hi
I’m on a similar situation to you. Found out a month ago. H doesn’t have much to do with the child or woman - he saw it as a casual fling but pays what he needs to. Like you I’m devastated- we have children so it makes it harder. Just wanted to reach out and say you are not the only one

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2023
id 8805890
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 1:37 AM on Sunday, September 3rd, 2023

Hello everyone,
Thank you for all your kind words and support. I apologize for late response, I was in a total breakdown this past 2 weeks. Hubby was home, constant emotional roller coaster. I’m getting IC once a week , hubby get his IC once a week via telehealth. Now this is another crazy thing that I have found out 3 days before he left for his overseas assignment. He confessed that he married a 27 years old Kenyan girl last June , week before D day. According to him he did it so that he could help her with her work Visa and will divorce her within 1 year. Here I’m in shock for the second time in less than 2 month.I told him that I wanted a divorce, then he completely changed his behavior, now he wanted to fix our marriage, he will divorce the OW ASAP, he intended to finish his assignment within 6 month and return to the US full time. He also decided to see a psychiatrist,told me that he would do no contact with the OW. I’m here alone and so confused with this chain of events.I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Danicass I’m sending you a virtual hugs, Jammywheel,Bearlybreathing,Leafields,,Fareast,Sisoon and Tanner, thank you for being here it meant a lot to me . Thank you for being my lifeline. Please keep me in your prayers. I’m lost.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8806378
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:14 AM on Sunday, September 3rd, 2023

If you are married and he married another person he could go to jail for bigamy. You need a lawyer and one who knows financial issues.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4277   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8806381
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 2:34 AM on Sunday, September 3rd, 2023

Cooley2here,
Hubby resides in the Middle East , their law is totally different. They can have multiple wives. His marriage with this girl isn’t recognized or legal according to the US law , but it’s legal there, it’s sad and very confusing.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8806383
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, September 3rd, 2023

If he comes back to the US and has legal documents(marriage license) it will be time for you and your lawyer to head to court. It is not legal here.
A woman blogged years ago about her husband walking out of the house and within days marrying another woman. The blogger got his butt thrown in jail. Bigamy is not recognized here.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4277   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8806418
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Cooley2here
Yes, I have all the papers, I’m working on getting myself mentally, emotionally and physically strong , heal myself to get healthy enough to take him to the court.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8806459
default

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Oh, girl. You deserve more than to be roped into some weird harem. Please look up the 180 and gray rock and implement them as best as you can.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8806525
default

 Wiltedwisteria (original poster new member #83710) posted at 3:46 AM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023

sad Forks, oh how I wish H and his concubines get stoning to death. sad

[This message edited by Wiltedwisteria at 3:47 AM, Tuesday, September 5th]

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8806562
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:31 AM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023

Please – SI does NOT condone violence in any way or form.

Keep in mind that if what you share is correct and true (and you only have this information from your husband who we know isn’t always truthful) then the Kenyan woman isn’t a concubine but a wife and legally possibly has the same legal rights as you do.
But then… that’s based on your assumption that a man residing in the USA with a marriage based in the USA is allowed to pick-and-chose what laws he adheres to. I’m thinking that if I’m stopped for speeding in Canada I can’t really use the "I’m from Utah" excuse as a get-out-of-jail card.

Rather than relational advice right now your priority should be legal advice.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12484   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8806568
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240712a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy